“Oh, shit!” Tyler shouted, nearly falling off of the bed.

Nicki’s eyes shot open and she propped herself up to look at him.

“What the hell, Ty?”

“Are you okay?”

She checked herself over, just to be sure that she wasn’t missing something. When it was obvious that nothing was wrong, she raised an eyebrow. Not like he could see it through the darkness that still filled the room, but she was confused all the same.

“Why wouldn’t I be? Are you okay?”

A warm hand brushed delicately across her face, calming her from the moment of panic she’d had in the wake of Tyler’s shout.

“I thought I hurt you,” he murmured, stroking his thumb against her cheek.

Nicki covered his hand with hers, partaking in whatever middle of the night affections were taking place.

“No, I’m fine,” she said, relishing in how gently he was treating her. “A little confused, though. What happened?”

“I frigging fell asleep on top of you,” he explained regretfully, “How are you even still breathing?”

She found herself in a fit of hysterics and moved across the bed to curl up against him.

“You aren’t as heavy as you think, babe. It was nice. I liked it.”

“I feel so bad,” he said, wrapping an arm around her.

Nicki laughed again and shook her head. “Did you not hear me say that I liked it? I was fine, Ty. It was actually really comfortable.”

“And weird. Who falls asleep on top of their wife?”

“Probably more people than you think,” she countered, rolling her eyes at his stubbornness.

To prove her point, she snuck out from underneath his arm and crawled on top of him, sliding her arms underneath his neck. She could have sworn she heard a soft moan by her ear, and within seconds Tyler had his arms wrapped snugly around her.

“See? How great is this?” she asked, surrounding herself with his warm skin and musky scent.

“It wouldn’t be so great if you weighed two hundred pounds.”

“Why don’t you just go back to sleep?”

Tyler let out a soft chuckle and tightened his arms around her. “I can do that.”

“Good,” she responded, pressing her lips to the center of his chest.

Little did he know, Nicki had no intentions of going back to sleep. The only thing she planned on doing was lying right where she was, appreciating him for all he was worth. She turned her head so that her ear was pressed against the spot where his heartbeat was strongest. It had always been a sound that disturbed her, and one that she didn’t enjoy hearing. Even when she rested her head on Mark, she would cringe away from the thud of his heart. But there was something about Tyler’s that was incredibly soothing to her. It was always steady, and often helped her fall asleep at night.

She skimmed her fingers along his skin in the hopes that she would help him sleep, and noticed that he was covered in goose bumps.

“Ty?” she whispered, trying to figure out whether or not he was still awake.

Her only answer was shallow breathing, allowing her to draw the conclusion that it would take a bit of craftiness to get the blankets over him. They’d been ruffled during the action that had occurred earlier, but they’d both passed out before making it underneath the sheets.

Nicki tried to wriggle out of his arms, afraid to wake him up. She reached for the pillow that she’d used earlier, catching the end of the pillowcase with the tips of her fingers. After nearly straining her shoulder, she brought it close to her and prepared to move swiftly. Miraculously, she slipped out of Tyler’s hold and got the pillow in her place without disturbing him.

Of course, she had to stop and giggle at the sight of big, strong Tyler snuggling with a fluffy white pillow. If only he knew the things she saw while he was sleeping; he would hate himself for it. His habits while he slept were the cause of many a sleepless nights for Nicki, and they were all well worth it. Every noise, every switch of position made her want to curl up and die. He was insufferably cute, and ironically, that was the last thing he ever wanted to be.

Next, she was faced with the challenge of getting the covers out from underneath him. After a few failed attempts, she began to stop caring whether or not she woke him up. Nicki grabbed a fistful of comforter in each hand and yanked as hard as she could towards the foot of the bed. She nearly yelled out, she was so filled with pride. Not only had she succeeded, she’d done it without stirring Tyler. Granted, he was probably so deep under not even a Mack truck would wake him, but she would take the win.

She climbed back onto the bed and squeezed herself between his slightly open legs before crawling up his lengthy body, pulling the sheets up behind her. The only thing left to do was retake her place underneath his arms, and she snuck in with ease. Nicki had genuinely surprised herself. She almost didn’t believe that she had done all of that without breaking something.

A long, satisfied sigh escaped her lips as she made herself comfortable on him. One of the many things that discontented her about pregnancy was not being able to sprawl out wherever she wanted to. Constantly being mindful of her stomach was a painful task, especially with her knack for being clumsy.

Just as Nicki became lost in her thoughts, Tyler began to mumble. She couldn’t make out most of it, but lifted her ear to his mouth in an attempt to figure out what he was saying. Only on one or two other occasions had she heard him talk in his sleep, and it proved to be in no way a good sign. The first time had been back at their apartment, and he’d had his first nightmare since childhood. It was that night Nicki was made aware of how horrible it was to watch the person you love frightened in their sleep, and shuddered at the thought of all the times Tyler had to do just that. After her last nightmare, he was sure to never be the same.

She heard him mutter her name and thought that he’d woken up.

“You okay, love?”

He said her name again, clearer this time. Not surprisingly, it was followed by something unintelligible. Nicki assumed that she should just ignore it, but quickly chose not to. Tyler started to tremble and his breathing turned unnatural. There was no doubt in her mind that he was having a nightmare, and she pushed herself up, straddling his torso.

She placed her hands gently on his face, very familiar with the different ways he reacted to being woken up.

“Ty. Tyler, sweetie, wake up,” she said quietly.

Tyler was still out cold, so Nicki ran her fingers through his hair, slowly gaining intensity in her actions. She hated waking him up, but it wasn’t worth watching him fret in his sleep. His voice grew louder, even though his words still weren’t coherent.

“Baby, come on,” she pleaded, “Just wake up.”

Right as she began to reposition herself, he shot up, knocking her off of him and onto the other side of the bed. He was gasping for air; she hadn’t noticed that he stopped breathing. In a matter of seconds she maneuvered herself around Tyler and had him in her arms.

“Were you dreaming?” she asked, wiping the sweat from his forehead.

He nodded, and Nicki felt as though she had been punched in the gut. He was so vulnerable and shaken; it was breaking her heart.

“What was it about?”

“Nothing.”

“Tell me about it,” she said, trying to coax it out of him. “You’re the one who convinced me that it helps.”

“I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” he snapped, leaving her nothing short of hurt.

His harsh comment instantaneously drew tears from her eyes, and she tried her hardest to hide it. Despite the way he reacted, Nicki continued to hold him. She guessed, she hoped, that he was just upset by whatever he dreamt about, and had accidentally taken it out on her. She wanted to tell him that it was okay, that it was only a dream and that he should try to go back to sleep, but she couldn’t speak without giving herself away.

So, Nicki did the only thing she could. She pushed herself back against the headboard and tugged underneath Tyler’s arms, trying to signal for him to move with her. At first he remained motionless, and she started to panic, thinking that he was mad at her. He eased her worries when he finally scooted up and rested his head on her chest. The tears eventually stopped flowing as she got over his outburst, and she did her best to support his body.

Tyler seemed so small, curled up between her legs. Nicki hated seeing him upset over anything at all, never mind something that she had no control over. If he wasn’t going to talk about it, there was no way that she could help, and that hurt her more than anything.

He wriggled around on top of her and buried his face between her breasts, which she had realized on the night before their wedding was the equivalent of her nestling into the crook of his neck. It was the ultimate comfort. Nothing on the planet could make her feel better, or safer, than the soft skin of his neck against her face, or the way his chin rested perfectly on top of her head. Knowing that she could provide the same console to him made her feel unbelievably special. She was the only one who could offer what he wanted; what he needed.

His arm snuck underneath Nicki’s back and he pressed himself even closer to her, leaving her with no choice but to hopelessly swoon. She placed her hand on the side of his head and used her fingertips to gently tousle his hair. Tyler stopped moving around, and she assumed he had managed to fall back to sleep. Nicki continued to sift through his hair anyways, hoping that the soothing action might keep the nightmares at bay.

“Will you sing?” he asked quietly.

She noted that his voice sounded much too raspy, and prayed that he hadn’t been crying. Through all of the time they’d been together, she had seen him cry only a handful of times, almost always due to frustration and anger rather than sadness. But in the last month, he seemed to have become much more comfortable with it, and it made Nicki feel more than uncomfortable. She never quite knew how to react, and often found herself crying with him, unable to stand the sight of him upset.

“I was wondering when you would finally ask me that,” she joked softly, now rubbing a thumb across his cheek.

“Please,” he whispered.

Nicki ran through in her head all of the songs that she knew, and could come up with few that would be suitable as a lullaby for a grown man. She didn’t want to make him feel weak, and she certainly didn’t want to make him feel worse. A smile spread across her face as she settled on the most obvious choice.

She wrapped her free arm around him, making sure that her other hand was still available to play with his soft, fluffy hair. After placing a loving kiss on the top of his head, she rested her chin there, perfectly comfortable with him snugly in her hold.

Singing in almost a whisper, Nicki let herself travel back to one of the best moments of her entire life, and wished that he would be able to do the same.

“What day is it, and in what month, this clock never seemed so alive.

I can’t keep up, and I can’t back down I’ve been losing so much time.

Cause there’s you and me, and all of the people, with nothing to do, nothing to lose

And it’s you and me, and all of the people and I don’t know why, I can’t keep my eyes off of you.

What are the things that I want to say just aren’t coming out right.

I’m tripping on words, you’ve got my head spinning, I don’t know where to go from here.”

Nicki kept singing long after soft snores made themselves present in the otherwise silent room. The stillness around them was so intense that she could hear the waves crashing against the shore hundreds of yards away.

“Sweet dreams, Ty,” she said under her breath, afraid that anything louder would wake him.

Every time she said that to him, she was taken back to the very first night they spent together. She remembered perfectly all of the nerves she’d endured, all of the hopes she’d had for them, and especially all of her fears. There were so many uncertainties back then, Nicki wasn’t even sure how she kept her head on straight.

That was the moment when she realized that she had no less doubt now than she’d had then. She had absolutely no idea how their lives would pan out. Would they adopt? Would they go through the painstaking process of trying to find a surrogate? Would everything fall through, and would they end up utterly childless? Nicki would have loved to know an answer to any one of those questions, but knew better than to be so naive.

Instead of torturing herself with the unknown, she opted to treasure the most precious thing she’d ever been so fortunate to call her own; the beautiful, gentle man sleeping peacefully in her arms. When they had first gotten together, Nicki would stay up night after night, relishing every sweet moment in case it came to an abrupt, unexpected end. In the first few months of their relationship, she didn’t dare think that, someday, they would be family.

One by one, she concentrated on every feature of his flawless existence. His smooth, milky skin. The way each of his muscles was so perfectly shaped. Even the rash that his scratchy, badly grown in beard left on her sensitive skin was a sensation she hoped that she would never forget. Every breath he took was a blessing. Of course he had his flaws. But it was his flaws that she loved most about him, simply because they made him who he was; they made him human.

** * * * *

It was Tyler’s own moaning that startled him awake. He’d just had one of the sexiest dreams of his entire life, and one glance down his body offered an explanation to everything that had just been playing in his unconscious brain. Nicki looked up at him, never ceasing the job she was so eagerly performing.

When his eyes connected with hers, a pathetic whine pushed its way through his lips. She was the only girl he’d ever been with that could extract such noises from him, and she knew it.

Nicki removed her lips from him just long enough to purr, “Morning babe.”

Her low, raspy voice sent a shudder through his body. After the way he’d treated her the night before, this was the absolute last thing he deserved. But he wasn’t going to argue, either.

“Not that I’m complaining, but what exactly are you doing?”

Tyler watched as she slowly dragged her tongue up his entire length, and for a moment wasn’t sure if he remembered how to breathe. He felt his jaw dropping, but couldn’t do a damn thing about it. The smug grin she wore was almost unbearable; he would have loved nothing more than to wipe it clean off of her face. And he would have, if he hadn’t been frozen in place by the wonder of where her mouth might venture next.

After leaving excruciatingly soft kisses on every inch of him, she finally answered his question.

“I’m just showing you how much I appreciate you,” she said, her voice still temptingly deep.

He nearly found himself laughing. “This is what you thought the therapist had in mind?”

“It’s working, isn’t it?” she challenged, wrapping her mouth around him before he got the chance to even consider a rebuff.

Tyler exhaled a long, controlled breath in his best attempt at keeping cool. It only made things worse when she knew that she was driving him to the very brink of his sanity. His hand made its way to the back of her head, pushing her ever so slightly. With his other hand, he grabbed a fistful of sheets and hoped she wouldn’t notice. Obviously, she had. He felt the back of her throat and squirmed around the bed, begging for her to stop.

“I can’t take it,” he choked out, throwing his head back onto the pillows.

He should have known better than to say anything. Normally when he did, she drew it out as long as she could, causing him literal, physical pain.

In a matter of seconds, however, she finished him off and sprang up from the bed, wiping her mouth casually with the back of her hand. If only she knew how badly it made him want to attack her.

“Got you breakfast,” she said, no longer trying to tease him in any way. Strangely, he wasn’t relieved. He wanted more.

Tyler tried to push the thoughts to the back of his head and asked, “What time is it? And how long have you been up?”

Nicki shrugged before picking up a white paper bag in one hand and a coffee in the other. She came back across the room and sat on the bed as she handed them both to him. Afterwards, she peeked at the clock to her right.

“It’s just past seven.”

He set the food and drink on the bedside table and pulled Nicki into his lap. It was the first good look he’d gotten at her, and she looked absolutely exhausted. Tyler tried to tell himself it wasn’t his fault that she didn’t sleep, but a part of him knew that he was to blame.

“Thank you, for that,” he said, brushing a piece of hair from her face. “And breakfast.”

“Just doing what I’m told,” she responded flatly. Her persona had done a complete one-eighty, and Tyler began to worry that she was on the verge of another breakdown.

“Listen, babe, about last night… I’m sorry I snapped at you like that.”

“It’s okay,” she mumbled, looking away from him.

Tyler grabbed her face in his hands and turned her towards him. He could see everything she felt through her eyes; they were like an open gateway. She thought she was so good at hiding her emotions, but truthfully, they were written plain across her face. Maybe she could fool other people, but not him.

“No, it’s not okay. So I hated that stupid therapy thing. I still made a promise to you. And I promised myself that I wouldn’t break any more of them. I shouldn’t have done that,” he apologized, keeping his eyes locked on hers.

They softened when he spoke, and underneath the hurt that shone through them laid something he hoped would never fade, something he always looked forward to seeing whenever he was around her. There was a certain way she looked at him, a gaze reserved solely for him. It was the one that had almost knocked the breath out of him the first time they met, and every day since. It was pure, unconditional love. A love so wholesome, he was sure that she was the only person in the world capable of it.

“Will you tell me what you dreamt about?” she asked softly.

“It’s nothing you need to worry about,” he promised, placing a chaste kiss on her delicate lips.

When he pulled away, the smallest of smiles appeared on her face.

“You can’t honestly expect me not to worry about you. That’s my job, you know.”

“Well my job is to make sure that you’re happy. And you can’t be happy if you’re worrying about me.”

“We’re at quite the standstill,” she joked, resting her head against his.

“I guess we are,” Tyler said, unable to keep a smile off of his own face.

It was moments such as that which made him feel like the luckiest person who’d ever lived. He still had a difficult time believing that it was possible to love another person the way he loved her, and the way she loved him. It was plain in everything they did, in every word they said. Even the most trying times wouldn’t be able to take that away from them.

“If you don’t mind,” he started, twirling a piece of her hair around his finger, “I’d like to show you how much I appreciate you.”

** * * *

Nicki led Tyler through the spinning glass doors ahead of them and nearly skipped through the lobby of Mass General, still all smiles and giggles from their spontaneous getaway. She was still having a bit of trouble walking, but managed to overlook it. It had been worth every filthy, passion filled second. Not once since they’d been together had Tyler been so rough and unrestrained with her, and it frightened her how much she’d enjoyed it.

She let him take the lead, knowing that she would get them hopelessly lost if she tried to find the office they were searching for. Luckily, their appointment with one of the adoption agents and the appointment with the woman recommended by her doctor were right in a row, and on the same side of the building.

They stopped in front of a closed door. The name plate to the left of it read “Amelia Ingersoll”, indicating that they were in the right place. Before knocking, Tyler turned to Nicki and placed his hands on her shoulders.

“Are you sure you’re ready to do this?” he asked, his eyes reading into hers, the way they always did.

She knew that him searching so deeply into her thoughts should irk her, that it should make her feel uncomfortable in the most intrusive way. But there was something undeniably comforting about his innate ability to see past the words that came from her mouth, only to see in her eyes what she really meant. Nicki despised hiding things from people; it was a custom she couldn’t quite shake. With Tyler, she didn’t have a choice.

Nicki nodded her head and tilted her chin upwards, hoping to garner a kiss. Tyler caught on and pressed his lips to hers, letting them linger until she pulled away.

“I’m ready,” she declared with a smile.

He flashed her one of his own before slamming his fist on the wooden door in front of them. Momentarily, a short, older woman opened the door and invited them in. After getting the introductions out of the way, she had them sit down, cutting straight to the chase.

“So, what has you interested in adoption?”

Just as Nicki was about to launch into a detailed explanation of why they were sitting in front of her, she felt Tyler’s warm, strong hand wrap around her own. She watched as Amelia’s eyes darted towards their entwined hands, a soft smile inching its way onto her face. It made Nicki want to yell out, to scream at the top of her lungs to let everyone know that she was the single luckiest woman alive.

That one, small gesture was enough to give her the strength and the courage she needed to repeat their tragic story one more time, to one more stranger. It was always Nicki who told it, partially because she was the one who ultimately experienced it, but somewhat because Tyler wasn’t thrilled about speaking to strangers about such personal matters.

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” Amelia said, shaking her head sadly. “These things always seem to happen to the nicest couples. I just don’t understand.”

“Neither do we,” Nicki admitted.

“Well, on the bright side, maybe you’ll be able to find what you’re searching for here. Not only would you get the child you desire, you’d be offering a safe, loving home to a boy or girl who’s never known one.”

Nicki nodded her head, acknowledging the truth behind Amelia’s words. For the past week, Tyler had stood his ground firmly on what he wanted. It thoroughly surprised her that he wanted a grown child instead of a newborn, and it had instilled a whole new level of respect inside of her. She’d always known that he was selfless when it came to her, but to do something so noble as to give up the chance of bonding with an infant to help a child who was truly in need stunned her.

“That’s the plan,” Tyler said, earning a wondering glance from Nicki. She hadn’t been expecting him to speak.

“I’m so very glad to hear that. Now, are there any credentials you have in mind? Boy? Girl? Age? Race? You can be open and honest with me, I in no way judge any decisions made by potential parents.”

“I don’t really care. What about you?” he answered, looking at Nicki.

“No, it doesn’t matter to me. I just want it to be the right fit. How would we even know?”

“That’s one of the most frequent questions I receive,” Amelia explained, leaning forward across her desk. “And it’s also one of the most difficult to answer. I’ve found one way to help couples understand is by asking them a question in return. How did you know that you were supposed to be together? It’s difficult to explain to those who have never fallen in love. But, as the phrase goes, when you know, you know.”

“That actually makes a lot of sense,” Nicki said thoughtfully, tightening her fingers around Tyler’s.

“I figured it would,” Amelia responded, still smiling at them. “Now, since this is just a preliminary meeting, do you have any other general questions? We can get more into the details once you decide which path you want to take.”

Nicki scanned the room, hoping that something might spark a question that she could ask. She had millions of them, but somehow couldn’t remember a single one once they’d been asked.

“How long does this whole process usually take?” Tyler asked.

She tried to thank him telepathically. That was one of her many questions, possibly one of the most important.

“That all depends on how quickly you get back to me. If you decide by the end of today, we could have you meeting the children within the next week. After picking a child, there’s a great deal of paperwork and legal nonsense to deal with. Sometimes it takes a single day to fill everything out, sometimes it takes months.”

“I don’t know if I could go in there and meet all of those kids,” Nicki said, sighing. “I feel like it might break my heart to know we can’t just take them all.”

Tyler gave her hand a light squeeze, and she knew they’d be discussing the entire thing in depth when they arrived home later that day.

“I will be honest with you, Nicki, you wouldn’t be the first, nor the last, to feel that way. It can be difficult to see their faces and get to know their personalities, knowing that most of them will remain there until they reach adulthood. It’s truly a very sad fact. But, at least you’ll know that you’re helping one of them. Or more, if that’s what you want.”

Nicki nodded again, left with no further statements or questions. She was sure they would all come flooding to her at once, most likely at three in the morning when she was wide awake. Amelia explained a few last things to them and handed Tyler her business card before shaking their hands and bidding them farewell.

Once they reached the hallway, Tyler’s hand found hers again and he glanced down at her.

“What do you think?”

“I dunno, Ty,” she answered hesitantly, following him through the twists and turns of the floor they were on. “Let’s see how this next thing goes first.”

When he didn’t say anything back, she realized just how much he wanted to adopt. It perplexed her; she would never have fathomed that he, of all people, would be more than alright with having children that he hadn’t fathered. Nicki even recalled him saying on several occasions that he wasn’t sure if he could love them the same way he would love his own. The way he had loved his own. She was curious to know what could have possibly changed his mind on such a significant matter.

As Tyler reached for the doorknob to the waiting room where they were scheduled to attend their next appointment, Nicki grabbed his arm and turned him towards her. He cocked his head, waiting to hear her explanation as to why she had stopped him. She stared back at him, as lovingly as she could. If he was going to read all of the negative thoughts through her expressions, she wanted him to read the positive ones, too.

“I love you,” she reminded him. “A lot.”

She managed to get a soft chuckle out of him, and smiled knowing that she could.

“I love you a lot, too,” he said, placing a tender kiss on her forehead.

The day that Tyler stopped kissing her forehead would surely be the day that she died. Nicki had become so accustomed to it, expecting one whenever she needed it, that on the few occasions when she didn’t receive one, she nearly broke down. There was something so reassuring about it, in something that made her feel unconditionally loved. It made her feel supported and treasured and cared for. There was no shortage of words to describe the power it had over her, and it could take her from miserable to joyful in a millisecond.

He pulled his lips from her skin and caught her gaze for just a moment before he finally opened the door and gestured for Nicki to go in first.

“Why, thank you sir,” she said, curtsying on her way through the doorway.

Tyler shook his head and laughed as he followed her into the small waiting room.

“You’re a goof,” he teased, slipping an arm around her waist, his hand coming to a rest just above her hipbone.

“But I’m your goof, right?”

Another melodious laugh escaped himand he pressed his lips to the side of her head, letting them hover by her ear.

“Right,” he whispered, sending tingles from her scalp all the way down to her toes.

Before they could even decide which seats to take, a woman came pushing through a door in front of them.

“Mr. and Mrs. Seguin?” she inquired as she approached them.

“That’s us,” Nicki replied.

She still hadn’t quite become accustomed to her new last name, and loved to flaunt it wherever she went. Not because she was married to a famous athlete, but because she was so entirely proud of the person he was, and because she felt blessed to be the one girl he’d chosen, out of all the women begging to be with him.

“You’re early,” the woman pointed out, offering up her hand to each of them. “Which works out perfectly since my last appointment just cancelled. I can take you now, if you’re ready.”

“Sure, that sounds great,” Tyler said, moving his hand the tiniest bit up Nicki’s side.

They followed her through the door she’d come from and came upon a short, brightly lit hallway, with no more than two or three rooms on either side.

“My office is the first one on the left. Go in and make yourselves comfortable, I just have to grab your file.”

They did as she said and entered her small, cozy office. The door shut on its own behind them, and Nicki jumped at the opportunity to have a moment alone. She hastily grabbed his face, not leaving any room for miscommunication. The second her lips hit his, the door opened again and she pulled away quickly, slightly embarrassed to be caught in the act. In a stranger’s office.

Nicki plopped into one of the two chairs that faced the woman’s desk, heart racing and cheeks burning. One glance at Tyler told her that he was equally frazzled, and most likely just as humiliated.

“I apologize for not introducing myself,” the doctor said as she took a seat across from them. “I’m Dr. Lafferty, but you can call me Jane if you’d like. I’m not a very formal person.” She waited a minute before continuing. “So, the first question I have for you is, on a scale of one to ten, how sure are you that this is what you want to do? One being extremely unsure, ten being absolutely positive.”

“Eight.”

“Three.”

Jane smirked at them. “I see you’re not exactly on the same page, which is more than fine, and perfectly normal. Have you addressed any other options yet?”

“We just finished meeting with an adoption agent,” Nicki explained.

“That means you haven’t had much time to discuss with each other then, yes?”

“Yeah,” Tyler said, “We’re just here to get information, that’s all.”

Nicki shot him a what do you think you’re doing look. She began to sincerely dread the debate that was sure to take place later. He didn’t seem to catch her glare, and continued to keep his attention on the doctor in front of them.

“And I’m here to clarify as best I can. To start, I’m going to explain to you exactly what we do here…”

** * * *

“You’ll have to excuse me while I run up to the roof and jump off,” Tyler scorned.

“What’s wrong with you, Ty? Why are you so bitter?”

“That was the most boring two hours of my entire life!” he exclaimed, obviously unhappy with the meeting they’d just sat through.

“It was informative. I didn’t know half of the stuff she told us,” Nicki muttered, on the verge of tears once again.

Tyler instantly noticed the cracking in her voice and clenched his hand around her arm, halting her in the middle of the parking lot. He pulled her to his chest, causing the water works to flow. She could only hold it back for so long, and was beginning to feel terrible for being a constant downer.

“Ugh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset,” he apologized, gracing the top of her head with his lips. “We can talk about it when we get home.”

“Okay,” she whispered, tears still falling quietly down her face.

As they fell, Tyler’s thumbs made quick work of wiping them away. She could tell how horrible he felt for making her cry, and guessed it was nearly as bad as she felt for crying over something so stupid. Nicki had always been overly sensitive. Since the miscarriage, there was no telling what might set her off.

Tyler let out a gruff noise and pulled her closer to him.

“Babe, I really am sorry. That wasn’t fair. I’m just stressed. But that doesn’t justify me taking it out on you.” He paused to leave a few more soft kisses on her head. “I know where your heart is on this one,” he admitted.

“Well, what about you?” she asked, her voice still shaky from crying.

He sighed and backed away from her a bit, but kept his arms comfortably around her.

“I don’t know, Nicki. There’s just so much to think about.”

Nicki sniffled and wriggled out of his hold, beginning to trek towards the car again. She was unbelievably torn. A part of her was ready to fight about it until she was blue in the face. It wanted what she wanted, and wouldn’t settle for anything but. Yet, another part of her only wanted what Tyler did, and would be willing to give up anything to make him happy. Which side would come out triumphant was as much a mystery to her as the workings of the universe.

“Why don’t we pick up some dinner on the way back?” he proposed once they’d entered his car. “I don’t know about you, but I’m really not in the mood to cook.”

“That’s fine,” she murmured, leaning her head against the cool glass of the tinted window next to her.

“You want anything special?”

“Whatever you want.”

After a moment of uncomfortable silence, Tyler’s hand landed firmly on her knee.

“I know you aren’t happy with me, babe, but work with me here. If you won’t even tell me what you want to eat, how are we going to figure out what to do about all of this?”

“Chinese sounds good,” Nicki said, feeling guilty for being such a martyr.

“I was thinking Chinese too. See? We aren’t so far off base,” he joked lightly, giving her knee a gentle pat.

Somehow, some way, he’d gotten her to giggle. “I’m not sure if you can really compare sushi to babies. But thanks, Ty. I wish we didn’t have to do all of this.”

“Yeah, me too,” he mumbled.

Nicki could plainly hear the sadness in his voice. Even if they managed to figure out what they wanted to do, neither of them would ever be able to fully cope with the fact that they couldn’t have their own child. It was the cruelest, most unmerited truth that she had ever known.

The ride home and the wait for their food felt as though it lasted a month. Each of them sat quietly, trying to conjure up what they might say to each other when the time came. Nicki’s mind was made up. Candidly, it had been since the moment Tyler suggested surrogacy. Of course she would love to help a child in need, but the selfish desire to pass on her genetics was much too strong to ignore. She’d spent years dreaming of what their child might be like, and to have those dreams so ruthlessly crushed tormented her. If the possibility of having her own child, even through somebody else, was thwarted, it would kill her.

When they finally made it through their front door, Marshall came sprinting anxiously into the foyer. Nicki found it impossible to hold back a smile whenever he came to greet them, tongue out and tail wagging.

“Hi sweetie,” she cooed, kneeling down to give him a hug and a kiss. He sat patiently while she did, like always. Marshall was one of the few dogs she knew that would allow such behavior from a person without getting annoyed.

She felt Tyler’s hand on the top of her head before he walked past her and Marshall and into the kitchen. Nicki watched him as he went, unable to hold back her admiration. Even when she was at her lowest, even when she was upset with him, his presence alone could alleviate her.

After making up for being gone all day, she pushed herself off of the floor and wandered into the kitchen, where Tyler stood over the island spreading out their dinner. She couldn’t even remember the last time they’d had takeout, and guessed it was during the first few weeks in the house. Every time they got Chinese food, she would think back to the late nights spent bonding with Freddy and Evaline at the apartment, having too many drinks and just as many laughs.

He set a plate down in front of her and a fork next to it, leaving her to her own devices. Nicki placed a few pieces of sushi on her dish, suddenly no longer having much of an appetite. Tyler seemed to feel the same, as his normally overflowing plate was only halfway covered with food. They exchanged uneasy glances; both of them seemed to be fearing the talk they were about to have. It was evident that their relationship had been on thin ice lately, and Nicki was nervous about pushing it too far.

She took a seat at the island and raised her chopsticks to her mouth, only to let the sushi she was about to eat drop back onto her plate.

“I can’t eat,” she said, pushing the food away from her.

Tyler did the same with his. “C’mon, let’s just get this over with. It’s stupid to keep putting it off.”

“You’re right. Living room?”

He nodded and, to her surprise, picked her up and carried her to the couch, falling together into their spot. Nicki’s father had taken care of getting the old one replaced while Tyler was in Michigan, and she couldn’t have been more thankful. Unfortunately, she also couldn’t stop herself from reliving the nightmares, real and imagined, that had taken place there.

It took Nicki all but a minute to realize how ingenuous Tyler’s plan was. The warmth from his body and the ease that accompanied physical contact with him would make it extremely difficult to become agitated. If they wanted to have a calm, collected discussion, being snuggled up together was the best way to do it. She positioned herself so that she could look at him, feeling that eye contact was nearly as important as the topic they would be conferring.

“So, you said you know where I stand. Where do you stand?” she asked, afraid to hear his answer.

Tyler exhaled a long breath. “I want to adopt.”

“You’ve already made up your mind,” Nicki stated, already starting to feel the disappointment. It was idiotic of her to believe it might have been easy.

“Yeah, I have.”

“Oh.”

“I want to explain why,” he said, tucking some of her hair behind her ear. “First of all, I really think it would be amazing to give a good kid a good home. I know that you didn’t have a great life when you were younger, but can you even imagine what it would have been like if you got taken away from your family? Or they decided they just didn’t want you anymore? I can’t think of anything worse. And I used to worry about not being able to love a kid who wasn’t mine, but look at Bella. God forbid, if something ever happened to Lisa and Zach, I’d take her as my daughter in a heartbeat, and I know that you would too. Babe, think about it. In a week from now, we could have a kid. Don’t get me wrong, I know that it wouldn’t be easy. But it could work.”

Nicki could feel the tears welling in her eyes again. “Ty, that makes a lot of sense. And I get it, I do. You’re making me feel so greedy for wanting something that’s ours. Not something that we’ve made ours, but something that we made. That’s the way it works, that’s what’s natural to me. I don’t want to fight with you, and I want you to get what you want more than anything. Just, something this big? I don’t know if I could live with myself if I gave in.” She started to sob, and had to take some time to get herself under control. “What do we do?”

“Why don’t we just do both?” he suggested coolly.

“What?!”

“Why not? I know we both want more than one. So why don’t we just do one each way? Then we’ll both be happy.”

She couldn’t stop herself from laughing out loud. “I can’t believe I didn’t think of that.”

“I didn’t either, until now,” he admitted, chuckling a bit with her. “I feel like an idiot.”

“And I feel so much better,” she said, truly uplifted. “And hungry.”

Tyler’s stomach responded for him, with a growl loud enough to capture Marshall’s attention from the other end of the room. He squeezed his arms around Nicki, locking her in a chokingly tight hug. His lips attacked her with kiss after kiss, all over her face, head, and neck.

“I love you,” he repeated over and over again, between every kiss.

Every time his lips hit her skin, she giggled ferociously. Instantly, everything felt right again. It was such an intense feeling of contentedness that she could almost forget that the reason why they were so happy now was because she was barren.

“So which do we do first?” she asked once he got his fill.

“That depends.”

“On what?”

“Well,” he began hesitantly, “Do you want two kids within a year of each other? Or do you want to take some time to adjust before jumping into another one?”

Nicki shifted on top of him, unclear on what her answer was.

“Uh, I don’t know. What do you think?”

She watched as a smile as wide as the Atlantic lit up his face.

“Babe, at this point, I’m ready to have twenty.”

“Woah!” she yelled. “Slow down there! You want twenty kids, you’re gonna need another wife, too.”

“I could be okay with that,” he teased, leaning his forehead against hers. “Nah. You’re the only girl for me. No one could ever come close to taking your place.”

“Damn straight they can’t.” Nicki let out a few giggles before becoming serious again. “It is ridiculous how happy you make me, you know that?”

Without delay, Tyler tilted his head and slid his lips between hers, falling into place like pieces to a puzzle. The sensation that ran through her was something she had never quite felt before. Both of them knew that they had just tackled the biggest obstacle of their lives to date, and with ease. If there were any doubts nagging her, they had been meticulously erased.

Unwillingly, Nicki pulled away from him, coaxed from their kiss by their growling stomachs.

“I’ll be right back,” she promised, getting off of his lap in pursuit of their food.

She smiled to herself the entire way into the kitchen. It felt like she’d just won the lottery; only better. No amount of money in the world could buy the happiness that was coursing through her like adrenaline. It filled every inch of her to the brim, leaving her feeling wholly satisfied and pleasurably content.

Nicki tossed Tyler’s dish into the microwave, trying to spare him the unpleasantness of cold Chinese takeout. As she reentered the living room, the smile that had been hanging on her face exploded into a cheek cramping grin. He’d gathered the two coziest blankets they had, and had tucked himself in, leaving just enough space for her to join him.

“We haven’t done this in forever,” he said, grinning nearly as wide as she was.

It was true; it felt like lifetimes had passed since they last spent a night on the couch, relaxing and cuddling. In reality, it had been less than a month. But they had suffered through so much, it felt as necessary as air.

She handed him the plates and curled up next to him before taking hers back. Tyler flicked on the TV and passed the remote to Nicki.

“You wanna watch Wives with Knives?”

Nicki looked at him, pure shock plastered all over her face.

“But you hate that show,” she reminded him, remembering all of the times he’d gotten up and left when she wanted to watch it.

“But I love you,” he countered, pressing his lips to her temple. “And can ya blame me? I doubt any husband could watch that show without being scared for his life.”

“Don’t worry, love. If I wanted to kill you, I would have done it already.”

Tyler let out a bellowing laugh, one she hadn’t heard in ages.

“Oh, good. That makes me feel a hell of a lot better. How would you do it?”

“Remember what I did this morning?” she asked, waiting for his nod to continue. “I’d just keep going. And going. And going.”

“That’d probably do the trick,” he said, laughing yet again. “Not a bad way to go out, though.”

“Not at all,” Nicki agreed, nuzzling her face into the crook of his neck.

She earned a soft moan from Tyler and reclined further into him, so much so that they could barely be considered two separate bodies. As they ate and watched the macabre show that Nicki somehow found horrendously entertaining, she could feel the smallest bit of her confidence returning to her. Even though her body wasn’t the way it was once, even though she couldn’t carry the child that she knew they both deserved, she found solace in knowing that her relationship was as solid as a rock, and as resilient as a rubber band. The worry she had felt the last few weeks was deemed entirely unnecessary, and she felt foolish for ever doubting that their love could withstand even the most trying hardships.

Once the fatigue began to set in, Nicki realized that they would most likely be spending the night on the couch. Unaware of whether or not Tyler was still awake, she still felt the need to say one last thing.

“We’re finally going to be parents,” she whispered, never having felt so proud to say anything in her whole life.

Notes

Sorry this took so long to update guys!!! I really hope it was worth the wait, I know this chapter was kind of dry, but I hope it wasn't too boring!

And, it's been brought to my attention that Autumn Leaves is currently number 4 on the list of popular stories on this site, and I'm not shitting you I actually cried when I saw that. It's all thanks to you amazing people who continue to support me and my stories. I wish there was a way I could thank you all the way you deserve.

YOU'RE ALL SO AMAZING <3