Never Let Go.

‘Kieran’s POV’

“Mom, this is stupid I really don’t want to document how fat I look right now.” I have been arguing with my stubborn mother for the last 45 minutes about maternity pictures as we drive to Houston for Finley’s birthday. My dad keeps his mouth shut and eyes on the road letting the two of us duke it out. I clearly do not want them. Why would I want pictures to commemorate how large I have grown in the last almost 8 months? This is not my body. My body looks good in a bikini, my body does not look like I swallowed a damn basketball. I want my body back, and I am bound and determined to get it back. You know once this child decides to vacate my “sacred vessel”.

But according to my mother I’ll want to look back at this one day and Lennan will want to see them as well. Which I guess is kind of true, I looked at my baby book all the time as a kid and there were tons of pictures of my mom pregnant with both I and Kilian. “Come on Kieran, Jamie agrees with me just do it for us. Do it for Len,” I groan “Do it for Len,” that’s the key to get me to do anything these days. No wonder they say mothers resent their children after they’re born! I’m just kidding, I love that little girl but she sure is a pain in my ass already!

“Fine mom.” I cross my arms over my stomach and stare out the window, “But we are NOT painting my stomach or casting it. That's disgusting..” A grin on her face the woman nods, she has won the battle and is clearly gloating. “I’ll schedule an appointment with Molly for next week.” I shake my head and look at my father, he shrugs like I should know better than to argue with my mother after all these years but hey I like a challenge.

Hours later we finally arrive in Houston for Fin’s second birthday, where in the world has time gone? My sweet little godson has turned into a heathen of a toddler. The terrible two’s hit him hard according to my brother, but I guess it’s just the Irish in him. As soon as we walk in the door we’re bombarded by Fin, “Kiki! Nana! Poppa!” My mom crouches down to his level and picks him up, something I wish I could do but the bump makes it a little difficult.

“Kiki, where’s JJ?” Finley asks as we’re playing with his new toys a while later, all of the excitement finally wore off and he noticed that Jamie was nowhere to be found. “He’s in New York playing hockey buddy, do you wanna call Uncle Jamie? Tell him thank you for the car?” I nod towards the battery operated Ferrari Jamie had insisted that Fin needed for his SECOND birthday.

The toddler nods excitedly climbing into my lap as I pull out my iPhone to FaceTime my husband, it rings a few times before his face appears on the screen. “Hey babe,” he says before realizing its Finley and not me. “JJ!” The boy cheers and Jamie’s face lights up, “hey birthday boy! Did you get lots of presents?” Finley nods and I watch the two interact for a while before Fin gets bored, “Kiki can I go play now?” he turns to me and I nod, “Tell Uncle JJ bye first,” He smiles, “Byeeee, JJ. Luhh you!” Jamie laughs, “Bye buddy, love you too.” Their interaction completely melts my heart as I watch the toddler run off to play some more.

I switch the call from FaceTime to a voice call and tell Jamie that I lost the battle of the maternity pictures. He’s excited as he was pro-pictures until I tell him that if I have to do it he’s taking some with me. Next week is all home games so he’s not getting out of it either. He decides that that is fair before he has to go to team meeting. “I love you babe, good luck tonight kick some Islander ass.” He laughs, “Will do, and I love you more. See you tomorrow.”

Days pass and as promised my mother schedules the dreaded photo shoot, thankfully the woman taking the pictures is an old friend. For mid-May the weather in Dallas has been abnormally wet, leaving us to take most of the pictures in her studio which is fine by me! The less people who see me the better at this point of my pregnancy! I feel like I am going to burst at the seams at almost 8 months, I’m not even sure my skin can stretch anymore! I am more than ready to get Lennan out!!

Molly, the photographer does her best to make me feel comfortable during the shoot. She’s use to dealing with hormonal women apparently, so the day goes fairly smooth. Jamie jumps in on a few shots mostly just standing beside me or kissing my stomach. I had perused Pinterest for hours and had seen a few photos I knew I had to have if we were really going through with this and we did our best to recreate them.

When it was all said and done I guess my mom was right, one day I am going to want to look back on the journey to my daughter. Most likely when she’s a teenager and driving me absolutely crazy, I’ll definitely be reminiscing on the easier days when she lived in my tummy. I find myself thinking about the future a lot lately, what is Lennan going to look like? Will she be red headed, or have Jamie’s doe eyes that make me melt? Will she want to play hockey like daddy, or be as uncoordinated on skates as her mama? There are so many questions for what your child will be like and there are no answers until you watch them grow up in the blink of an eye.

It’s crazy to think as I lay in bed that at the drop of a hat our lives could go from zero to a hundred and we could become parents. Lennan could make her arrival at any minute and that terrifies me, mostly because Jamie could also be gone in the blink of an eye. Hockey waits for no man even if you’re the captain and you’re wife is VERY pregnant, if I go into labor and Jamie’s gone it’s just something I’ll have to get over. We knew this going in that something’s I would have to do alone, even if it was the biggest step.

Notes

Sorry I've been MIA lately! We're getting closer to the birth of baby Benn, and the end of this story! Probably a little more than a handful of chapters left! Comments are appreciated :) xoxo -Ally

Fin's Birthday