Stockholm Syndrome

After a week, our families finally went home. I was happy to have them here but all the constant attention was getting tiring. Natalia decided to extend her trip.

“The bruising under your eyes is getting better,” she says at home one afternoon.

“There’s no way to pull off a nose cast,” I reply.

“I’m happy I’m staying longer. You definitely need me.”

“Don’t kid yourself. You’re only staying because of Dr. Hottie. You do realize he was dating half of the nurses at that hospital.”

“Yes he told me about that. Ethan is very open.”

“Have you slept with him yet?” I ask.

“No. I haven’t,” she replies evenly.

“Because your still not over Carl.”

“Phoenix can we not go there.”

“I’m just saying be real. You’re diving into this new thing with my doctor to help distract yourself from Carl.”

“So you’re on his side now?”

“I’m not on anyone’s side it just sucks seeing you guys apart.”

“You can’t just go back after what happened.”

“I know.” We sit there in silence for a bit until Sidney comes down from his pregame nap.

“You should just wear suits for the rest of your life,” I tell him. He blushes and I smile.

“You excited for your first game back?” he asks me.

“Hell yeah. I’m also excited to have my game buddy with me.”

“We should sit in the stands. It’ll be weird if I go to the wives box.” Natalia says monotonously.

“It won’t be weird. I’m sure they’d love to see you,” I tell her. She doesn’t say anything so I look at Sidney.

“I gotta go, I’ll see you later,” he says before kissing me.

“Bye. Good-luck.” Sidney leaves and I get up. “I’m going to get ready, you better be ready to go by the time I get down here or else,” I threaten. I let Natalia drive to the arena because I couldn’t. I had a cast on my right leg and even if I didn’t I knew I wasn’t ready to get behind the wheel.

We get to the arena and make our way up to the wives box.

“You guy’s are back!” Vero says hugging us both. They all hug me and ask how I’m holding up.

“I’m doing okay. I’m happy that I can finally get out of the house,” I laugh. I sit down and get ready to watch the game. The penguins were playing the Ducks and I could tell from the first period that they were going to win. Sidney gets a power play goal. I forget about my ribs and raise my arms quickly in the air. I yelp and bring them back down. Everyone asks me if I’m okay and I nod. I focus back on the game and the penguins end up winning 3-2. I text Sidney saying I’ll meet him at home and leave the arena with Natalia.

I hadn’t heard from Carl in days so I got Sidney to drop me off at his apartment. I use my old key and I’m shocked when I open the door. The apartment is an absolute mess and Carl is just sitting on the couch playing video games.

“You don’t answer my calls or texts, your hockey performance has been below average lately. Talk to me,” I tell him. I sit down on the couch and grab a controller.

“You have enough going on in your life,” he responds deadpanned.

“You’re my brother, I care about your feelings. I know this is about Natalia so just talk to me.”

“I just can’t believe she’s dating already. I thought we just needed some time to be apart, I didn’t think she was going to start dating.”

“Honestly I don’t think she’s over you. I think this doctor thing is just a distraction. She’s all over the place, just give her time. If you guy’s are meant to be then it’ll happen.” He sits there quietly and doesn’t say anything. I put a pillow under my foot and we spend the afternoon gaming.

I spend the next two weeks cooped up at home. Natalia had left for L.A. temporarily to plan a wedding leaving me alone. I still hadn’t any improvements in my health and it was starting to take a toll on my mental health. The reality of my injuries was starting to sink in. Thinking I could recover and get back to the compete level I was at was starting to feel to feel like a pipe dream. Was this it for my snowboarding career? Dr. Evans said the pacemaker would help my heart rhythm but he still wasn’t sure how realistic is was for me to continue snowboarding. My mood had changed dramatically and I was getting worse and worse at hiding it.

“Are you coming to the game tonight?” Sidney asks one afternoon.

“I think I’ll just watch it from home,” I reply evenly.

“I think it would be good for you to get out,” he says sympathetically. I don’t say anything and continue watching the screen. “Talk to me, what’s going on?”
“I’m just tired Sidney.” I reply irritably. He looks at his watch and turns around to leave. I didn’t want to be a burden to him but I couldn’t help how I felt. He didn’t know how lucky he was that he got to play his sport night after night. I didn’t resent him for being able to play but we were in such different places. I felt distant from him in everyway possible. Due to my injuries we hadn’t been intimate in weeks and I felt like I couldn’t open up to emotionally because he wouldn’t understand what I’m going through.

The penguins won 5-2 against the flames and Sidney came home in a noticeably good mood. I had just finished crying and I did my best to his it from him. He came into the bedroom and the minute he sees me his face drops.

“Nix, what’s wrong?” he asks sitting beside. He grabs my hand and wipes a tear from my face.

“It’s nothing,” I say in an attempt to dismiss the conversation.

“You can talk to me.”

“I can’t talk to you,” I say quietly. He looks hurt at my words and I know he doesn’t understand what I mean. “I just need some space.” I get up and grab crutches and make my way downstairs. Normally I would grab my keys and drive somewhere to clear my head but I couldn’t drive. Instead I hobble to the den and turn on the PS4. I put the headset and see that Carl is online. I invite him to a game and wait for him to accept. I hear someone on the other side of the headset and I say hello.

“Phoenix?” Carl asks in Swedish.

“Hi brother,” I reply.

“Hey what’s up?”

“Nothing. Couldn’t sleep. Good game tonight.” I tell him.

“Thanks. Crosby said you didn’t make it though.”

“Yeah I didn’t feel like going out.”

“Is everything okay? I haven’t heard from you in awhile.” I always told Carl everything but even now I was having trouble verbalizing my feelings.

“I’m just having a hard time dealing with everything y’know?” I say quietly into the headset.

“Tell me about it,” he says gently. I sigh and debate whether I should be honest with Carl.

“I’m just scared I’ll never snowboard again. And I feel like I can’t talk to Sidney about it because I’m mad that he’s healthy and gets to do what he loves. I mean I should be mad at you for the exact same reason but I’m not. It’s really messed up.” I feel tears pooling in my eyes.

“It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. You went through a traumatic incident and it’s okay to struggle emotionally and physically. I know it sucks being unsure of your future but there’s still a chance you could snowboard again so you need to hold on to that shred of hope. And as for Sid, he just wants to be there for you. He came up to me at practice the other day and said he’s really worried about you. He said you’re not eating or sleeping?” Carl says, his voice of concern.

“I’m fine, I’m just stressed out,” I reply. I focus back on playing Call of Duty.

“Nix I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but I really think you need to start going back to therapy,” he says carefully. He was right; I didn’t want to hear that. I hadn’t been in therapy in a long time and up until now I was doing just fine without it.

“I don’t need it.”

“I’m just saying it wouldn’t hurt.”

“Can we just focus on the game?”

“Sure.” The line and remains quiet while our characters run around, shooting each other.

I wake up the next morning with a blanket draped over me and my headset off. Sidney must have done that. I look at the clock and realize Sidney will be home from practice any minute. I’m about to get up and shower when my alarm on my phone goes off. I look down and read that I have my hospital appointment that afternoon. My stomach is suddenly in knots and I feel a wave of anxiety fall over me. I had totally forgot about my appointment. This was the appointment to see whether I was ready for surgery. I wrap my cast in plastic and shower. I wear leggings and a hoodie and blow-dry my hair. I come downstairs and Sidney is waiting for in the kitchen.

“Are you ready?” he asks. I nod and we head to the range rover. It’s silent the entire way to the hospital. I know I had hurt Sidney’s feelings but now I didn’t know what to say. I sign in and I’m called into a bed. The silence between us is unbearable and I’m about to say something when Dr. Evans comes in.

“Phoenix, good to see you again. Sidney,” he says shaking Sidney’s hand.

“Hey Dr. Evans,” I smile.

“Phoenix are you sleeping? You look tired,” he notices.

“Just excited for today,” I say nervously. I take my sweater off and he feels each of my ribs.

“These are healing nicely. How’s the pain?” he asks.

“Manageable,” I reply. He takes his stethoscope and listens to my chest. He nods and starts to hook a bunch of leads up to my chest and arms and gets me to lie down. I watch as the needles draw spikes on the paper and I remind myself not to get worked up over the machine or it’ll mess up my results. After we’re done with the ECG he switches machines to do the echocardiogram. He places a small plastic instrument called a transducer on my chest. It collects echoes from my heart and transmits them to the machine. Dr. Evans explains that the machine uses the sound wave patterns to compose images of my heart beating. After what seems like forever and a lot of writing in his chart he finally clears his throat.

“Well Phoenix good news. Besides your arrhythmia your heart seems strong and stable enough for surgery. We’ll get you scheduled in for tomorrow afternoon,” he says smiling. I know I should be happy but I just feel scared. I smile weakly and I put my sweater on. I get discharged and once again Sidney and I drive in silence. My thoughts are racing and I realize in 24 hours I’ll be on the operating table. We get home and I spend the rest of the day watching Sons of Anarchy. I take Rocky out of his tank and sit with him on the couch. Late into the evening Sidney comes in and sits down beside me.

“I can’t do this. Shut you out. The last time I did that you ended up in a coma and I didn’t know if I was ever going to see you again. I can’t give you your space,” he says seriously. I look at him and he looks sad.

“I’m scared,” I say, my voice cracking. He pulls me in and cradles me. I pull away after a moment wipe a tear that had escaped. “I’m sorry. I was mad at you because you’re career didn’t get taken away from you. I was jealous and hurt and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

“Phoenix it’s okay to be upset. I would be too. But you’re getting a pacemaker, isn’t that what you wanted?”

“Yeah I guess. But there’s no guarantee that it’s magically going to fix me and I’m going to snowboard again. I just don’t want to get my hopes up.”

“It’s okay to hope. Phoenix you’re the strongest person I know, I know you’ll be able to handle whatever happens,” he says kissing the top of my head. I curl into him still holding Rocky and we continue to watch Sons of Anarchy. I can tell by Sidney’s breathing that he’s fallen asleep but I’m comforted by the slow and steady sound. I’m too anxious to sleep and I keep thinking of the possible outcomes. I could get the pacemaker and either be able to snowboard at the same level I used to, be limited to snowboarding recreationally or not able to snowboard at all. I shuddered at the last thought and pushed it out of mind. It was okay to hope. I look at the PVR and find the X games recording. I watch my run and I’m filled with temporary joy. I see myself get my medal and I smile. There’s no way that was it for me. I was going to compete again if it was the last thing I did.

Notes