Why Are You So Obsessed With Me?

Dear journal,
I am sorry that I haven’t been writing to you for a couple of months now. I know your saying that I was going to be here for only 60 days but I ask my doctor if I could stay longer since I am not ready to go back to Pittsburgh or Brandon. My head hasn’t been in the right place for a wile now since Brandon couldn’t see me when he was down here. I miss the way he holds me when we are watching tv or sleeping. I haven’t even kept up with the penguins since I can’t go online. It’s hard for me to know if I am still in love with Brandon. Or that it was just a summer crush. I have no idea at this point, I did kept my word that I wasn’t going to call him for a while. He tired to call me back but I disconnect the phone from the wall. Dr.Burton told me that I shouldn’t take this out at him……

“I need him and that the fact he promise me that he was going to see me. He lied to me.”
“Things happen for a reason and so there had to be a reason why he couldn’t met you.”
“Yeah because he’s embarrassing and disappointment of me being in here.”
“No he isn’t Tyler, he’s proud of you that your taking the right path. What did you do after the talk with Brandon?”
"Right after I yelled at Brandon on the phone, I was suppose to be in a group meeting to talk about how we feel and all that crap. During the whole meeting I was quiet, not a sound coming out of my mouth. I didn’t want to be here in the group, I wanted to be by myself and hoping that I will get these through at this point. I want someone that I have close to talk about. I can’t trust people any more.”
“Well Jane is coming down tomorrow so are you happy about that?”
“A little but yet I don’t know if she has been talking to Brandon since I have been here.”
“Well you will find out tomorrow.” Dr.Burton looked down at her watching and write something down.
“So it looks like your time is up, see you on Friday.” When I walked outside to feel the sun. It was a great day even thou I wanted it to rain. Walking down to the beach I see that there was someone there throwing rocks into the beach. I took off my shoes, it’s been a while since I touch sand. I love how the sand can mold to my feet, it was warm and soft. Touching the sand between my toes, I couldn’t get the picture out of my mind when the last time I tough sand. The tough of Hunter’s fingers, the force he put on him and my salty tears covering my face.

“What a beautiful day isn’t it?” I man standing next to me smiled. Taking me out of my thoughts of last night. I nodded my head. He was taller than me.
“My name is Ian. What are you in here for?”
“Drugs and suicide, you?”
“Sex and drugs, I know right but my ex wife though it was too much when I spend 300 dollars on porn every week. 500 dollars for crack.” He laugh under his breath. There was something in his voice that caught her ear.
“Your not around here aren’t you?”
“Nope, I am from the heart of New Orleans. God I miss that place.”
“What’s it like, in New Orleans?”
“It’s the most amazing place that came into this great earth. The day it’s ok but when night comes upon the life of New Orleans you change with the city. That’s where I met my ex wife, from too many shots and lots of beads. You know what I mean. I lost everything from the divorce but yet she wanted me to do this for the kids.”
“Kids?”
“Twins they are 2 years old, Gabby and Landon. They look just like their mother. I don’t think they are back in New Orleans.”
“What’s your ex’s name.”
“Emily. She looks kinda like you. Enough about me what about you. Who are you?”
“Tyler, living in Pittsburgh and I don’t know if I am still with my boyfriend or not.”
“And why is that?”
“He promise me that he was coming to see me, but that was two months ago and he still hasn’t shown up yet.”
“Where did you met your boyfriend?”
“Here in North Carolina, at a beach party I told him what I was down there to get away from a stalker. He promise me that he will protect me but then my stalker raped me on the beach right in front of his beach house.” The look on Ian’s face told me everything. He felt sorry for me.
“Don’t feel sorry for me, I have seen that face for over a year now and I am sick of people giving me that look.”
“Sorry but wow, I am sorry about that. You should never go through that, never. No one shouldn't go through it. Don’t care if your pretty or ugly we are all human inside no matter what. Do you think that your boyfriend will ever see you?”
“I don’t know. He’s been telling me promises and yet he hasn’t kept to his word.” I move my feet a little and I flinch when I could hear Hunter voice telling me he’s been waiting for a long time for this.
“Well is he tall, brown hair and looks really skinny?” I gave him a question look till I see his body looking at something behind us. When I turn around I see Brandon standing in front of us, in front of me.
“Well he might kept his word on this one thou."
“It was good to met you Ian. I will see you around.” I grab my shoes and walked down more into the beach. Once away from rehab center. I still can see Brandon still following me.
“Tyler, please stop walking and let’s talk.” I did want he told me to do. He was in front of me now and I could see that he was worried about me.
“I heard that you ask your doctor that you wanted to stay longer. Is that true?” I didn’t say anything because the only thing that was coming out were tears. The pain I put both of us on and on me the most part.
“Please I want to hear your voice, I miss you completely and the fact you want to stay down here more is telling me that you don’t love me anymore.” I couldn’t believe that he thinks of that way. dropping my shoes on the sand and grabbing a hand full of sand and threw it at him.
“What was that for?!” I pick up another hand full but I didn’t do anything about it. Hr grab a hold of my hands and put them on my sides.
“I did that because I am upset and I don’t know how I am going to deal with everything outside of this place. I know that today was going to be my last day but when my feet touch this.” I shoes him the rest of the sand in my hands. I think he knew why I was showing him the sand.
"I could think of what happen to me close to a year now. Why did you come here?”
“I was going to pick up and talk to you about what happen on the phone. But when I came here and they told me that you request that you needed another month I couldn’t believe it at all. Please just tell me one thing? Are you still inlove with me.” Am I? I haven’t had anyone touch me, tell me that they love or kiss me.”
“I don’t remember what love is anyway.” Brandon laugh a little.
“What?”
“That’s the worst thing I ever heard coming from your mouth. I know that you love to write, love to read books outside to hear the waves. You love it when I hold you when we sleep or watch TV. Being away for two months and now you don’t remember what love is.” I threw the sand at him again.
“Why are you throwing sand at me?”
“Because I am mad at you because you are not keeping your word at all. You promise me that you will keep me safe from Hunter. Once again and some how Hunter didn’t touch me but he ruined our relationship. Deep down I just wanted to make sure-“
“That he didn’t take his life away because of you.How many times are you going to keep saying that? It’s like beating a dead horse with you about Hunter wanted to take his life away. I know because you and Jane told me over and over for the past 2 months.”
“Wait your seeing Jane while I am here?”
“No, not like that, Jane has been coming to the games and I think she has a thing for Robert right now.”
“Jane hasn’t told me about her and Robert. Or that I haven’t pick up the phone in the last two months.”
“What would make you change your mind to come home early? Go see Dr.Cooper. I will even drive you to your appointments.” How did he knew about Dr.Cooper?
“I don’t know.” He let out his breath and pulled out his hair.
“Ok, how about this. I know that Jane said that she was coming down here to grab your things but since you are going to be down here more. Just think about is for one day and if your ready then you can leave with Jane. Is that OK with you?” I will have 24 hours to think if I need to be here for not.
“No matter what you choose I will still be there for you no matter what.” He kiss my forehead and walked away. He knew that I wasn’t going to give him the answer right here on the spot.
“Sure I leave?” I ask my self under my breath.

Notes