Suddenly I See

“What are you doing here?” Sidney asked skeptically as he slowly approached Sara.

“Well..I.. um.. called and you didn’t answer..” she stuttered, finding his unwelcomed gaze hard to digest.It was the first time he’d ever given her a frosty greeting, and it was a blow that she wasn’t expecting.“I just wanted to see how you were doing,” she smiled, persevering through the sting.

“I’m fine.”His response was hesitant, not knowing what Sara’s motive was to show up unannounced at his apartment, although he had a good idea what she wanted.Looking at her, she was wearing heels and black pantyhose, a knee-length cream colored pea coat, and her make up looked perfectly done, the dark eye shadow contrasting brightly and beautifully against her green eyes and blonde hair.She looked like she’d been on a date, and the idea that another man had taken her out made him pregnant with jealousy.

“Can I come in?” Sara asked meekly after waited what seemed like ages for him to politely invite her into his apartment.

“Why do you want to come in?” he questioned, stepping between Sara and the door.

“Because it would be more appropriate than standing in the hallway, Sid.”

He rolled his eyes, shaking his head disdainfully at the prospect that she wants to do what’s appropriate.The appropriate thing to do would’ve been to see a reproductive therapist.The appropriate thing to do would be to look into alternative means for having a baby.The appropriate thing to do would’ve been to stay married and work through it as a couple.

“I have a Christmas gift for you,” Sara said softly as she held up a wrapped gift that Sidney hadn’t noticed in her hands.“I promise to I’ll be quick,” she finished with a hopeful smile.

He didn’t want to let her in regardless of the memories blossoming in his head about the great years of their relationship and marriage.The truth was that he had a gift for her as well, something he bought before their separation and divorce, a little something he’d decided on while he was away on a road trip to the west coast even though they agreed they wouldn’t exchange gifts.Everything in his body was telling him to send Sara away, that her being in his apartment would end badly, that Parker was waiting for him in more ways than one.But against his better judgment, he opened his door, gesturing her to come in.

“I’m supposed to meet someone in a couple of minutes,” he explained as he shut and locked his door, trying not to stare at Sara’s snug coat, which happened to show off all of her features as she subtly sashayed further into his apartment.

“I’ll be right back,” he called out as he went into his bedroom to grab his coat and gift from his nightstand.Shrugging his coat on, he hurriedly returned to the living area where he left Sara, knowing he couldn’t leave Parker waiting for too long.He almost tripped over himself when he looked at Sara.Her coat was opened to reveal a red, lacy, barely-there piece of lingerie; something he specifically told her was his favorite.It left nothing to the imagination and he could see everything, nipples, recently shaped and waxed landing strip of pubic hair, everything.The black pantyhose were held up by a garter belt that must’ve been a recent purchase of hers considering he ripped the original off of her months before after a fight about their fertility issues.

He walked toward her slowly, taking all of her in.Her breathing was escalated the closer he stepped, and the cups of the lingerie barely held her breasts as they rose with every quiet gasp.With both hands, he took hold of the opening of the coat, his breath catching in his throat as she closed her eyes and gasped aloud, and did something he didn’t think he had the strength to do.He slowly pulled it together, attaching each button before he tied the coat tie tightly.

“Sar..” he began, only to be interrupted by her lips desperately kissing him while her hands snaked into his hair.

“Stop,” he demanded as he pushed her off gently, holding her at arms length.

“This was a bad idea,” he breathed, running his hands over his face as he stepped away from her.

“Come on, Sid.Don’t play hard to get.”The husky and darkness of her voice usually called to his desire, and in the past he’d be as hard as a rock, but instead he was angry and wanted to end the charade before it escalated any further.

“You’ve got to stop doing this.”His voice was low and almost menacing as he turned around to face her.“How the fuck am I supposed to move on if you call and show up every fifteen fucking minutes?I’ve seen you more in the past couple of weeks than I did throughout our entire separation.And what did we do each time?We fucked each other three ways from Sunday.Why is that, Sara?What do you want?”He only stopped his tirade when his voice raised multiple octaves.

“I want you,” she whispered as she walked toward him, putting her hand up to touch him.He caught her hand and put it down next to her side.In the most appropriate and opportune moment, he thought of Parker.Kevin ended their relationship because Parker was blind, and that hadn’t changed.Yet he managed to weasel his way back into her life.Sidney still had a meager and miserable ten percent chance of every impregnating a girl naturally, and that hadn’t changed.Sara wanted him for noting but orgasms and sex.

“Sara,” he sighed resignedly, “you don’t want me.You want the pleasure I give you.Nothing has changed.You want children and I can’t give them to you naturally, remember?It’s over.It’s over by your choice.You have to live with that.”

Sara looked down at her hands that were folded together so tightly that her knuckles were white.She looked up only once, tears threatening to overflow, and when one did, it took Sidney everything he had not to wipe it from her face.She looked dejectedly at him and turned to leave.

He hadn’t realized he was shaking until he put his key in the door to lock it, hearing faint sobs coming from the elevator bay.His instincts told him to run to her and hold her even if they were done, but he couldn’t.He wouldn’t.Putting his forehead against the door, he waited until he heard the elevator closed before he walked toward the stairwell.

“Jersey, come on!” Parker called from the door, throwing her scarf around her neck a couple of times.

“Time to go out!”

She set up the harness, expecting the hear Jersey’s collar jingle as she ran to the door, but the only thing Parker heard was the faint sound of M83 playing in the kitchen.Walking into the bedroom, she walked toward the proximity of Jersey’s bed, bending down to wake her, but when she felt the cool, undisturbed fleece of the dog bed, panic began to set in.Where could her dog have possibly gone?She walked over to the bathroom and opened the door, but nothing came of it.Repeating the action in the guest bathroom, praying she’d be locked inside by mistake, she opened the door to nothing.The only other place she didn’t check was the guest bedroom.Stepping inside, a very pungent smell hit her in the face.It was a mixture of something foul and sweet, like stomach bile mixed with antifreeze.Following the smell, she found herself at the bed, but was disappointed when she didn’t find Jersey on top of the mattress.She remembered Jersey would sleep under her bed when she was a puppy, and when she knelt down to feel under the bed, she felt Jersey’s paw, but instantly pulled back when it was ice cold.

“No…” Parker said in complete shock and denial, pulling her sixty-pound dog out from under the bed.She was limp, listless, lifeless, but upon feeling her chest, Parker could feel a faint heartbeat, and she knew she needed to get Jersey to a hospital immediately.

“Parker?”Sidney called when he stepped into her apartment, confused when he found an empty dram of medication lining her hallway.He picked one up, having difficulty reading the medication because the prescription sticker was damaged with scratches.Stepping further down the hall, he called her again.

“I’m in here!” Parker shouted as she dragged Jersey into the hallway, trying not to panic.“I need help.I don’t know what happened but I need to get her somewhere fast,” Parker rattled as she paced back and forth.

Without a beat, Sidney shoved the dram into his pocket, picked Jersey up and put her over his shoulder.Once she was secure, he grabbed Parker’s hand, pulling her with him as he headed for the elevators.

“Sit in the back with her,” he insisted to Parker, who stood at the car door, completely numb at the idea that her one true companion was near death.When Sidney looked at her, he could see that she was paralyzed with fear.Taking her hand again, he helped her into the backseat of his vehicle, buckling her in as he gave her reassuring words of encouragement about Jersey.

Parker silently prayed in the backseat as she petted Jersey’s head repeatedly, something that they did on the couch together.Parker would listen to the television while Jersey slept on her lap.Closing her eyes, Parker hoped she and Jersey could do it again, at least once more.

“We’re here,” Sidney said as he slammed the car into park, jumping out to retrieve Jersey from Parker’s lap.The force of Sidney’s movements to get Jersey out caused her to vomit again, this time all over Parker’s legs and his backseat.

“Wait here while I get her inside.I’ll be right back,” he shouted as he moved swiftly to the door, leaving Parker outside.

Sidney barely made it ten feet into the door before a receptionist recognized the dire situation, making an announcement that an emergency was in the lobby.Two women and a man ran into the lobby to retrieve Jersey, running her back into a closed off area while another receptionist took his information.

“Mr. Crosby, is this your dog?” the receptionist asked with a pad of paper, immediately recognizing him, but treating him in a professional manner.

“Its my friend’s dog.Her name is Jersey.She was found like this about fifteen minutes ago.My friend doesn’t know what happened but I think she ingested this medication,” he told the receptionist as he handed over the empty dram and his credit card.

“Put everything on this.I don’t care how much it is.Do whatever you have to do to save her.I’ll be right back.”

He jogged back out to the car to find Parker trying to scrub his backseat with the napkins he kept in the backseat for Phoebe.Her face was red and splotchy, crying quietly as she wiped up the seat, missing a huge portion in the process.Without saying anything, Sidney pulled Parker out of the car and into an embrace.He felt her stiffen at the unforeseen movement, but when he soothingly ran his hand through her hair, she relaxed as she returned the embrace as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, quietly crying into the crook of his neck and shoulder.

“Its ok.She’s in great hands.They’ll take care of her,” he soothed her softly as they subtly rocked back and forth in the veterinary parking lot.He was grateful that the emergency facility was relatively vacant; the threat of someone noticing him in Parker’s presence was slim.

“What if she dies?” Parker whispered with panic in her voice.As she asked, she inadvertently gripped his coat tighter.

“She’s strong.Whatever’s wrong, she’ll pull through.”He said it, knowing full well that he was trying to make Parker feel better, to give her hope where there was none like she’d done for him weeks before.He didn’t have a clue what would happen.He didn’t know how toxic that medication was for a dog to ingest, but given how limp and lifeless she was, he knew it wasn’t good.

“I need to clean out your backseat,” she said, still gripping him tightly.

“Don’t worry about that.Phoebe’s peed on those seats many times,” he chuckled, pulling her off so he could look at her, rewarded with a sad smile and sound that resembled a laugh.Parker looked devastated and tired, the blue in her eyes brighter than ever surrounded by the redness of crying.Reaching out, he wiped her cheeks with his thumbs, feeling strangely elated that he hadn’t wasted that same sentiment on Sara twenty minutes earlier.Taking her hand in his, they walked into the hospital and into an exam room to wait for the news on Jersey.

Parker was trying with no avail to wipe some of the vomit off of her jeans when the doctor came in with an update.She and Sidney had been waiting in the exam room for over an hour expecting and update on Jersey’s progress.

“Well, Ms. Fisher.It looks like Jersey is in acute renal failure from the toxicity of the medication she ingested.I gave her some toxoban to reverse some of the toxicity and she is alert.I’d like to keep her here for a couple of days to monitor her lab work.There is a good chance that she could turn around fully, but she needs to have her kidney’s flushed to see if the acute damage is permanent.”

“Ok,” Parker sighed as a tear ran down her face.She’d had her tasimelteon filled that morning for her sleeping disorder and hadn’t realized it had fallen out of her pocket when she got home.While Parker knew it was all an accident, the measure of guilt was overwhelming.

“I wish I could give you better news at this point, but we’ll monitor her very closely and keep you updated on her progress.”

“Can she see Jersey before we leave?” Sidney asked, taking Parker off guard.She didn’t know it was even an option to see Jersey.

“Absolutely,” the doctor smiled kindly.

“Will you come with me, Sidney?” Parker held her hand out expectantly.

“I, uh.I..” Sidney stuttered, knowing someone would recognize him, ruining his anonymity.As if on cue, the doctor spoke up.

“Ms. Fisher, I can only allow you to see Jersey at this time.”

“Oh.Ok,” Parker shook her head in disappointed understanding.

“I’ll be right here waiting,” Sidney told Parker as she followed, gripping the doctor’s arm in guidance.

The car ride back to the apartments was quiet except for the sound of soft holiday music playing in the car. Parker was lost in thought as she placed her head against the cool window and Sidney trying to think of a way to console her as she mentally blamed herself for Jersey’s declined condition.

“We’re back,” Sidney announced softly, pulling Parker out of her head as he put the car in park, turning off the ignition.

“Can I come home with you,” Parker asked suddenly, her voice low and numb.On the one hand, it sounded like something a girl would say for a chance to get into his pants, but he knew Parker didn’t mean it in that way.She would probably be lonely without Jersey by her side and wanted some company or a distraction of sorts.

“Yes,” he responded before he quickly exited the car and opened her door, the two walking in silence toward the elevator bay.

The elevator seemed to be rising slowly, slower than usual, and as he looked at Parker, he felt devastated that she was so distressed and melancholy.She was always upbeat and happy, and her eternal optimism was contagious and addictive.But now she was lost in fear of the unknown for her guide dog, her independence, and he wasn’t sure how to fix it.

Leading her into his place, he watched her walk numbly toward his couch, feeling her way as she moved until she found his couch.

“Can I get you something to drink?”

“Alcohol,” she responded.

“I have whiskey and an old bottle of tequila,” he listened, pulling down two bourbon glasses.

“Tequila,” she muttered as she toed her shoes off, folding her legs Indian style on the couch.

“I don’t have any lime,” he sat beside her, pouring them two shots of tequila.He handed her a glass, surprised at how quickly she took the shot, placing the glass back on the table, screwing her face up in disgust.After four more shots, Sidney lied and told her the tequila was gone, not wanting her to treat her sadness and guilt with alcohol.He’d been there and done that, woken up and functioned too many times on a nasty hangover after Sara.

“What was the medication for,” Sidney asked as he turned on the television.

“I have a circadian rhythm disorder because I can’t differentiate between day and night.I sometimes lie awake at night because I’ve slept all day without even knowing it.I’ve got two or three days without sleep,” she explained as she yawned.

“I don’t think I’ll be sleeping tonight,” she sighed resignedly, knowing that without Jersey beside her, she’d be awake all night worried about her.

“Why is that?”

“Because Jersey has slept with me every night since I got her.I’ve never slept alone,” she shrugged.

“Parker, you’re welcomed to stay here.I have a spare room,” Sidney suggested, wondering if she’d be able to sleep if someone else was in the vicinity.She looked exhausted and he wanted her to get a good night’s sleep given the events of the evening.

“That’s kind of you,” she yawned again, “but I wouldn’t want to put you out.”

“You’d hardly be putting me out,” he chuckled.“Besides, you could always start my braille lessons again,” he joked, attempting to bring up the good spirit of their conversation from earlier.He was rewarded with a genuine smile.

“Stay and watch TV with me.If you want to go home later, I’ll walk you,” he pulled her closer, putting her arm around her casually.Initially he wasn’t sure how she’d react, but when she leaned into him, putting her head on his shoulder, he put his feet on the coffee table and turned on Wedding Crashers.Within minutes, Sidney looked to Parker to find her sleeping against him, looking peaceful and stress free.Rearranging so that he was sitting with his back against the armrest and his legs along the couch cushions, he pulled Parker to him so that she could get more comfortable, lying half on him and half off.She’d done so much for him in the past weeks, and while letting her stay was only miniscule in comparison, he hoped he’d given her some kind of solace in dealing with Jersey.

Notes