Seeing Stars
35: You Shouldn't Have To
"A girl like you can do anything, but anything you don't wanna do, you shouldn't have to..."
The end of September should have been a happy time for several reasons. One, it meant that the three game road trip that Jamie had been on for the preseason was now over, and he’d be in town for the next two. Secondly, it meant Cassidy was only two and a half months away from graduating. And lastly, it meant Jamie and the team would return to a reliable schedule of practice days, game days, and off days.
So on September 29th, when Cassidy was minding her own business, walking down one of the back hallways of the American Airlines Center, she couldn’t have expected that the end of her September would suddenly go sour.
“Ah, just the person I wanted to see,”
Cassidy looked up and smiled as the team’s physician was headed her way. She’d met him plenty of times before, as he usually liked to discuss the severity of Jamie’s injuries. She stopped in front of him, looking down as he thrust a stack of papers into her hands.
“Can you do me a favor and give those to Jamie. They’re the reports and in-home recommendations he asked me to research.”
She flipped through the papers, each one lengthier than the one that preceded it. “In-home recommendations… what are these for?”
The team’s physician shook his head, “he just asked me to research it… knew I had contacts throughout the league that could help. Would you give them to him for me?”
Cassidy pursed her lips and nodded. With the game about to start, she looked back down at the papers. There were spreadsheets to get done for the upcoming charity events, but those would have to wait. For now, these papers took precedence, and Cassidy had to get back to Jamie’s house. She needed time to go over them, understanding their relevance and importance to Jamie’s life. And she’d have that time, because by the time Jamie and Jordie returned home, it’d be close to midnight. Great, four and half hours.
Like she had done on many different occasions, Cassidy fixed herself a cup of tea, letting it steep, as she got comfortable on the couch. With a blanket pulled over her and the game on mute, she picked up the first paper.
“Alright, Steven Henderson M.D. from Chicago, Illinois. What are you all about?” She murmured to herself, skimming through the document. It seemed to be the synopsis of a paper he’d written on chronic illnesses. To her knowledge, Jamie didn’t have any illnesses of that sort. If he did, he probably wouldn’t be playing professional hockey.
So she turned to the next page and scanned the information. It was a list of nurses, with upwards of forty names that stretched from Nashville to Los Angeles. It was unclear why the names were there in the first place.
It was the last pages that left her the most distraught. And she must’ve been staring at them for over an hour, trying to make sense of what she just figured out, because Jamie came barreling into the house, obviously excited because he had seen her car in the driveway.
“Baby, let’s celebrate the win,”
It was the first thing out of his mouth, and Cassidy shut her eyes as he bent over the back of the couch, forcing her head backwards so he could plant his lips on her neck and shoulder. She held up the stack of papers, catching Jamie’s attention, and waited as he pulled away from her and stood quietly.
Cassidy turned on the couch to look up at him, his face blank. “At first I was confused, but it became abundantly clear what this was when I saw permit forms for large quantities of high dosage painkillers, and information on in-home hospice care.”
“Who gave that to you,” Jamie mumbled.
“Spare me, Jamie. You know damn well who gave these to me!” She slammed the papers down on the coffee table. After standing up from the couch, she became confrontational, pointing at him, “I told you to let it go! We don’t need your charity!”
“It’s not charity!” Jamie yelled back to match the volume of Cassidy’s voice. “Your dad needs help, Cassidy! And for some stupid reason, you won’t go see him! If you want me to butt out, then go to fucking Nashville and help your father!”
Cassidy furrowed her eyebrows and glared at him, “it’s not stupid,” she growled.
“It is!” The front door opened and Jordie poked his head in, but hearing his brother’s aggressive tone, he backed out of the house. “You won’t go to Nashville because you don’t want me to pay for your next semester of school! And you won’t let me pay to help out your father so you don’t have to leave Dallas! Do you see how stupid that is?!”
“I don’t want to owe you anything!” Cassidy threw her hands up in the air, frustrated with this entire situation.
“You don’t!” He threw his hands out towards her, “I know you’re capable of getting through this by yourself, and figuring all this out for yourself, but you shouldn’t have to! And you don’t have to!”
When she felt her eyes begin to sting as she held back tears, Cassidy turned her back to him to hide the emotion that was now crossing her face. She wiped her eyes and crossed her arms across her chest.
“Cassidy, your dad doesn’t want surgery to remove the tumors in his liver. The cancer is aggressive.” Jamie walked around the couch and stood behind her, setting his hands on top of her shoulders, where she immediately shrugged them off. “He wants his last months to be in his home, where he’s comfortable. I can make it comfortable for him, so let me.”
Cassidy reached down to grab her purse, digging through it to search for her keys. Immediately, Jamie reached for her wrists, holding them still.
“Don’t leave; you’re too worked up. I don’t want you getting into an accident… c’mon, let’s go to bed.”
“I can’t sleep with you tonight,” she looked up at him. Having fought off the tears, she looked more pissed off now than ever.
“Can’t or don’t want to,” he mumbled, setting her purse back down on the floor.
“Don’t want to,” she spat, tugging her wrists away from his grip. At her response, Jamie looked hurt by her confession.
“I don’t have a guest room made up, so you can stay in my room tonight.” He shook his head and backed away from her, “You make it hard sometimes, but I love you Cassidy.”
Without even turning back to him, Cassidy walked up the stairs and disappeared down the hallway to his bedroom. She slammed the door to make a point, and when she realized she was finally alone, she sucked a deep breath in and collapsed on the bed. By now, she figured Jamie was reorganizing the mess of papers downstairs, and it took everything in her to keep from throwing another tantrum.
The buzzing on Cassidy’s phone was obnoxious, made more so by the fact that it couldn’t have been later than eight in the morning, and after the night she’d had, she was still exhausted.
“That man gives you everything and you have the audacity to give him shit about trying to help me?”
Cassidy groaned and sat up in bed. Yes, her dad was pissed.
“Well I hate to break it to you sweetheart, but I’m your fucking father…” Wow, a lot of people were using that word these days. “…and I don’t need your permission to accept help. And I have cancer, so I think I’m entitled to say whatever the hell I want,”
“Dad, you’re forgetting who has to pay him back once you’re gone. Me; that’s all left up to me,”
“Ah bullshit. He’s not doing it to blackmail you; he’s doing it because he loves you. And because you love me, he’s gonna do whatever he can to help me out. I ain’t a damn fool, Cassidy. I’m having the in-home hospice care, and you can come visit me whenever you get off that high-horse of yours.”
The phone call ended shortly after that, and Cassidy made her way downstairs, still in the clothes from the night before. Entering the kitchen, Jamie was already sitting at the counter, sipping a cup of coffee. In the spot beside him, another cup of steaming hot coffee was waiting to be claimed.
“Is this for Jordie?” Cassidy mumbled. When Jamie shook his head, she sat down beside him and held the cup in her hands. “You won’t use it as blackmail or leverage…”
Jamie shook his head again, “I just want to make the remainder of your dad’s life as comfortable as possible. If he doesn’t get help Cassidy, he’s going to be in pain the entire time.”
“It’s just hard, you know?” She looked up at Jamie, “he raised me practically by himself, and by July I’m essentially going to be an orphan. So tell me how I’m supposed to react to that, Jamie. Tell me how I’m supposed to take the news of your plan to sedate my father into death.” Her eyes were stinging again, but instead of holding the tears back, she let them fall down her cheeks. “Tell me, because I’d really like to know.”
She began to cry harder, and Jamie wrapped his arms around her shoulders, stroking his hand through her hair as he set his cheek against the side of her head.
Cassidy clung to his shoulders, “I don’t want him to die.”
She wiped her eyes on his t-shirt, curling her fingers into the fabric as Jamie began to rub her back slowly, easing her back into a normal rhythm of breathing.
“Cass, you should go back to Nashville. Take Kennedy along. I’ll be there the eleventh for a game, and you can decide what you want to do then.”
She pulled back and slid her fingers beneath her eyes, sitting back in her chair. Jamie’s advice was sound. She should go back to Nashville, if only to see her dad one last time as the man she grew up with. As his condition worsened, he’d slowly become less of that man, and more like a man riddled with a disease there was no cure to.
There was no doubt that change was coming, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. By the holidays, Cassidy knew that her dad would be a drastically different man.
“Don’t you have to get to the morning skate?” Cassidy got out of her daze, glancing at the clock before looking back up at Jamie, who was still sitting beside her, rubbing her back soothingly.
“It’s optional,” he murmured, shaking his head. He was trying to be supportive, and she was truly thankful for that.
Cassidy shook her head and reached up to caress his cheek, smiling up at his unruly hair, “you’re the captain. Go, I’ll find a way to be okay without you for a few hours.”
“You sure,” he questioned. When Cassidy smiled and nodded, he leaned in and kissed her forehead quickly, “I’ll be back soon. Just stay comfortable,”
He was out of the house shortly later, wasting no time in getting to the rink. Meanwhile, Cassidy stayed put in the kitchen, looking out the back door to watch as the wind licked at the pool water, sending it crashing into the stone walls. She was looking for a way to distract herself, and this seemed to be it. Focusing on the water took her mind off of all the real life drama. But subconsciously, she yearned for life to be less complicated; black and white, cut and dry.
A life where her parents weren’t cursed with cancer; a life where, despite all odds, she would grow old and her parents would grow even older, and they’d watch her have a family of her own. Soon, Cassidy’s family would be Jamie and Kennedy, and while she knew Kennedy would always be by her side, Jamie’s spot seemed up for grabs. This was the type of thing that could tear them apart. Because regardless of whether or not Jamie used this as blackmail in the future, Cassidy would always feel indebted to him; like he prolonged her father’s life for as long as he could.
In the end, she’d always worry about his money, and at what cost it came at. Jamie barely knew her father, and yet he was dishing out money for in-home hospice care. There had to be a catch to his generosity; a condition. She hated to think that way about Jamie, her boyfriend for God sake. But no one had ever offered up anything as big as this before, so she couldn’t really determine his motives.
The end of September should have been a happy time for several reasons. One, it meant that the three game road trip that Jamie had been on for the preseason was now over, and he’d be in town for the next two. Secondly, it meant Cassidy was only two and a half months away from graduating. And lastly, it meant Jamie and the team would return to a reliable schedule of practice days, game days, and off days.
So on September 29th, when Cassidy was minding her own business, walking down one of the back hallways of the American Airlines Center, she couldn’t have expected that the end of her September would suddenly go sour.
“Ah, just the person I wanted to see,”
Cassidy looked up and smiled as the team’s physician was headed her way. She’d met him plenty of times before, as he usually liked to discuss the severity of Jamie’s injuries. She stopped in front of him, looking down as he thrust a stack of papers into her hands.
“Can you do me a favor and give those to Jamie. They’re the reports and in-home recommendations he asked me to research.”
She flipped through the papers, each one lengthier than the one that preceded it. “In-home recommendations… what are these for?”
The team’s physician shook his head, “he just asked me to research it… knew I had contacts throughout the league that could help. Would you give them to him for me?”
Cassidy pursed her lips and nodded. With the game about to start, she looked back down at the papers. There were spreadsheets to get done for the upcoming charity events, but those would have to wait. For now, these papers took precedence, and Cassidy had to get back to Jamie’s house. She needed time to go over them, understanding their relevance and importance to Jamie’s life. And she’d have that time, because by the time Jamie and Jordie returned home, it’d be close to midnight. Great, four and half hours.
Like she had done on many different occasions, Cassidy fixed herself a cup of tea, letting it steep, as she got comfortable on the couch. With a blanket pulled over her and the game on mute, she picked up the first paper.
“Alright, Steven Henderson M.D. from Chicago, Illinois. What are you all about?” She murmured to herself, skimming through the document. It seemed to be the synopsis of a paper he’d written on chronic illnesses. To her knowledge, Jamie didn’t have any illnesses of that sort. If he did, he probably wouldn’t be playing professional hockey.
So she turned to the next page and scanned the information. It was a list of nurses, with upwards of forty names that stretched from Nashville to Los Angeles. It was unclear why the names were there in the first place.
It was the last pages that left her the most distraught. And she must’ve been staring at them for over an hour, trying to make sense of what she just figured out, because Jamie came barreling into the house, obviously excited because he had seen her car in the driveway.
“Baby, let’s celebrate the win,”
It was the first thing out of his mouth, and Cassidy shut her eyes as he bent over the back of the couch, forcing her head backwards so he could plant his lips on her neck and shoulder. She held up the stack of papers, catching Jamie’s attention, and waited as he pulled away from her and stood quietly.
Cassidy turned on the couch to look up at him, his face blank. “At first I was confused, but it became abundantly clear what this was when I saw permit forms for large quantities of high dosage painkillers, and information on in-home hospice care.”
“Who gave that to you,” Jamie mumbled.
“Spare me, Jamie. You know damn well who gave these to me!” She slammed the papers down on the coffee table. After standing up from the couch, she became confrontational, pointing at him, “I told you to let it go! We don’t need your charity!”
“It’s not charity!” Jamie yelled back to match the volume of Cassidy’s voice. “Your dad needs help, Cassidy! And for some stupid reason, you won’t go see him! If you want me to butt out, then go to fucking Nashville and help your father!”
Cassidy furrowed her eyebrows and glared at him, “it’s not stupid,” she growled.
“It is!” The front door opened and Jordie poked his head in, but hearing his brother’s aggressive tone, he backed out of the house. “You won’t go to Nashville because you don’t want me to pay for your next semester of school! And you won’t let me pay to help out your father so you don’t have to leave Dallas! Do you see how stupid that is?!”
“I don’t want to owe you anything!” Cassidy threw her hands up in the air, frustrated with this entire situation.
“You don’t!” He threw his hands out towards her, “I know you’re capable of getting through this by yourself, and figuring all this out for yourself, but you shouldn’t have to! And you don’t have to!”
When she felt her eyes begin to sting as she held back tears, Cassidy turned her back to him to hide the emotion that was now crossing her face. She wiped her eyes and crossed her arms across her chest.
“Cassidy, your dad doesn’t want surgery to remove the tumors in his liver. The cancer is aggressive.” Jamie walked around the couch and stood behind her, setting his hands on top of her shoulders, where she immediately shrugged them off. “He wants his last months to be in his home, where he’s comfortable. I can make it comfortable for him, so let me.”
Cassidy reached down to grab her purse, digging through it to search for her keys. Immediately, Jamie reached for her wrists, holding them still.
“Don’t leave; you’re too worked up. I don’t want you getting into an accident… c’mon, let’s go to bed.”
“I can’t sleep with you tonight,” she looked up at him. Having fought off the tears, she looked more pissed off now than ever.
“Can’t or don’t want to,” he mumbled, setting her purse back down on the floor.
“Don’t want to,” she spat, tugging her wrists away from his grip. At her response, Jamie looked hurt by her confession.
“I don’t have a guest room made up, so you can stay in my room tonight.” He shook his head and backed away from her, “You make it hard sometimes, but I love you Cassidy.”
Without even turning back to him, Cassidy walked up the stairs and disappeared down the hallway to his bedroom. She slammed the door to make a point, and when she realized she was finally alone, she sucked a deep breath in and collapsed on the bed. By now, she figured Jamie was reorganizing the mess of papers downstairs, and it took everything in her to keep from throwing another tantrum.
The buzzing on Cassidy’s phone was obnoxious, made more so by the fact that it couldn’t have been later than eight in the morning, and after the night she’d had, she was still exhausted.
“That man gives you everything and you have the audacity to give him shit about trying to help me?”
Cassidy groaned and sat up in bed. Yes, her dad was pissed.
“Well I hate to break it to you sweetheart, but I’m your fucking father…” Wow, a lot of people were using that word these days. “…and I don’t need your permission to accept help. And I have cancer, so I think I’m entitled to say whatever the hell I want,”
“Dad, you’re forgetting who has to pay him back once you’re gone. Me; that’s all left up to me,”
“Ah bullshit. He’s not doing it to blackmail you; he’s doing it because he loves you. And because you love me, he’s gonna do whatever he can to help me out. I ain’t a damn fool, Cassidy. I’m having the in-home hospice care, and you can come visit me whenever you get off that high-horse of yours.”
The phone call ended shortly after that, and Cassidy made her way downstairs, still in the clothes from the night before. Entering the kitchen, Jamie was already sitting at the counter, sipping a cup of coffee. In the spot beside him, another cup of steaming hot coffee was waiting to be claimed.
“Is this for Jordie?” Cassidy mumbled. When Jamie shook his head, she sat down beside him and held the cup in her hands. “You won’t use it as blackmail or leverage…”
Jamie shook his head again, “I just want to make the remainder of your dad’s life as comfortable as possible. If he doesn’t get help Cassidy, he’s going to be in pain the entire time.”
“It’s just hard, you know?” She looked up at Jamie, “he raised me practically by himself, and by July I’m essentially going to be an orphan. So tell me how I’m supposed to react to that, Jamie. Tell me how I’m supposed to take the news of your plan to sedate my father into death.” Her eyes were stinging again, but instead of holding the tears back, she let them fall down her cheeks. “Tell me, because I’d really like to know.”
She began to cry harder, and Jamie wrapped his arms around her shoulders, stroking his hand through her hair as he set his cheek against the side of her head.
Cassidy clung to his shoulders, “I don’t want him to die.”
She wiped her eyes on his t-shirt, curling her fingers into the fabric as Jamie began to rub her back slowly, easing her back into a normal rhythm of breathing.
“Cass, you should go back to Nashville. Take Kennedy along. I’ll be there the eleventh for a game, and you can decide what you want to do then.”
She pulled back and slid her fingers beneath her eyes, sitting back in her chair. Jamie’s advice was sound. She should go back to Nashville, if only to see her dad one last time as the man she grew up with. As his condition worsened, he’d slowly become less of that man, and more like a man riddled with a disease there was no cure to.
There was no doubt that change was coming, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. By the holidays, Cassidy knew that her dad would be a drastically different man.
“Don’t you have to get to the morning skate?” Cassidy got out of her daze, glancing at the clock before looking back up at Jamie, who was still sitting beside her, rubbing her back soothingly.
“It’s optional,” he murmured, shaking his head. He was trying to be supportive, and she was truly thankful for that.
Cassidy shook her head and reached up to caress his cheek, smiling up at his unruly hair, “you’re the captain. Go, I’ll find a way to be okay without you for a few hours.”
“You sure,” he questioned. When Cassidy smiled and nodded, he leaned in and kissed her forehead quickly, “I’ll be back soon. Just stay comfortable,”
He was out of the house shortly later, wasting no time in getting to the rink. Meanwhile, Cassidy stayed put in the kitchen, looking out the back door to watch as the wind licked at the pool water, sending it crashing into the stone walls. She was looking for a way to distract herself, and this seemed to be it. Focusing on the water took her mind off of all the real life drama. But subconsciously, she yearned for life to be less complicated; black and white, cut and dry.
A life where her parents weren’t cursed with cancer; a life where, despite all odds, she would grow old and her parents would grow even older, and they’d watch her have a family of her own. Soon, Cassidy’s family would be Jamie and Kennedy, and while she knew Kennedy would always be by her side, Jamie’s spot seemed up for grabs. This was the type of thing that could tear them apart. Because regardless of whether or not Jamie used this as blackmail in the future, Cassidy would always feel indebted to him; like he prolonged her father’s life for as long as he could.
In the end, she’d always worry about his money, and at what cost it came at. Jamie barely knew her father, and yet he was dishing out money for in-home hospice care. There had to be a catch to his generosity; a condition. She hated to think that way about Jamie, her boyfriend for God sake. But no one had ever offered up anything as big as this before, so she couldn’t really determine his motives.
Notes
This chapter is titled after "You Shouldn't Have To" by Brad Paisley.
Thank you to everyone who have given this a read! I hope you all enjoy your summers :)
please update!!!!
5/2/16