All Hands on Deck

Tessa napped for a while, fitfully, rolling over too many times and annoying Nova Blue until he abandoned the bed and went to sleep in her closet. She vacillated between refusing to cry and fuming anger until she realized she would never rest until she could figure this out, get some kind of clarity, calm down. She needed to talk to someone outside the situation, someone neutral, someone rational. So, she called her mother.

Answering on the first ring, the slightly Texan accent faded after years on the east coast warmed Tessa’s heart. “Hello, my lovely.”

“Hey, mama.”

“What’s wrong?”

Tessa choked on a sob and finally, after fighting them for hours, she let her tears flow freely. And it felt wonderfully cathartic. “God, everything.”

“Oh, my sweet girl. Tell me what happened.”

Tessa recited the day’s events while sniffling, wiping her eyes with the sheet, and her mother just listened, not saying much other than encouraging her to continue. Then, Tessa got to the heart of the matter. “I mean that’s all bad enough, but you remember that guy I told you I was seeing, Patrick?”

“Yeah, the lawyer, right?”

“Yeah, I told him I’d be willing to look for a job in Pittsburgh. So I could stay here with him.”

Her mother sounded taken aback. “Why? There’s no hockey job for you there now.”

“I know, I know. The thing is, I only said it because I knew he wouldn’t let me, because I knew he’d make me leave because he knows I love working for hockey teams.”

“That doesn’t sound like you, Contessa, you speak your mind. You sure you didn’t mean it?”

Had she? Had she meant that she would give up the chance to work for another team to take some garbage job in a strip mall? She didn’t think so, but her mother was right, she rarely said anything she didn’t mean. Tessa’s tears had ebbed, but now she just wanted to scream. She pressed the palm of her hand against her forehead as if that would force her brain to form a linear thought. “I don’t know, I really don’t. I love being here with him, he’s incredible and we’re…mama, we’re so good together. But at the same time I miss Reading and being closer to you and I love hockey. I want to stay, I want to go, I want to have my cake and eat it, too.”

“You want to know what I think, honestly?”

“Yes, please.”

“If that’s the way you feel, maybe you should stay, at least for a little while.”

Tessa was shocked; that was not the advice she was expecting to hear from her mother and it was very unhelpful, to be honest. “Why would you say that? I’ve been working towards a permanent position in the NHL for years and that’s not going to happen in Pittsburgh anytime soon, but you’re telling me I should stay here. I should give it all up…for some guy?”

“If it were just some guy, I’d never let you do that, but you clearly have very real feelings for him. Am I right?”

She had to admit that her mother wasn’t off the mark. “Yes, I do. I’m happy with him and I feel like I would be for a long time. I want things to work with us, even though it’s a shit situation, I want to make the effort.”

“Then you should have that, you deserve it. There are more important things in life than your career and being happy is one of them.”

Tessa scoffed. “Not to be a jerk, but that’s pretty rich coming from you.”

“I work too much, I know I do and I also know that’s why your dad left, because I was never home. You don’t think I regret that? You don’t think I wish I could have those years back, to see you more, spend more time with your dad? I loved him very deeply, Contessa, and I know that I drove him away. And that still hurts.”

Tears threatened again. “Mama, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean -”

“It doesn’t matter. What I’m saying to you is this, work can be fulfilling, especially what you do, but the people you have around you are important, too. We all make decisions everyday about what ranks higher, but you can’t have it all, something has to give.”

“I know I can’t, but me and Patrick aren’t like you and dad. I’m not ready to throw it all away, gamble everything on him. And besides, I don’t even know if he would want me to. Maybe he’s telling me to leave because things are moving too quickly. I mean, we’ve only known each other a few months, maybe I’ve gotten too attached and he wants some space.”

“You honestly think he doesn’t want you to stay? Or are you too scared to accept the fact that he’s telling you to leave because he knows it’s best for you? Because I can tell you, putting someone’s interests above your own, willingly separating yourself from someone you care about so they can pursue their dream, that’s serious, that’s a relationship, that’s something like love.”

Tessa physically cringed. “Oh, God, please don’t say that word to me, I can’t have anything else rattling around in my brain right now. Especially when I shouldn’t be struggling with this at all, I know what I need to do, I need to leave Pittsburgh, find a new job, try to make a long distance thing work as long as we can and if things fall apart…”

“Maybe. You’re a grown up and you need to face reality. He could be in love with you. You -”
“No, I can’t even consider that as an option.”

“You don’t always have a choice in the matter, look at me and your dad. No one could have imaged that we would have ended up together, but we just worked.”

“I’m not saying he’s the wrong sort of guy for me to love, I’m saying things are complicated enough without thinking about whether or not I could be in love with a man I, quite literally, only just met and also one who is already making this decision harder than it should be.”

“I hate to tell you this, but if you love him the decision is simple. You should stay.”

Tessa could take solace in one thing at least. “Then I must not love him because nothing about this is simple.”

“Alright, then make it simple. Go back to Reading or home to Philly tomorrow, put some distance between you guys. You can regroup, look for another job and if you still feel the same way even separated by miles, then maybe you can think about going back, making a sacrifice, maybe even consider the possibility of love.”

“Ugh, why are you doing this to me? I called you for clarity, not more questions.”

“I do it because you’re my kid and I want you to experience a great love that you’d move mountains for.”

Tessa had to smile. “A great love, huh? What happened to the woman who told me when I was in college that men are temporary distractions, but hard work is always worthwhile?”

“Things change. I’m getting older, so are you. We don’t have much time in our lives. So, tell me, are you happy in Pittsburgh with him?”

Tessa’s response was quiet, given almost unwillingly. “Yes, ridiculously happy.”

“Good, I’m glad for that. Now, ask yourself if you’d be as happy if you got a permanent position with another team. You’ve had a taste of it and I know you love it. The job makes you happy?”

Tessa grinned, remembering that this was the dream she had had since forever and her time with the Pens had only reinforced her passion for the work, for the sport. “Yeah, mama, that would make me really happy, too, even if I was separated from Patrick to get it.”

“Then think of this way, you’re incredibly lucky, no matter what you do, no matter where you go, you’re going to be happy. And I think that has less to do with the situation and more to do with who you are. You want me to be the voice of reason? Ok, here it is and it’s the last thing I’m going to say on the matter. You’re bursting with joy and love, Contessa, always have been and that’s never going to change. If you stay, you’d find happiness, if you leave, you’ll still find happiness, because it’s from within you, not because of where you are or who you’re with or what you’re doing. Forget the consequences or what you think you should do, do whatever feels right, because when the smoke clears, I know you’ll be joyful, no matter what.”

“Damn, mama, you’re gonna make me cry again.”

“Well, knock it off. You’re a literal ray of sunshine and you need to do whatever it is that’s going to get you back to that, ok?”

Tessa let out a laugh. “You’re right. I hate that I’ve been so sad about this. I just need to shake it off.”

“You do, because the world is yours, the hardest part is just deciding what piece you’re going to claim. And the really great thing is, you can always change your mind and try something else. Leave for a while, or stay there, take a few days, a couple weeks, if you need money in the interim, you know I’ll help. If you leave and want to go back, do it. If you stay and want to leave, nothing’s holding you back but you’re own fear, yeah?”

“Yeah…I know. And you know you’re the absolute best, queen of my world, a goddess and I love you.”

“Flatterer. I love you, my lovely girl. Kiss your kitten for me and call if you need anything.”

“Always. Bye, mama.”

“Bye, honey.”

Tessa tossed her phone aside and dug Nova Blue out of the closet, snuggling him under her chin before planting about a dozen kisses on his head. “From your grandma. Ok, my darling boy, we need chocolate, I think. And smiles.” She grinned at his sleepy little face as she toted him into the kitchen. Sometimes nothing is as uplifting as a good cry, a good chat, and some sweets.

Her mother had been helpful after all, after all that love business was put to rest, anyway. Tessa was happy in Pittsburgh, but she could be happy somewhere else, too. Even if it meant being away from Sidney. It would feel hellish to leave him, but she already knew the phone sex would be phenomenal. If it was going to be love, if it was going to work out, then it would, she had to believe that. And in a way, she did have a wonderful opportunity to take some time, really figure out her next move.

By the time Sidney made it to her apartment, she felt refreshed and clear headed as she greeted him at the door with a kiss. He seemed surprised at first, but quickly found the stress of the day melting off of him.

“Mmm, God, I need that. Why did you leave right away?”

“I needed time to think and if one more person gave me a pitiful look I was going to punch them.”

Sidney chuckled and walked her backwards toward the bedroom; her attitude, as always was infectious and he was immensely grateful to see her smiling. “You seem in good spirits. Change your mind, happy about leaving me?”

Tessa gave him a sour look. “No, never, but I made a few phone calls and I have good news and bad news.”

The two lied down together after Sidney kicked off his shoes and lost his sweaty t-shirt. Snuggling under the covers, he pulled her close as they created a little nest together. “Tell me the bad news first.”

Tessa laid her head down on the pillow and told him bluntly, “The Royals fired me.”

“What?”

“Apparently a few weeks ago they hired a new girl and everyone thought that someone else was going to call me so no one let me know.”

Sidney propped his head up and looked about as pissed off as she had ever seen him. “I should fucking drive to Reading today and just…what a dick move.”

Tessa smirked at the fact that his feelings reflected her own. “That was my reaction, too. But, fear not, that leads directly into the good news.”

Sidney said hopefully, “You’re gonna let me talk to Jack about keeping you on staff?”

She wagged her finger at him. “Absolutely not. I talked to my mom and told her about everything.”

His eyebrows raised in surprise. “Everything?”

Tessa put his fears to rest. “She thinks you’re a lawyer named Patrick, doesn’t matter, she helped me sort it out. I’m gonna stay in Pittsburgh.” Sidney started to protest, but Tessa continued, “Not permanently and I’m not looking for a job here because I pretty much already know there isn’t one. The thing is, it might take me a while to find another hockey position, especially if I only look in Pennsylvania, which is where I want to stay. Since there’s no team waiting for me in Reading, I decided to just do my job searching from here, so we could keep doing this in person for a little while longer.”

Sidney smiled wide at first, but then frowned. “That’s great news, Tess. You made this awful day instantly better, but I know you miss home. If you want to go to Reading or Philly right away, I don’t blame you. I shouldn’t be the reason you stay here only to be alone most of the time, because you know it’s going to be worse since I’ll be on the road without you.”

Tessa rubbed a thumb across his frown. “I know, I thought about that once I decided to stay. I called my mom back and I’m gonna go home to Philly for a long weekend when you guys head back on the road so I can see her and my friends. And, I also realized, that my loneliness was probably my own fault. I had so many friends in Reading because I went out and made them, so I’m gonna join a book club or a bowling league, something short term. Meet new people, make friends. Plus, I have Nova Blue now, who is basically my shadow.”

Sidney brightened. He did want her stay for as long as possible, but he also wanted her to be happy and it seemed like Tessa had it all figured out. “You thought of everything, cutie, I knew you would.”

“Took me some time, but I think this will work. Don’t you?”

“Yes. I support any plan that means I get to share your bed for a few more weeks.”

He reached for her, but she put a hand on his shoulder. “Me too, but listen, we have to remember this is just a bandage, a temporary delay. Eventually I am going to leave and we should really talk about how it’s going to work. We can’t just keep saying it’s going to be ok. It’s gonna be hard, because I don’t want to walk away from this, but I need you to be positive. I need to stay positive, make the best of things.”

“I agree. Just tell me what you need from me.”

“No more being sad, no more crying in bathrooms or anywhere else. I hate feeling upset, it’s just not me.”

Sidney stroked her hair and smiled. “I know, you’re a little ray of sunshine, it’s one of the many things I adore about you.”

Tessa blushed and nearly glowed with affection for the man who shared her mother’s sentiments without even knowing it. “My mom said the same thing, am I that predictable?”

“You’re that sweet, Tess. Now, how we’re going to defeat sadness?”

“By being grateful for every moment we have. I’m not going to spend our days moping around and crying in your arms, but I don’t want you to think that means I don’t care or that I’m glad to be leaving. If I could wave a wand and fix it so we could all get what we want, I would. I can’t so, I’m going to do what I can do: be happy, enjoy your company, and leave on a high note when the time comes. Deal?”

He was so thankful for her, for this moment, for everything that she was. He had come to her place prepared to wallow, to feel sorry for themselves, even though that was not his first choice of coping strategies. This woman, he thought, was something almost magical in the way she went about living her life.

“You’ve got a deal, Higgins.” He pressed a brief kiss to her lips. “You are so amazing and I’m glad I met you. No matter what I have to do, whatever happens, all I care about is keeping you in my life, one way or another.”

“Me too, Sid. Honestly.”

“Good. Do you wanna be adults and talk about what’s going to happen when you leave? Our plan?”

“Yes. My plan is pretty straightforward, we keep it simple, get together when we can, in between have lots of phone sex and Facetime because I’ll need to see your body.”

Sidney cheekily flipped the comforter off of them. “This body? Why’s that, you don’t like it do you?”

Giggling at him, Tessa caressed her hand down his chest and abs and told him sarcastically, “Really, what’s to like? You could take better care of yourself, Sid, you’re a professional athlete for Christ’s sake.” She squeezed one muscular thigh over his pants and watched his dark gaze run down her own body covered by loose pajama pants and a tank top. She inched closer and his hand found her hip. “I love that look you give me.”

“Mmm, I love your smile. I never wanna see you sad again, Tess.”

At that comment, for a fleeting moment, both of them privately thought about the fact that even though they had just made a pledge to be positive, to enjoy each other, to make it work, the fact remained that no one could ever know about this if Tessa wanted to work for a hockey team. Which meant that no matter how much they cared for each other, no matter how serious things got, their relationship would never be normal, it would always be secret. That alone was a recipe for disaster and sadness. And the closer they got, the more this complication flared to life, becoming harder to ignore.

Neither of the mentioned this and both disregarded the thought almost as soon as it appeared. Sidney came forward to kiss her, erasing negativity with the feel of her smiling mouth against his, her body under his, the compliant noises she made. Tessa clung to him, spread her thighs to give his hips a home, and reveled in the feel of him pressing inside her, determined to find joy in his arms, in every moment they had together.

Notes