Suddenly I See

"Phoebe, what's wrong?" Sara asked concernedly, listening to Phoebe hiccup and hyperventilate as she tried with no avail to stop crying.For the past week, Phoebe would sob relentlessly every time Sara and Maggie would talk. She'd never witnessed her niece so distressed before.

"I miss Sinny," Phoebe spoke through hiccups and a quivering chin, rubbing her eyes to alleviate the stinging of tears.

"I'm sure he misses you, too," Sara smiled, trying to cheer Phoebe up. "He scored two goals for you last night.”Phoebe began to smile through her hiccups.“Tell me about your visit with him,” she tried to coax Phoebe out of her sorrow.

Sara's heart clenched as she witnessed Phoebe's face light up as memories of that day flitted through her little mind, gasping before she started talking.

"Sinny and Awiel and me ate cookies and chocwat miwk. We watched Wittle Mermaid and painted..."

Phoebe's happiness was so contagious and palpable that Sara giggled with her niece, remembering the very fun adventures and play dates she, Phoebe, and Sidney shared in the past.

Abruptly, Phoebe ran out of the sight of the viewfinder, being replaced with Maggie.

"She's going to get a picture she painted at his apartment. She looks at it and talks to it every day.I think she had a great time with him.”

"Wow. Did he take her on a toy shopping spree or something?"

"No. They watched little mermaid, painted, napped, and then went to the park," Maggie listed as Phoebe ran back into view.“He let her open Christmas presents early, but she doesn’t seem interested.She loves her picture.”

"Oh, Phoebe! That's really beautiful," Sara gushed at her little niece, who sported a proud smile as she shoved the picture into the view finder for Sara to see. The painting was somewhat indistinguishable, but Sara could make out that there were three human-like figures.

"Dis is me, dis is Sinny, dis is Awiel," Phoebe pointed respectively. "Awiel sang and painted wif us, Sawa! She so nice and pwetty!" Phoebe exclaimed excitedly, speaking about the Disney character like she was an actual person.

"Phoebe, why don't you go put your picture away so it doesn't get destroyed," Maggie instructed. "It's almost bath time," Maggie shouted at her daughter as she moved back into the viewfinder.

"She seems happier now," Sara offered with a shrug.

"Yeah. Every time you've called, she thinks Sidney is calling. She talks about their day together like it’s the only memory her mind possesses."

"You know they've always had a special bond, Mag," Sara swallowed her gulp of wine, tucking her feet under herself as she rotated on her new couch. For a small moment, She allowed herself to imagine a life with Sidney as a father. She'd always found him to be extraordinarily excellent with infants and small children. The thought caused an unwelcomed watermelon-sized lump to form in her throat.

"New couch?" Maggie squinted as she recognized the new furniture.

"Yeah," Sara coughed, finding her voice catching in her constricted throat. "I figured I would make small changes to move forward," she nodded in her explanation, knowing her empathic expression was more to convince herself than to convince her sister. She bought the new couch because she felt a knot in her stomach every time she looked at it as unsolicited memories flooded her mind.

"That's good," Maggie smiled over-enthusiastically, trying desperately to hide her newfound knowledge. Sara read right through Maggie's concealment, knowing full well that Maggie was hiding something.

"That's it?" Sara questioned Maggie quizzically. "That's all you have to say, Ms-you've-made-a-huge-mistake-I-think-you're-an-idiot?"

"What? I think it's good to move on," Maggie explained defensively. "You can't live the rest of you're life with regret. If you want him back, then go after him before it's too late."

"I know Sid pretty well, Maggie. He's not one to get over someone by getting under someone else," Sara reasoned, voice laced with annoyance.Her face fell when she saw the look of apprehension and sympathy in Maggie’s face.

"Sara, Ariel is an actual person.”

"Don't be ridiculous, Maggie," Sara laughed. "He probably played King Triton and Phoebe was Ariel," Sara waved Maggie off.

"Listen to me. When I was prying Phoebe off if him, she kept crying about staying with Sid and Ariel. At first I though she was referring to the movie, but later on in the conversation, he admitted that Ariel was actually his friend who stopped by. I can't imagine it was a guy."

Sara couldn't think or speak, just replaying Maggie's words over and over, trying to digest what she said with immense difficulty. It had to have been Veronique and Estelle who stopped by. Then it hit her like a ton of bricks, making her seethe with anger. He had some vapid, immoral, filthy slut at his apartment with her niece, and the thought made her wrought with rage.

"And you were comfortable with some whore there with Phoebe?" Sara asked alarmed.

"He said it was a friend and I believe him. He's never given me a reason not to.Besides, he doesn’t seem like the kind of guy screws around with anything."

Ending the call a couple of moments later, Sara sat in utter silence for what seemed like ages, letting her thoughts run rampant in her mind. Who was the elusive Ariel? She knew all of Sidney's female friends because she kept jealous tabs on them throughout her relationship with him. How long had he known her and what were his intentions, and more importantly, what were hers? Downing her glass, Sara considered if he was really moving on that quickly, replacing her in every sense, and if it was to get back at her for the divorce? Knowing he’d answer if she called, she quickly dialed his number and waited, breath baiting more and more with every unanswered ring.

“I hope you like feta cheese on your pizza,” Parker said loudly, turning toward the hallway where Sidney had vacated to go use the bathroom.

“I love feta cheese,” he answered immediately, standing right next to her the entire time, trying to hide the laughter in his voice. When he noticed her physically jump out of her skin, he couldn’t help the sob of laughter that escaped his mouth, covering it up in an attempt to stifle it.

“Sorry, I didn’t realize you were standing right next to me,” she said in total embarrassment, laughing quietly at herself. Opening the refrigerator, she pulled out the feta cheese and moved back in front of the pizza pan, humming and subtly dancing to the quiet music as she went.

“How do you know that’s the feta?” Sidney asked in awe, wondering how she seemed so at ease in her apartment, as if she didn’t have any problem with vision.

“Close your eyes and turn around,” she told him, going back to the refrigerator with a playful smile on her face. He watched her as she pulled out another container of cheese, and by the quick look he had, it looked like shredded parmesan, romano, or asiago cheese.She opened both containers, setting them on the island in front of them before she reached up, taking him fully by surprise as she lightly felt her way from his upper back, up over his shoulders and neck, finally arriving at his face, covering his eyes with her hand. It was the first time she actually touched him, and the way her fingers dragged delicately on his skin was strangely good, something he wasn’t expecting, giving him goose bumps.

“Close them,” she insisted in almost a whisper, feeling his eyelashes flutter under her hand and his cheekbones rise as he smiled at the game. With her opposite hand, she grabbed the first container and held it in front of him where she thought his face was.“Smell this and tell me what kind of cheese this is.”

He tried to look through her small hands, but her hand covered his eyes very well to the point where he saw nothing but darkness. He reached for her opposite arm, finding it easily, and brought it to his nose, taking a small whiff.Years of eating spaghetti told him the cheese was parmesan as he remembered the smell of cheese and red sauce mixed together in a delicious blend.

“Parmesan,” he said out loud as he lowered her arm.

“And this?”

Repeating the same action, he brought her hand and container to his nose and took another smell, knowing the second container would be feta by default, but understood her point in the difference of smell.

“Feta.” The olfactory exercise was making his stomach growl loudly, and he couldn’t wait for the pizza to be finished baking.

Parker took her arm away, grinning as she put the parmesan cheese back into the refrigerator.

“I didn’t see you do a smell test,” he said in a question as he took a large chug of water.

“That’s because I know the feta container is square while the parmesan container is round,” she explained, sprinkling feta crumbled in and around the crust. Sidney watched as Parker finished preparing the pizza, noticing how she could feel her around and inside the crust as she worked, amazed at how adept she was at cooking without sight.Popping the pizza into the oven, she set the timer and leaned against the counter.

“Make yourself at home. I’m going to go grab my school bag,” she called out as she walked down the hallway.

Taking a seat on her familiar couch, he sipped on his water as he surveyed the room as usual, taking notice of the large boxes in the corner. He had to turn his head sideways to read the writing.“Christmas” was sloppily written in permanent marker on each box.Before he got a chance to further explore the content of the boxes, thinking he could help her decorate her Christmas tree, Parker walked into the living room, looking puzzled as she slowed down before sitting on the couch.

“I thought you’d be watching TV or something,” she expressed as she pulled a stack of papers out of her large shoulder bag. She put the remote in his lap haphazardly, not realizing where it landed as she turned back to her task.After turning on the television, flipping aimlessly through the channels, he found Parker’s task more interesting than the TV.He watched as she read braille, lightly flitting her fingers over the bumps, stopping to make corrections.He was mesmerized, and he wondered how sensitive her fingertips were, or if they were destroyed from multiple cuts or burns.

“Do your student’s type their papers in braille?” he asked, genuinely curious. Were their braille typewriters?Printers?How did she get the papers to print that way?

“They submit their papers onto a program in the classroom and it converts to braille for me. The school also has a very expensive braille printer.My teachers aid will transcribe my corrections to the original typed papers for the students,” she explained.

“Was it difficult to learn?” he asked, scooting closer as if he could see the dotted patterns and distinguish their Latin letter counterpart.

“Not really,” she shook her head. He could see the idea brewing in her head as she smiled brightly before she walked quickly back toward her bedroom. Just as quickly as she disappeared, she returned with a flash card sized plastic rectangle that was covered in braille and its corresponding letter or number.

“May I?” she sat down, holding a hand out for him to take.

“This is the alphabet,” she explained as she slowly dragged his pointer finger over the letters. “And these are numbers,” she continued the task, navigating his finger over the dots.She repeated the rows several times, and he tried to differentiate between the different letters, but he couldn’t.

“Should I be taking notes?” he asked jokingly, finding it amusing that she was eager to teach him braille.

“Only if you want to pass the test later,” she returned with equal fun in her voice. Sidney couldn’t be sure, but he could’ve sworn she was flirting with him.Her sentence seemed like it potentially had more than one meaning.“I used this to learn and memorize braille when I first lost my sight.I hoped that I’d regain it, that the bacterial infection was just temporary.I kept this with me everywhere I went.I’ll never get rid of it,” she mused aloud as she set it aside and went back to correcting and grading.

“What are the essays about?”

“How the structural composition of Beowulf contributes to the theme and story as a whole.”

“I never read Beowulf in school.”

“Well, its not everyone’s cup of tea,” she chuckled, “I’d offer you my copy, but its in braille, and since you didn’t bother to take notes, I guess you can’t borrow it,” she smiled as she looked in his direction.

Suddenly, Sidney’s phone started ringing. When he looked at the ID, his stomach lurched into his throat.Why was Sara calling?What did she want?Was his emotional state stable enough to talk to her?The last time he saw Sara, he was making her shout his name on his couch before she up and left abruptly.Sidney looked at Parker, who was looking expectantly.He was happy she couldn’t see the combination of flush and panic on his face.

“You can take the call,” Parker told him as she attended the kitchen to retrieve the pizza.

“Its not important,” he sighed as he pressed ignore, switching his phone to silent as he followed to help her with the pizza. He wasn’t going to overanalyze the reason for the call, telling himself he’d deal with it later if he dealt with it at all.

“So how was the visit with your friend?” Sidney asked, taking a slice of pizza onto his plate. He’s been thinking about it since the night he interrupted her with an unnamed guest.

“Oh, Kevin is fine,” she said nonchalantly, pouring herself a glass of lemon water.

“Kevin? As in ex-boyfriend, Kevin?”He felt ridiculous the way his voice sounded so taken aback.She nodded as she chewed a bite.

“Are you..?” He couldn’t finish he question, not sure if he wanted to know about her relationship with Kevin, or if it was appropriate to pry into her personal life.They were friends, and she’d tell him if she wanted him to know.Deep down, he hoped Parker didn’t want him back.

“He asked me to dinner. We’re going tomorrow night,” she explained, and Sidney noticed that she didn’t seem at all enthused.He could always read Parker based on her facial expressions.When she was elated or enthusiastic about something, the excitement always reached the corner of her eyes, and they seemed to light up as if nothing was wrong with them.

“I wonder what changed his mind?” She told him that he broke up with her when she went blind, and nothing had changed.Maybe he finally regained his wits and realized how moronic he was in dumping her.Parker shrugged in response.

“To be fair, the dinner may be nothing. We were friends before we dated.And besides, Kevin has always been a guy who didn’t go back on his decisions.Once they were made, he stuck to them.”

“I’m sure he has ulterior motives,” he scoffed with a laugh.

“How can you be so sure?” Parker asked as she put her pizza down, giving Sidney her full attention. When he looked at Parker, she didn’t looked pleased.

“I’m not,” he hesitated, “but typically, a guy doesn’t ask a girl to dinner unless he’s interested regardless of history.”

“And that would be bad, how?” Parker responded in seriousness. She wanted to tell him that it had been five years since someone has kissed her or touched her romantically aside from the awful chin kiss by her colleague.If Kevin wanted to start over, then she would consider it.Besides, there relationship wasn’t bad until she got sick.Parker told herself repeatedly that she couldn’t put all of her eggs into his basket.

Before Sidney got a chance to explain his interest in Parker and Kevin, afraid that he offended her, Parker interrupted him.

“Maybe he made a mistake? Maybe he realized he was wrong?It doesn’t matter because I’m one who believes in giving people second chances.And if he is trying to rekindle our relationship, then I’ll consider it if it comes to that.”In reality, she wanted to scream at Sidney for being obtuse, for seeming interest but never actually doing anything about it.He asked her to have coffee with him, concluding the night by calling Kevin a moron for dumping her.He rescued her with glass in her foot, gently wiping blood off of her face.He practically told her she was attractive through the guise of his niece and framed Phoebe’s picture of them for her.He wanted to share her homemade cookies together.What always seemed to shine through, however, was their moment in the elevator, when he told her she was his upside.She tried flirting verbally and physically, but nothing ever came of it.She didn’t want to go on a date with Kevin, but she couldn’t wait forever.

He could hear the hint of bitterness in her voice, obvious that his inquiry upset her. She looked irritated, flustered, and what he couldn’t understand was the look of confusion and fear in her face.Maybe she was battling the same questions internally.What if she was afraid that his intentions weren’t honest, that she knew she’d get hurt in some way by going to dinner with Kevin.But when she closed her eyes, her face looked as if she was yearning for something.Maybe it was something else that he hadn’t thought of.

“I can’t wait forever,” she said softly, an octave above a whisper, echoing her thoughts as she looked toward the floor.

“Can’t wait forever for Kevin?” Sidney asked, trying to gauge what she was trying to say. The idea that she’d wait for the asshole that broke her heart stung him deeply.If he could, he’d make her forget Kevin existed.

“No,” she snorted and laughed out of frustration. She couldn’t believe Sidney was really that oblivious.She resigned herself, shaking her head to clear it, knowing he was a lost cause.Maybe he wasn’t interested in her as anything more than a friend, and maybe it was just as well.Sidney probably wasn’t emotionally available.

“Then what are you waiting for?” Sidney asked again, wanting to know the answer. She was waiting for someone, and he had a good idea who it was, but he wanted to hear her say it.Say his name.He watched as she contemplated the answer in her mind, biting her lip nervously as she blushed.Without immediately noticing, he felt himself step closer to her.

“Parker?”

“I think I should take Jersey outside,” she stepped in his direction, walking into him, not knowing he was standing so close. Sidney grabbed her as she bounced off of him, assuring she didn’t fall into something in her kitchen, keeping hold of her as she found her balance again. They both stood in her kitchen, longer than they should have, waiting for the other to make a move.

“Sorry,” she muttered as she walked by him, as red as a tomato as she walked down her hall.

“Can I join you,” he asked as he walked behind her.

“I’d like that,” she smiled, and if that wasn’t a nonverbal response to his questions, he didn’t know what was.

“Give me a couple minutes. I need to grab my coat.I’ll meet you here in five?”

“We’ll be waiting,” Parker said as she put on her scarf.

Taking out his phone, he called Vero as he ran up the stairwell to his apartment, knowing she would give him sound advice on the last couple of minutes in Parker’s apartment. He left a message, begging her to call as soon as possible before he opened the door to his floor.As he turned the corner, he stopped dead in his track, only to find Sara waiting for him at his door.

Notes