Stockholm Syndrome

I drove and drove and drove until I was sick of the scenery so I stopped in a dead end town. I got a room in a scuzzy motel and flopped on the bed. I didn’t even know what town I was in but I didn’t care. I stare at the celling and think about our fight. I feel sick to my stomach and run to the bathroom and throw-up a few times. All the stress was negatively impacting my body but I didn’t know what to do. Normally when I ran away I flew somewhere to go snowboarding but snowboarding was the last thing I wanted to do. The more I thought about the more I didn’t care about it. Right now all I cared about was Noah and Carter. How could I have been so selfish? I was so obsessed with snowboarding that I didn’t even realize the two little boys that had changed my entire life. Losing snowboarding was nothing compared to losing them. I get in my jeep and drive overnight back to Pittsburgh.

I walk through the door and it’s quiet. I look around and the house is empty. Another wave of nausea hits and I throw-up into the toilet. I look to the basket by the sink that has a box tampons sitting in it. No. No no no no. I count the days since my last period and I realize I’m late. This can’t be happening. I look under the sink and grab the spare pregnancy test I had. I pee on the stick and wait for the results. Two lines appear and I throw the test. I look at my reflection and I don’t recognize myself. I punch the mirror and it shatters into a hundred pieces in the sink. Blood starts spurting everywhere and I know I’ve hit an artery. I hear a noise behind me and I spin around and find Sidney standing there with a look of horror on his face. My hand is bleeding heavily and I start to feel faint.

“What are you doing?!” he yells. He looks down and sees the positive pregnancy test.

“You’re…” he trails off.

“Where are they?”

“Phoenix,” he says, his voice pleading. I grab a towel and push past him. I grab my keys but he grabs my arm.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” I growl. I go outside and I start feeling lightheaded. I get in my vehicle and head downtown. I head up the familiar steps and I’m about to open the door when everything goes black.

I wake up and my hand is throbbing. I look around and Sidney and Carl are sitting in the corner watching me. My hand is stitched up so I get off the bed and rip my I.V. out

“Where are you going?” Sidney asks worriedly.

“I need to seem them,” I say irritably. A short older doctor walks in the room with a smile on his face.

“Ah Phoenix, I’m Dr. Francis. I’m a psychiatrist. How are you feeling?” I ignore him and put my sweater on. “Phoenix we have some things to talk about. Starting with your hand. What happened?” he asks me. I wanted to push past him and leave but something was telling me to cooperate.

“I punched a mirror.”

“Why?”

“Because I was angry.”

“Why were you angry?” he asks. I swallow and look at Sidney.

“Because I found out I’m pregnant.”

“Do you have a history of violent outbursts?”

“No.”

“In your chart it was written that you have suffered from depressive episodes but what they failed to notice was that you were actually suffering from manic episodes as well.

“Manic episodes?”

“Yes I talked with your brother and husband and they gave me a large range of personality traits that are similar in those who are manic.”

“Like what?”

“Like you have gone through times of reckless behaviour. Spending sprees, binge drinking, inappropriate sexual relations, putting yourself in dangerous snowboarding scenarios. They say you’ve been at times distracted, talkative and have a decreased need for sleep.”

“I’m not bipolar.”

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of. With the right medication it can be manageable. When you’re stable you won’t have depressive or manic episodes,” I feel tears sting my eyes. I couldn’t be bipolar. How could I be bipolar and raise children? I look at Sidney and Carl and they look sad.

“As for your pregnancy, once you’ve had the child we will be able to put you on other medications.”

“I’m not continuing with the pregnancy,” I reply despondently.

“Oh. Well we’ll schedule an appointment to meet with me and I’ll prescribe you an anti-depressant, a mood stabilizer and an anti-psychotic. I’ll come back in a few hours and do another psych evaluation to see if you can go home.” He writes in my chart then leaves with the nurse.

“I’ll come back,” Carl says and then leaves.

“You’re not keeping it?” Sidney asks, his voice weak.

“You really think I’m going to bring another child into all this?”

“But Phoenix, it’s our child.”

“Yeah but it’s my body. My decision.”

“This could be a really good thing.”

“You think I want to have a baby with someone who hates me? A baby whose mom is mentally unstable? I bet you’re never going to let me near Carter and Noah again.”

“You’re their mother. I know you would never do anything to hurt them. You being bipolar doesn’t make me view you any different. And I don’t hate you. Phoenix I love you so much that it’s killing me.”

“You should go.” He takes a deep breath before leaving. Carl enters the room and I break down.

“Hey it’s going to be okay,” he says in Swedish, hugging me.

“I feel like my whole world is falling apart and I can only sit and watch,” I say sniffling.

“I know this feels like rock bottom but as corny as it sounds you can only go up from here.”

“How are Carter and Noah?”

“They’re good. They miss you though,” he replies.

“Like why me? Why couldn’t I be normal?”

“You not being normal is what makes you so awesome. You were meant to stand out of the crowd. If I could take your mental illness away I would.”

“Thanks for being my brother,” I say softly.

“Thanks for being my sister.”

I walk through the door at home the next day awkwardly and Carter comes running up to me.

“Mommy I missed you!” he says hugging me tightly.

“I missed you too buddy.” I reply. Sidney walks downstairs holding Noah and Noah reaches out for me.

“There he is.” I take Noah and rub my nose against his.
Sidney stands there awkwardly and I try to find the right words to say.

“These two are the best things to have ever happened to me. I will never again question that and snowboarding may have a small part of heart but they have the whole thing. They are my entire world and you can’t take them away from me.” I say, my eyes watering.

“I’m not,” he replies. I look and I see bags packed by the door.

“What?”

“You should stay here with them. You’re their mom. They need you.” I didn’t know what to say.

“My appointment’s tomorrow. I thought you should know.” He looks sad but doesn’t say anything.
He kisses the boys good-bye and leaves.

I put my feet in the cold stirrups and take a deep breath.

“Just think of something else,” Natalia tells me. I didn’t think this was going to be this hard but my eyes kept watering every time I remembered what I was doing.

“Okay Phoenix, we’re going to start,” the doctor says kindly. I feel something enter me and I panic.

“Wait stop!” I yell. She removes the device and I relax. “I’m sorry I can’t do this.”
She cleans me up and I get changed.

“You’re not going through with it?” Natalia asks.

“I can’t.”

“So now what?”

“I don’t know.”

I was going to therapy regularly and I actually found it was helping.

“Maybe a part of you wants this baby after all,” Tracy says from her couch.

“But a baby doesn’t make sense right now. I mean we’re separated.” I tell her.

“Maybe there’s a part of you that believes this baby will fix everything.”

“I don’t want to be the couple that has a kid to save their marriage.”

“People do it. Sometimes it works. You guys didn’t purposely try to have a baby to fix your marriage so maybe it was meant to be.”

“I remember the night me and Sidney conceived this baby. We didn’t talk, and we didn’t even look at each other. I had hoped that sex would bring us closer but it felt like having sex with a stranger,” I say sadly.

“And you’re used to sex bringing you closer,” she says while writing on her clipboard.

“That’s how I solve problems.”

“So you’ve used sex as a tool. It’s how you communicate but have to tried using words?”

“Anytime I actually use my words, it’s when I blow up at him. “

“So use sex as a distraction. You avoid the problem by becoming physically intimate and the problem doesn’t get solved. It just sits and boils until it finally boils over and you explode.” I stare at the vase full of flowers on her table and mull over her words.

“I’m guessing this is how it’s been in previous relationships? Sex has overruled verbally communicating?” she asks. I nod and she flips the page. “Why do you think that is?”

“I don’t know.”

“You’re a very attractive girl, there’s no doubt about it. I’m guessing all guys care about is your body and not your mind. You’re so used to males using sex as a form of intimacy that you never really learned what being emotionally intimate was like.” Her words made sense. I remember Shaun would always shut me out but come running back to me for sex. Even Sidney does it.

“So I need to verbalize more. So I can be emotionally intimate and not just physically intimate.”

“I think it’s a step in the right direction,” she nods. I stare down at the stitches in my hand and think about our conversation.

“So how have you been doing since your diagnosis?” she asks. I sigh loudly and look out the window.

“Okay I guess. I’m still coming to terms with it all.”

“It’s okay to not be okay Phoenix,” she says seriously.

“I want to be okay. I want to be the person that strives and doesn’t let their mental illness hold them back I just don’t know how.”

“Phoenix you have a system. You have doctors and medications to help make sure you’re stable. You have me to talk to and you have a husband who loves you.”
Her timer dings and she closes her clipboard.

“Well looks like our time is up.” I grab my coat and head home with Tracy’s words echoing through my head. I did have a system but my future with Sidney was still unclear.

Notes

Thanks for reading!