White Orchids

“Do you want me to come with you?” Freddy asked as he got off of Nicki’s bed.

“You don’t have to do that,” she muttered.

He stared at her long and hard, and she wouldn’t once meet his gaze. Freddy knew her much too well. She wanted him to come more than anything, but wouldn’t dare admit it.

“I’m coming,” he said, leaving a soft kiss on the side of her head.

If Tyler was going to run off like that, the least he could do was go with her to the hospital. He’d already taken the day off, anyways.

“Do you need anything from your house?”

Freddy was looking for any excuse to go over there and check on Tyler. If he had the balls to leave Nicki in the middle of this mess, there was something gravely wrong with him.

Nicki shook her head. “Can you check on Marshall for me though? Who knows where…”

She couldn’t get the rest of her sentence out without tears spilling down her cheeks.

He wrapped his arms around her and promised to be at Mass General before she went into surgery. They scheduled her for two thirty, and it was barely ten in the morning. He had plenty of time to track down the ticking time bomb.

“I’ll see you soon,” he said, before giving Bill a nod and walking out of the room.

Freddy yanked his phone from his pocket and redialed Tyler’s number, hoping that the missed calls had just been a fluke, or bad timing. But four tries later, he had firmly established that it wasn’t the case. He drove much too fast to their house and turned on two wheels into the long driveway, where Tyler’s car was left out in the open. He never left his car out.

After sprinting up the front walk, he came to a halt at the door and knocked ferociously. When he did, the door pushed open. Freddy called Tyler’s name into the seemingly empty house, and nearly tripped over his hockey bag which had been left in the middle of the foyer floor. He glanced down, and came to the conclusion that Tyler was either planning on going somewhere, or had gone to the rink to clear his head. A peer at the crumpled contents that filled it told him it was the latter.

In the distance, he could hear the faint noise of water running, and wondered why he wouldn’t have showered in the locker room. Whatever the case, Freddy strode through the foyer and into the kitchen, taking a seat at the long, granite island. Tyler would have to come down there eventually.

Eventually came much sooner than he anticipated. The bare footsteps that cut short behind him suggested that Tyler realized he had company.

“Man, I need to talk to you. But first put some clothes on,” Freddy instructed, all too familiar with Tyler’s nasty habit of walking around in the nude when he thought nobody was home.

The footsteps retreated and Freddy stayed facing the wall until they had trampled up the stairs. He realized that he had not the slightest clue of what to say to his friend. Surely nothing was going to make him feel any better, and most likely whatever he ended up spewing out would only make things worse. But Nicki was just as important to him as Tyler was, and he had to face what he’d done to her.

“What are you doing here?” Tyler asked once he returned. He only bothered to throw on a pair of shorts, but it was better than the frightening alternative. Freddy had been subjected to that one too many times.

“I told Nicki I would check on Marshall,” he explained.

“I thought I said not to come.”

Freddy leaned back on his stool, surprised by Tyler’s harsh tone. The man who stood in front of him was not the one he’d grown to love like a brother over the past six years. He was the broken, empty remainder of someone who’d once been happy and fulfilled.

“Yeah, well I was worried. The funny thing though? I expected to be more worried about Nicki. How could you just leave her like that Ty?”

Tyler stayed planted to the floor, not even flinching a muscle. He stood that way far longer than was comfortable, and the concern Freddy felt grew much deeper. When it was clear that he wouldn’t be receiving an answer to his question, he decided to just come out with it.

“She’s getting another surgery,” he said flatly, hoping it might spark any kind of alarm behind his vacant eyes. It seemed to have worked, only for a moment.

“For what?”

Freddy felt like throwing his stool at Tyler’s head.

“That’s the only thing you can come up with? Listen man, I’m sorry about what happened. I don’t know how it feels, I don’t even want to think about it. But that’s what a marriage is for, you prick. To be there for each other. I am fucking shocked that you would leave the girl you supposedly love all by herself in the worst time of her fucking life.”

He continued to stare at him, void of all expression and care.

“The fucks the matter with you?!” he continued, feeling the rage deep within his stomach. So much for trying to make him feel better. “You know she needs you. She called you half a dozen times. You want to know why she’s going back into surgery?”

More silence.

“She’s doing it because the doctor gave her a choice. To stay the way she was and risk dying if she got pregnant again, or to have the surgery and risk never being able to have children at all. And she had to make that decision. Alone.”

Freddy watched Tyler’s face closely, for even the tiniest sign of sympathy. Of regret. Or guilt. But there was nothing. Nothing but the face of someone who was too busy feeling sorry for himself to take care of the most important person in his life.

Finally, he hit the brink of his self control and jumped off of the stool. Tyler wasn’t even fazed by his quick action, and in a desperate attempt to get a reaction out of him, Freddy pushed him with all of the strength he had. It knocked him back a few steps, but he didn’t fight back. He just continued to stare in such a way that it made Freddy nauseous. He’d completely lost it.

He gave another shove, herding him down the hallway. The lack of response on Tyler’s part only made him angrier.

“You need to get your life together, now,” he screamed so loudly that the entire neighborhood could probably hear. “The one person on this entire fucking planet that would do anything for you is suffering. Hell, I know you are too. That girl would frigging walk on water for you, Ty. And you fucking know it. How could you just shove it in her face like that? Do I have to remind you of the last time you did that? You thought she would never want to see your face again, and I’ve never seen anybody as depressed as you were that week. So why would you put her through that again? What if she left you man? What would your life be if you didn’t have her? Yeah, you might be some big superstar. If you don’t have someone to share that with, you have nothing.”

For a long stretch of time, Tyler stayed utterly quiet. Once Freddy began to think he’d broken through to him, he did the most unspeakable thing he could think of.

“What’s your point?”

“You. Are. Fucking. Unbelievable,” Freddy said under his breath. “I’m done with you. If you wanted me to be there for you, to comfort you or some shit, too damn bad. That’s what you have her for. And right now, I have to go sit by her side while she cries over the fact that her own husband doesn’t love her enough to hold her hand when she’s afraid.”

Freddy stormed off and slammed the front door behind him without even bothering to wait for a response from Tyler. Not like he expected to get one, anyways. He attempted to use the tedious ride into Boston as a reprieve, hoping he could calm himself down before he had to speak to Nicki. The last thing he wanted was to give her even the slightest idea of what happened at the house. If she knew how cold and impassive Tyler had been, it would be kill her. She didn’t deserve that.

When he entered the lobby, he found Bill waiting for him.

“How is she?”

Bill shook his head and glanced at Freddy with disappointed eyes.

“Not good, Freddy. She was hoping you’d find Tyler. She keeps asking for him, and I have no clue what to tell her.”

“I did find him,” he muttered, still beyond infuriated with him. “It’s like he’s not even the same person.”

“I don’t expect anything else,” Bill said. “You’ve been busy with the wife and kid. You haven’t been around to see what he’s been like the last three months. As soon as that bump showed up, you’d be lucky to get him away from it for five minutes. Try to put yourself in his shoes. What if that had been Declan?”

Freddy let out a long, frustrated sigh. “Had that happened to us, I wouldn’t have left Evy’s side for a second. It wouldn’t have mattered how upset I was. Because comforting her would comfort me. That’s what marriage is.”

“Kid, you can stop your venting. You don’t need to tell me all of this. I was married once, too.”

“How are you not furious with him?!” Freddy asked, beginning to raise his voice. “What he’s doing to Nicki… it makes me sick.”

Bill stepped forward and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Nicki’s a strong girl, Freddy. Stronger than any of us give her credit for. She made it through hell without him before, and she can do it again. One of the only things I’m proud of as a parent was teaching her that she doesn’t need a man to take care of her.”

Nothing Freddy could think of would have made a sufficient response.

“So where is she?”

** * * *

Tyler let his body collapse onto the couch. Somewhere, deep down, he knew that he should be devastated that his best friend had told him off like that. It should have hurt and it should have opened his eyes. But it didn’t.

He picked up the remote and turned on the TV, followed by the Blu Ray player. It had been ages since he’d watched a movie, and he currently had nothing better to do with his life.

Instead of going straight to the menu, a disc began to load and an image popped onto the screen. Instantly he recognized the scene. It was a close up of his face as he waited for Bill to lead Nicki down the aisle. He watched himself, studying the way he looked years younger than he did now. There were no heavy bags under his eyes, no dark, unattended scruff, or sunken cheeks. In the course of a day, he’d become a walking zombie.

The camera stayed on him a moment longer, catching his expression as Nicki made her first appearance of the day. He nearly laughed out loud at himself, and at the pathetic, love struck look on his beaming face. Vaguely he remembered what it felt like that day, as he stood at the altar with Nicki’s warm, soft hands in his, and how he’d managed to fight back every tear except one as she recited her vows.

They’d been so hopeful then. They were joyful and satisfied and absolutely untouchable. It would have taken a tsunami to tear them from each other. For the next two hours, Tyler sat eerily still, eyes glued to the screen as his heart searched for the strength he needed to save his marriage, and himself.

He watched in a daze as they had their first dance, and almost smiled as the camera picked up on Nicki singing to him while they glided across the floor. Looking on as an outsider now, Tyler saw just how flawless they were together. Each of them had their faults; their scars and their burdens. But together, they were perfect.

When it came time to cut the cake, he finally pulled through the darkness that had been surrounding him. The grin Nicki wore as she smeared the absurdly expensive wedding cake across his face was worth more than any amount of money, more than any expanse of possessions. Tyler was the single, solitary person that could make her so happy.

What the fuck had he done?

** * * * *

“Nicki, you’re going to be fine,” her father reassured her, gripping her arm just a little too tight.

She continued to bawl. There was nothing anyone in that room could say to her that would put an end to her sobs, that would ease the unbearable agony that throbbed in her chest. All of the tragedies in her life couldn’t add up to be remotely as devastating as this.

When Freddy came back without Tyler, she was convinced that her marriage was over. That all of the dreams that had come true since she’d met him were now crumbling at her feet. All of the time and effort and trust and care she’d put into their relationship had been for nothing. And she knew, without a doubt, that she would never get over it. There was no getting over the best thing that had ever happened to you.

For every day he had been in her life, it got slowly easier. The longer they stayed together, the more she was sure that she would always have a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on. That she would never go another night without an “I love you” and a kiss, or an “I’ll see you soon”. The mere thought of her life without him forced the breath from her lungs.

She’d built her entire existence around him, and she hated herself for it. It had been the one promise she made when she was a little girl. She would never let herself rely on another person, for anything. No matter what the cost to her. And falling for Tyler had broken that promise.

But he’d made a promise, too. The day she took his name, he promised to stay by her side. To keep her safe from everything that could harm her and to care for her when she was unwell. With words and without, he vowed to be with her for the rest of their lives.

And there was just no way that hers could go on without him.

“It hurts,” she wailed, clenching her jaw and grabbing her chest from the physical agony she felt in his absence.

“What hurts?” Freddy asked as he gently rubbed her back. “Your stomach? Bill, get the doctor.”

She let out a loud, pained groan. “Everything.”

Her father sat back in his chair once he realized that she didn’t need medical help. She was sure her swollen face and bloodshot eyes must have been an alarming sight, and understood why both her father and Freddy were turning different shades of green. Nicki hadn’t stopped crying the entire time she had been awake. Even when she seemed calm, the tears still flowed in a steady stream down her cheeks.

“Is everything okay in here?”

Nicki glanced up at her doctor through hazy eyes. What the hell would make him think anything was okay?

“She’s just upset,” her father said. Although it was meant to be sympathetic, Nicki understood the underlying meaning in his words.

As a nurse entered behind the doctor and flicked her finger against a needle, her suspicions were confirmed.

This time, she didn’t fight the stab of the needle or the heat of the drugs as they coursed through her blood. She welcomed the numbness it provided, and slipped back into unconsciousness. If she could, she would have stayed there forever.

** * * *

“Come on!” Tyler screamed out his open window at the cars in front of him.

The best part about no longer living in Boston was not having to deal with the painstaking traffic and the idiotic drivers. He glanced down at the clock, it was almost three. He hadn’t the slightest clue as to when the surgery would begin, and was determined to get there before they took her away.

Even though he couldn’t completely get over the strange, unwelcomed new feelings he had towards her, he had finally acknowledged that he was single handedly tearing apart their relationship. Nicki hadn’t done anything wrong. It was so easy to blame her. After all, it was her body that couldn’t keep his son alive. But to pin this disaster on her was the worst thing he had ever done in his life, and it would haunt him forever. He knew that he would be spending the remainder of his time on earth trying to make up for it, long after she eventually forgave him. If she could forgive him.

Finally, after an excruciating hour and a half, he made it to the parking garage across the street from the hospital. He had to park nearly all the way up, on the floor just below the roof. Naturally, the elevator would have been his best option, but the line waiting for it was ludicrous. He peered around for a stairwell and found it in the opposite corner of the elevator. He pushed past the people crowded around it and was about to reach for the door when he felt a hand grab him.

“Oh my God! Tyler! Tyler! Wait!”

Tyler shook off the girl attempting to cling to his arm and used his long legs to carry him quickly away from her and down the stairs, taking them two or three at a time. Sometimes he seriously wondered if people realized that he was an actual human being, and was sure that at least half of the individuals who just witnessed what he did would be ranting about it on the internet later that afternoon. They were so quick to rip him apart, but never bothered to ask why he did the things he did. Had they known what was at stake, he hoped that at least a few of them would understand. But there was no time for explanations or for defending himself.

When he reached the last step, he used it to push himself forward into a sprint out of the building and across the street, through the perilous traffic. Luckily he made it across without being run over, although he had pissed off half of the people sitting at the red light. Beeps rang through the air and pierced his ears, initiating a painful throbbing deep within his head, reminding him that he was running on zero hours of sleep.

He approached the main desk in the lobby and did his best to remain calm. If he was frazzled, there was the chance they wouldn’t let him see her. Who knew what kind of issues you would run into when dealing with hospital receptionists.

The woman at the desk looked up from her computer and stared at him.

“Can I help you?”

“My wife’s here. I need to know what room.”

There was no time for bullshitting.

“And what’s her name?”

“Nicki Seguin.”

As he said her name, he was hit with a wrecking ball of emotions. She hadn’t even had his name for a year, and they were already on the brink of destruction. He hated himself for allowing that to happen, for pushing her away when he should have been doing everything in his power to keep her close.

“She’s in room 3016, sweetie. Do you need help finding it?”

Tyler let out a sigh of relief and shook his head. Finally, he’d found a nice, helpful person when he needed one. He took off down the hallway and opted for the stairs once again, having faith in his fretful legs to carry him faster than any elevator could.

He saw the sign for the third floor and burst through the doors, only to be faced with a nearly empty waiting area.

“I don’t believe this.”

Freddy strode across the room and got right in his face, without hesitation.

“Dude, I’m sor – “

“Save it. You’re a little too late, Ty. They brought her in an hour ago.”

Tyler closed his eyes and gripped the bridge of his nose with his fingertips. He was too late. All of that effort, and he wasn’t even able to see her.

“So I’ll be there when she wakes up,” he said, trying to make himself seem like less of a failure. It wasn’t working, and Freddy wasn’t buying it.

“When she wakes up. Right,” Freddy scoffed, shaking his head in disappointment. “How about if she wakes up?”

“What… what are you talking about?”

“You don’t know what goes on in there. We have no control over what happens to her on that table. Heaven forbid, if something went wrong, she would go out thinking you didn’t love her. Thinking that you blamed her for all of this. You know what she told me, right before they took her?”

He stared at his friend, desperate to make him stop. Tyler didn’t want to hear what he was about to say, and he knew that it would snap the final string that was holding him together.

Freddy lowered his voice to a whisper, indicating Bill wasn’t aware of the conversation he claimed they had.

“She said she didn’t deserve to live. That she hoped she wouldn’t wake up.”

“She would never say that,” he murmured, in absolute denial.

“Then obviously you don’t know her as well as you thought you did. You broke her fucking heart, man. She literally cried herself dry. She kept heaving, and nothing was coming out. It was the worst thing I’ve ever had to watch. And the thing that pisses me off the most is knowing that as soon as she sees your face, she’ll forgive you.”

“Freddy,” Bill said slowly, his voice full of warning.

“I just want you to know, the only reason I can even stand to be in the same room as you right now is because I’m here for her.”

Tyler’s stomach lurched at the pure hatred that was radiating from him. In the course of a single day, his life had entirely fallen apart. And he had no idea how to put it back together.

“Why don’t you take a walk, Freddy. I want to talk to Tyler.”

He turned slowly to look at Bill, and could only imagine the things that were about to come from his mouth. If Freddy felt so strongly against him, he was doomed when it came to Bill. Tyler wouldn’t blame him, either. If someone treated his child as badly as he’d treated Nicki, he would probably never forgive them.

If he had a child.

“Come here, kid,” Bill instructed, patting the open seat next to him. He complied and fell into the padded chair, waiting in silence to be lambasted by all of the horrible things he was surely about to say. “Freddy just needs to cool off. He’s too protective of her.”

Tyler cast a suspicious eye at his father-in-law. “How do you not hate me?”

The smallest hint of a smile crept onto Bill’s face, and his calloused hand landed hard on his knee.

“Tyler, I love you like a son. You’re the closest thing I have to it. Sometimes, your children mess up. And no matter what, you have to stand by them. Just because you treated my daughter like shit doesn’t mean you aren’t the best damn thing that’s ever happened to her. And Freddy’s right, you know. The instant she sees you, she’s going to forget about all of the heartache and the angst and the guilt. She knows what the two of you have is too good to give up on. And I know you know it, too. I haven’t lost faith in you yet.”

“I can’t believe I did that to her,” he whispered, trying to hold off the salty tears that threatened to showcase the weakness he felt. “I can’t live without her.”

Bill’s hand gave his knee a reassuring squeeze. “I know, son. I know. That’s why I’m so sure that you’re going to be okay. I’ve watched you the past five years, a lot more closely than you’re probably comfortable with. It’s my job to make sure she ends up with the right man. One who can take care of her when I’m not around anymore, who makes sure she never goes hungry, or wanting, and who gives her the love that she deserves. You do that, Tyler, and so much more. So I do forgive you. But it’s gonna be a lot harder to make Freddy come around.”

“Yeah, I know. Thanks Bill.”

“Anytime.”

** * * * *

“It’s been five hours,” Tyler repeated to the nurse stationed at the desk in the waiting area. “It was only supposed to take two. What the hell is going on?”

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to lower your voice,” she said softly, as if she didn’t have a care in the world.

“I need to know what’s going on,” he demanded, not doing anything about his tone. “Is she okay?!”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know how to answer that question. If she wasn’t, the doctors would have come out and spoken with you. You’re just going to have to be patient.”

Tyler stayed a moment longer, trying to think of anything else he could ask that could give him any kind of information. When he came up dry, he retreated back to his seat next to Bill and across from Freddy, who still could barely look at him. It seemed that his worry over Nicki’s wellbeing convinced him slightly that Tyler wasn’t the biggest prick in the entire world, but it was just the beginning of a long road of fixing his relationship with someone who he couldn’t stand the thought of not having in his life.

“Try not to get too worked up, Tyler. You’ve been through a lot the last two days.”

Bill was constantly comforting him. Tyler truly didn’t deserve to be treated half as well as he was, and now felt forever indebted to him. Diane had showed up just over an hour ago, and was silently worrying on the other side of Bill.

“I can’t lose her,” he whispered, tears getting caught up in his eyes.

“Hey, she’s going to be fine. You’re getting a little paranoid, don’t you think?”

So maybe he was. But what Freddy said to him when he arrived had yet to leave his mind. If Nicki really said that, if she really hoped that she wouldn’t even wake up, he’d done something worse than he ever could have imagined. It was his job, the purpose of his entire life, to make her happy and to make her feel loved. Stabbing pains shot through his chest as he thought of how lonely and afraid she must have been before they put her under.

The fact that he’d lost his child now seemed completely irrelevant. He was gone for good, and was never coming back. Tyler had to protect the only thing he had left. And so far, he had only made things worse.

“Are you okay?” Diane asked, sitting down next to Tyler now. “You’re as white as a ghost.”

“I feel sick,” he murmured, before jumping out of his chair and running to the bathroom across the lobby.

He doubled over on the floor as nausea hit him and caused beads of sweat to form and fall from his face. His chest felt as if it was going to implode; his lungs couldn’t find the oxygen they needed, and his heart couldn’t pump fast enough. As the room started to spin, he let his head fall to the dirty, cold tiles, hoping it would keep him from vomiting.

Minutes later, the sickness had subsided, but the aching remained.

“What’s wrong? Jesus kid, you’re really starting to scare me,” Bill said, crouching down next to him.

Tyler held his face in his clammy hands. “How could I do that to her?”

“You have to get over this. If you don’t forgive yourself, it’s going to haunt you for life.”

“I don’t deserve anyone’s forgiveness,” he muttered.

Bill sighed and grabbed Tyler’s arms to help him up.

“If you keep saying that, you’re just going to keep believing it. And eventually, other people will start to believe it too.”

Tyler stumbled to the sinks and let the water run over his hands before splashing his face. He rubbed his fingers across his eyes, trying to soothe the tiredness from them. Exhaustion was not helping his situation whatsoever.

“Come on,” Bill said. “Let’s get back out there. Diane’s worried about you enough as it is.”

He knew that he didn’t deserve anyone’s worry, and it tore away at him to see these incredible, selfless people caring for him, even after he had done something so horrible and inexcusable. It didn’t matter that they were willing to forgive him. Because he would never be able to forgive himself.

** * * *

The bright, fluorescent lights above her were the first thing Nicki saw when she opened her eyes, and they stunned and blinded her. It was as if they were piercing straight through her skull into her sensitive brain. She let out a soft cry, acknowledging that a part of her was in some kind of pain. Suddenly, a hand was holding her own. A hand she was certain wouldn’t have been there when she woke up.

“Tyler?”

Slowly, her vision focused and centered on the face above her. Her dry eyes instantly began to fill with tears and her lower lip trembled uncontrollably.

“Hey,” he said softly.

That one word was enough to pull her from the depression she had sunk so deeply into over the past day.

“Hi,” she replied, as the tears cascaded down her face.

His arms wrapped around her shoulders and his cheek pressed against her face, filling her with warmth and comfort. If only he understood how much the simplest gestures meant to her, how his arms around her could lift her from the darkest of trenches.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered shakily. “I love you so much.”

Nicki began to laugh as she sobbed. Never had she been so happy to hear so few words. She raised one hand to place on the back of his head, but was stopped short halfway there by a searing pain in her abdomen. And then she remembered why she was there.

“It’s my fault,” she murmured, more to herself than to Tyler. She leaned back and looked him straight in the eyes. “How can you still love me? How can you even look at me?”

She was answered with a forceful pair of lips against her forehead.

“It’s not your fault,” he said, with his lips still attached to her skin. “I’m so sorry I let you think that it was. It wasn’t, Nicki. You never did anything wrong. I’m the one who fucked up.”

“Why did you leave me?” she asked, with fresh tears flowing from the agonizing memories.

“I couldn’t…” he started. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, the warm air from his mouth felt like heaven against her face. “I couldn’t handle him being gone. I was so angry that I couldn’t do anything to protect him. I was so upset over that, I didn’t realize that I still had something else to protect. If you hate me, I understand. I hate myself.”

“Don’t say that. I don’t hate you.”

Nicki finally got her hand high enough to touch him, but the best she could get was running her fingertips down his side. She felt him shudder and realized that he’d been as desperate for her touch as she’d been for his.

“You should be so mad at me,” he said, hanging his head low in shame.

“Life’s too short to be mad at the people you love, Ty. But you really hurt me. Finding out that you left was worse than losing the baby.”

She didn’t want to make him feel guiltier than he already did, but he needed to know how badly he’d hurt her. That much, she felt the need to say. Just because she forgave him the instant she felt his hand in hers didn’t mean that she was going to let him think he hadn’t done anything wrong.

When his eyes became bloodshot and teary, Nicki started to regret what she’d said. She had taken the knife that remorse had shoved between his ribs and she’d turned it and twisted it and driven it deeper. As horrible as he made her feel, she couldn’t sit back and watch herself do the same to him.

“I won’t ever stop loving you,” she promised, leaning forward so that her forehead rested against his. “At this point, my life would mean nothing without you.”

Nicki knew that finally admitting that might be the only thing that would ever get Tyler to forgive himself. Since the moment he asked her to marry him, it had been clear as day that she could never go back to the way her life was before. He had filled a void so large, she thought it impossible to heal. If he left her, if they were taken away from each other, that void would return. And it would swallow her whole.

Two heavy breaths later, Tyler tilted his head and forced his parted lips between hers. His hands cupped her face, somehow both gentle and aggressive in the same motion. Nicki could feel the regret in his kiss, she could feel the pain from losing their child, and the misery of having your greatest hopes and dreams ripped from you. She was more than familiar with the sensation, but Tyler had never been so cursed. A part of the reason she was able to forgive him so easily was that she sympathized with him. The first time she lost someone she cared for, she thought she was never going to recover. Something about that first loss is more devastating than all of the others.

Tyler was the one to pull away, and Nicki watched as he quickly threw a hand up to his face to wipe away the moisture that had transferred between their faces.

“I have to get the doctor,” he said, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “But before I do, I just want you to know. I love you no matter what. And whatever he tells us, we’ll get through it. Together.”

Nicki nodded and pursed her lips slightly, silently asking for one last kiss. She savored every short second of it, knowing that their lives may very well be changed forever by what was about to come. Tyler rose from her bed, and she noticed how unnaturally he was moving. It looked like he needed to sleep for days. He left her room but returned a moment later with her doctor, her father, Diane, and Freddy. The tension between Tyler and Freddy was thick and potent. She would have some serious patchwork to do once she got out.

“How are you feeling?” the doctor asked, looking over a chart on his clipboard.

Of course he would ask her a million trivial questions, when her entire future was at stake and about to be revealed to her.

“Nervous,” she responded, acknowledging that wasn’t the kind of answer he was looking for. Hopefully he would take the hint.

He nodded his head cautiously and continued to stare down at his clipboard.

“I won’t delay this any longer then.” Tyler took a seat by her side and wrapped an arm around her, holding her hand with his free one. “The surgery didn’t go as smoothly as we expected it to…”

Nicki listened half attentively as her doctor explained every twist and turn of her extended surgery. Tyler hadn’t mentioned that she was in there more than double the amount of time she was supposed to be. She felt her body slowly creep into shock, preparing herself for the inevitable conclusion to this long, detailed speech.

“Unfortunately, the worst case scenario has occurred. In order to get the last piece of scar tissue out, the surgeons had to use extensive measures, resulting in irreparable damage to your uterus. It’s unlikely you’ll be able to conceive. If you do, the fetus will be rejected early into the pregnancy. I’m truly sorry.”

Tyler’s hand clenched her arm, indicating that he was fighting back all of the emotions she had already suppressed. The stillness in the crowded room around them frightened her. Everyone was holding their breath to see how they would react, to see what they would do.

After two draining, miserable, cruel days, Nicki could do nothing. Her final hope had been ruthlessly crushed.

** * * *

When Tyler got home, he finally broke down. Everything had fallen to pieces so quickly, he could barely remember what happened.

Marshall trotted lazily to him and rubbed his head against Tyler’s leg before sitting at his feet, looking up at him with round, caring eyes. There was no doubt in his mind that Marshall knew when something was wrong with either him or Nicki, and he wouldn’t leave their sides until they were okay. Tyler knelt on the floor in front of him and held his silky head in his hands. It killed him to know that Marshall would be the closest thing they ever had to a child.

They were so ready. They were so sure. And he couldn’t decide if he felt worse for himself, or for Nicki. He may have wanted it more than she did, but she was meant to be a mother. So she had a knack for interior design, and could cook the shit out of anything you put in front of her. Maybe she gave better massages than professionals and could sing like a Grammy winner. Tyler was convinced that she was put on this earth to raise a family. To raise his family.

And he was also convinced that she knew it. Nicki knew with all of her heart and soul that she would be the best mother a child could ask for. This horrible, ill-fated turn of events wasn’t just depriving her, it was depriving the children that could have been blessed enough to have her as their mother.

Thinking about it was sending him into the darkest corner of his mind, but he couldn’t stop. There was no off switch on the pain, no brakes on the downward spiral that had become his life. The only thing he had to push him forward was Nicki, and her unrelenting love. And even she admitted that he messed up.

Tyler couldn’t bear the thought of hurting her. The way she looked when she told him said more than her words. He could see the ache behind her eyes as she drew back on the memories of being left alone during the hardest time of her entire life, by the person who was supposed to be by her side no matter what the condition.

He didn’t deserve her. He’d known it from the moment he met her, from the minute she denied him at that bar. She was so blind to everything she was, and only saw the bad in herself. Even the bad in her was better than the best in him. But, for some reason, she stayed with him. And she loved him more than anyone else could. He promised himself that he would never take that for granted. Which was exactly what he did.

After spending much too long feeling sorry for himself, he got off of the floor and tried to stand. It took him a couple of tries, and he realized that he should probably try to get some sleep while he could.

He looked down at Marshall who was still by his feet and asked, “Do you need to go out boy?”

His only answer was stillness. Apparently he was fine. Tyler walked through the foyer and into the living room, where he sprawled out on the unsoiled end of the couch. One look at the dark, dried blood where they had laid just two nights before made him sick, and he bolted out of the room and up the stairs. They had been so blissful, so happy in every way. How could everything change so drastically, and so quickly?

Instead of going to his bedroom like he should have, Tyler ventured into the half finished nursery next to it. Two of the four walls were painted pastel yellow and a crib stood in the center of the floor, covered by a long plastic sheet. He remembered the day they painted; Tyler had done most of the work, and Nicki bitched at him the entire time for not letting her help. Despite her ferocity, they’d had so much fun together. He could perfectly picture her smile while she laughed at the stupid things he did, for no better reason than to see her face light up. She had developed a habit of caressing her stomach while she laughed, like the baby was in on every joke, like he shared every joyful moment with them.

The ache in Tyler’s chest returned suddenly and unannounced. He was crippled by loss. Never had he thought it possible to love something he didn’t know so much; so unconditionally and uncontrollably. All of the things he’d said to his son, all of the movements he’d felt against his hands in answer to his statements, were all for nothing. The only thing they did now was draw the breath from his lungs as he remembered the happiness, and as he mourned over the fact that he would never be able to have more than a one sided conversation with his baby.

Earlier that day, Tyler believed that nothing could compare to the pain he felt over losing his child. Little did he knew, he would be proved wrong not much later. It was inconceivable for him to think that there wasn’t a single chance at redemption. There would never be another baby. He could never say “Well let’s just try again”. If there was any way that he was going to get over his loss, it would have been to look forward to the future. To hold out hope for himself and for Nicki. No sooner had he found that hope than it had been torn away from him.

Tyler was well aware that he needed sleep. But he wasn’t going to be getting any alone, in their suddenly huge, empty house, filled with a blood stained couch and brutal memories. He took slow, controlled steps down the hallway and the stairs, and into the living room where he’d left his keys. The only comfort he could think of rested in Nicki’s gentle hold and warm, loving stare.

In order to make it back to the hospital alive, he had to blast the loudest music he had through the speakers and pinch himself every few seconds to stay awake. Reminding himself that he was growing closer and closer to the person he needed helped as well, but thinking of her brought back all of the things he was trying to forget.

Once he was back in the hospital, faced with the harsh lighting and sterile smell, he felt a bit more awake. Before, hospitals had never really bothered Tyler. Over the past five years, he’d slowly grown to dislike them. Now, just being inside of one made him anxious. What other bad news could possibly come his way while he was here? There had to be something. That was the way life worked.

His question was answered as soon as he entered Nicki’s room. Panic set in as he was faced with an empty bed, with sheets still crumpled from her lying in them. The first thing he did was place a hand in the center of it. No warmth remained from her body. It had been at least an hour since she was there last.

Tyler sprinted out of her room and towards the nurses’ station, where he ran straight into a large body. It took him a moment to recognize him as the same doctor who had broken the unbearable news to him only hours ago.

“Where’s my wife?” he asked frantically.

The doctor stared at him sympathetically, but didn’t offer any kind of response.

“What?”

“She left, son.”