Should Have Known Better (Needlephobia)

Setting: Waiting room/doctor’s office
Enter JONATHAN, PATRICK, SARA SHARPE (Jonny’s GF) and CRISTINA SEGUIN (Kaner’s GF) from R. They take seats in chairs, aligned together at the upstage C. PATRICK KANE turns to JONATHAN TOEWS.

PATRICK
I can’t believe this, Jonny; you have to get surgery today?

JONATHAN
Please don’t say the “s” word; I will have Sara punch you.

SARA
Why me?

JONATHAN
Because I’ll be holding my arm in pain! Ow. Just thinking about the word, makes me hurt...ow....

SARA
Come on Jonny, you’re acting like a two year old.

PATRICK
I hate them too Jonny, don’t worry!

SARA
You hate what? Oh shots!

PATRICK
(cringing)
Ow! Yes, those!

SARA
It’s just a little pinprick baby. Geez!

PATRICK
Yeah to you, but to some it hurts like (a living) hell…to some.

SARA
Aw, boo hoo; you’re not the one getting the needle injection.

PATRICK
(shocked)
You’re right! Run away Jonny while you still have a chance too!

(SARA slaps her hand over PATRICK’S mouth. PATRICK muffles words and looks to SARA.)

SARA
Thank you Kanerboo, now shut up! You’re going to scare poor Jonny!
(to Jonathan)
It’ll be fine, just relax. Take deep breaths and if you must, close your eyes or look away! You need this in order to get back to playing hockey!

(SARA drops her hand. JONATHAN jumps up at once, throwing his arms down in exasperation.)

JONATHAN
Patrick’s right! I think I got Needlephobia from the stupid pointy object one time!

SARA
Needlephobia? Really?

PATRICK
Yeah, Needlephobia: a fear of needles...er shots!

(He trembles and cringes.)

CRISTINA
Hey, I’ve heard of that, it’s an actual condition that some people--

PATRICK
Most people--

CRISTINA
Suffer from. I don’t know if it’s curable. Once you’ve got it, it’s hard to talk yourself away from the fright.

PATRICK
It’s like my other fear: Aichurophobia!

ALL
Aichurophobia?

PATRICK
It’s the fear of sharp objects, but it doesn’t comply with Needlephobia or the fear of needles in general. It deals more so with swords and knives.

JONATHAN
Uh-uh do I really have to do this...

CRISTINA
It’ll be ok Jonny. Think happy thoughts, distract yourself...

SARA
Patrick Timothy Kane Jr., look at what you’ve done now!

PATRICK
I’m sorry, I just don’t understand why the needle is good...I mean...

(ALL CAST gets up and starts backing PATRICK up, as he begins to sing. The stage transforms into a doctor’s office now.)

PATRICK
I WALKED INTO THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
JUST THE OTHER DAY (THE OTHER DAY)
I HAD NO IDEA, OH NO IDEA
WHAT WAS HEADED (FOR) MY WAY!

I THOUGHT IT WAS ONLY A CHECK-UP
WHEN THE DOCTOR ASKED ME,
“HEY SON, CAN I TAKE A SAMPLE OF YOUR BLOOD,
IT’S FOR YOUR OWN HEALTH (or GOOD)…
AND I DON’T THINK YOU WANT TO DIE YOUNG!”
I HAD NO CLUE WHAT WAS COMING,
UNTIL I NODDED AND SAID “YES”…

AND OH, OH I’VE GOT NEEDLEPHOBIA…
OH, OH I CAN’T HAVE CLAUSTROPHOBIA
BUT, OH, OH I GOT AICHUROPHOBIA!
AND MERINTHOPHOBIA TOO!
ALL ‘CAUSE I GOT NEEDLEPHOBIA!

VOICE
(over an intercom)
Jonathan Toews!

(JONATHAN gets up from his seat and sits down before a doctor, as the doctor prepares to give him the shot. SARA and CRISTINA stand beside JONATHAN, holding him closely.)

JONATHAN
THE DOCTOR TOOK MY ARM AND STRETCHED IT TO THE SIDE.
I WONDERED WHAT HE WAS DOING,
THEN IT HIT ME LIKE WANTING TO COMMIT SUICIDE…
HE WITHDREW THE SYRINGE…
AND MY HEART STOPPED
AND MY BLOOD RAN COLD…
NOW I’VE----
Now I’ve got Needlephobia!

AND OH, OH I’VE GOT NEEDLEPHOBIA…
OH, OH I CAN’T HAVE CLAUSTROPHOBIA
BUT, OH, OH I GOT AICHUROPHOBIA!
AND MERINTHOPHOBIA TOO!
ALL ‘CAUSE I GOT NEEDLEPHOBIA!

PATRICK AND JONATHAN
IT LOOKED SO SHARP AND PAINFUL,
I HAD TO WINCE AND SQUIRM.
THE DOCTOR TRIED TO CALM ME DOWN
AND SAY IT WOULD ONLY PINCH…
(IT WAS BETTER THAN A CAT SCRATCH)
THE PAIN WOULD ONLY LINGER FOR SAY ONE SECOND…
YEAH RIGHT!

I WAS TENSE AND NOTHING HE COULD SAY
WOULD EVER CHANGE MY MIND…
AND FROM THAT DAY…I GOT IT…
I GOT…

AND OH, OH I’VE GOT NEEDLEPHOBIA…
OH, OH I CAN’T HAVE CLAUSTROPHOBIA
BUT, OH, OH I GOT AICHUROPHOBIA!
AND MERINTHOPHOBIA TOO!
ALL ‘CAUSE I GOT NEEDLEPHOBIA!

PATRICK
(leaning over to Jonathan, who was prepping himself)
SO NOW THE DOCTOR WAS GETTING IMPATIENT,
AND HE HAD TO STICK THE NEEDLE INTO MY ARM…
HE HAD TO INJECT ME WITH POISON
(SO I THOUGHT)
AND QUOTE, “MAKE ME FEEL BETTER”…
HE RESTRIANED ME WITH HELP
FROM THE OTHER DOCTORS, CLOSE BY
FINALLY HE COULD STICK THE NEEDLE INTO MY ARM
AND IN TRIUMPH,
HE CHEERED AND STUCK ME AGAIN AND AGAIN,
THREE TIMES TOTAL!!

SARA
That’s all a bunch of bologna and lies! I think he was dreaming at the time, you all!

PATRICK
(continuing on)
I THOUGHT I WOULD GO LIMP
OR PASS OUT
AND END UP BEING KIDNAPPED-
WHICH ISN’T CONSIDERED A FEAR AT ALL…
I THOUGHT I’D END UP BEING KILLED OR TORTURED ALIVE
LIKE THOSE PEOPLE YOU SEE IN MOVIES
AND TV SHOWS ALL THE TIME!
SYRINGE, SHOT OR INJECTION,
THEY’RE ALL A NEGATIVE CONNOTATION…

PATRICK AND JONATHAN
AND OH THE PAIN
I SUFFERED THAT DAY,
IT WAS EQUIVALENT TO BEING SHUT AWAY!
I’LL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN
EVER SINCE THAT DAY,
WHEN I GOT MY FIRST SHOT!
NOW I’VE GOT NEEDLEPHOBIA!!

ALL CAST
AND OH, OH I’VE GOT NEEDLEPHOBIA…
OH, OH I CAN’T HAVE CLAUSTROPHOBIA
BUT, OH, OH I GOT AICHUROPHOBIA!
AND MERINTHOPHOBIA TOO!
ALL ‘CAUSE I GOT NEEDLEPHOBIA!

AND OH, OH I’VE GOT NEEDLEPHOBIA…
OH, OH I CAN’T HAVE CLAUSTROPHOBIA
BUT, OH, OH I GOT AICHUROPHOBIA!
AND MERINTHOPHOBIA TOO!
ALL ‘CAUSE I GOT NEEDLEPHOBIA!

AND OH, OH I’VE GOT NEEDLEPHOBIA… (I GOT NEEDLEPHOBIA!)
OH, OH I CAN’T HAVE CLAUSTROPHOBIA
BUT, OH, OH I GOT AICHUROPHOBIA!
AND MERINTHOPHOBIA TOO!
ALL ‘CAUSE I GOT NEEDLEPHOBIA!
OH I GOT NEEDLEPHOBIA! YEAH!

(The group huddles around JONATHAN, who holds his arm still, petrified, at left stage. PATRICK steps forward to C. downstage. He dips his head. Then as JONATHAN speaks, PATRICK turns slowly to look at him.)

JONATHAN
I can’t believe that a shot from the doctor can give you Aichurophobia, Merinthophobia, Needlephobia and can’t give you claustrophobia?

CRISTINA
Oh you’d be shocked at what you can get from what.

(Exit ALL to L., herding JONATHAN off with them. PATRICK turns back to the front.)

(The curtain closes behind him, as he turns around. PATRICK stands before the curtain. The stage transforms behind the curtain.)

PATRICK
(to himself)
Did I give Jonny, Needlephobia? All I’ve ever known about the needle is fear and horror, but could the pointy object be good as well?
ALL I’VE EVER KNOWN
IS THAT THE NEEDLE IS BAD
THE NEEDLE HURTS
THE NEEDLE INJECTS YOU WITH POISON
AND THE RESULTS ARE FAR WORSE…

BUT YET AS I THINK ABOUT IT,
THE NEEDLE COULD BE GOOD
THE NEEDLE COULD HELP CURE DISEASES, I’VE UNDERSTAND,
OR IF YOU GET A REALLY BAD COLD
THE NEEDLE CAN HELP YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM
TO FEND OFF BAD AND STRENGTHEN THE GOOD!

BUT ALL I KNOW IS THAT I’VE BEEN
A NEEDLEPHOBIC, AS LONG AS I COULD KNOW!
I CAN’T TOUCH A SHOT,
I CAN’T SEE A SHOT
I SHOULDN’T EVEN BE SPEAKING ABOUT THE WEAPON!

FORGET IT, IT CAN’T BE GOOD…
IT CAN’T BE PAINLESS,
IT’S A POINTY NEEDLE FOR GOODNESS SAKE!
DON’T TALK THIS WAY JADRIAN,
YOU’RE BETTER THAN THE SHOT,
YOU CAN TAKE IT ON…
NO I CAN’T!
AHHHH!!!!

(He races off to R. The curtain opens, as he exits. A white backdrop hangs down in the back.

Enter JONATHAN, SARA and CRISTINA from the back of the stage. They come downstage, standing in a line, as the curtain opens. They speak as though speaking to JONATHAN.)

CRISTINA
Many are indeed scared by the word needle or shot.

SARA
But it is true that in order to live long and prosper…the needle is a necessary evil.

CRISTINA
But the needle can be good for many reasons!

JONATHAN
Like what?

SARA
Well, an injection by a doctor, who is certified and not psycho, can help to reduce the strain of getting dangerous colds, such as the H1N1 virus.

CRISTINA
In other words, Jonny, you won’t die young from a life-threatening disease.

SARA
But it can also build up your immune system and pose as a simple measure for which you can help another person in need of blood.

JONATHAN
Really?

SARA
Indeed! The needle is not always an evil instrument...for torture...

CRISTINA
That’s a syringe: a negative and sinister word for a shot.

JONATHAN
Syringe...?

SARA
Cris, syringes are the ones that are in movies. Those are the scary ones. However it is true that syringes are just another word for a shot.

JONATHAN
Scary?

CRISTINA
Don’t be scared completely though, syringes barely exist if at all, here, in the real world. We prefer to use the term injection or shot.

SARA
You find those mostly in the ER…but don’t worry, only if you are seriously hurt will you have to come in contact with one of those.

CRISTINA
I think Peeks is mistaking the syringe with the shot...but who can worry about changing his mind.

JONATHAN
He has Needlephobia!

SARA
Oh yeah, completely! Speaking of the Phobic, where is Patrick?

JONATHAN
I don’t know...but I have Needlephobia too so what does this mean?

SARA
It means nothing, Jonny...Needlephobia is a part of the brain, it’s what you want to feel, something you must overcome.

CRISTINA
Hey guys, where’s Patrick Kane? Kanerboo!?

JONATHAN
Oh yes where is he?

CRISTINA
He’s probably feeling bad that he scared you...

SARA
He thinks that he gave Jonny Needlephobia!

CRISTINA
He what? Come on let’s go find him...before he hurts himself!

(Exit them to L.)

Notes

Scene 2 for this strange thing. :P
Heehee...more Kazer singing! lol


Next up: Um, problems I guess and stuff