Stockholm Syndrome

“Oh my goodness you’re so cute!” My mother says while holding Noah. It was weird seeing her so affectionate with another person but I didn’t question it.

“You make some cute kids kiddo,” my dad tells me.

“Don’t I?” I laugh. Sidney had left for their 11-day road trip and I missed him now that he was gone.

“How’s Natalia doing?” my mother asks.

“Pregnancy wise she’s fantastic but it looks like she might go into labour while Carl is away,” I tell her.

“That’s what you get when you get involved with a pro athlete,” she says shaking her head. I roll my eyes and continue folding laundry.
My dad was playing with Carter and my mom was holding Noah so I decide to go upstairs to have a nap.
I’m woken up by my phone ringing and I answer it groggily.

“Hello?”

“Did I wake you?” Sidney asks sadly.

“Kind of. What’s up?”

“Just in the hotel room. We play Edmonton tonight.”

“How’s the great up north?”

“So cold. You have no idea,” he laughs.

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too. How’s your mother?”

“Well I haven’t killed her yet if that says anything.”

“Good job. I’m proud of you,” he chuckles.

“She’s really good with the boys though. It’s weird seeing her like this because she was never like that with me and Carl growing up.”

“Maybe she’s learned from her mistakes. Maybe this is her way of apologizing.”

“Maybe.” I hear crying and I stand up. “Well I should go. I have to feed Noah. Good luck tonight.”

“Thanks babe. Love you. Bye.” I hang up and go in search of the unhappy infant.

“See that’s daddy skating,” I coo to Noah.

“Daddy!” Carter yells. I hear the front door close and Natalia appears wearing a pink tracksuit. Her hair and make-up look flawless but she looks panicked.

“I’m in labour,’ she says, her voice shaky.

“And you drove here?” I ask incredulously. She nods and I shake my head. I hand Noah to my mother and remind my parents of the list I made of the things they’d need to know while I’m gone. I grab my purse and coat and we get in my jeep.

“How did it start?” I ask her on the way there.

“I was just doing dishes and I thought I peed myself. I had my first contraction on the way to your house but I haven’t had one since.” We get to the hospital and I sign her in. She gets changed into a hospital gown and I text Carl.

Me:
IT’S BABY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

“He’s not going to get it until the game’s over.” I tell her. I put the game on the TV and the Penguins are up 3-1.

“Ow!” Natalia says in a high voice.

“Yeah they’re not fun,” I tell her. Her labour continues over the next couple hours and finally the game ends. My phone starts ringing and I answer it on the first ring.

“Did I miss it?” Carl asks panting.

“No. She’s only about 5 centimeters so it’ll probably be awhile.”

“Can I talk to her?” I hand the phone to Natalia and they talk briefly before hanging up.

“He said he should be here in a couple hours. This baby isn’t coming before he gets here,” she says seriously. Natalia goes into active labour and Dr. Cooper is looking at the fetal monitor and frowning. He talks quietly to a nurse and my stomach drops.

“What’s wrong?” I ask boldly.

“The fetal heart rate pattern is abnormal. We’re going to try getting the fetus more oxygen,” he tells us. I see Natalia’s face drop and I squeeze her hand. They try changing her position so that the fetus gets more oxygen but it doesn’t work.

“Natalia I’m afraid we’re going to have to do an emergency c-section.” Tears stream down her face and I wipe them away.

“It’s going to be okay,” I tell her. They get her ready for surgery and I get a gown and cap on. They drape her and begin cutting her open.

“Carl will be here soon and so will your baby,” I say in her ear.

“My baby is in fetal distress,” she says monotonously.

“But it still has a heartbeat.”

“This wasn’t in my birth plan. Carl was supposed to be here and I was supposed to deliver naturally,” she says sadly.

“Life doesn’t always go as planned and sometimes we have to adjust. It’s going to be okay Nat.” They deliver the baby and it’s a girl.

“Hey baby girl. You’re so beautiful.” Natalia says crying. The nurse takes her away to the NICU right away and I see Carl come in dressed in a surgical gown and a mask over is face.

“Nat baby hey I’m here,” he says breathlessly.

“Where did she go?” Natalia cries.

“They’re just taking her to the NICU to get checked out,” Dr. Cooper assures her. I see the tears run down her face and my heart breaks.
I give Natalia and Carl their privacy and head to the waiting room. I see a have a few missed calls from Sidney so I call him back.

“Hey Phoenix what’s going on?” he asks.

“Natalia went into labour but there were signs of fetal distress. They had to do a c-section and they took the baby to the NICU to get examined,” I say, tears welling in my eyes.

“I’m sure they’re just making sure everything’s okay,” he says reassuringly.

“I’m so scared for her. She didn’t even get to hold her,”

“It’s a girl?” he asks.

“Yeah. Carl got here just after she was born.”

“Well it’s a good thing she had you. How are your parents?”

“I don’t know. I should call them. I’ll keep you updated.”

“Okay. I’ll be home tomorrow. I love you.” We end the call and I check-up on my parents. They seem to be holding the fort down so I wait in the waiting room patiently for an hour until Dr. Cooper calls my name. He leads me to a recovery room where Natalia is holding the baby.

“Despite the fetal distress, her heart rhythm is completely normal and she appears to be perfectly healthy,” Dr. Cooper informs me. Tears spill over again and I hug Carl.

“Thank god,” I say sniffling. I look at Natalia and she has her glow back. “What’s her name?”

“Scarlett Phoenix Hagelin,” Carl says smiling.

“Are you serious?” I ask shocked. Natalia nods and I start crying all over again. She passes me Scarlett and I gently rock her back and forth. Scarlett Phoenix Hagelin was 7 lbs. 3 oz. and born on January 12 at 2:14 a.m.

“I’m going to be the best aunt ever,” I tell her softly. I stay with them that night and my parents bring Carter and Noah in the morning. I hold Scarlett and Noah in my arms and look down at both of them. They were born twelve days apart and I hoped they’d be best friends.
My mother hadn’t stopped crying since she got here and I could even tell
my dad was emotional.

“I can’t believe my twins are parents,” he says smiling. It was a very bizarre concept that me and Carl were parents. It seemed like just yesterday we were moving to Pittsburgh both unsure of our futures. Carter started to cry and I know it’s time to take him home. I say good-bye to Carl and Natalia and my niece and take my boys home.

Carter had been crying for half an hour when Sidney finally walked through the door. Sidney bends down and picks Carter up from the spot where he had thrown himself down.

“What’s wrong buddy?” Sidney asks. Carter stops crying and I frown. I had tried everything to make him happy but apparently I couldn’t replace the role of dad. “Where’s Noah?”
As if on cue, I hear Noah’s cries through the monitor.

“I got him,” I tell Sidney. I go upstairs and feed Noah. I thought about how many kids I wanted and shook the thought from my head. My hands were full with my toddler and infant and I didn’t have any more arms.

The next year came and went and Noah was a year and Cater was two and a half. We fell into routine pretty quickly. I was the epitome of a stay at home mom. I cleaned the house, did laundry and stayed at home with the boys. It felt as though there was a piece of me missing but I didn’t know how to express it to Sidney. I had never seen him this happy and I wanted to feel that way but I couldn’t. He came home after morning skate and the boys were already down for their naps.

“Hey beautiful,” he says leaning in to kiss me. I pull away and continue to wash the dishes. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing,” I say dismissively.

“Talk to me.”

“Really it’s nothing. You should eat before your food gets cold,” I say gesturing to the chicken parmesan I just took out of the oven. He sits down and starts eating.

“You know when you bottle things up like that, it doesn’t help anyone,” he says seriously.

“I want to go to Breckenridge,” I spit out. He looks surprised at my answer.

“You want to snowboard?” he asks and I nod my head. “You don’t need my permission Phoenix.”

“I know that but I haven’t been away from the boys for more than a few hours. It just seems like a selfish thing to do.”

“You haven’t been snowboarding once since they were born. I think it would be good for you. You’ve been acting off for weeks.” I thought I was doing a better job at hiding it but Sidney knew me too well.

Trina came to stay with the boys and I flew to Breckenridge. I felt guilty about leaving but I also couldn’t help but feel excited. I had waited for this moment for over two years.
I stand at the top of the mountain with Danny and Jack.

“Feels good to be back boys,” I tell them. I point my board down the mountain and set off. I carve back and forth and do some simple turns. After doing a few runs we head to the pipe. I had no idea where I was at skill wise but I was willing to find out. I drop in and do a simple method and it feels okay. I ride to the other side and try pulling a frontside rodeo. It goes terribly and I land on my butt. I try a few other tricks and I either fall or land them awkwardly. I suddenly feel like I’m back to my twelve-year-old self when I went through an extreme growth spurt. My body felt just as awkward now as it did then. My body felt foreign to me in the air.

“You okay?” Danny asks.

“Yeah I just feel off,” I tell him. I spent the rest of day trying all the tricks in my arsenal but I was only able to land a few. Part of me felt scared to try the harder tricks. What if I got injured? It was just about me anymore. I had two little boys who needed me. I try some of the easier tricks but even those didn’t feel right. If I were to take these tricks and compete with them, I’d only maybe get fifth and that’s only in the women’s circuit. I can kiss ever competing in the men’s category goodbye. I head back to my cabin where I spent the next two hours sobbing. A lifetime dedicated to being the best and just like that it’s gone. I think of the last time I competed and how I didn’t know it would be the last time. I mourned for my snowboarding career and deep down I knew I would never get it back. My phone goes off and Sidney wants to facetime. I couldn’t let him see me like this so I ignore the call. I spend the next few days avoiding the pipe and just doing straight down runs on the slopes.
‘This is better than nothing’ my mind reminds me. Was it though? I got no adrenaline rush, no feeling like I was flying. Finally I pack my bags and head back to my life.

Notes