Stockholm Syndrome

It had been a month since Sidney left and I hated sleeping alone. I still hadn’t told him about the pregnancy. The baby was due in June and I was starting to show. I wanted to work things out but I didn’t want the baby to be the reason we jumped back into it. I decided to text him so that we could talk.

Me:
Hey can you come over. I’d like to talk

Sidney:
Sure. I’ll be by after practice

A few hours later the boys were down for their nap. I wore an oversized hoodie so he wouldn’t notice my bump. I hear a knock on the door and realized how bizarre it was that he was knocking on the door of his own house.

“Hey,” I say casually.

“Hey,” he responds coolly. His facial hair looked scruffy and he looked tired. I lead him to the kitchen table and we sit down. It’s quiet for a while so I decide to break the silence.

“I want you to come home. If you want to,” I tell him.

“You do?”

“The boys miss you.” I pause. “I miss you.”

“Absolutely. I’d love to come home,” he says smiling.

“But first. I’ve been going to therapy and working on myself. I need to communicate with you better. I know you ask what’s wrong sometimes and I’ll lie to you about it, so I’ll try to stop doing that. And it seems like the only times we’re totally honest with each other is when we’re angry. If you think I’m selfish or being a bad person tell me. Don’t let it simmer until it boils over. Also I tend to communicate with my body so you have to make sure I’m actually verbalizing to you what I’m feeling and not using sex as a distraction.”

“I can do that.”

“Is there anything you need from me?” I ask.

“I love playing hockey and I want to be able to share what I do with you but if you resent me for it because you can’t snowboard tell me.”

“I did resent you but I don’t now. My goal in life was to become the world’s best snowboarder and I did that. I now realize that that part of my life is over now and I accept that. I have a very bright future with my amazing children that I can look forward to.”

“Okay.” He says smiling wide.

“And lastly, I know being bipolar isn’t just going to be hard on me but hard on you too, so please just don’t give up on me,” I say quietly.

“Phoenix I love you. I love everything about you, flaws and all and I’m going to be here through the ups and downs. I’m not going anywhere,” he says seriously.
I get up and sit on his lap and kiss him. Time stops and I finally get what I’ve been craving for months. He pulls away smiling and I rub my nose against his.

“I have a surprise. Don’t hate me,” I tell him. He gives me quizzical look and I pull my hoodie up so that my bump is showing. He puts his hand on my stomach and his eyes are wide.

“You didn’t…?” I shake my head and he kisses me harder.

Skylar Noelle Crosby was born at 6:27 p.m. on June 27 2018. I sit in the nursery singing her to sleep. Sidney and I were finally in a good place and the longing for snowboarding grew less. I was on variety of medications that slowed down my thoughts and helped make everything seem clearer. I no longer felt the need to lock myself in the nursery and cry anymore. I stand up and take Skylar downstairs where Sidney’s playing with the boys.

“How’s our girl?” Sidney asks.

“She’s good. I can’t get over how quiet she is,” I reply. I look down at the sleeping baby and smile. Everyone kept calling her Phoenix junior because of the resemblance. She had black hair and blue eyes just like me. Carter at 3 years old was a miniature Sidney with brown curly hair and hazel eyes. Noah was our black sheep and looked more like Carl with his blonde hair and blue eyes.

“Noah definitely got the Swedish genes,” I laugh. Noah hears his name and begins smiling. The front door opens and Natalia and Carl walk in with Scarlett.

“We have news,” Carl says smiling.

“What?” I ask excitedly.

“We’re engaged!” Natalia exclaims.

“Oh my god! Congratulations!” I scream. Skylar wakes up but doesn’t cry. Natalia show’s me the ring and it’s huge but it’s very Natalia.

“Wow, that’s awesome,” Sidney says smiling. I start dancing and Carter joins me. Noah and Scarlett just sit there and giggle.

“How’d you propose?” I ask Carl.

“We took Scarlett to the science centre and I proposed in the planetarium under all the stars,” he says sheepishly.

“Look at you. That’s actually so romantic,” I say surprised.

“I actually have you to thank. You gave me the idea when we were sixteen. We went to the planetarium in Stockholm and you were like ‘if you ever like a girl bring her here. Girls love this shit’” he says smiling. We all burst out laughing and I remember that day vividly.
Carl and Carter started playing mini sticks while Sidney played with Noah. Sidney already had Carter in skates and I was impressed at how well he was doing for a 3 year old. He was able to shuffle around slowly without help. I didn’t want to force hockey on Carter but he already had a love for it. Mini sticks was a part of our daily routine and he usually made me play goalie. It got late and soon it was bedtime. I watch while Sidney reads Carter a bedtime story. Noah and Skylar were already asleep but Carter liked to stay up late.

“Can we play tomorrow?” Carter asks after reading his hockey book.

“Maybe. But you have to go to bed first,” Sidney tells him. Sidney and I kiss him goodnight and leave his room.

“He’s 3 and he’s obsessed. Good job dad,” I say shaking my head,

“What can I say? He’s a Crosby,” Sidney says smiling. I head to the bedroom exhausted and climb into bed. Sidney gets undressed and climbs into bed beside me.

“I feel like they’re growing too fast. It feels like just yesterday I was catching Noah on the side of the freeway and now he’s walking and talking. Or Carter even. I remember the day you told me you were pregnant and now he’s skating,”

“He’ll be starting hockey soon. Aren’t you excited?” I ask him.

“I’m worried. There’s going to be so much pressure on him if he plays hockey.”

“If there is so what. We’ll remind him that he doesn’t have to be the best he just has to enjoy it. He’s a Crosby. He’ll be able to handle it,” I reassure him.

Notes