Stockholm Syndrome

When I walk through the door in Pittsburgh it was eerily quiet. I set my bags down and go upstairs. Both Carter’s room and the nursery are empty. I go to our bedroom and find Sidney passed out. I figure Trina must have taken the boys to the park so I stand in the doorway and watch Sidney. I so badly wanted to crawl in his arms and breakdown but nothing he could say or do would be able to fix me. I feel my eyes start to well up and I go to Noah’s nursery and shut the door. I look at the pictures of him lined on the wall and my throat tightens. I had the two most beautiful boys and I should be the happiest person alive but I wasn’t. I suddenly started to feel bad that they ended up with such a selfish mother. I sit there silently crying until I hear noises downstairs. I wipe my eyes and head downstairs.

“Mommy!” Carter yells. He runs up to me and I catch him and swing him in the air.

“There’s my little monster! Mommy missed you,” I say kissing him.

“You’re back! What’s wrong?” Trina says noticing my bloodshot eyes.

“Oh just allergies,” I smile. I put Carter down and Trina hands me Noah. He smiles and giggles and my heart warms. “I missed you too buddy.”
I see Sidney in the corner of my eye wearing a suit and he’s smiling my favourite crooked smile.

“I missed you,” he says hugging me. Noah starts clapping in my arms and I can’t help but smile. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah I’m great now,” I reassure him.

“How was your trip?” he asks.

“It was great. I had so much fun,” I lie.

“I’m glad. I gotta go though.” He kisses me then kisses Noah.

“Carter say bye to daddy,” I tell the two year old.

“Bye daddy!” he exclaims. Sidney leaves and I get the boys ready for the game.

We get to Consol and head up to the wives box and Carter runs to Anna. I sit beside Natalia who has Scarlett standing in front of her. I take Noah and place him on my lap.

“I heard you were back snowboarding! How was it?” Natalia asks.

“It was fine,” I say shrugging.

“That’s it?” I don’t say anything else and she gets the hint. I set Noah on the ground in front of me and he plays with the blocks Natalia brought.

“Well you must be happy to be home.”

“I am. I missed them,” I tell her. The penguins are down 4-0 to Detroit in the third. When Justin Abdelkader scores the fifth goal Sidney breaks his stick on the boards in anger. Petr Mrazek gets the shut out and I drive home with the boys.
I put Noah down as soon we get home and I read a story to Carter.

“I like dogs,” Carter says while pointing to a Dalmatian in the book.

“Yeah? Well maybe we’ll get one one day. But for now we just have Rocky.”

“Rocky the snake!”

“That’s right.” We finish the book and I see his eyelids get heavy. He lies down and I play a c.d with Swedish lullabies. Once I’m sure he’s asleep, I walk across the hall and take a shower. When I come out, Sidney is crawling into bed and I’m not sure whether I should say something. I put a tank top and shorts on and I lay down beside him. He turns off the light and I decide to just try and fall asleep.

“Wake up mommy,” I hear Carter say. I open my eyes and he’s standing in front me smiling.

“Good morning,” I say smiling. I feel Sidney stir behind me so I get up. I head to the nursery where Noah is waiting to be fed. I’m in the middle of feeding him when Sidney comes in.

“Are we okay?” he asks tentatively.

“Why? Cause you ignored me last night? After three years of marriage I’m pretty sure I’m used to it,” I say evenly.

“No not that. I just can’t read you. Is there something going on?”

“No.” Noah finishes feeding and I adjust my shirt and carry him downstairs.

“Morning,” Trina says cheerfully. Sidney eats quickly then leaves for practice. I drop Trina off at the airport then lay on the carpet in the living room while the boys played beside me. This feeling had to pass. I didn’t think I could pretend to be fine much longer. I stare at the ceiling praying that something would change.

The next few months got progressively worse. Me and Sidney were always fighting and it felt like our once indestructible marriage was falling apart at the seams. I was getting worse mentally and it was obvious to everyone.
I was making his pre-game meal like I did every other day for the past two years when he came home from morning skate.

“Are you coming to the game?” he asks.

“I don’t think so, not today,” I reply evenly.

“Why?”

“Because it’s a lot of work taking them to the arena.”

“So? Carter likes to watch.”

“He can watch you on TV.”

“So you’re punishing him for whatever you have against me?” he says irritably.

“This has nothing to do with you,” I say tiredly.

“Where are you?”

“What are you talking about?

“Ever since that stupid trip you went on you’ve been absent.”

“I’ve been here the whole time.”

“You mentally checked out a long time ago,” he says heatedly.

“That’s not true,” I say defensively.

“That trip was supposed to fix you!” he yells.

“You really expected one trip to magically make everything better?”

“Then enlighten me. For the love of god tell me what your fucking problem is. You clearly resent me and I want to know why.” I couldn’t believe how pissed off he was.

“I went snowboarding and I was awful. It’s gone. I lost all the tricks that I worked for years trying to do. I feel like I’m suffocating here and you’re absolutely fine. You get to go to work and do what you love everyday and I’m here with your kids day after day watching you live out your dream,” I say with tears streaming down my face.

“You knew I wanted kids when you married me. I thought you knew what you were getting into when you got pregnant with Carter.”

“I thought I did but then I went to Breck and everything I had worked for was gone. I just realized that I’m never going to snowboard competitively again.”

“Do you regret having children?” How do I answer that? I continue to stand there crying.

“No,” I say with a shaky breath.

“But you’re going to end up resenting them.”

“Not them,” I say quietly.

“Just me,” he says dejectedly.

“Our whole marriage is about you. You pressured me into having kids because you wanted kids. You pressured me into go through with Carter’s pregnancy but it’s what you wanted. I gave up my career for you so that I could have your children. Since day 1 it’s been Sidney’s world and we all just live in it.”
“I’ve spent our entire marriage trying to please you. You’re never happy and you’re selfish. You do whatever you want and you don’t care about anyone else. Don’t act like the martyr. I told you that if you went through with the pregnancy that I would be there for you and I have been. You need to decide if you want this because I’m fine with or without you. I’m giving you a fucking out so if you want to leave, leave.” I stand there shocked. It was like he wanted me to go.

“Fuck you, Sidney.” The hurt and the anger overrode my emotions and I grabbed my keys and I walked out.

Notes