Broken Keys

I was dusting in the Malkin’s home theatre thinking back to the other day at the dance school. How hurt Evgeni had looked when I abandoned him for the second time. I had again tried to avoid him as much as possible, which was a hard thing given how close he is to his family. It had gotten to the point that I hid in a linen closet because he and Denis had come upstairs unannounced. I’m being cowardly, that much was clear to me. If I had real bravery I wouldn’t have to keep hiding from him because I was scared to admit the thoughts I’ve hidden from him for all these years.

“Lara?” I set my rag down and realize that I couldn’t have run around him forever. I slowly turn around and see him standing in the door. He quickly closes it and stands before it making it clear that I can’t run out on him again.
“Just tell me why Lara.” He prompted and I bit my lip, I’ve kept everything hidden for so long everything I didn’t even want to admit to myself. “Please?” He asks softly.

“This life Zhenya its…” I drawl off unsure of how to tell him. “Its not fair.” I say simply, “I’ve just been childish about all of this, everything you’ve been able to do, everything I haven’t been able to.” Once I start talking I cannot stop, I remember my mother once said when you try to stop water from coming out of a faucet it just rushes out faster when it’s released.

I tell him about how angry at myself I was for my mistakes, how I had not listened to my family and friends even though I knew I should have. That for some strange reason I had wanted to blame him for everything. That he was able to achieve his dreams while I was here.

“I’m sorry Zhenya.” I whisper and grab my rag again, hoping that he will let me leave the room.

“Larissa just wait.” He tells me and I pause. “You can’t keep thinking you ruined your life, how would Katerina feel if she ever knew?” He says and I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach, but I know that he is right.

“I was supposed to do all these great things.” I sigh and he steps forward, placing a hand on my shoulder.

“You have Lara, do you know how many other girls like Katerina are living on the streets? How many of them are trapped in orphanages? You love her, she knows you love her. You’ve given her so much by being here.”

“You dont know what its like though.To be sharing a room with your daughter because you can’t afford a bigger home. Relying on your sister to care for your child, thinking that pretty soon Auntie Nadia is going to be thought of as more of a mother than you are.” I tell him my voice cracks and my eyes burn.

“I’m not Larissa anymore I’m that Pertrenko girl, and they always think less of her because of me. “ Evgeni looks down at me and his face softens, his dark eyes seem warm instead of the often intense gaze.

“No crying now, you're not supposed to cry.” He mumbles and I blink back the tears before wiping one that had rolled down my cheek. “You’re always Larissa to me.” He states, gently he takes my hand and I feel myself tingle.

“Anybody who looks down on Katerina should talk to me. When they say bad things about you, tell me and I’ll make sure they never do again.” His declaration almost makes me laugh, once again I had my old protector ready to fight anyone who hurt me.

“I’m sorry about all this.” I tell him and he shrugs

“I just want you to be happy Lara, I just want to be your friend again. Be like how we were before Pavel.” A friend, I couldn’t think of the last time I really had one. Most of my friends had left the same time that Katerina was born. Not many of them wanted to be friends with the Pertrenko girl.

“Are you going to punch boys who pull my hair?” I tease, feeling better than I had since he came home. Evgeni gives me a lopsided grin, one that manages to make me smile as well. “I will always punch boys who hurt you Lara.”


0000
I’m about to leave the house when I again run into Evgeni. “Mama was saying that you were going to go visit Sasha today.” He tells me and immediately I feel my stomach drop. Evgeni seems uncomfortable and I know what e wants to ask me. “Come with me Zhenya.” I simply state and he nods.

0000 We sit side by side looking at the headstone.

Alexander Valentinovich Pertrenko March 10th 1984-September 15th 2008

“I just want to say.” Evgeni starts but I stop him.

“You couldn't have done anything Evgeni, he chose to get in the car that night.”

“I should have stopped him, I could have stopped him.”

“Did Sasha ever do something he didn’t want to? “ I mention and Evgeni looks down at the grass.

The middle of the night, waking up to find an officer at the door. Telling us that Sasha was killed driving home drunk a few hours before. Mama’s tears and cries at what had happened. Losing her only son to a stupid choice and a bottle of vodka.

“I remember how he would always drag you around with him, everywhere he went you were hot on his heels.”Evgeni tells me and I feel a small smile creep up on my face. Running after Sasha, falling over at the ice rink because I wanted to play hockey like him, forgetting that I was half the size of everyone else. How he would bulldoze anyone in my path so I could get a goal.

“When I got pregnant, Mama freaked out. She started screaming at me and told me to leave. He told me that he would never leave me, that he wouldn’t blame me like she had. He still loved me despite what had happened.”

We fall into silence once again. My eyes begin to burn as the tears leak out of them. Evgeni notices them and wraps his arm around my shoulders. I lean into him and rest my head on his shoulder, catching a whiff of his cologne.

“I missed you Lara.” He mumbles and I sniff. I missed him too, all these years making myself feel so uncomfortable about him. Forgetting how close we had been when we were young.

“I missed you too Zhenya.” I whisper back.

000
I sit on the couch with Katerina leaning against me. The little TV is playing a recording of her favorite movie and I don't care that it was the hundredth time I had seen it. Since my conversation with Evgeni I feel like a major weight has been lifted off me. It still hurts looking at how things are right now, what we have to do to scrape by. But admitting everything made it seem like it wasn’t so bad. We were much better off than most, we had this apartment, we always put something on the table and most of all I knew that my daughter was loved.

Something with Evgeni has changed as well. The way his hand had held mine, how his voice had changed, his eyes soft and warm. The tingle that had run through me when he held my hand.Than at the cemetery wrapping his arm around me and resting my head on his shoulder. That somehow dispite my grief over Sasha I felt more at peace sitting their with him than I had in months. When he dropped me off at the apartment once again, how his eyes lingered on me. His gaze that made my stomach flip.

It was silly for me to think anything of it, Evgeni had always been good to his friends. He was one to stay by them and give support when they needed it most, that was what he had done with me today.

Notes