Stockholm Syndrome

I was sitting in the stands the next day with Bobbie and Natalia watching the Penguins play the Blue Jackets. The game was intense and filled with lots of hits and the Blue Jackets were up 3-1 in the second. I watch Sidney go for the puck down low, keeping his head down. I look and see Brandon Dubinsky beeline straight for Sidney, sending him awkwardly head first into the boards. Sidney falls down in a heap and the arena goes silent. I shoot up to my feet and I feel my heart pounding. ‘Please get up, please get up’ I silently chant to myself. Sidney lies there not moving and I feel like I’m going to be sick. The rest of the players on the ice are all fighting with other. I watch the trainer run to Sidney and crouch down. The trainer raises his hand with a fist and they start to roll the stretcher out. I look down and Natalia is holding my trembling hand. There are a number of men all now on the ice helping Sidney onto a backboard. I watch them lift him onto a stretcher and begin rolling him towards the locker room. The arena starts clapping and I grab my crutches and make my way to the dressing room. My leg starts to hurt from all the pressure I’m putting on it but I don’t care. I need to see him. I go as fast as my crutches will take me until I’m at the dressing room. The security guard looks down at me and doesn’t say anything.

“I need to go in there!” I yell agitatedly.

“Sorry mam I can’t let you in there. Authorized personnel only,” he replies stoically.

“I’m Crosby’s wife and I need to see him now. Do you really want me telling everyone how you wouldn’t let me see my husband?” I ask. I feel myself getting frantic and have to remind myself to breathe. He looks at me for a while before finally letting me into the room. I push my way through several men before I find a group of men standing around a stretcher.

“Sidney!” I yell running up to him. I look down and his head and neck are immobilized.

“Nix hey, don’t cry, I’m okay,” he says smiling. I hadn’t even realized I was crying. The trainers were all just staring me and I quickly wipe away the tears.

“What’s the situation?” I ask the trainers.

“He hurt his neck and is feeling weird sensations in his hands. We’re taking him to the hospital to get checked out,” one replies calmly.

“I’m okay,” Sidney says softly. The tears stop and I remind myself to be strong for him.

“You can come in the ambulance if you want,” the trainer tells me. I smile weakly and follow them into the ambulance.

“What a fucking asshole. He totally zeroed in on you knowing your head was down. He better fucking get suspended,” I say seething. We were on our way to the hospital and I couldn’t believe how deliberate Dubinsky’s actions were.

“He probably will,” Sidney replies.

“What about his head?” I ask the trainer, suddenly remembering Sidney’s concussion history.

“We did a concussion evaluation but he doesn’t seem to be concussed,” he replies. Relief washes over me and I’m happy there’s some good news. We get to the hospital and Sidney doesn’t have to wait long before he’s taken for x-rays, an MRI and CT scan. It’s early in the morning when the doctor finally comes to see us.

“Hi Sidney, and you must be Mrs. Crosby,” he says smiling. I smile and shake his hand. “I’m Dr. Johnson. I’ve looked over your x-rays and scans and they’re all clean. He starts to undo the buckles on the backboard and the head and neck immobilizer. He asks Sidney to slowly sit up. I watch Sidney’s face when he sits up and I don’t see any sign of discomfort. The doctor takes off the neck brace and gets Sidney to move his head from side to side. Sidney winces and my breath hitches.

“You’ve got some muscle tenderness but it’s nothing serious. I’ll get you to wear a neck brace for a few days. Your neck will probably get more stiff before it gets better so I don’t think you’ll be playing hockey for a couple weeks,” the doctor says while feeling Sidney’s neck. I see the look of discouragement on Sidney’s face but I’m relieved that he’s not seriously hurt. He discharges Sidney and I get Carl to pick us up.

We get home and I’m exhausted. We’re brushing our teeth and I start laughing.

“What’s so funny?” he asks, spitting toothpaste everywhere.

“Us. I mean look at us. You have a neck brace and I have a boot on my leg,” I say chuckling.

“The life of pro-athletes,” he says smiling. I leave the bathroom and crawl into bed. I watch Sidney strip down to his boxers and crawl in beside me. He lays his head down and the vision of him on the ice comes back to my memory.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“It’s just, you weren’t moving Sidney. I’ve never been so scared in my entire life,” I say quietly.

“But I’m okay. You don’t have to worry.”

“But I do worry. What if you’re not so lucky next time? I know you love hockey but it’s getting dangerous for you.” I didn’t want to stress him out but I couldn’t keep these feelings to myself.

“Hockey’s not the problem, Dubinsky is. And of all people I would have thought you’d understand.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re constantly breaking bones in your sport. I watch you flip in the air and crash and I wonder how you don’t break your neck sometimes. You put yourself through a dangerous surgery just for the hope that you can snowboard one day. You can’t tell me my sport is too dangerous for me when you literally risk your life for yours,” he says irritably. He was right. I was being hypocritical.

“Since you’ve known me I have battled through breaks and injuries. You’ve been completely healthy up until now. I didn’t know how to handle it.”

“Now you know how I feel,” he says softly. Sidney was always the one taking care of me it felt weird switching roles. I curl up next him and close me eyes trying to erase the image of his unmoving body from my mind.

I wake up before Sidney and head to the kitchen. Natalia is wearing an apron and there’s food cooking on the stove.

“You’re cooking?” I ask her surprised.

“Yeah I figured since you’re both injured I could help out a little more,” she replies.

“Well that was awfully nice of you.” Sidney enters the kitchen wearing only his pyjama pants and his brace. Only Sidney Crosby could make a neck brace look sexy.

“Smells good,” he says smiling. We’re in the middle of eating when I hear the front door close.

“Morning,” Carl says sitting down at the table.

“What are you doing here,” I ask.

“Checking in on my captain and brother-law. How ya feeling Crosby?” he asks.

“Necks a little sore but it’s not too bad. Are you heading to practice?”

“Yeah.”

“You mind if get a ride?” Sidney asks Carl.

“You’re not going to practice,” I say shocked.

“Well I’m not going to skate but I still want to watch,” he replies.

“Do ever just relax?” I ask rolling my eyes.

“Is he allowed to go Mom?” Carl asks smiling.

“Fine but you’re sitting and watching and no turning your head,” I warn. He kisses my cheek and goes upstairs to get dressed.

“So what are you two up to today?” Carl asks me and Natalia.

“Phoenix has aquatic therapy for her leg then I have an engagement party,” Natalia responds nonchalantly.

“Look at you go. You’re Pittsburgh’s top event planner,” he says smiling. Natalia smiles back and I’m left there dumbfounded. Sidney comes down and him and Carl leave. I turn to Natalia and she’s eating her food innocently.

“What was that all about?” I ask her inquisitively.

“What?”

“You and Carl. Since when are you guys on good terms?”

“He called and told me he didn’t want us fighting anymore. He said I was an important person in his life and that he wanted us to be friends.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

“I love him. I want him to be happy and if he’s happy with her then that’s okay. We can be friends. It’s better than not being in his life,” she says, avoiding my gaze. I was impressed with her maturity over the situation. We finish the meal and she takes me to Aquatic Therapy.

Natalia drops me off at home after therapy and heads to the party she’s throwing. I hear voices in the den and make my way in that direction.
I enter the room and find Sidney, James, Paul and Geno all watching football.

“Hey babe how was therapy?” Sidney asks.

“Pretty painful. I really aggravated it yesterday,” I say frowning.

“What did you do yesterday?” James asks concerned.

“When Sid went into the boards I ran to the dressing room,” I reply.

“You ran on a broken leg?” he asks.

“Didn’t hurt so much at the time.”

“I heard you almost got Ralph fired,” Paul laughs.

“Who’s Ralph?”

“The security guard.”

“He wouldn’t let me in the room! It was an empty threat,” I say defensively.

“Damn Mrs. Crosby is cutthroat,” James laughs and I throw a throw pillow at him.

“When you get boot off?” Geno asks me.

“A couple more weeks,” I reply smiling.

“Then what happens, with snowboarding and stuff?” James asks awkwardly.

“After I get my boot off I go to the hospital and they preform a stress test. They see how well my heart holds up on the treadmill. If I pass the stress test then I get the O.K to start snowboarding again.”

“Well I really hope it all goes well,” Paul says smiling.

“Thanks Pauly.”

The next couple weeks fly by. I didn’t have to wear my boot anymore and was getting used to walking around without it.

“How’s it feeling today?” I ask Sidney one morning while I massaged his neck.

“Pretty good. A little stiff when I turn to look behind me but nothing major. I should be cleared soon,” he replies.

“You won’t be cleared until you can turn your head in any direction without stiffness.”

“There is one thing I’m cleared to do.” He turns around and pins me onto the bed and starts kissing my neck.

“I have no objections,” I say smiling. His lips meet mine and I run my fingers through his hair. His tongue traces my lower lip and I entangle mine with his. I lift his shirt off and his lips reconnect with mine. I feel his erection growing against my hip and I grind against it eagerly. He moans appreciatively and I’m about take his pants off when my phone goes off.

“Ignore it,” Sidney says into my mouth. I gently push him away and reach for my phone.

“Hello?” I answer breathlessly.

“Hi Phoenix, It’s Dr. Evans. I have an opening this afternoon at 2:00 pm and I was wondering if you wanted to do your stress test?” he asks.

“Today? Sure. That’d be great!” I reply excitedly.

“Okay great! I’ll see you soon.” I hang up the phone and smile at Sidney who’s frowning.

“Who was that?” he asks.

“Dr. Evans. It’s stress test time.”

A couple hours later, we’re in the stress test lab and Dr. Evans is hooking me up to a bunch of leads.

“I know you haven’t ran in awhile so if your leg is bothering you, please stop,” Dr. Evans says seriously. I nod my head and stand on the treadmill. Sidney sat in the corner and I could see the anxiety written on his face. The last time I did a stress test I collapsed and I know Sidney was scared of that happening again. “Okay Phoenix we’ll start you off at a slow walk.” The treadmill starts and I start at a slow pace. Gradually Dr. Evans increases the speed until I’m at a jog. My leg felt stiff but it wasn’t painful. I focus on the wall in front of me and count my breaths. “Okay you’re heart is at a pretty steady rate so we’re going to increase the speed. If you feel pain in your leg, or dizzy or lightheaded please stop.” I nod my head and the treadmill starts to go faster. I’m at a full run and I feel my leg start cramp up. I needed to know if my heart can handle it and I wasn’t going to let a little bit of leg pain ruin this. I run through the pain and continue to count my breaths. I feel my heart pounding and I see Dr. Evans writing notes. After ten minutes the pain in my leg becomes unbearable and I stop running.

“Sorry my leg is hurting,” I tell Dr. Evans.

“No worries I was going to stop you anyway. Well Phoenix, it’s good news. You’re heart seems to be in perfect condition and I’m clearing you for snowboarding,” he says smiling. I’m bent over, winded and I let Dr. Evans words ring through my ears.

“Are you serious? I passed?” I ask shocked.

“You passed.” I run up to him and hug him tightly. This doctor who patched up my heart and inserted a pacemaker made it possible for me to board again.

“Thank you so much. I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I am.”

“I’m happy I could help.” I walk over to Sidney and wrap my arms around him. I try to fight back tears and bury my face in his shirt. He rubs my back and I can’t seem to stop crying. I waited to hear this news for months and I couldn’t believe my dream of snowboarding again was becoming a reality.
A few days later, Sidney calls me from the kitchen. I go downstairs and find him with a giant smile on his face.

“I have a surprise for you,” he says excitedly.

“What is it?” I ask confused.

“I’ll show you.” He outstretches his hand and I take it. He leads us outside to the driveway where a brand new black jeep wrangler sits. He looks at my expectantly but I’m at a loss for words. “What do you think?”

“It’s. Wow,” I say, still shocked.

“You don’t like it,” he says frowning.

“It’s not that. It just…” I trail off. Flashbacks of my accident flash in my mind and I try to shake the thoughts from my head. “It just brings back memories of the accident.”

“I should have gotten a different vehicle. Shit Nix, I wasn’t thinking.”

“No Sidney, it’s fine. I love it. It’s a really sweet gesture,” I say hugging him.

“I’m glad,” he replies kissing my hair. We head back inside hand and hand and he hands me the keys. “I figure you’d want these now that you can drive again. Now you can drive to Carl’s.”

“I should probably head there now, I’ll see you later,” I say kissing him. I take the keys and head outside. I unlock the vehicle and hop in and close the door. I put the keys in the ignition but I can’t bring myself to start it. Sitting behind the wheel brought back the repressed memories of the accident. I could remember the vehicle rolling and me being trapped upside down. I remember the excruciating pain and trying to call for help. I suddenly feel like I’m going to be sick and I stare out the front windshield. That night replays over and over in mind and I lose track of time. I’m not sure how long I was sitting there for when I suddenly hear a knock on window. I look to see Sidney standing there confused. I open the door and hop out so I’m facing him.

“Were you sitting here this entire time?” he asks. I nod and he looks at me in disbelief. “Phoenix it’s been over an hour. What happened?”

“I couldn’t do it,” I say quietly. Sidney face falls and he realizes why I can’t drive the car.

“Maybe you’re not ready yet,” he says gently. I knew I was going to have to drive eventually but today was not that day. I head inside feeling defeated and text Carl saying I couldn’t come over today.

Notes

Sorry it's kinda long