Stay, Stay, Stay

Panic took over every part of me and I sat in horror, the red stained toilet paper still in my hand. My black underwear, too dark to show anything, had given me no warning of what I was about to encounter. The world around me spun and I lost all ability to comprehend where I was. Memories of baby Sara came flying back to me, Serena’s broke heart, her inability to fully recover. I heard a noise that I couldn’t recognize as my own and my only thought was how horribly I’d jinxed my life. I was naive to believe things could improve so substantially in such a short time frame.

I wanted to move, to clean myself up and go on with my day, maybe even forget what I assumed was happening. But instead I sat paralyzed, my head fuzzy despite the racing thoughts streaming through it in high definition clarity. Serena’s face, Sara’s body, the anguish, it all appeared as if being projected on the walls of my mind. Split second clips mixed in with terrorized thoughts of what could be happening to me.

And then it clicked. Something inside of me broke and I started moving faster than I thought possible. I discarded the toilet paper, pulled up my pants and frantically made my way to Sidney’s stall. I searched through his pockets, cursing myself for relinquishing my phone. I was rooting through his bag when I heard a voice behind me.

“Haley said you’d be in here..” Beau spoke casually. I spun around to face him, a pair of Sid’s boxers in my hand and what I imagine was a crazed look in my eyes. “Are you okay?” he took a few steps towards me, carefully, as if he was approaching a wild animal.

“No,” I heard my voice but didn’t recall speaking. “Go get Sidney, tell him it’s an emergency. Tell him I need him. Just get him.” I sounded surprisingly calm given my increased heart rate and shaking hands.

Beau turned, leaving me alone again. I stood dazed for a second, everything feeling surreal, then let my body crumble onto the floor. The funny thing was, I didn’t cry. I cried over commercials, I cried when I got a hole in my sock, I cried when there was no orange juice left, but sitting on the locker room floor after finding myself bleeding I was eerily emotionless. There was a little voice inside me screaming and sobbing, pushing for me to do the same, but the rest of my emotions were still under the haze of paralysis. Once again I had no idea how slowly or quickly time was passing. It felt like hours before Sidney came running into the room, but on the same hand it seemed as if I blinked and opened my eyes to find him with me.

“What’s wrong?” he threw his gloves off, and knelt in front of me, still dressed for practice. The strap of his helmet was undone and he pushed it off leaving it to fall onto the ground beside us with a crash.

“I need you to call Clementine. I can’t find my phone and I need Clem,” I replied. My appearance was so much calmer than I felt.

“What’s going on?” He reached behind me and grabbed his bag, quickly pulling my phone out of a zippered pocket inside. “Did you really interrupt the entire practice to get your phone?” he gave me a side-eyed glance then unlocked my phone.

“I’m sorry,” I let out a struggled breath. I don’t know why I didn’t tell him immediately what was happening. The logical thing to do would be to inform him of potential danger his child was facing. But instead I let him believe I’d disturbed practice for my own selfish reasons.

“Just tell me what’s going on,” he looked tired, frustrated, with his hair wet and pushed back and padded body towering over me.

“I need you to call Clem,” I said again. There was a battle raging on between my logical, functioning mind and the fear that had taken over every part of me.

“I know, I need to call Clem, but you need to tell me why,” He softened and took my shaking hand in his. Under normal circumstances I’d have pushed him away, not willing to touch his sweaty, freshly ungloved hands until he’d washed them. Gloves were by far one of the worst smelling pieces of hockey equipment in my experience.

I’d been around equipment my whole life and none of it was pleasant, but there was something potent about gloves. Hands themselves were strange. They served so many purposes, did so many things. When your hands are sticky you feel sticky all over, when they’re cold everything is cold, when they’re dirty nothing feels clean. Sidney had the steadiest hands I’d ever seen. While mine liked to fidget and play with things, his could stay completely still. I was his exception though. He liked to touch me, he liked to play with my hair and fingers. His usually still and calm hands were drawn to me and he was the first to admit it. But I liked it. I liked the feeling of his calloused fingers against my skin, or the warmth of his palm pressed against mine.

“Beatrice!” he shook my shoulders with enough vigour to pull my attention back to him. His hands felt heavy on me.

“I’m bleeding,” I finally told him, winning the fight against emotion. I felt cold inside. Almost as if I was feeling nothing at all.

Time suddenly sped up and before I could fully process everything Larry was calling the hospital, Sidney was dressed and I sat stunned in the front seat of his truck. Clem was meeting us at the hospital, Larry was calling to make sure we didn’t have to wait in the lobby and risk media attention, and I was supposed to be breathing. As ridiculous as it sounds, I wasn’t sure if I was feeling any physical pain, they tell you to breathe when you’re in pain, but I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. I wasn’t sure of anything. I knew that the lights were too bright, the sky was too white, and my face felt heavy. He drove with his steady hands, taking side streets to avoid traffic and shifting his focus between me and the road. But I did nothing, I just sat. I’d let the memories flood through my mind already and now every horrific thought seemed less threatening. I’d relinquished myself to the fact that I had failed and refused to allow myself to well up any false hope that may make it harder in the end.

We were taken to a private room immediately and my maternity pants were swapped for a hospital gown. Clem arrived soon after and was followed by a nurse and a sonographer pushing an ultrasound machine. She ignored the pleasantries and came directly to my side.

“We’re going to take care of you,” she told me. “We’re going to do an ultrasound, and you’re going to be okay, Beatrice.” Clem gave my shoulder a comforting squeeze and motioned for the sonographer to come closer with the ultrasound machine. It was all a blur. I’m sure they were introduced to me, but I couldn’t pick their faces out of a line up if I had to. I remember Sidney’s face, stone cold and terrified, with a fake smile plastered to his lips as he tried to keep my calm. But I was calm, I was eerily unresponsive to the emotions that were demanding to be felt.

“I’ve never had an ultrasound,” I said without thinking. “This is the first time we’ll see it, maybe.” The off the cuff remark seemed innocent, but as I watched Sidney shift uncomfortably and let out a subtle sigh I realized how selfish it was. I had had nearly an hour to go through the emotions and force myself into a state of numbness,
I was experiencing the terror first hand, but for Sidney this was fresh. He was forced to stand by and watch it all, no doubt thinking he needed to be strong for me.

“Is this your husband?” Clem asked me, knowing the answer to the question but very obviously trying to distract me as the ultrasound jelly was smoothed over my stomach by the high-frequency wand.

“Sid, this is Clementine” I looked up at him and took a deep breath. I didn’t listen to their introductions, instead I stared at the tiles of the ceiling and willed myself to feel something. The only emotion I could identify inside of myself was the frustration of not being able to feel anything. I heard their voices but didn’t join the tense and forced conversation. For the millionth time that day time seemed to be moving irregularly. Had I been there for hours? Days?

I didn’t try to fight the thoughts passing through my mind like cars on a freeway, fast and fleeting. I wasn’t going to be a mother. I’d finally understand Serena. I might lose Sidney. I might lose myself. Thoughts that would usually send me into a frantic tantrum came and went without evoking any response. It was as if they were facts that I had long ago come to terms with. I wondered if I hadn’t been waiting since the beginning of this to happen anyway, if it wasn’t just a self fulfilling prophecy.

“Oh thank god,” I heard Sidney say with a kind of joy that seemed misplaced. I turned my gaze to his his usually controlled face ruddy and wet with tears. “Did you hear them, sweetie?” he knelt down so his face was closer to mine. “The baby is okay. Everything is going to be okay.”

It took a moment to sink in, I repeated it in my mind again and again until I caught the full meaning of his words. He was okay. Our child was okay. Finally I felt something, relief. The same relief that was stolen from me the moment I saw blood, flowed back into me and I could feel myself beginning to defrost and his forehead pressed against mine and our tears landed together on the pillow. A surge of energy ran between us and it felt as if so suddenly I’d been brought back to life, shocked right in the chest and revitalized completely after being gone for so long.

After an uncomfortably invasive examination by a doctor, nurse, and Clementine I was diagnosed with a very unhappy cervix. Medically speaking I had a cervical polyp, a not uncommon condition that involves a benign growth on the inner cervix. Clem explained that with an increase in hormones and sped up metabolism, cervical polyps occasionally develop and are relatively harmless.

“I find the bleeding often happens after intercourse,” she looked at us with a knowing smile and I had to laugh as a blush crept from Sidney’s cheeks to his hairline.

“Please don’t say what I think you’re going to say,” I groaned.

“I’m not going to say stop, but I am going to say be careful,” she gave us both an apologetic smile. Sidney sat beside me, unable to make eye contact with anyone in the room.

“So basically we should go through the back door? Expand our sexual horizons? Go to fifth base?” I asked completely serious.

“Beatrice!” Sidney cried, his voice so high it was almost a shriek.

“What?” I turned to him. “It’s not like you weren’t thinking the exact same thing!”

“Actually, I wasn’t,” he shot me a comically concerned look.

“Liar,” I rolled my eyes and we turned back to Clem who was visibly trying not to laugh. The relief of finding out the baby was okay had left me slightly punch drunk.

“Just listen to your body. You know what is best for you, but you have to listen to yourself. I don’t want to remove it because anything remotely invasive so close to the uterus comes with risks I’m not eager to take. Make sure you keep an eye out for any bleeding and if it gets to be too heavy call me right away.” With Clem’s reassuring advice we left the hospital feeling lighter and calmer than when we arrived.

We drove home hand in hand, cancelling our dinner plans and opting instead to spend the night together on the couch. I was glad when he told me he’d rather stay home, because despite my improved mood I still wasn’t feeling 100%. And truthfully, after seeing his emotional reaction to everything that had just happened I wanted to stay as close to him as I physically could. The thought of sitting at dinner surrounded by people did not sit well with me, better yet, the thought of wearing real clothes and being in public didn’t sit well with me.

“Your phone has been vibrating non-stop for hours,” Sidney said as we changed in preparation for our exciting night in.

“Well can I have it?” I stood in front of him in just my underwear, no longer self-conscious of my protruding stomach and added weight. My heavy thighs and padded hips were nothing new, and while I found them unattractive, Sidney had made it very clear that he didn’t share my opinion.

“Do you want me to check it first?” he held the pink sparkly phone in his hand and shook off his pants. I had to remind myself of Clem’s warning and avert my eyes from his solid legs.

“Yeah,” I walked into the closet, heading directly for his side where I was more likely to find something comfortable.

“You have 400 notifications from Twitter, 32 emails, 47 text messages, 6 missed calls from Serena, 3 missed calls from Geno, so you actually have 9 missed calls from Serena, a call from your mum, and 2 missed calls from… Millie,” he appeared behind me in the closet. His tone shifted as he read off Millie’s name and I knew he was going to be eager for answers.

“I should call S back,” I reached to take my phone from him but he moved away. He wasn’t going to let me avoid the conversation.

“So you were talking to Millie this morning?” he pushed his hand through his hair.

“I was going to tell you tonight, when I wasn’t angry,” I leaned against the shelves and looked at the floor. “It wasn’t a pleasant conversation.”

“Is anything pleasant with her?” he said gruffly

“Well… yes… but I’m not going talk about that right now,” I teased.

“Why did she call?” he ignored my comment which felt a little insulting.

“She saw us in the paper. She was pissed I didn’t tell her.” I shrugged, hoping he’d drop it.

“Why? It’s not like you talk to her?” I could tell he was hesitant to ask, but that didn’t stop him from expecting I provide a thorough explanation.

“We talked a bit this summer. I called her when we were… not together.” I tried to remain confident, but I worried he would take it more seriously than it was. I couldn’t read the blank look on his face. “Without Serena I was… lost. I needed to talk to someone who wasn’t in our lives and she was there.” I admitted reluctantly.

We stood in silence for longer than I was comfortable with, then he finally rubbed his face with his free hand and sighed.

“I’m not going to say I’m not a little bothered, because you know how I feel about her. And I’m trying not to feel threatened. I trust you, I really do, but it bothers me that you didn’t just tell me.”

“I didn’t keep it from you like a secret, I just didn’t mention it because things were already hectic enough. It didn’t seem important.” I looked up at him, completely unsure where the conversation was going. I suspected that most husbands would not let it go easily, but I hoped that given our day Sidney wouldn’t insist on discussing the matter, because really, there wasn’t much to talk about.

“Alright,” he handed me the phone and pressed his hand against my stomach. “There are more important things in the world than who you do or don’t talk to. But for the future, you can tell me anything. Even if it’s about your ex-girlfriend.”

“I love you,” I kissed him chastely, still trying to avoid the temptation that came with him standing half naked in front of me.

“Oh good,” he chuckled. “I was worried we were just doing this for the media coverage.”

“And the sex,” I added.

“We’re not even going to talk about,” he grumbled. “Go call Serena before one of yous has a heart attack from going so long without contact or she ends up on our front stoop.”

“Oh baby, I love it when you talk Maritimer to me,” I pat his face with my hand and winked.

“What did I say?” he called after me confused, as I left the closet with a sweater draped over my arm.

“You said ‘yous’ and I love it,” I called back, dialling Serena’s number and going into the bathroom.

“Hi!” she answered after the first ring. “How are you? What happened? Are you alright? Geno said you went to the hospital, that Sid left in the middle of practice? But he didn’t know anything, I swear his english has gotten worse since we went to Russia.” she rambled on frantically.

“Everything is perfectly fine,” I said with a relaxed sigh and pushed myself onto the counter, sitting with my legs dangling over the edge. “The baby is completely fine. I had some bleeding but it’s nothing to worry about.”

“Bleeding?” she cried panicking, no doubt thinking the same thing I had just a few hours earlier. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I mean I have a polyp on my cervix, and after a heated conversation with Millie, the shower sex made it very unhappy.” I chuckled, trying to inject some cheerfulness into what was becoming a very serious conversation.

“Wait, hold on, Millie?” she ignored the medical mumbo jumbo and clung to the mention of my ex-girlfriend.

“Yeah, don’t ask. She saw the news in the paper and was pretty upset. I might have called her a few times this summer.”

“Pretty reasonable, I mean sparking up a friendship with your ex-girlfriend right before you get married.” The old Serena returned and our banter was off to a running start.

“I thought so. I mean who better to spice up any situation. Anyway, we’re going to see how it goes, but the midwife doesn’t want to remove the growth before the baby unless she absolutely has to. Heath risks and all.” I rest my head back against the mirror and wiggled into a comfortable position.

“Wait, so he literally fucked you until you bled? Was it like losing your virginity all over again?" she snorted. Her jovial tone and casual comments reminded me of our youth, laying on my bed with legs propped up against the wall, trying to speak in hushed tones to avoid drawing the attention of anyone who might happen to be outside of my door. I'd stay like that for hours, both of us giggling into the phone, discussing what at that moment always seemed like the most important thing in the world. Our analytical critique of the latest pop song like a closed door conversation between the president and Prime Minister, the gossip we shared as potent as a secret nuclear weapons.

 “No, because Sid didn’t cry afterwards," I giggled, cupping my mouth against the receiver.

“Did you happen to call Jack while you were there too?” Her words might have seemed critical to a third party, her gentle mocking might have resembled judgement but that was how we spoke. I knew she meant everything in the most lighthearted way possible.

“Nah, he’s got like 4 kids now." I spoke of my first serious boyfriend. "He married a mainland girl I think." I spat out the word mainland like it was poison that threatened my tongue.

"Dude, you married a mainlander too," she reminded me and I wrinkled my nose, making a retching sound. Of course there was nothing actually wrong with people from the mainland, but it was an ongoing joke between us that despite our burning desire to leave in our youth the Island was a breeding ground for good people and we would always be superior because we had grown up there. The truth was that anyone who left Atlantic Canada would inevitably spend their lives trying to make enough money to go back, to go home.

We continued our banter until I heard the TV on the other side of the door turn on and was pulled back to my reality. I wasn't fifteen anymore and trying to hide my newly matured words from my unsuspecting parents. I marveled for a brief moment at how quickly time had passed, my adult life had come and I was living something I'd never thought to dream up. Serena and I left each other with the memories still hanging in the universe between us, an invisible line keeping us firmly linked together for the rest of time. 

 I crawled onto my side of the bed and sat flush against Sidney, snuggly my head onto his shoulder and letting out a breath that felt heavy with the hectic energy of the day. On the television the heavily made up news reporters went over the weather and financial reports. I waited for the topic to shift to Sidney and the press conference, it felt inevitable, but still we sat with our eyes focused on the screen, not saying anything. When it finally came, after consumer complaints and a health expose, he calmly reached for the remote. I didn't think about what I was doing when I placed my hand over his, stopping him has his finger creeped towards the off button. He gave me a questioning glance, as if asking me if I knew what I was doing, but I didn't change my mind. Instead I smiled and turned my attention back to the TV where a clip of Sidney's hand reaching for mine at the edge of the stage was being shown. It felt strange to see us on the two dimensional screen. It didn't feel like us, I didn't look the person I thought I was. Instead of the strange, excitable person I knew I was, I saw a scared girl with a rounding midsection reaching for the outstretched hand of a well put together man who, despite his good looks and tailored suit, seemed just an nervous. It was a different look of fear in his eyes, almost hidden from the throngs of people who'd come to see him, but still evident to those who took the time to see him as a human. Beyond his heroic image, Sidney was just like me.

We didn't say anything even after the news anchors had commented on the announcement and wished us well. It wasn't a tense or intentional silent, neither of us was ignoring the other, we just didn't need to speak. After a day of noise and emotions it was nice to be alone without the pressure of being anything other than ourselves in our purest form. Sidney flipped through the channels and stopped on the opening credits of When Harry Met Sally, glancing at the smile on my face he placed the remote on the side table and pulled me closer to him. Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal were discussing the complexities of male-female relationships when I felt a new movement in my stomach. A stronger fluttering than the one I'd become used to. It tickled my insides and pressed lightly against my hand. A warm rush of joy spread through me and I took Sidney's hand and placed it where mine hand been, watching his face for a reaction. A few seconds later a grin spread across his lips and his eyes got lost in the crinkles from his cheeks.

"There you are, kiddo," he said softly. "We were worried about you."

Notes

I definitely didn't mean to leave you guys hanging for so long!

:)
xx- T