All Hands on Deck

The next morning, Tessa got up and took a long hard look at herself in the mirror. Jesus, I’m a fucking mess, she thought. She hadn’t showered in two days so her hair was a greasy, matted clump of awful. Her eyes were bloodshot and sore, making it painful to even blink. Most hurtful of all, though, was that faint mark on the side of her neck, the one Sidney has put there weeks ago and had been so deep and dramatic that her skin still showed signs of it.

That, his possessiveness, his demanding nature, that was made the whole thing impossible to comprehend. He wanted to claim her, mark her, hated when other men even spoke to her, and yet he didn’t want to fight for her. He wasn’t willing to do this with her just because it was would been a little difficult. That’s what hurt the most, the man wanted everything from her, but wasn’t willing to sacrifice anything to keep it.

Disgusted with herself for looking this way and with Sidney for being the cause, she turned on the shower and checked her phone for the first time in days. Sidney hadn’t called or texted and for some reason that pissed her off. She debated about deleting his number, but decided she wasn’t going to be that childish, not just yet anyway.

She saw that Don had called yesterday while she was still wallowing in bed and she checked her messages now.

“Hey, Philly, Don here. Raffl told me you were under the weather and worried about not coming in. It’s all good, don’t sweat it, but if you could make it in for practice tomorrow, me and the boys would appreciate it. 11 a.m., you know where we’ll be. Hope you’re feeling better. I’ll see ya.”

She deleted the message and sat on the closed toilet seat. She really, really didn’t want to start crying again, but her emotions were wildly out of control at this point and she did anyway. At least this time around, it was because she felt so loved. Between Ryan and Raffl and now Don just being there, Tessa felt for the first time since Sidney had left that she was going to be okay. She would survive this, goddamnit, if it was the last thing she ever did.

She wiped away her fresh tears and forced herself to smile. “Fake it ‘til you make it, right?” She looked in the mirror as she said this and almost believed it was possible. “Okay. Higgins. Shower, clothes, breakfast. You can do it.”

Cleaned and put together, Tessa actually did feel better. It’s amazing what washing off the residue of the past few shitty days can do for your attitude. She still didn’t feel like smiling, but she at least didn’t feel like bursting into tears, so that was something.

She came into the kitchen and found Raffl and Ryan making out in front of the open refrigerator. Okay, maybe that would make her burst into tears, being reminded of all the times Sidney had kissed her in the tiny kitchen of her apartment in Pittsburgh. Oh, God. The apartment she had left decorated with reminders of how cute they were together, of how much she cared about him. She’d have to eventually cancel the lease and clean it out. That could wait, for as long as possible.

“Good morning.”

The guilty parties separated and both of them fawned all over Tessa like doting parents, Raffl immediately started making her a tea and Ryan came over to hug her.

“How are you feeling, baby? You look good.”

“I feel a little more alive than I did yesterday.”

Raffl smiled and it was almost pure enough to make Tessa feel something that wasn’t hopelessness. “You are alive, that means there is always hope for brighter days. Cicero once said, ‘While I breathe, I hope.’ Although some people translate it as ‘While I’m breathing I’m hoping’ but you know -”

“Honestly, what the fuck, Raff, Cicero? Who are you?”

He shrugged and set a mug down in front of Tessa who took it gratefully. “He was a wise man. My mother made me study Latin -”

“Oh, God, just stop. It’s too early in the day for philosophy and it’s definitely too early in…whatever we’re going here for me to hear stories about your fucking mother. I’m showering.” She said to Tessa, “You’ll be here when I’m done?”

“Uh-uh, practice today. Don asked me to come in.”

“You sure you’re okay with that?”

“Mmm-hmm, it’ll be good for me. Get out of bed.”

“Alright. Call me if you need anything, anything at all.” Ryan kissed the top of her head and then rolled her eyes when Raffl tugged her hips against his and pressed a deep kiss to her lips.

When she was gone, Raffl sat down with Tessa and she told him, “I hope you know, that’s how she is with everyone she cares about. Ryan doesn’t do emotions very well and she can seem kind of mean if you don’t know that that means she likes you.”

“Oh, I know. I like it. Keeps me on my toes.”

“You’re too good for this world, Raff, you really are.”

“That’s debateable. You need a ride to the arena?”

“I…no. I’m gonna take the train. Helps me clear my head. By the way, who won last night?”

Raffl chuckled slightly. “We did.”

Part of her wanted to ask how Sidney had looked, if he had scored, if he seemed at all upset about losing her. The other part of her, the vindictive woman was happy as all get up that the Pens had lost. She hated that she was thinking this way, so instead of being negative, she just focused on the good part - the Flyers had won, which was awesome no matter who the opponent. She would stay focused on herself, her team, not a certain Captain who she didn’t want to think about or his hockey team.

“Good. One down. Three to go.”

Tessa left the house soon after, taking the train as she told Raffl she would. There is something so soothing about losing yourself to the crowd, something that makes you feel like you’re not alone in your suffering. As Tessa looked around, she saw many faces: serious, sad, complacent, happy, angry, or hostile. The mix of emotions was a stark reminder that she could have it worse, but also that it would get better.

Strangely enough, the anonymity of the train also brought a weird sort of comfort in that it reminded Tessa that her problems were not important in the grand scheme of things. People were indifferent to her as she rode to the arena and she felt that the universe was also indifferent to her suffering. That was important to her, because sometimes feeling small and insignificant can help you understand that all of this is temporary, that in the end, none of this really matters. And if nothing matters, you might as well make the best of it.

When she made it to the locker room, the Flyers’ good spirits were grating instead of infectious. Ryan White’s teasing voice and Giroux's laugh made her want to go straight back to bed and not come out for another three weeks. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea, because she was still feeling a little less than human.

No one really noticed she was there, until Simmonds came looking for her.

“Hey, Philly girl, can you stretch me out?”

She turned and stared at him, frozen in time, lost in a memory: the first time Beau asked her to stretch him out and Sidney had acted like his sweet, possessive self. Back when the only thing Tessa had to worry about was someone finding out about them and Sidney would work out his jealousy on her body until she was weak from the pleasure of it.

Simmonds looked like he was going to repeat himself when she started to cry again. God, what the hell is wrong with me, she shouted in her own head. Furiously wiping away the few tears that came out she said, “I’m sorry. Yes. I can.”

He pulled her quickly into a smothering hug. “Hey, hey, hey, you okay?”

Tessa tried to push away from him, because if one more person was nice to her she was going to sob so hard her throat would be ripped from her body. “I’m fine. No hugging, please.”

Simmonds didn’t listen well, but just stood there holding her. “I don’t believe you. Tell what’s wrong.”

She finally managed to push off of him and he let go. “Nothing, really. God, I’m so embarrassed. Must be PMS or something.”

“Don’t be sorry, Ghost cries all the time and we still love him.”

The teasing of the rookie defenseman actually made her huff out a half-laugh. “Anyway, you want me to stretch you?”

He very nicely let the whole thing drop. “Yeah, Philly. You got time?”

“I always have time for you, Simmer. Sit.”

Tessa made it through the day, stretching out Simmonds and then Ghost Bear. Normally, she would leave when practice started, but because this was the playoffs, everyone was a little more sore and achy than normal, so they asked her hang around and see to anyone who needed some attention after they were done on the ice.

She sat in the rink, watching the boys run their drills, again flooded with memories of the last time she had seen all the Penguins, during the morning skate she had gone to with Kessel. Mostly, she wondered if she was ever going to be able to be anywhere near a hockey team without everything reminding her of Sidney.

If she could just feel one thing, she might have been okay, but she felt everything about him and the situation. She still loved him, but hated the way he had acted. She missed him, but didn’t want to think of him at all. She was sad, but then two seconds later angry beyond comprehension. Perhaps most frustrating was that here she was, at her dream job, wallowing in self-pity and on the brink of tears more often than not. She needed to find some clarity soon, or she was going to snap in two.

When practice ended, she finished out the day and left, getting back on the train, but getting off downtown. She started walking until she came on the opulent skyscraper that was so familiar to her and took the elevators to the thirtieth floor as she had so many times before.

At the reception desk, she said hello to Karen. “Is she in?”

A quick check of her computer screen and Karen nodded. “Go on back, you know the way. Welcome home.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

Down the hall, passed the sea of cubicles and tiny offices along the windows, all way at the back corner office, Tessa knocked on the closed door.

A shout from within told her, “My door is closed for a fucking reason!”

Closed, not locked. Tessa opened the door and stuck her head in. “Why are you so grumpy?”

Her mother looked up from her desk, her face suddenly softened, her tone loving. “My darling girl, what are you doing here?”

Tessa came in and closed the door, meeting her mother in the middle of the room in a giant hug. She held her for a moment, then answered, “I need to talk to you. Are you busy?”

“Never too busy for you, angel. Sit down. Tea?”

She did want tea, but even that little bit of caffeine would put her nerves even more on edge. “No, thanks.”

Seated at her desk, her mother looked every bit the hard nosed business woman she was, but she was still her mother at heart, smiling and happy to see her. “What’s going on?”

Tessa inhaled and then told her everything, and that means everything. She told her she had lied to her about Patrick, told her about Sidney, told her about the other night, about how everything was perfect and suddenly in an instant so very wrong. She told her all of this without crying, miraculously. Somehow her determination to get it out gave her strength.

When she was done and her mother sat across from her, not saying anything, that was when Tessa felt like crying again. “Mama…I’m sorry I lied to you.”

“Don’t be, I know why you did. And what are you going to do? About Sidney?”

“Nothing. There’s nothing to do, he made himself quite clear.”

“Has that ever stopped you before? Who cares what he said, what do you think?”

“I think I’m so hurt that I don’t want to do anything about this.”

Her mother seemed to pity her now for the first time. “I don’t think that’s true.”

“Mama, he gave up. He didn’t even…” Tessa took a breath, swallowed down the urge to cry. “He didn’t even want to try.”

“Maybe you should make him try.”

“I’m not his boss, his freaking coach, I can’t MAKE him do anything.”

“You could try to make him try.”

“I don’t even want to, that’s what so bad! I’m so mad at him for walking away that I don’t even have the desire to try and make it work myself.”

“Tell me again, why did he end it?”

“He said that couldn’t love me like that, hiding forever, being afraid of someone finding out and it ruining my career. He wants to tell everyone and because he can’t, he doesn’t want me.”

“I’m going to tell you something, and you’re not going to like it. This is not just any guy, this is Sidney Crosby. You have to consider that he’s coming from a unique perspective.”

“Fuck him being Crosby, he wasn’t Crosby to me, he was just Sid.”

“To you, maybe, but to himself? The rest of the world? He is and always will be Sidney Crosby. And that matters.”

Tessa was now getting angry with her mother and she snapped back, “Why? What difference does it make who he is or isn’t?”

Her mother, as usual, was calm and rational. “It matters, my darling girl, because Sid is a guy you met in Pittsburgh and fell in love with, but Sidney Crosby has been watched and judged and criticized since he was just a boy. The man has rarely known a time when he could just be normal. I think you made him feel a little normal, because as you said, to you, he was just Sid. And I think when he realized that the one person in his life who makes him feel normal, you, is also the person he can never have real normalcy with…I think that probably broke his heart even before her broke yours.”

Tessa thought about the last time she had seen him, the way they had been about to enjoy dinner one moment and then Sidney was standing there stunned, saying he loved her like he just realized it then and it scared the hell out of him. He had looked hurt and defeated before he even opened his mouth. Maybe her mother was right.

She looked down her lap and answered quietly, “Just because his heart was broken didn’t mean he had to break to mine.”

“Would you rather he just said he loved you and carried on like nothing was wrong? Pretend he wasn’t being eaten alive by the fact that all he wants is a regular life with you and he’ll never have it?”

Stubbornly Tessa replied, “No, I don’t want that. But he could…get over it! What’s so great about being normal anyway?”

“To someone like Sidney? It’s everything.”

“Great, so now I have to be heartbroken and feel sorry for him, is that what you’re telling me?”

“I’m not telling you to do anything, I’m trying to help you understand where he might be coming from. You can’t act like this is some random man off the street who spilled your coffee and was rude to you, so now your feelings are hurt so you’re going to pout about it.”

“Hey…”

“I wasn’t done. I know you’re hurting, but you’re being so selfish right now. How do you think he feels?”

Tessa literally screamed, “I don’t care!”

“You should!” Her mother’s return shout silenced her. After she waited for Tessa to not speak again, her mother continued. “This is not…a game, this is your life.”

“I’m fully aware because I’m living in the hell right now.”

“Contessa, listen to me. You want to be angry, be angry. You want to be sad, be sad. If you want him back, go to him, tell him, ask him, beg him, whatever you have to do. But don’t sit there and complain about losing him and then do nothing about it. If you love him, then go to him and try to fix it yourself.”

“It’s not that simple, mama.”

“It is. It always is.”

“You don’t know him like I do. When he says there’s nothing I can say to convince him, he means it. When Sidney sets his mind to something, there is no taking him off the path.”

“Then put yourself on his path. Change your own mind.”

“I know what you’re asking and I’m not gonna do that. I’m not giving up my fucking dream job for a man who didn’t even want to try and make it work.”

“Then there’s nothing else to say, because those are your options. If Sidney won’t be with you when your job is at risk and you won’t give up your job for him then it’s over and you need to move on.”

Tessa looked down at her lap, almost ashamed to be saying this, “It’s not just a job, it’s my career, the one I’ve been dreaming about for half my life.”

Tessa’s mother sighed. “It’s still just a job, it’s what you do for money. You might like, you might love it, but it’s not going to keep you company at night. It’s not going to take you Tahiti or bring you kittens. It’s not going love you back, my dear. As much as you might love it, no job, not even that one, is ever going to love you back.”

Now Tessa did start to cry again. She cried over the truth of it all, over the injustice of her options, over the decision she didn’t want to make and the man who was forcing her to make it while also making her want to chose anything but him because of his ridiculous actions.

Her mother spoke again. “I’m sorry I shouted, but you needed to hear it.”

Tessa stood. “I know. I’m…going home.”

She turned and walked towards the door, her mother asking, “What are you going to do?”

Without turning around Tessa told her, “I have no idea,” and then left.

At home, she went to bed, letting Nova Blue curl up on her chest as she laid on her back. Her mother’s voice was back in her head. “No job is going to bring you kittens. No job will ever love you back.”

Nova Blue headbutted her palm and Tessa smiled faintly. “Your grandmother is right. But how am I supposed to know he’s worth it when this is how he acts? Why should I give up anything for him, huh?”

The kitten didn’t answer, but just curled up and started to drift off. Tessa told him, “You’re useless. Like your good-for-nothing father.” The kitten neither agreed nor disagreed, but simply purred.

Tessa fell into a deep nap as well and only woke up when her phone on the nightstand started to ring. Sleepily she groped for it, answering without looking at the name on the caller ID. “Yeah?”

“Philly? It’s Don.”

“Hey, Don. How are ya?”

“Good. Did I wake you?”

She looked at the time, nine at night, how goddamn embarrassing that this was her life now, sleeping all day because she was too sad to do anything else. “Just a nap. What’s going on?”

“Hoping I can ask a favor of you. Simmer and Ghost asked me to have you come along with us to Pittsburgh. We’ll pay you for those days, obviously, but you know how hockey players are about their systems. You stretched them out today and they skated well, so now they want you to stretch them out everyday, even on the road. I would tell them to suck it up, but the playoffs make everyone a little more superstitious than normal. I know you’ve been sick -”

“I’m feeling a lot better. I’d be happy to come.”

“Yeah? Shit, thanks. I’ll owe you one.”

“You still owe me a steak, so technically you owe me two now.”

“Ha! Philly never forgets. It’s a date. We’ll all go out to my favorite place in Pittsburgh, alright?”

“Sounds good. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Game two, Philly. Boys are looking good. You’ll love to see them out there.”

“I’ll bet. Bye, Don.”

Already in bed and still exhausted, Tessa just curled up around Nova Blue and went right back to sleep, wondering if she was really prepared to return to Pittsburgh so soon, but also so fed up with her emotions that she was willing to force the issue. She also prayed that she could manage to avoid seeing that dark haired Captain who was still very heavily on her mind.

Notes