My Knight in Shining Armor

Val is still grinning at the two, who share a look. Patrick steps forward and flashes Val a sweet smile and pats him on the shoulder. Jonathan rolls his eyes.

“Oh what fresh hell is this?” Jonathan grumbles.

“Valeri Land. I tell you already.”

“Yeah, yeah, I got that, but why?” Jonathan presses.

“Jonathan!” Patrick scolds, sending him a sharp, stern glare. “Be nice to little Valeri, he has taken us to a nice stopping place for the night and we should be grateful to him. We don’t have to sleep on the forest floor now.”

“Well, excuse me Prince Patrick for being a bit skeptical of my squire!”

“I think it’s a wonderful land,” Patrick continues, buttering Val up.

Jonathan heaves a sigh. “Alright, give us the tour of “Valeri Land”, Val.”

Val nods. “It fun place! My parents here!!”

“Your parents are here?” Patrick comments. “Oh, I’d love to meet them, right Jonny? Wouldn’t you love to meet Val’s parents?”

“No.”

“Jonny,” Patrick stomps his foot on the grassy ground and puts his hands on his hips and gives a fierce look to the knight.

“Fine. Russians.”

They follow Val into the village and come to a small hut place, Patrick more cheery than Jonathan. Val knocks on the wooden door. “Mama, Papa, it Valeri! Uh, Это Валерий! Откройте! (It’s Valeri! Open up!)”

After a few minutes, the door swings open. A woman screams and arms surround Val in a massive bear hug.

“О, мой сын! Мой сын! (Oh, my son! My son!)” she exclaims.

“Мама, ты делаешь мне больно. Не могу дышать. (Mom, you're hurting me. Can't breathe.)”

Patrick looks at Jonathan, who has his arms folded over his chest. He isn’t exactly amused. Patrick shakes his head. He turns back and sees that Val and his mom have parted. Val’s mom is holding her son’s hands in her own and looking at Patrick and Jonathan behind him. Patrick steps forward, grinning.

“Hi there, I’m Patrick Timothy Kane Jr. of Valencia, what a lovely village you have here,” the blond introduces.

Val’s mom cocks her head in interest. She leans toward Val, “Английского языка? Вы принесли американцев в Валери Земле? (English speakers? You brought Americans into Valeri Land?)”

“Да. Они друзья. Патрик Тимоти Кейн младший из Валенсии и мой оруженосец, Вы знаете, Джонатан Toews. (Yes. They are friends. Patrick Timothy Kane Jr. of Valencia and my squire, you know, Jonathan Toews.)”

Patrick steps back to Jonathan. “Any idea what they are saying?”

“Not a clue.”

“But Val’s YOUR squire, so you must know Russian?”

“Never needed to or cared to.”

“Gosh, you are such a stick in the mud! It’s a wonder and miracle that anyone had a mind to fall in love with you!”

“Well, Prince Patrick, maybe I care about Tyler.”

Patrick smacks him on the arm and then steps forward again and holds his hand out, generously.

“So, this is your, um, “wife” right?” Val’s mom asks, shaking Patrick’s hand.

Val shakes his head. He looks at his feet and then up at Patrick, wearing a goofy grin on his face.

“Oh no, miss, Val and I are just friends, but he did save me from this wicked man who tried to rub me. Your son is a good man,” Patrick replies, before Val can.

Val translates to his mom, who seems to know and understand a little bit of English. But Patrick has thrown a bunch of English words at her. She nods and finally smiles at the young blond prince.

“We don’t have time for this, guys, we have to get onto Valencia, so we can save Tyler and the kingdom!” Jonathan exclaims.

“Relax Jonny, we stay for night and then we continue on in morning. Okay?” Val says.

“Alright,” he steps forward and extends his own hand out. “Jonathan Toews, this man’s--”

“Сквайр. (Squire.)” Val quickly finishes with a smile to his mom.

Val’s mom shakes Jonathan’s hand and then turns and gestures to the interior of the house. “Well, come in, come in, then.”

They follow her inside.

Jonathan halts Val though. “I don’t know Russian, but you told her I was a ‘Knight’, right?”

“Oh, yeah. I tell mom, you ‘Knight’. That’s what ‘Сквайр’ means.”

“Good, good.”

They enter into the tiny, yet comfortably nice living room area of the hut. Val’s dad comes in from the back door and comes forward. He sets a hockey street ball and hockey stick down and comes over.

“Valeri?” he questions.

“Это я, папа. Мы просто посетить. (It is I, dad. We are just visiting.)”

“Добро пожаловать, uh, welcome.” He comes forward and drapes an arm around his son’s shoulders. He leads him back to the front door.

Patrick and Jonathan follow, unsure. They share a look and shrug, as they step back outside.

“Everyone, come see my son, the knight!” Val’s dad exclaims out loud.

“Did he just say what I think he said...Valeri--” Jonathan begins, before other villagers emerge from huts dressed in peasant clothes to welcome Val. Patrick chuckles, while Jonathan gawks at the scene. He soon folds his arms and shakes his head. “Unbelievable! ‘Сквайр’ doesn’t mean ‘knight’...”

“Oh, Jonny, lighten up,” Patrick laughs and skips over to Val and his dad, playing up his innocence.

“No wonder it’s called ‘Valeri Land’!” Jonathan spits.

Val’s mom races out and joins the party.

“Oy, what a knight!” Val’s mom and dad sing out.

“Gather 'round you peasants!” Val’s dad sings.

“Look who's graced us with his presence!” Val’s mom sings.

“What a hero!” one of the male peasants sings out.

“What a mensch!” one of the female peasants sings out.

“Oy, what a knight!” everyone in the village sings.

“Plus the kid's on fire
With a дерьмовый squire!” Val’s dad sings.

“What--? What did he call me?” Jonathan exclaims to Val, who shrugs. “I’m not a squire!”

“And a little shiksa wench!” Val’s mom sings.

“Hey!” Patrick exclaims.

“It mean attractive dear,” Val’s mom clarifies with a smile.

“Oh, thanks.”

“Oy, what a knight!
God, is he to die for,
Any girl would give an eye for
Such a hunk of kosher meat!
Oy, what a knight!” all the female peasants sing, as Val struts by them, playing up his new role as the dashing knight.

“Unbelievable,” Jonathan sighs and rolls his eyes.

“Handsome…” one of the females sings.

“And a charmer!” another one sings.

“Is it true that 'neath that armour—” a third sings.

“Shh, he likes to be discreet,” Patrick sings with a chuckle.

The girls all giggle. Val flashes them a look and blushes bright pink in the face.

“Speaking as his rabbi,
Why am I not surprised?
Our Valeri is the knight who put
The "sir" in "circumcised"!” the village Rabbi sings, as they pass by him.

“Oy, what a knight!” everyone sings.

“So how's the business going?” a male peasant asks, as they come to him.

“You know, jousting, tally-ho-ing,
Saving damsels in distress,” Val sings back, looking at Patrick and the girls with him.

“Oy, what a knight!” everyone in the village sings.

“Oh, did I mention slaying?
I did lots of it, just saying,” Val sings.

“That's our Valeri, the success!” Val’s dad sings.

“Hey!” everyone sings.

“What a gorgeous family,
Your Val can do no wrong.
Who knew he came from such a lovely home?
Of course, I'll be converting,
So I'm sure we'll get along,” Patrick sings.

“Honey, please, you had me at "привет"!” Val’s mom sings.

A few of the village people come up to Jonathan, who is standing to the side annoyed and unamused.

“Oy, what a squire!” everyone sings.

“So tell us 'bout Sir Valeri,” a male peasant sings to Jonathan.

“No,” Jonathan says.

“He saved your life once, didn't he?” Patrick sings with a hard look. He is really having fun with this and with Jonathan’s unhappiness.

“No.”

“So twice?” Patrick sings.

“No.”

“Thrice? Do share,” Patrick sings. He slaps Jonathan on the butt in play.

“Oy, what a knight!” all the male peasants sing.

“Oy, what a--!” all the female peasants sing with the men.

“Didle, deedle, daidle!” everyone sings.

“He's our hero!” all the men sing.

“He's my idol!” the women sing with girly sighs.

“Adored by one and all!” everyone sings.

“You guys!” Val chuckles.

“Oy, yoy, yoy, yoy,
Oy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoy!
Oy, what a knight!
Oy, what a knight! Hey!” everyone sings out.

“Alright, alright that’s enough,” Jonathan explodes. “First of all, I am the Knight here, not Valeri and second of all, when did all of this happen?”

Val’s parents hold onto their son and look at him. The village folk return to their homes. Val motions everyone into the privacy of their hut. Patrick shakes his head and gives Jonathan a look of “see, what you’ve done.”

The door closes to the place and Val faces Jonathan. “You right, Jonny. I sorry, I got carried away, but this Valeri Land, because...Val want feel appreciated somewhere.”

Patrick gives him a sympathetic look.

Jonathan finally sighs. “You know what, Val, I’m sorry for being so stubborn. You are right, I don’t appreciate you enough. I’ll work on that, but you should tell your parents the truth.”

Val nods. “You right. I tell them. But can we still stay here?”

“Yes. But I just want things...clarified…” Jonathan trails off, suddenly realizing how much of a bastard he is being towards his friend. He watches Val turn to his parents wearing a somber look and he is filled with a new feeling. He cares. “Val, Val, don’t--nevermind. You can remain a Knight for your parents and your ‘kingdom’.”

Val spins to him. “Really?”

“Yes. I mean it. You deserve your special ‘Valeri Land’.”

Patrick blinks to the side. He nods to Jonathan and smiles. That warm feeling for the knight comes back to him and his heart flutters in his chest. This caring Jonathan turns him on. Val spins back to his parents and tells them instead about how happy he is to be back and to go easy on Jonathan.

They remain there in the guest rooms. Patrick and Jonathan are stuck together, while Val has his own room. (Val explains as well that he and Patrick aren’t really together. Patrick was acting, so that the village was more impressed.)

Patrick watches Jonathan get undressed and then come to join him in the bed.

“Just because we are sleeping together, doesn’t give you any right to invade my personal space, Sir Jonathan.”

“I wasn’t planning on it, Your Princeliness. Relax.”

“Oh, well...okay,” Patrick looks a little disappointed. He looks down at the covers over him.

Jonathan senses his disappointment and turns to him. He reaches up and pats Patrick on the shoulder. “I have a husband, his name is Tyler Seguin and he is my one true love. I will rescue him.”

“I know.”

“You got nothing to worry about, Patrick.” He gives him a wink and then settles into the bed. “Oh and by the way, never spank me again like that!” He is obviously missing Patrick’s signals.

Patrick chuckles and blushes. “Sorry.”

They both fall asleep.

Notes

Oh man, one ticket to Valeri Land please?!!? XD
Haha, Kazer just too awesome and adorable. Poor Jonny, now he has to go at least a month probably without his blond partner-in-crime.... :( But it's good to know that there was a bunch of Kazer going on recently...and how about Jonny helping him off the ice? What a caring stud! I wonder if Jonny cried himself to sleep or if he will miss Kaner a lot? #Unbreakable Bond
Haters out there, bite me!!!!


Next up: Tyler Almost Escapes Taylor....Almost...