I wake up to Sid’s alarm and I roll over to face him. I smile and run my fingers through his hair. I couldn’t believe that I got to wake up to this gorgeous man.

“You have practice don’t you?” I ask disapprovingly.

“Unfortunately yes,” he replies before kissing me. We both get up and start getting ready.

“So there’s this dinner tonight. All the guys and their wives and girlfriends will be there. I was thinking that maybe we should tell them there?” he asks hesitantly. After a long while I finally agree. We eat breakfast in a hurry and then Sidney drops me off at home. I decide to take a bath and think about the upcoming dinner. I was going to have to face the music sooner or later. I was surprised that Sidney was ready to tell people so soon, even if it was just his teammates. What would people think of Sidney? He was always known as the nice guy, would this change people’s view of him? I started to feel as though I was having a negative impact on Sidney. I certainly wasn’t making his life any easier. The water gets cold so I get out and start to get ready for this dinner. At least it was a casual dinner. I decide to wear a pair a blue skinny jeans and an off the shoulder grey long sleeve shirt. Sidney texted me saying he was here so I headed downstairs to meet him.

“You look nice,” he says warmly. I smile weakly. We drive to the restaurant in silence, both unsure of what the dinner was going to be like. After twenty minutes, we finally get there and my stomach is doing flips. Sidney grabs my hand and I take a deep breath. We walk into the restaurant and everyone turns to look at us. Everyone looks shocked and I anxiously wait for someone to something.

“You together?” Geno asks.

“Uh yeah, we are,” Sidney says nervously.

“Is great!” He replies, hugging us. The rest of the guys start high fiving Sidney.

“Well this is new,” Vero says, smiling. All I can do is smile and nod. I look over at the wags and they’re all staring at me. I awkwardly sit down and stay quiet. I see Vero excuse herself to the bathroom and I decide to follow. She’s checking her reflection and I decide to take the moment to finally say something.

“I know this is really weird, and you probably must think I’m a whore,” I say dramatically.

“Oh no sweetie! I don’t think that at all. It’s sudden yes,
\but I know Sidney and he doesn’t just date girls like that, which leads me to believe you two must be serious.” I nod and she smiles.

“The other wags probably won’t take this well.”

“They’ll get over it eventually. Some of them were close with Kathy.” We head back out and I can clearly tell people are talking about me. I decide that I don’t really care and sit back down. I take this to finally be able to act like a couple with Sidney. We share food, hold hands and laugh. This is what I wanted and I decided the pros outweighed the cons.

---

After the dinner we get to my apartment and head to my room for privacy.

“Do you have any advil?” he asks, rubbing his temple.

“Yeah in the bathroom cabinet,” I reply. I change into an old t-shirt and spandex shorts and hop into bed. He comes out bathroom with a worried expression on his face.

“I didn’t mean to snoop, but you have a lot of medications in there. Are you sick?” he asks concerned. Fuck. I forgot my meds were in there. I’ve battled with depression and I’ve always been extremely ashamed of it. I wasn’t planning on telling Sidney this so soon. Either I was going to lie to his face about it or come clean.

“I sometimes struggle with depression. I was diagnosed when I was 15 and I’ve been in and out of therapy for it since,” I say, looking at my hands. Sidney sits down next to me and grabs my hand.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I’m ashamed of it. I didn’t want you to find out.”

“What did you think it was going scare me away? I’m not going anywhere Phoenix,” he says calmly.

“That’s easy for you to say because I’m stable now. But when I get depressed it can get really severe and I’m not sure you’ll be able to handle it,” I reply truthfully.

“I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through, but I can tell you for certain that I’m always going to be there for you, even if it gets bad. I love you Phoenix and nothing you say is going to change that.” I finally look at him, my eyes wide. Did he really just say that?
“I mean it. I know it’s soon but I knew from the moment I met you. I love you. I’m in love with you.” I lay on his chest and he shuts my lamp off. I lay there still in his arms, listening to his heartbeat until I fall asleep.

The next morning Sidney leaves and I go to the kitchen to have breakfast.

“Mornin’” Carl says, his mouth full of cereal.
“He told me he loved me,” I spit out. He looks shocked at first but then gains his composure.

“Wow, that’s big. You don’t look happy though.” Bobbie replies.

“I didn’t say it back. I mean I feel it, I just don’t know how to verbalize it.”

“Just because he said it, doesn’t mean you’re obligated to. Say it when you’re ready,” Carl says simply.

---

The next couple weeks take a downward turn. The pens were on a major losing streak and I could see the effect it was having on Sidney. We were watching TV one evening at his house when they started talking about the penguins and how Crosby just wasn’t producing.

“I can change it,” I say awkwardly.

“No it’s fine,” he replies shortly. He gets up and walks towards the kitchen. I follow him and find him filling up his water bottle at the sink. I walk up behind and wrap my arms around his waist.

“Don’t listen to them babe, I love you and that’s all that matters.”

“What did you just say?” he asks, turning around.

“I said don’t listen to them?” I reply, confused.

“No you said I love you.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes you did. You said I love you and that’s all that matters,” he says smiling. I did say it. It must have slipped out.

“I meant it. I love you Sidney Crosby,” I say smiling.

“Finally you say it back.” I playfully punch him and he laughs.

---

“I’m sad you’re leaving,” I say hugging Bobby the next day.

“I’ll be back soon enough. Maybe when your guy’s schedule isn’t so hectic,” he laughs. “You really should make a trip back home, mom and dad really miss you.” By mom and dad I knew he just meant dad.

“Like you said, schedule’s hectic.” I say dismissing the topic. He shakes his head and sighs.

“Either way, we’re still coming to Sochi.” He leaves to board his plane and I make my way back to the apartment.

---

Over the next couple months, mine and Sidney’s relationship fell into routine pretty fast. I stayed at his place the majority of the time and often cooked and cleaned for him. I was snowboarding less and less, I started doing things with the other wags and suddenly I didn’t recognize my life anymore. I don’t know when exactly it happened but one day something shifted. I started feeling stuck in Pittsburgh and as much as I tried to hide it, I knew Sidney was catching on until he finally called me out on it.

“What’s with you lately?” he asks irritably one evening.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lie.

“Cut the bullshit Phoenix, you’ve been acting off for weeks.”

“I just don’t think this is working anymore.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Me and you. It all happened so fast. We just don’t make sense. You want someone who wants kids and has supper waiting for you. I’m not that girl.”

“Don’t do that. Don’t tell me what I want,” he growls.

“You should have stayed with Kathy. You two would have been really happy together,” I say gravely. He stares at me for a long time before replying.

“You’re running. Things get a little tough and you’re ready to pack up and go.”

“What’s the point? You’re ashamed of me anyhow,” I say irritably.

“Me wanting my privacy doesn’t mean I’m ashamed of you,” he spits back.

“Oh yeah, then why haven’t I met your parents yet?” He stays silent. I try to leave but he grabs my arm. I know he wasn’t going to let me go like this. I had to hurt him.

“This isn’t enough for me,” I say slowly and make eye contact. “You’re not enough for me,” I say harshly. His hand drops from my arm and I grab my keys and leave. I wait until I’m driving to start crying. What did I just do? I get to the apartment and walk inside.

“Hey you left-,” Carl begins. He stops when he sees my face. I go into my room and slam the door. I throw myself on my bed and begin sobbing. Sidney may not thank me now, but he deserved an out. He deserved someone who added positivity to his life. I spend the next three days locked up in my room crying. After the crying finally stops, the numbness sets in. I get up and start packing my bag and grab my passport. I walk out of my room and Carl jumps up.

“Where are you going?” he asks concerned.

“I don’t know yet,” I reply.

“Disappearing is not the answer Phoenix.”

“Bye Carl.” I push past him and leave.

Notes