Just You and Me, Kid

“Let’s play a game,” Satu said with a grin, and refilled Kasperi’s glass. They’d been drinking all evening, celebrating Kasperi’s return from Pittsburgh for the Penguin’s prospect camp. By now they had both drank enough that they were definitely beyond tipsy, but not yet drunk.

“Okay,” Kasperi sat up, liking where this was going.

“Tell me something you’ve never told anyone before.”

‘How exactly was that a game?’ Kasperi thought, but he went along with it. If it made Satu happy…. “I really like the color pink.”

She giggled. “That’s great, see, you’re opening up! Okay, my turn. Umm…. Growing up, I had a crush on my friend’s brother. I was really only friends with her because of that.”

“Wow, so we’re revealing dark secrets now,” Kasperi laughed. “I cried during Toy Story 3.”

“I think everyone did,” Satu smiled and took a sip of her drink. “I never really liked hockey until I started dating you.”

“Really? I didn’t know that.”

“That’s the point of the game, Kassu,” she laughed and hit his arm playfully. “You’re turn.”

“Okay, umm….” There were so many things he’d never told anyone, and he’d like to keep it that way. But he could tell Satu, right? At this point, his head was starting to spin a little, and he couldn’t even make up something to say to her.

“Kassu….?” She prompted him after a minutes silence.

“I might be a dad.”

“What?” Satu narrowed her eyes in confusion and tilted her head. “I’m not-”

“No, I know. I mean I might have a child. He was born a few weeks ago, I just have to get the results of the paternity test to know for sure.”

Satu gazed at Kasperi’s face in pure shock, her countenance flickering between betrayal, disbelief, and anger.

“Stop it.”

“She named him Kasperi Finn Eldridge.”

“Shut the fuck up Kassu!” She whispered while lowering her face.

“Look at me Satu.”

“How long have you known?”

“Since November.” He blurted out, without really thinking

“Look at me!” Kasperi said more firmly.

Satu looked him in the eye, her eyes already red and tears are almost spilling over.

“I’m…. I’ve….” Kassu couldn’t seem to form any words, he just stammered around.

“I need some time.” Satu said to him in the most monotone voice, but he could hear the hurt in her voice. She got up and went to the door.

Kasperi ran after her and grabbed her. She fell into his chest and started sobbing. He would rather rip out his own heart than cause her this pain.

“I love you, you are my everything,” he whispered into her hair, but his comforting words made her cry out more. They stood there for a minute before she pushed herself away and got out the door.

Kasperi expected himself to be devastated or angry, but all he felt was numbness. Like he’s not living right now, just passively watching his life unfold, and there was nothing he could do, nothing he wanted to do. He didn’t deserve Satu, and now he’d broken her heart.

The next day an envelope was slid into his door mailbox. He found it when he finally woke up and stumbled out of bed. The envelope didn’t have an address, but that wasn’t necessary.

Satu didn’t come to say goodbye, she left him with hard black lines on white paper. Kasperi couldn’t open the envelope and read the letter. He was scared that she would write him that they were over or even worse, write to him that she needed him.

Could he trade hockey for her?

He decided to leave the letter closed for now, believing that not knowing right now is better than knowing.

He tried to eat breakfast, but he wasn’t hungry. He headed to the gym, but his heart was a gaping hole restricting air from the rest of his body. By the time he got home, he was starting to think his heart was actually physically broken.

He stared at the envelope another half hour, trying to prepare for whatever it said. His future lay in that envelope, and whatever it contained, he was going to have to face it one way or another, whether he was ready for it or not.

Dear Kasperi

I’m so sorry for reacting the way I did. I know it was not what you needed, what you need. But I can’t help but feel betrayed. You didn’t tell me this big piece of information, you didn’t trust me. I tried to give you everything. I gave you my heart, but it wasn’t enough.
I don’t want you to contact me again. You need to try and work it out with the mom if that is truly your child. You owe it to that child to try and give it a normal family.
I can’t live with myself knowing that I might break up a family.

If you care for me at all you won’t make this harder on me and leave me alone.

Satu.

Notes

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