Stockholm Syndrome

“Well I guess this is it,” I tell Sidney. I was about to be wheeled into the operating room and I was internally freaking out. I could tell Sidney was stressed and I was trying to stay calm for him.

“I love you,” he says quietly.

“I’ll see you later,” I smile. He kisses me and I feel my eyes well up. Tears spill over and he pulls away.

“Hey, don’t cry. I’ll see you soon,” he says kissing my hand.

“I love you.” The nurse wheels me away and I wipe away the tears. I was trying to be strong for Sidney but saying goodbye proved to be way harder than I thought. I get wheeled into the O.R. and I lie on the table. The anaesthesiologist tells me she’s giving me something to help me relax and anxiously wait for it to kick in. A nurse rubs iodine all over my chest and collarbone and I’m surprised at how quick the local anaesthetic kicked in. They drape the area and I hear Dr. Evans come in.

“Phoenix, how are you feeling?” I was starting to feel the sedative and my eyelids felt heavy.

“Good. Ready to get this show on the road,” I smile weakly.

“Glad to hear it,” he laughs. I hear him ask for the scalpel and I close my eyes, trying to imagine I’m in a better place. I think back to mine and Sidney’s wedding. I focus on his face when he was reading his vows and I’m instantly comforted. I start to feel a slight tugging and I open my eyes. The bright light up above is blinding and I hear music playing.

“Is that music, or am I losing it?” I ask weakly.

“I like music during my surgeries,” Dr. Evans replies. I can tell he’s smiling behind his mask.

“Okay we’re just testing leads, how are you feeling?”

“Fantastic,” I say sarcastically and he laughs. I feel pressure and I close my eyes again. This time I think back to when Sidney proposed to me. Our entire relationship was a whirlwind for sure but I wouldn’t change it for anything. After what seems like forever Dr. Evans tells me they’re closing me up. I get stitched up and wheeled into recovery. Sidney comes into the room shortly after and kisses me gently.

“How was it?” he asks.

“Wasn’t so bad,” I reply. After staying up all night and the sedative I feel my eyes close and I soon fall into a deep slumber. I wake and Sidney is sitting in the chair by my bed, on his phone.

“How long was I out?” I ask groggily.

“A few hours,” he replies smiling. I look at the clock and it’s almost 5:00 pm.

“You have a game tonight!” I yell.

“So? They’ll be fine for one game.”

“Sidney I’m fine honestly. Go.”

“Phoenix I’m not leaving.”

“Oh my god. I’m awake and fine. You can come back after the game.”

“I’m fucking staying.” He growls. I’m taken aback by his tone and decide not to push him.

“Wow okay fine. Chill.”

“You’re the one who’s getting all worked up after heart surgery,” he says exasperated. I look up at the heart monitor and my heart has a steady rhythm.

“Hey look at that. My heart’s not fucked anymore,” I reply smiling. He cracks a smile and I start laughing. We watch the game and the Penguins beat the Lightening 2-1. They talked about Sidney’s absence and how he missed the game because I was in surgery. They continued to speculate when I’d be back snowboarding.

“We’re the Brad and Angelina of SportsCenter,” I say smiling.

“Sidnix” he replies.

“That doesn’t sound very good.” He chuckles and I hear a knock on the door.

“Carl!”

“Hey Nix. How’re you doing?” he asks while setting flowers down on the bed.

“Better now. Good game.”

“Thanks. So how was being awake during surgery?”

“Kinda freaky. The sedative helped. I kind of just pretended I was somewhere else.” We talked about the game until a nurse came in and told us visiting hours were over. I was definitely getting sick of hospitals and could wait to get home the next day.

I wake up the next morning to Dr. Evans gently shaking me.

“Good Morning, I have early rounds today and I figured you’d want to get out of here early,” he says smiling. I look at Sidney and he’s wiping sleep out his eyes. “Okay since you’re leg is broken you won’t be able to do a stress test until it heals. When it does heal, we’ll do a stress test and see how your heart holds up. I have high hopes for a positive result and then from there we can talk about snowboarding. I’m not saying it’s a guarantee but it’s definitely not off the table.” I could handle that. He checks my stitches and listens to my heart. He signs my discharge papers and tells me I’m free to go. Sidney and I pick up breakfast and I find myself feeling lighter for the first time in weeks. I get home and I find Natalia waiting for me in the kitchen.

“You’re back!” I exclaim.

“The wedding was a hit, but I found myself missing Pittsburgh. How are you? You look thin,” she says worriedly.

“I’m okay, the surgery was successful,” I tell her. We sit down and she tells me all about the wedding she threw.

“What about Dr. Evans?” I finally ask. She was telling very little about their interactions.

“We’re going for dinner tonight. It’s hard to plan dates with a cardiothoracic surgeon. But tonight should be fun, he’s not on call,” she replies.

“You’re going to sleep with him aren’t you?” I ask. She smiles and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

“It’s date number five. You know what that means,” she says suggestively.

“It’s weird that he had his hands in me this morning and now he’s going to have his hands on you.”

“Okay ew. Didn’t need that visual,” she says disgusted. I burst out laughing and she joins in.

Me and Sidney are watching some history show on TV when Natalia comes and stands in front of the TV in a skin tight black one sleeved dress paired with six-inch red heels.

“Wow Nat, you look…” I trail off. Sidney just sits there and doesn’t say anything.

“Good. That’s the reaction I was going for. Don’t wait up,” she says while leaving the den. I hear the front door close. I was secretly jealous of Natalia. I was someone who loved sex and going this long without it was making me crazy. Although I wanted to make a move I also didn’t feel very sexy with my cast and my stiff ribs. I decide to focus back on the show about World War I. I wake up to Sidney carrying me up the stairs.

“Sorry I fell asleep,” I say yawning.

“It’s okay,” he replies. He sets me down on the bed and I take my hoodie and leggings off. I lie down and watch Sidney strip down to his boxers, the moon illuminated every muscle and curve of his toned torso. He crawls into bed and lies on his back. I lie on my side facing him and I start tracing the contours of his stomach. He closes his eyes and I move my hand south towards his boxers. I hook a finger in the elastic and feel the soft skin there. I reach down and wrap my hand around his member. Sidney turns to look at me and I start stroking him, keeping eye contact. I feeling him getting hard in my hand and I continue working my hand. I wipe the pre-cum off with my thumb and start to pump faster. He sighs and I soon feel him ejaculate on my hand. I reach over to my nightstand for a tissue and clean up the mess. I throw the tissue away and wrap myself around Sidney and he starts to rub my back.

“Do you want…?” he trails off. I shake my head and pull him closer.

“I just love you,” I say quietly and he kisses the top of my head.


Me and Sidney were in the kitchen when Natalia walks in wearing the same dress she had on the night before. She takes off her shoes and sits down with us, taking my toast.

“Sooo?” I ask expectantly.

“It was okay. He took me to the same restaurant you guys went to on your first date although we didn’t have a private room,” she replies.

“Did you sleep with him?” I see Sidney get uncomfortable but I focus on Natalia.

“Yeah,” she replies casually.

“And?”

“It was fine.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah.”

“Well okay. Are you going to keep seeing him?” I ask.

“Yeah.”

“So you have mediocre sex yet you still want to keep seeing him.”

“I don’t know. Maybe it was just an awkward first time. Maybe the next time will be better,” she says. She doesn’t seem very excited about the whole thing.

“You keep telling yourself that,” I say taking a sip of my smoothie.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I mean maybe it wasn’t great because it wasn’t with Carl.”

“I need to shower,” she says shortly. She throws back the half-eaten toast back on my plate and leaves for her room.

“Well that was awkward,” Sidney says. I had totally forgot he was even here during the midst of our conversation.

“I don’t know what to do. Clearly they should be together but I’m supposed to somehow remain impartial. Like it’s my best friend and it’s my brother who’s also my best friend. What am I supposed to do?” I ask dramatically.

“Be on both their sides?”

“That helps. Thanks Crosby,” I reply rolling my eyes. He laughs and shakes his head.

Notes