White Orchids

“Tyler, please?” Nicki begged, hanging off of him like a child.

Tyler laughed and shook his head, but wrapped his arms around her all the same.

“No. You can beg all you want, I’m not giving in.”

She looked up at him, making an extra effort to round her eyes and pout her lips.

“I don’t think I can get through this day without it,” she said softly.

Nicki could tell that she was slowly weakening his resolve, and she wondered how long it was going to take him to finally cave. Instead of continuing to deny her, Tyler leaned his upper half away from her, causing his pelvis to press into her stomach. It nearly made her comatose. His hands cupped her face as he grinned at her.

“Then you’ll have to wait until later, when we get back,” he said firmly, but with the smallest bit of sympathy. “It’s for your own good, babe. This doctor is trying to help you. I want her to see you the way you normally are, or have been lately. If you go in there all high off of sex, it won’t do any of us any good.”

She hated to admit that he was right. Even after all of their major issues had been resolved, Nicki was still left not feeling quite right. There were nights when she cried herself to sleep, recurring nightmares, and heightened levels of anxiety over just about everything. Tyler was the only thing keeping her from being entirely consumed by it, whatever it was. They liked to use the term “depression” to describe the way she felt. But she had been depressed before, and although no one listened to her when she said it, things were not the same this time around. She didn’t have suicidal thoughts, she got out of bed every morning, and she generally managed to carry on with her life.

The times when it wasn’t so easy, however, she used her instability to her advantage. Nicki had been using sex as an impermanent fix to a serious problem, and Tyler had gone along with it up until that morning. It reassured her to know that he had her best interests in mind, but she hadn’t been lying. She truly wasn’t sure if she would make it through the day without it.

They were due in therapy at one o’clock that afternoon, giving them just over an hour to get into Boston. Nicki expected it to be more or less like the other times she had been, and dreaded it just as much as she did the first time she ever went. It wasn’t easy admitting that there was something wrong with her to her family, and something about having to do the same with a complete stranger simply rubbed her the wrong way.

“What are you thinking about?” Tyler asked, searching her eyes for the answer to his question.

Nicki attempted to smile at him and push away her worries. She had him back. And at the end of the day, that was all that mattered to her.

“Just not looking forward to this,” she said, staring softly back at him.

The corner of his mouth raised slightly, but the expression on his face was glum.

“I’m sorry, babe. I wish it didn’t have to be this way.”

She nodded and inhaled a breath, trying to ease her nerves.

“It’s okay,” she muttered. “You’re trying to help. I know that.”

Tyler looked at her for a moment longer before leaning in and trapping her in a kiss. He held her so closely, even if she wanted to break away from him, she wouldn’t have been able to. It gave her a sense of safety, as if he was trying to show that he wouldn’t let anything happen to her. When he was finished with her lips, he left a small kiss on her nose, one on her forehead, and another on the top of her head.

“How about I take you out for lunch after?” he proposed, still keeping her body pressed against his own.

Nicki had absolutely no problem with his tight embrace, and nestled her face into his chest, wishing that they could get undressed and climb back into bed.

“I guess lunch sounds okay.”

“Don’t get so excited,” he teased, brushing a hand over her hair, which now fell almost halfway down her back.

His hand rested just above her tailbone, and his palm was radiating warmth onto her skin. Tyler had been unbelievably affectionate with her as of late, and she hoped it would never come to an end.

“I love this long hair you’ve got going,” he added. “It’s sexy.”

Tyler would never know just how much that compliment meant to her that day. For the last half of a year, she had felt anything but sexy. She used to be confident around him; she was fiery and flirty and took every chance she could to tease him with it. Even though he tried to convince her otherwise, Nicki refused to believe that anything about pregnancy was attractive, and her dignity had taken a monstrous blow.

“Thanks, love. I’m glad you think so.”

The hand that rested on her back slipped underneath her shirt and soothingly stroked her skin.

“We’re gonna get you that confidence back,” he promised, placing another kiss on her head. “I never thought I’d say this, but I miss all the teasing.”

Somehow, he managed to evoke a chuckle from Nicki. She smiled and pulled away from him, feeling as ready as she could be to face their day. Tyler mirrored her expression, and his hands made their way to her face once more.

“You’re beautiful when you smile. You know that?”

She chuckled again and hung her head, looking up at him through her plush lashes.

“I’m not always?” she joked, smiling wider than she had all week.

“You know what I meant,” he said, delighting her with a soft peck on the lips. “You ready to do this?”

** * * *

“So,” the therapist began, “Now that we’ve gotten the introductions out of the way, I want to talk to each of you separately. Once I’ve done that, we can move forward. Does that sound alright?”

Tyler and Nicki both nodded, and he grabbed her hand and pulled it into his lap. Nicki wondered if he knew how much those simple gestures meant to her, and gathered that he was very aware of it.

“Who wants to go first?”

“I will,” Nicki said, preferring to get it over with rather than continue to dread it any longer.

Tyler gave her hand a gentle squeeze and he caught her gaze before getting up and exiting the small, dimly lit room.

“Well, from what I can see, whatever has brought you in here today isn’t threatening your marriage.”

“How could you know that?” Nicki asked, perplexed by the woman’s keen observation.

“To start, most couples that come here sit on opposite ends of that couch. Like they can’t quite get far enough away from each other.”

She giggled a bit, realizing that it probably hadn’t been so hard to see that they loved each other.

“I guess we’re more here for me, to be honest,” she admitted, crossing her hands in her lap.

“And that’s perfectly fine,” the therapist assured her. She’d said her name three times, and Nicki still couldn’t remember what it was. Horris? Borris? Something with an –is at the end. “It’s good to see him supporting you this way. I want you to tell me why you think you’re here.”

Nicki stayed quiet for a moment, trying to conjure up an answer that covered everything in one go. Luckily, the woman in front of her was easygoing, which made it much easier to spill out all of her deepest troubles.

“I was pregnant,” she started, deciding that it was the best place to begin. “And a couple of weeks ago, I had a miscarriage.”

“I’m very sorry to hear that. And it’s taken a toll on you and your relationship, I’m sure.”

She nodded, trying to remember the chain of events as clearly as she could. Her brain had been so clouded from the medication, not everything made sense to her.

“I don’t remember everything, but the day after, I was a wreck. I still don’t know exactly what happened, but Tyler left the hospital. I had no idea where he was at the time, and I was so hurt by it, ya know? The only thing going through my mind was that he blamed me for all of it, that he would never be able to love me again because of it. He really, really wanted children, and it ruined him. Then I found out that there were some complications, and was given the option to go into surgery. I tried calling him, looking for help, but he didn’t answer. So I had the surgery, and found out that I would never be able to have a child. I think that’s when the depression, or whatever, started. I ran off to my friend’s house because I honestly believed that he would have been better off without me. Long story shorter, we’re okay now. But something still doesn’t feel right. Something in me,” she explained, out of breath from her lengthy speech.

“So you’re here to figure out what that is,” the therapist implied.

“Yeah, I guess so. I just want to feel like my old self again. Almost more for him than for me.”

A small smile spread across the woman’s face. “That can be a very good thing. Wanting that for someone besides yourself can be key to staying motivated and on track.”

Nicki sat still on the couch, with no response in her plans. What was she supposed to say?

“Before I ask you to leave, I’d like you to try and describe your relationship in a single word. One word for the way it was before the miscarriage and one for the way it is now.”

As she pondered over every word in her vocabulary, a single one kept popping into her head. She didn’t want to say it, assuming that therapists were extremely realistic people, and didn’t appreciate exaggerations. But she wasn’t exaggerating.

“It can be any word?” she asked.

“Any word. Whatever you feel best describes your relationship. It’s just an activity I like to do with all of my patients,” the therapist explained kindly.

After shrugging her shoulders, Nicki said, “Perfect.”

“That’s how you really feel?”

“It’s how I’ve always felt,” she muttered.

“And what about now?”

Nicki took another moment to assess their relationship; to look at it as a whole.

“Supportive,” she said, completely satisfied with her choice.

She watched as the therapist scribbled on her notepad, wondering what kind of notes she might be writing about her. It wasn’t exactly the best feeling in the world; to be treated like somebody’s subject rather than a human being.

“That’s all I need from you for now,” she said, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose. “Would you mind sending in Tyler?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Nicki lifted herself off of the couch and stretched out her back a bit before opening the heavy, chestnut colored door that led to the stuffy waiting room. She couldn’t hold back a grin as she was faced with Tyler, sitting alone and looking thoughtfully through a women’s magazine. Her giggling drew his attention and he glanced up, quickly tossing aside the magazine.

“There was nothing else to read,” he murmured.

She skeptically eyed the rack of magazines next to him, with a Men’s Health and a Sports Illustrated right out front on the first shelf.

“Oh?”

Tyler rose from his chair and placed his hands on her hips, momentarily making her forget that she just caught her husband reading Cosmo.

“So what were you reading about?” she asked, adoring the way his cheeks had turned the slightest shade of red.

He muttered something unintelligible, and Nicki ran her hands up his biceps, regretting it the instant she did. She often forgot how easily his muscles could turn her ravenous.

“Is it my turn to go in?” he countered, avoiding the subject entirely.

Nicki laughed and tilted her head up to leave a gentle kiss on the bottom of his chin.

“Yup. It wasn’t bad.”

Tyler shrugged her off, dropping his hands from her hips as he turned to enter the room she’d just come from. As soon as he disappeared, she sat and grabbed the magazine he had been holding. She let the pages fall open, hoping that he might have creased them while reading. So, maybe it was a little nosey. The fact that he wouldn’t tell her what he was looking at made her all the more curious, and she prayed that it wasn’t a sexy picture of some model. Her self esteem simply couldn’t have endured it.

The pages settled, and Nicki had to stifle a laugh when she realized why he’d been embarrassed. In hot pink letters at the top of the page was written “69 Ways to Blow His Mind”. She skimmed through most of it, stopping at a few here and there to read them fully. Back when she was a teenager, Nicki had always subscribed to magazines such as that one, and was always intrigued by articles concerning what happened in the bedroom.

Now, however, she couldn’t be bothered. She truly hadn’t thought it possible to be so fulfilled with her love life. Even in high school, all of her friends constantly complained about being unsatisfied. As a twenty-five year old married woman, it seemed ludicrous to believe that her libido had not only survived a miscarriage, but seemed to actually be thriving off of it. She was more than sure that her husband’s rock solid body and implausibly handsome face was responsible for the lust that overwhelmed her nearly every second of every day. His skill in bed couldn’t be overlooked, either. A part of her was thankful for the wilder times in his life, as she imagined he would have picked up a few things on his escapades.

Nicki sighed, realizing that not for the first time that day, she’d gotten much too absorbed in thoughts of him. Although they’d managed to move past what happened, she refused to forget how horribly she’d felt. A great deal of her pain stemmed from the dependency she had formed on him, and swore to herself that she would try to break free from it.

** * * * *

“Alright, Tyler. I want to start by asking you to tell me why you’re here today,” Dr. Morrison said, crossing one of her legs over the other.

Tyler sat slumped down on the couch, legs wide open and arms crossed over his chest. He knew that he had terrible posture at times, and could not have cared less.

“For Nicki, I guess.”

“Could you try to elaborate?”

He crossed his arms a little tighter and let out a sigh. He’d been expecting to go there, hold her hand, do some stupid shit the therapist asked them to, and leave. Tyler had no clue that he would have to be interrogated by himself and frankly, wasn’t happy about it.

“She hasn’t been herself lately,” he started.

“Since the miscarriage?”

Hearing that word never failed to make Tyler cringe, and he had to take a moment to collect himself before he went along with whatever bullshit she was about to throw at him.

“Yeah.”

“And what’s been different about her?” she asked.

Another sigh escaped his lips. Tyler didn’t care that she was a paid professional, pointing out all of Nicki’s flaws to anybody wasn’t something he liked to do. She didn’t know her; she didn’t know what she was like before that whole mess. A part of him was afraid that she would be judged. And, as a man, he had a serious problem with anyone who thought badly of her. Even a therapist.

“I guess she’s just been kind of sad lately.”

“In what way?”

Tyler finally realized that he wasn’t getting out of this easily. Until he answered every question the way she wanted him to, he would be stuck on that couch, twiddling his thumbs while he tried to think of every possible way to leave without ruining the session. He really hoped Nicki knew how much he loved her.

“I don’t know,” he said, trying to come up with an example. “She gets really negative sometimes. And she gets really down about herself.”

“Would you say she has low self esteem?”

“Maybe sometimes.”

“Well that’s normal in women, especially someone her age,” she explained, scribbling away in her notepad.

“If you knew her, you’d get it,” Tyler muttered, becoming frustrated that she was so willingly generalizing Nicki. She wasn’t like other girls her age. She wasn’t like other girls, period.

“What makes you say that?”

“She’s the happiest person I’ve ever met,” he said, a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth as he thought back to the beginning of their relationship. “She bounces back from things. Even when her brother killed himself, she wasn’t like this.”

“You’re worried,” Dr. Morrison stated.

“Of course I’m worried, she’s my wife.”

“You might be surprised to know how many men don’t feel that way,” she said.

Finally, something he didn’t have to answer. Although he knew this woman was only trying to help, she was beginning to get on his nerves. He had a hard enough time opening up to people he saw every day. It wasn’t something he liked to do. Forget about someone who was prying at his feelings.

“Okay, Tyler. I’ve bothered you enough.” Tyler shifted on the couch. He didn’t realize he was being so obvious, and felt more than a little rude. “I’ll just ask you to do one last thing for me.”

He nodded, ready to comply.

“If you had to describe your relationship before the miscarriage, what word would you use?”

That one was easy.

** * * * *

“Hey baby!” Nicki squealed, jumping out of her seat to wrap her arms around Tyler.

“Uh, hey?”

“That took a while,” she pointed out, resting her head against his shoulder.

“Okay…” he said, clearly confused as to why she was acting the way she was. “You ready to go back in? I wanna get out of here.”

His tone of voice alarmed her. “Are you okay?”

“Just hungry.”

Nicki could tell instantly that he was lying to her. Whatever was bothering him, he obviously just wanted to leave. So she grabbed his hand and led him back through the door, where the therapist was awaiting their return, notepad now full of words. She was dying to know what she and Tyler talked about, but wasn’t sure if it was okay to ask him.

They took a seat on the couch, so close that Nicki was nearly in Tyler’s lap. This time, she grabbed his hand. If she had to guess, she would say that he wasn’t very happy about being left alone to answer all kinds of questions that he really didn’t want to be asked.

“First of all, I want to inform you both that I asked the same two questions while you were alone with me.”

Her caught Nicki off guard. She’d figured that the purpose of keeping them separate was to ask things that they weren’t comfortable answering in front of each other.

“Second, I want to point out that for the first question, your responses were more or less the same.”

Nicki smiled and glanced at Tyler out of the corner of her eye, hoping he might be as proud as she was that they were on the same page. He was staring straight ahead, and either wasn’t listening or didn’t think it was a big deal. She turned back to the therapist and tried to forget how pissed off Tyler had looked.

“As for the second question, I have to admit I’m a bit shocked. Your answers were exactly the same.”

This time she got a reaction out of Tyler. Although she didn’t take her focus off of the therapist in front of her, she felt his thumb move delicately back and forth across her hand.

“So, now I have to ask. What made you describe your relationship as ‘perfect’?”

Tyler’s thumb stopped moving against her skin, and Nicki knew that he wanted her to take the reins. She was beginning to understand why exactly he seemed frazzled. He had a difficult enough time explaining the way he felt to her. There was no way he would have been happy about spewing out his deepest feelings to someone he didn’t even know.

For a moment, Nicki nearly found herself in tears. He was willing to do so much for her; things that probably made jumping off of Mount Everest seem appealing. But he did them. And he did them for her. To save him from any further torture, she launched into a full, detailed explanation.

“Tyler is the only person I’ve ever met that can be as happy as I am. As if that’s not enough, he actually manages to make me even happier. We never fight, we don’t bring each other down, and as much as I hate depending on people, I can count on him for anything. So, he’s screwed up a couple of times. That’s still a better track record than anyone else in my life. I can only hope he feels the same way about me,” she paused to take a breath. “When we first met, somehow he figured out how to break through the walls I put up. Not even my father, nor my best friend, could do that. We might have had a rocky start, but the second he told me he wanted to be with me, I’ve never had a single doubt about him.” She turned to Tyler, feeling the need for privacy as she finished. “Until you left me that day.”

Nicki could see the pain behind his eyes. The guilt still ate away at him, and she wished that she didn’t have to bring it up. But it was a part of the reason why she changed, and if she truly wanted to be helped, it needed to be addressed.

“That was well done, Nicki. But I would also like to hear Tyler’s answer.”

She could feel him tense up beside her, and took over his job of casually soothing him, running her fingers gently along the inside of his hand. He spared a glance in her direction, as if searching for confirmation. Nicki nodded and wore the warmest smile she could muster.

“Okay,” he murmured. She watched as he used his free hand to stroke his beard, grown long for the playoffs. It took everything in her not to jump on top of him and shower him with affection. It didn’t seem healthy, nor natural, to love everything about a person, and she often considered that maybe she had a bit of a problem.

“Everything she said.”

“I’m sorry, Tyler. I’m going to need a little more than that. Why don’t you try to tell me some of the things you love about her? Some of the things that made you feel like you were in the perfect relationship.”

He sighed and removed his hand from Nicki’s so that he could cross his arms in front of his chest, exposing his pectorals through the folds in his shirt. Nicki found herself staring at the sight, and almost decided that it was too good to look away. Had she not been worried about making the therapist feel uncomfortable, she would have gladly gazed at them all day.

“She’s warm,” he said.

“Warm? Temperature wise?”

“Well yeah, but no. Like a person.”

Nicki couldn’t help but be a little flattered. It was one thing hearing that said in the privacy of their home, between the two of them. It was an entirely different story hearing him admit it to another person.

“You mean warm as in caring or kindhearted, and nurturing, perhaps?”

Tyler nodded his head.

“Do you feel as though she takes care of you the way she should? The way you expect her to, as your wife?”

Another head nod.

“Even when she isn’t feeling quite like herself?”

“Yeah,” he answered.

“Do you think she puts you first sometimes, when maybe she should be more concerned with herself?”

Nicki held her breath, waiting to see how he would reply. They were venturing into uncomfortable territory, and she wasn’t sure how she felt about it. Maybe there were some things that she didn’t want to know.

Tyler nodded his head again.

“Okay, good,” she said reassuringly. “I can sense that neither of you are very keen about what we’re doing now, and that’s perfectly understandable. I think you’ve made the answer to my next question clear, and I see that you both support each other beyond what’s expected.” She glanced down at her watch, and her face contorted slightly. “We’re almost out of time, anyways. Before you leave, there are just a few things that I want you to try between now and your next session.”

They both sat in silence, waiting to be given their agenda.

“Tyler, I want you to continue to support and motivate Nicki. To help her regain her confidence, it’s important that you consistently let her know how much she means to you. Although self esteem issues often revolve around one’s physical image of themselves, the most successful way to approach this matter is to reassure that someone is needed, and that they are doing everything just the way they are supposed to. And it’s essential that you remain patient with her, even if you become frustrated. Chances are, she’s frustrated too, and simply needs your support.”

His hand found its way back to hers, entwining their fingers together. She had no doubt that he would do all of that, because he already did.

“And Nicki, I want you to continue trying to heal yourself. The hardest part is realizing that something isn’t right, and you’ve done that. By coming here you’ve already started to recover, and I have faith that it won’t take much to get you back on track and where you want to be. Most importantly, I want you to do the same thing I’ve asked of Tyler. It’s necessary, in order to have a well balanced relationship, to constantly show how much you appreciate him, and how much his support means to you.”

“I can do that,” Nicki said, finding herself smiling like an idiot.

“Lastly, there are things you need to be doing as a couple. Tyler, your records indicate that you play professional hockey. I’ve seen the kind of strain that long periods of separation can put on a relationship, which is why it is so important that when you’re home, you do everything you can together. Physical separation often leads to emotional distancing, and doing everyday things together can strengthen the bond that may weaken while you are gone. Things that most couples find helpful include exercising, cooking, gardening, relaxing, and planned dates. I would suggest trying any number of those things, and more if you can think of them. Lastly, I want you to pick three new things to try, together, and keep a journal describing what you did and how it went.”

Finally, Tyler spoke. “Is that it?”

“That’s it,” the therapist responded. “I’ll see you in two weeks.”

** * * *

“I didn’t like her.”

Nicki laughed and planted a kiss on Tyler’s cheek while they were stopped at a red light.

“She wasn’t that bad. Sorry you had to go through all of that,” she apologized.

“Yeah, it sucked pretty bad,” he said, chuckling. “You owe me.”

She shifted her weight so that she could place her lips by his ear and whispered, “I like it when I owe you.”

Tyler’s elbow hit her in the chest, throwing her back into her seat.

“And I like it when you don’t make me crash the God damned car.”

Nicki giggled and turned to look out her window at the passing Boston scenery.

“Do you think it’ll work?” he asked, after staying silent for some time.

“What? The therapy?”

“Yeah.”

“It can’t hurt,” she said. “I hope it will.”

“Well, if what you just whispered in my ear is any indication, I think you’re already doing better,” he teased, shooting a quick smile her way.

Nicki couldn’t deny that she was feeling a bit uplifted. Whether it was the therapy or the fact that she had Tyler all to herself for two days was beyond her. And truthfully, she didn’t care. Although she wanted to get better for herself, summer was only weeks away, which meant three months of relaxing days by the pool and long nights in bed. He was like a drug to her; better than any Zoloft or Prozac.

“So where you taking me for lunch?”

Tyler laughed and turned down a side street. “Take one guess.”

She laughed with him and held the grin on her face. “Gee, I dunno Ty. Definitely not Chipotle.”

“Absolutely not.”

“You have a serious problem,” she joked, shaking her head. “Next time I’m telling the therapist that you’re an addict and it’s affecting our relationship.”

“Fine, then I’ll tell her that you just use me for sex,” he threatened.

“Maybe we’re more messed up than we thought.”

Tyler’s hand travelled across the car and landed on the back of her head, roughing up her hair in only the most affectionate way. She grabbed his hand and pulled it to her lips, leaving kiss after kiss on his soft palm.

“It’s scary how much I love you,” she murmured between kisses.

The hand she held broke from her grip and stroked the side of her face. “Yeah, I feel that way sometimes, too.”

The rest of their ride was spent in quiet contemplation. Shortly after deciding that she needed to lessen her dependency on Tyler, Nicki had some kind of an epiphany. It suddenly didn’t make sense to her to spend her entire life pushing him away, trying to be strong and independent. The happiest time in her life had been the years where she gave all of herself to him, and didn’t worry about getting hurt. It was so perfectly clear that he would never do anything to hurt her on purpose. And if it was an accident, then he deserved every ounce of her forgiveness. He wanted her to depend on him, and it was the least she could do for him to let herself.

Once they reached the restaurant, it became obvious that they wouldn’t be eating in peace. Sometimes Nicki wished they would take her car places, instead of the ostentatious Maserati, that everybody in Boston knew was his. A few fans came right up to the window, taking pictures and asking for autographs. If they could have a single day to go out and not be harassed, it would surely be a miracle.

Nicki let out a long, agitated sigh once they finally made it into the building and took a spot in line.

“You getting’ your usual?” she asked, hoping he might want her to order so that they could get the hell out of there.

“I dunno. What about – “

“Tyler! Oh. My. God. Can we get a picture with you?!”

A group of girls that couldn’t have been older than sixteen were swarming around him like sharks. Nicki rolled her eyes, and promised herself that she would try not to be rude. She used to think it was cute. Now she would have gladly punted each and every one of their skinny, pubescent asses out the door. Tyler being Tyler, he agreed and looked slightly irritated as two of them made their home underneath his arms.

The smallest one came up to Nicki, phone in hand.

“Would you mind taking a picture of us? K, thanks.”

Just for that, she wanted to toss the girl’s phone across the restaurant and storm out. But, unfortunately, it would probably make the news and reflect poorly on Tyler. She waited for the last girl to join the group, even giving her time to stick out her hips, push up her chest, and toss her hair over her shoulder.

After the first picture, they all had to come over and inspect the girl’s phone to make sure the picture was perfect. By some grace of God, they all seemed to be satisfied. After asking Tyler for a hug, they grabbed their Coach purses and left.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were jealous,” Tyler teased, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

“Guilty as charged,” she scoffed, huddling a bit closer to him.

The line was outrageously long and slow moving, giving Tyler all the time in the world to read over the limited menu one thousand times. Luckily, once he put his arm around her people seemed to realize that they shouldn’t bother him. As added insurance, Nicki looped her arm around his back and tilted her head onto his chest. Normally, she wasn’t a fan of public affections. But if it would keep the vultures away, then hell, she’d do just about anything.

“Excuse me?”

Both Nicki and Tyler turned to see where the little voice was coming from. It took a glance downwards to notice a boy, five at the oldest, staring up at them.

“Are you Tyler Seguin?” he asked, in quite possibly the most adorable voice Nicki had ever heard.

“I am,” Tyler responded, taking his arm off of Nicki and bending down so that he was at the boy’s level.

“Will you sign my napkin?”

A chuckle escaped Nicki’s lips, and she had to use her hand to cover the enormous smile on her face. She watched as Tyler gladly accepted the crumpled napkin and borrowed a pen from one of the employees to sign it. Suddenly, she was hit with a tidal wave of emotion.

That could have been their little boy.

She felt sick. Nicki didn’t even bother telling Tyler where she was going and ran towards the exit, hoping that the fresh air might steady her. It took a moment for him to sprint out after her, and in an instant he’d reached her and had her pulled against his chest.

“Hey, what is it?” he asked softly, attempting to unanimously comfort her and shield her from the public eye.

“That boy,” was all she could get out.

She let Tyler lead her around the corner, where some thick bushes and abundant trees gave them the smallest bit of privacy.

“I know,” he said. “I was thinking the same thing.”

Nicki wrapped her arms around his waist and tried to calm herself down. She couldn’t have a breakdown every single time she was faced with a child. That was no way to live.

“I miss him, Ty,” she whispered, admitting it for the very first time.

He rubbed large circles on her back with his hand, and she started to breathe normally again, falling in time with his soothing motions.

“I do too. Every day,” he whispered back. After waiting for her to calm down he asked, “Do you want to go somewhere else?”

She shook her head and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “No, we’re already here. And now I really want a burrito.”

Tyler’s deep chuckle comforted her, and as he grabbed her hand to lead her back, she felt that the storm had passed. They reentered the line, which thankfully, had shortened. They were only a few people away from being served when yet another distraction captured their attention.

“I’m sorry to bother you, but would you mind taking a picture with my daughter?”

This time, Tyler looked at Nicki for permission. It wasn’t like he could say no, so she gave him a slight nod and tried to hold herself together without his reassuring presence. She felt slightly pathetic for barely being able to stand two minutes without him, but she wasn’t going to deny herself the console she needed, either.

As he stood with the young girl, her father readied himself to snap a few pictures. The mother, who’d been the one to ask, stood by Nicki’s side and exchanged a smile with her.

“Sorry to interrupt your lunch,” she said empathetically, “But I think this might have just made my daughter’s entire life.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad that you and your husband acknowledge that he’s an actual human being. Most people don’t.”

The woman laughed light heartedly and nodded her head. “I can only imagine.”

Tyler rejoined them first, followed by the girl and her father. She thanked Tyler for the picture and the father shook his hand.

“It was nice meeting you,” the mother said to Nicki. “You look great, by the way. I don’t know how all of you celebrity wives stay in such great shape after giving birth.”

Before she could even produce any tears, Tyler’s arm was around her waist and carrying her out of the restaurant. She tried to stay silent as she cried, hoping that she wouldn’t draw any more attention to herself. There wasn’t a single word said as they bee lined to the car.

Nicki reached for the handle to her door, but was stopped by Tyler wrapping himself around her.

“Babe, I am so sorry.”

When he pulled away from her, she lost it. Only minutes ago she thought she had conquered her obstacles for the day. It sickened her to think of how wrong she’d been. She started to heave as the cries increased in intensity, and in seconds Tyler had her face in his hands.

“Look at me,” he said sternly. “Nicki, look at me.”

She raised her eyes just enough to meet his, but squeezed them shut when another round of sobs wracked her body. Once it stopped, she opened her eyes again and took in Tyler’s worried expression.

“C’mon, you know what to do,” he encouraged.

Nicki waited for him to take the first breath before she copied him. It didn’t come easily, as her brain was still running the clip of what that woman had said on repeat. Eventually, the tightness in her chest subsided. Tyler’s lips pressed against her forehead, which had become sweaty from the exertion.

“That’s my girl.”

She looked straight into his warm, brown eyes and managed to smile.

“I like that,” she muttered.

Tyler matched her with a smile of his own. He placed a single finger underneath her chin and tilted her head up to meet his lips. She tasted him mixed with her salty tears and let out a long breath through her nose. The taste had become so familiar to her that it actually grew to be a sort of comfort.

He pulled her closer and said, “Good. You are my girl. No matter what happens, you always will be.”

Nicki giggled softly and looked up at him. “You really know how to make me feel better.”

“That’s my job,” he said, with more than a hint of pride in his voice. “Now get in the car. I hope you aren’t too hungry, we have a little bit of a drive ahead of us.”

** * * * *

“I really don’t deserve you,” Nicki said, shaking her head. “To be honest, I don’t think anyone does.”

She was in utter disbelief as Tyler turned off of the highway and onto the main road of one of her favorite places in the entire world. As they passed the sign that read “Welcome to Ogunquit”, her heart nearly dropped out of her chest.

“I think this is the nicest thing you’ve ever done for me.”

Tyler’s mouth pulled into a grin, but he kept his eyes on the road, allowing Nicki to gape at his flawless profile.

“What? No one’s ever driven you to Maine to take you to one of your favorite restaurants just to cheer you up? I’m shocked.”

“Ty,” she warned, “Don’t you ruin this by being all sarcastic.”

“I can’t believe you think I’m sarcastic,” he said, sarcastically.

“You’re a dick.”

“You like it.”

Nicki sighed overdramatically. “You’re right, I do.”

She earned another smile from Tyler, and it nearly knocked the wind out of her. There was no denying it; he was beautiful. Bad playoff beard and all, he sincerely belonged in a museum. Such genetic perfection was so rare, Nicki honestly considered him a blessing.

Without hesitation, her mind instantly went to a dark place. Those faultless genes would more than likely be put to waste.

“You’re quiet,” Tyler pointed out, his concern plain.

When she opened her mouth to speak, nothing but a small noise came out. Tyler shot a quick glance at her and pulled the car over, to the dismay of a crowd of pedestrians walking in the street.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” he asked frantically.

She came undone quickly and without restraint.

“I can’t,” she choked out, “I can’t stop thinking about it.”

Tyler leaned across the car and locked his arms around her. Catching her off guard, he pulled her across the center console and into his lap. She had never appreciated his heavily tinted windows more than at that very moment.

“Nicki, it’s gonna be okay. I promise.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because. It doesn’t matter what happens from here on out. I have everything I need right here,” he said, running a hand through her hair. “Anything else is just a bonus.”

“I don’t understand how you can be so okay with this,” she whispered, burying her head in his neck and covering it with tears.

“I’m gonna be real honest with you right now. Obviously I would love to have children with you. But you alone are more than I ever thought I would have,” he said quietly, into her ear. “I always figured I’d end up with some gorgeous girl who couldn’t give a rat’s ass about me. I assumed I’d only get married to legitimize some kid, and would end up getting divorced and robbed for all I’m worth. Babe, I am already so lucky to have someone like you love me for nothing besides myself. So yeah, I’m okay with it. I’ll take what I can get, and won’t ask for anything more.”

Nicki pondered over everything he’d just said to her. It wasn’t often that he opened up to her, and she especially hadn’t been expecting it after getting his emotions ripped out of him by their therapist earlier. He knew how badly she needed to hear that, and he’d pushed aside his pride and given her what she needed. And it was time she did the same for him.

“You know Ty, you’re right. I guess it is a little selfish to ask for so much. You are really, really amazing.”

Tyler squeezed her lightly and planted a kiss on the top of her head.

“Aww, thanks babe,” he said in a way that made Nicki laugh into his shoulder. “I’m gonna give you five more minutes, and then I’m dragging you to this restaurant. I. Am. Starving.”

Nicki lifted her head so that her face was inches from his. “Well, I only know one way to cheer me up that quickly.”

“Are you kidding me?! Here?!” he asked, eyes darting across her face in confusion.

She flashed a toothy smile and whispered, “Just kiss me, already.”

When Tyler closed the space between them, she felt his smile against hers, and entered a state of pure bliss. She was taken back to their wedding, to their first kiss as husband and wife. It had been one not so different from the one they shared now, with just as much passion and twice the amount of hope. Nicki felt herself weaken in his arms, exerting every ounce of energy she had into the kiss. She ran her tongue along his plump bottom lip, and could feel him shiver as she did. He returned the favor, and laughed into her mouth as she trembled.

“I can’t believe after all this time you can still drive me crazy with a kiss,” he said softly, his lips just millimeters away from hers still. He gave her a gentle peck before leaning back into his chair. “I figured by now it would take a hell of a lot more than that.”

Nicki climbed off of him and awkwardly spilled back into her seat.

“Nah, about three years ago I realized that I’m never going to get used to it,” she said, grinning.

“It’s good to see you smiling again,” said Tyler, reaching across the car to stroke her cheek with his thumb. Nicki leaned into his touch, and would have been more than happy to stay that way forever. “Now please, can we eat?!”

** * * * *

“How was your salmon?” Tyler asked.

“Not as good as yours,” she responded, smiling up at him. “And not nearly as good as this ice cream.”

To finish off her reply, she held his gaze while giving her cone a long, seductive lick. Tyler bit down on his lip, and little did he know, he pained her more than she had him. Her plans to tease him always managed to backfire, and this was no exception.

“I hate you so much.”

Nicki looked down at the wet sand that swallowed her toes every time she took a step, before glancing up at Tyler through her eyelashes, something she knew drove him wild.

“Why don’t you show me how much?” she said in the most naturally raspy voice she could, in a feeble attempt to provoke him. Since their kiss in the car, she had been aching for him, and was only going to become more aggressive the longer he denied her.

For a while, Tyler remained absolutely silent.

“You know what?”

“What?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I will.”

Nicki could feel her eyes growing wider in her head. There was no way she just heard what she thought she heard.

“Here?” she whispered, the shock keeping her from speaking in a normal tone.

Tyler grabbed her arm, stopping her in her tracks. They both sunk up to their ankles in the sand, entrapping them where they stood. His hands brushed ever so slightly over her curves, before catching her hips in a frighteningly tight grip. Nicki peeled her eyes from his hands on her and got caught in his powerful glare. She’d only seen him that way a number of times, and knew exactly what it meant.

Tomorrow morning, she would wake up bruised and sore.

“Ty, there’s people around,” she muttered.

Normally, she wasn’t one to care. But there weren’t just a few scattered bodies. The beach was almost halfway full, mostly with couples like themselves enjoying the sunset and the beautiful late spring evening.

His eyes left hers and travelled to their right, towards the buildings that rimmed the beach. It took her a moment, but she soon noticed the sign for the hotel, just paces up the shore.

“We have the appointment at eleven,” she reminded him.

“We’ll get up early.”

“But Marshall, - “

“We’ll call your dad,” he responded hurriedly.

Without giving her the chance to protest, Tyler scooped her up and high tailed it to the grand hotel in front of them. Nicki figured she would enjoy the ride while she could and dropped her head to his shoulder. She simply couldn’t resist the urge to leave a trail of kisses up and down his neck, giggling at the soft groans that came from deep within his throat. Before they had to face other people, Nicki took the opportunity to pull his skin into her mouth, biting down just enough for him to feel.

“Don’t fuck with me right now,” he ordered gruffly, sending a chill all the way down her spine.

So often Nicki was the one in charge. When Tyler took over, it sent her entire system into overdrive. She still dreamed of the few times he’d been as aggressive as he was now, and prayed that he would do his worst. Although she adored the romanticism and the love and the affection that normally accompanied their rendezvous, nothing could compete with the way he made her feel when he was revved up. He became animalistic, and the raw power that his body emitted excited her beyond comparison.

Once they were inside of the hotel, he set her down and walked quickly to the front desk, with a mission in mind. He was back what seemed like only seconds later with a room key and a driven, serious expression plastered onto his gorgeous face. It physically knocked her back a couple of steps, and her breaths became short. How that flawless man in front of her could want her so badly, she would never, ever know.

Tyler grabbed her by the elbow, being careful not to seem too forceful to the people walking the halls around them. She wanted to tell him to be rougher, to not hold anything back. The thrill of being rough handled by someone who was normally so gentle coursed through her, causing every appendage to pulsate.

After what seemed like an eternity of anticipation, he stopped her in front of a door and inserted the old fashioned key into its lock. In the blink of an eye, she was in the room, being thrown onto the large bed in the center of it. The curtains were wide open, showcasing a picturesque view of the beach. Tyler shut them in one strong pull, exciting Nicki even further.

She kept her eyes glued to his as he climbed on top of her, using his hands to pin her arms above her head. Tyler flashed her a devilish smirk and leaned in slowly, his anxious breath hot on her face. Nicki felt like a fool for expecting a kiss, and moaned as he pulled at her bottom lip with his teeth. She guessed he’d done it to distract her from his real purpose, as she realized much too late that her shorts were unbuttoned and unzipped.

His fingers on her were rough and careless, and she was ready for him the second he started. In a last attempt to get her going, Tyler buried his face in the crevice of her neck, furiously biting, sucking, and licking. Her moans grew louder, begging him to take her. There was no need for all of the fooling around, and to let him know, she bucked her hips against his hand. She felt, not heard, the groan that slipped from his mouth, and felt satisfied with her effort.

Hoping to move things along, Nicki tugged at the button to his jeans, skillfully getting them halfway off with a single hand. Tyler appeared to have received her message, as every rag that had once covered them lay strewn across the floor in an instant.

He assaulted her with his lips and continued to hold her down with his strong, commanding hands.

“Are you gonna do this or what?” she challenged.

Tyler glared at her, and the hunger in his eyes was unrivaled. She didn’t know what had brought it on, and couldn’t have cared any less. Her heart was beating at ten times its normal rate, thumping hard against her ribcage. He seemed to notice her heaving chest, and tilted his head, as if something about it had just changed his thoughts.

Without warning, he lifted one of her legs over his shoulder and used both hands to pull her across the bed, directly to him. He used one hand to hold her leg in place and the other to guide himself to his destination. Nicki watched his every movement, the fire in her gut burning with lust. The second she felt him fill her, she let out a long, high pitched whimper. When he started to thrust, she screamed.

“Holy shit Ty!” she shouted as her back arched underneath her.

After prying open her eyes, which she had unknowingly squeezed shut, she looked up at him, hoping for some kind of response to her exclamation. What she was faced with would be stuck in her brain for as long as she lived. His head was lolled back, and his mouth wide open, letting out groan after groan. No wonder he hadn’t said anything back.

Nicki chose to do the only logical thing she could think of and observed the way each and every one of his powerful muscles moved as he did everything he could to tear her apart. Another scream pushed its way from her lips, and she let it. What he was doing deserved nothing short of the loudest shriek she could muster.

Tyler’s grip on her leg tightened, to the point where she was in pain. Somehow, it only added to the pleasure, and she felt herself starting to come undone. He could sense it, too, and gently touched his lips to the ankle that was positioned next to his face. The combination of his soft lips on her skin and his harsh, unforgiving thrusts sent her plummeting over the edge. Her muscles clenched for what felt like hours, before she finally went involuntarily limp. Moments later, Tyler finally got the best of himself and let out, without a doubt, the loudest noise she’d ever heard him make. It was a pleading, desperate sound, and was music to her ears.

He released his hold on her leg and let it fall to the bed before sprawling himself out on top of her. Nicki wrapped an arm around his back and used her other hand to affectionately tousle his hair, the way she always did after he worked that hard to satisfy her.

When his breath against her neck slowed she asked, “Where the fuck did you learn that?”

She felt him shaking, and dropped her head to look at him. As it turned out, he was laughing.

“Remember that magazine you were making fun of me for reading? Yeah, well, you’re welcome.”

Nicki let out a long breath, still trying to find her bearings.

“Tyler, I don’t even know what to say. You actually blew my mind.”

Another chuckle rang through her ears. “The therapist said to try something new, right?”

Finally, she laughed with him. “Should we write about this in our journal?”

“Probably not,” he said, brushing his lips along her jaw.

She shuddered, still unbearably sensitive. Tyler’s warm, heavy body on top of hers was nearly as heavenly as the way he’d just handled her.

“I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to thank you for all of this, Ty.”

He nestled his face back into her neck, and her heart nearly stopped beating.

“Mmm, you don’t have to,” he said sleepily, followed by a yawn. “Let’s just… go to sleep.”

Nicki giggled and continued to sift her fingers through his soft, unruly hair. He had been so full of energy just twenty minutes ago. She found it adorable how quickly he managed to tucker himself out, and basked in the way it felt to hold him as he drifted off to sleep.

She hated herself beyond forgiveness for nearly giving all of that up. There was nothing in the world, not even the ability to have children, that she would trade that moment for.