"...still feel the sting of the pain, but I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess, and put a smile on my face. I got a little bit stronger..."


Cassidy’s coffee was cold now, as she’d been sitting at the café for a few hours, spilling her guts to Kennedy. However Kennedy’s coffee wasn’t cold. She had time to drink it while Cassidy rambled on about the start of her October.

Like Jamie had suggested, Cassidy took another trip out to Nashville. She’d been here about a week now, spending the majority of everyday with her father, and it astounded her with the way he was living like he hadn’t received any bad news. And every night, she knelt beside her bed in the room she’d grown up in, and prayed to an unknown higher being that her dad would make it through the night; that she wouldn’t wake up the next morning and find him cold and lifeless in his bed.

She assumed this is what parenthood would be like. Cassidy would definitely be the mother that bent down to her sleeping infant, listening for breath sounds to ensure that her tiny human was still alive. That’s what was in store for her in the future.

And everything Jamie had done, that was another thing. There was an in-home nurse that now also inhabited the house, cooking meals and administering medication that was meant to ease the pain that was slowly overtaking Lee’s body. And that nurse came with IV stands, portable x-ray machines, and code blue and lavage kits. Cassidy’s childhood home had turned into a mini hospital.

Keeping the nurse there, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, had to be expensive. With all the technology she brought along… the estimation of how much it all cost was dizzying to her. And although he was dolling out this money with abandon, Jamie hadn’t been by once to make sure he was getting what he was paying for. It was like he had an odd sense of trust that his money would be appropriated correctly.

“How’s Papa Knoxious really been?” Kennedy tilted her head back to get the last sip of her coffee. Her question gave Cassidy a moment to cringe as her now cold drink slipped down her throat.

“Honestly he’s the same as before he told me, and the years before that. I don’t know if it’s because he just doesn’t feel the effects yet, or if his stubborn old mind won’t allow him to feel them. But it’s got to be hard right… to know your life is like a timer, ticking towards the end of something. And to live with the fear of knowing that when that timer hits zero you’re gone, but you could also be gone at any moment before that too? I think that’s the worst part about it. Sure the cancer’s bad, but to exist knowing you’ve only got a finite amount of time left?”

“Don’t we all exist with a finite amount of time left?”

Cassidy stared at Kennedy. After all, she was right; everyone does only live a limited amount of time, but this was different. On one hand, Cassidy knew she would one day die. And given that she had no ongoing medical problems, she’d live another seventy years unless a freak accident happened. On the other hand, there was her father, now only given nine months to live.

“It’s easy to think of death when you believe you have seventy more years to live. You can cope with that. But my dad believed he had thirty more years to cope with that, and within a day, that timeline gets cut to just over half a year.”

Kennedy shrugged as her eyes fixated on a man passing by. Despite wanting to be compassionate to Cassidy’s situation, her lust driven habits were still present. “You’re dad’s a strong guy… I’m surprised he’s not trying to fight it.”

“Pancreatic cancer is detected in late stages because symptoms don’t usually appear until after it’s spread. I think he’s given up,”

“So you just have to stay in Nashville for the next nine months?”

Cassidy groaned and pushed her coffee cup away, “I can’t. Watching him deteriorate over nine months would kill me. The team’s flying here tonight after the season opener so I’ll talk to Jamie and see,” she paused and rubbed her eyes. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

Kennedy reached across the table and clutched onto Cassidy’s hand, “you know I’m here for you; whatever you need, Knoxious.”

“I know, thank you. Honestly Kennedy, I don’t know if I would’ve survived this past year without you. It’s been a hell of a year, hasn’t it?” She looked up and squeezed Kennedy’s fingers gently.

“Let’s just say that when we were celebrating your birthday, I didn’t anticipate the rest of the year turning out like it did.”

Cassidy nodded slightly and looked up. A couple was looking around, trying to find an empty table in the crowded café, and seeing as though she and Kennedy had been there for a few hours, she stood up, “I should check on my dad… see how he’s doing. I’ll probably talk to you later today,”

Kennedy gathered her purse, standing up as well, “yeah call if you need anything. I’ll see you, Knoxious.”

---

That evening, her father was fine. Maybe more fine than she ever expected him to be given the circumstances. He joked and goofed around like he had in the years prior. And it killed Cassidy to know that even in his darkest hour, her father was still being strong for her. He still felt the need to protect her from all the bad things in life, when really he should’ve been devoting that energy to beating the cancer.

By the time they both went to bed, Cassidy was mentally drained. Trying to keep her mind off the cancer when she was with her dad was near impossible. It was like he had a badge across his chest, taunting her with the information. And all she wanted was for Jamie to be there. She hadn’t seen him in over a week, and although they spoke everyday, she didn’t realize just how much she depended on him.

The last she remembered was checking her phone at midnight, sighing at the fact that there wasn’t a text message or voicemail from Jamie. Her eyes felt heavy, and she drifted to sleep if for the only reason that she didn’t want to think about her dad’s illness anymore.

It wasn’t until she was startled awake by an arm snaking over her waist, that she woke up and looked over her shoulder. Jamie was sliding into her bed, sighing quietly as he nestled his head into her hair, and yawning right as his head hit the pillow. Cassidy reached back and set her hand over his leg, grazing her fingers over what felt like his boxer briefs.

“How’d you get in?” Cassidy whispered, turning her head just a tad to glance back at Jamie.

“Your father isn’t the only person who hides a spare key beneath the porch mat,” he murmured quietly, tightening his arm around Cassidy’s waist.

She cuddled back into Jamie’s chest, taking a deep breath in before falling back to sleep. She could’ve stayed in that position forever; tucked into Jamie’s body like a perfect fit.

So when she rolled over the next morning, opened her eyes, and saw her dad standing at the threshold of her room, she felt the air leave her lungs. Jamie was still curled behind her with his arm still clutching her hip. And although they were both perfectly clothed, Cassidy felt the need to pull the blankets up to cover her body. Only when she squeezed Jamie’s hand, did he groan and wake up, smiling slightly as he saw Lee standing in the doorway.

“Mr. Knox, how’re you doing?” Jamie asked, leaning up on one of his forearms while Cassidy lay in front of him, stunned at the start of his conversation.

“Mr. Benn, I’m well, thank you. Now I appreciate everything you’re doing for me, but we still have rules in this house, and I’d like you out of my daughter’s bed within the next ten minutes.”

Jamie immediately sat up, exposing the fact that he was completely clothed, shirt and all, “yes sir.”

Lee excused himself from the doorway, and Jamie looked down at Cassidy who was now laying on her back with her hands pressed over her eyes. Jamie leaned down and kissed her forehead, looking down at his wrist to check the time on his watch.

“I have to be at the morning skate pretty soon,” he murmured, rubbing his eyes quickly and then pushing his hands up through his tousled hair.

“Jame, I think I want to go back to Dallas. It’s too hard being here, and if that makes me a horrible daughter, then I’m a horrible daughter. But I can’t stay here and watch my dad die.”

Jamie stared at her for a moment, not to judge her, but to grasp what she was saying. And when he did, he nodded and set his hand on the back of her head, stroking her hair slowly. “I get it, and I don’t think it makes you a bad daughter. But you’ll be alone in Dallas for awhile. I think it’d be good to stay here at least until this road trip is over.”

Cassidy fell silent as she watched him push off the bed, moving about to get ready for his day. After all, it wouldn’t all be a walk in the park. He’d go to the morning skate, and then retreat to the hotel where the team was staying, get a bite to eat, take a nap, and be back at the rink early to answer press questions and begin his pregame warm-up routine. Boy, life as a professional athlete sure was tough.

Within a few quick minutes, Jamie was gone and Cassidy was sitting in the living room, watching as her father argued with the in home nurse, insisting on making himself breakfast. Lee plopped down in the reclining chair with a plate of toast in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other, sighing out audibly as he set the plate down on the table beside him and took a sip of his drink.

“With all the things she won’t let me do, you’d think I was halfway dead,” he chuckled and bit into his toast. “That was supposed to be a joke,”

“Wasn’t funny,” Cassidy murmured, curling her legs beneath her. She watched her dad eat, staring at the way he moved, “how you feeling pops?” When he didn’t answer right away, she continued, “really.”

He looked down and set his cup beside his plate, “honestly honey, I’m not hurtin’ too much. Not yet at least. How you doin’?”

“Dad,” she groaned, knowing he was playing the tough guy role again. But he didn’t have to, because she knew the reality of his disease.

“You’re gonna drive yourself crazy worrying about me so much. Cass you’re my girl and I don’t want you living that way.” He picked up his coffee cup again and took a bigger sip as it was cooler now than it had previously been, “go back to Dallas; you being a nervous wreck is making me feel worse.” Lee paused to watch Cassidy swipe away a tear from her cheek, “I’ll call if things get worse. I just don’t want your memories of me to consist of anxiety and distress. We’ve had too many good times, you and me.”

Cassidy shook her head and looked up at the ceiling, “and what am I supposed to do when you’re gone?”

They stared at each other for a moment, Cassidy at her father, peering into his eyes as though she were looking into his soul. And he stared back, his wrinkled fingertips gliding over the ceramic coffee mug.

And then quietly, like he was exposing a secret, he answered, “be a grizzly.”

Cassidy looked down at her lap as a slight smile crept across her face. She pursed her lips and nodded once, “if you’re gonna be a bear, be a grizzly.” She looked back at him, “I’m not strong enough for that without you.”

“You’re stronger than you think… you’re even stronger than you want to be. At first everything will be hard. Falling asleep is hard when that’s what you’re supposed to do. But then you’ll sleep without crying, and wake without a burden on your shoulders.” Lee looked at his hands, trying to push past the tears forming in the corners of his eyes, “and you’ve got people to support you… Jamie and Kennedy. I just don’t want my death to be a hindrance to you.”

She took a deep breath in, “I don’t think I can sit here anymore and talk about death. Your death, specifically.” Cassidy stood up and grinned as she gathered her things, “you know, there’s something quite sadistic about conversations of death between father and daughter,”

Lee smiled and picked up the TV remote, angling it at the screen to turn it on, “a real bonding moment.”

Cassidy pushed open the screen door, “we’re still on for the game tonight, right?”

“Wild horses couldn’t drag me away. Plus it’ll give me a chance to see how good that Neal kid is. You know he was supposed to be a hot shot for Pittsburgh, and now here he is with us.”

She rolled her eyes, “you’ll have to ask Jamie about him. I sure he has some opinions about ‘that Neal kid’.”

Notes

This chapter is titled after "A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans.

Thank you everyone for reading!