I look around the dimly lit bar and order another drink. I hear my phone go off and see that it’s Carl.

“Hello?” I say dully.

“Finally. Jesus Phoenix you could have let me know you’re alive,” he says angrily.

“I’m alive,” I say annoyed.

“Look I know you think you’re the only one suffering but Sid’s in bad shape. He’s late for practice, he getting in fights, he’s not scoring.” This was the last thing I needed to hear.

“Look I gotta go.” I hang up and take my shot.
I was in Whistler, Canada and had visited this bar everyday for the last week. The bartender seemed concerned but it’s not like I was doing anything. I just needed the alcohol and the loud music. I felt like a zombie. I had ruined the best thing to have ever happened to me. Part of me wanted to go running back and apologize. Tell him I wasn’t thinking and that I loved him but I knew that was selfish. I was just like a roller coaster. I was thrilling to be on in the beginning but I usually just left you feeling sick after awhile and that’s the last thing Sidney needed. Right now all I needed to do was focus on feeling something. Anything.

“This is from the guy over there,” the bartender tells me, pouring me a shot of tequila. I look over and see Stale Sandbech. He was a Norwegian slopestyle snowboarder that I had boarded with before. He comes over and takes the seat next me.

“Phoenix Hagelin, what are you doing here?” he asks smiling. Stale was a teen heartthrob. He constantly had girls throwing themselves at him and I could see why. He was cute and he was a decent enough guy.

“Just training, what about you?”

“Came to visit Max,” he says pointing towards the Canadian snowboarder on the dance floor.

“Funny how a Swede and a Norwegian meet up in Canada of all places.” He laughs. I smile weakly and take the shot.
I wave at the bartender to pour me another one.

“I’m really happy I bumped into you,” Stale says, sipping his beer.

“Oh yeah, why’s that?”

“You’re the coolest snowboarder on the circuit. Everyone either wants to be you or be with you.” I wasn’t sure about how I felt about his statement.

“I’m serious. For example, that bartender will probably continue to pour you drinks long after you should be cut off.” He was right. This whole week that bartender continued to serve me, even when I was way past my limit.

“Life must be easy when you’re that hot,” he says casually.

“It’s not,” I reply. I order a beer and I challenge Stale to a drinking contest.

“If I chug my beer the fastest, you have to dance with me,” I say feeling quite inebriated,

“And if I win?”

“We go back to your cabin.”

“You’re on,” he says smiling. We count to three and I start to chug my beer. I finish the last gulp only to find Stale has beaten me. We leave the bar and walk to his cabin. The sky is a light purple and it’s snowing lightly. It would almost be romantic, had it been under different circumstances.
We get to his cabin and it’s clear that guys are staying there. He pours me another drink. Sidney’s favorite drink. My chest starts to hurt and I quickly down the glass and try to get Sidney’s face out of my head. I follow Stale into his room and he looks at me for a while.
I take my clothes off and lay down on the bed. Stale follows suit and grabs a condom from his dresser. We start to make out sloppily and he slips two fingers inside. Everything feels wrongs but I can’t bring myself to stop him. He continues his line of kisses down my neck all while pumping his fingers in and out. I take the condom and roll it on him. I get on top of him and start to ride him slowly. He moans my name I start to pick up the pace. I continue to ride him until he tenses up inside of me.

“Fuck Phoenix,” he yells out. He goes limp and I climb off of him and lay down beside him. I can’t believe I just did that. There was no going back now. The fifteen minutes of bad sex made me feel awful. I wait for Stale to pass out before getting dressed and sneaking out. I get back to my cabin and I go to bed, trying to forget what just happened.

I wake up the next morning and am surprised I don’t feel hungover. It takes me about five minutes to figure out the reason I don’t feel hungover is because I’m still drunk. Deciding to get some fresh air I grab my snowboard and gear and head to the mountain. Feeling unsteady I head to the slopestyle course. I barely manage to get across the rails before I come across the first jump. I hurl my body into the air and try to rotate. I see the landing coming close and panic. I put my arms out to break my fall and hear a loud snap. A searing pain starts radiating in my arm and I know immediately that my arm is broken. Two breaks in a matter of months. I had cracked a rib on a rail about a month ago. Bud was going to kill me. I get myself to the medic office where I’m driven to the hospital to get my arm set. I get it set and they put it in a black cast. On the way back I contemplate how far I’d fallen. I had nearly ruined my shot at the Olympics. Something had to change.

---

I walk into the apartment in Pittsburgh a few days later only to find it a complete mess.

“What the hell happened to your arm?” Carl asks, jumping up from the couch.

“Training accident. I’m fine.” I reply grimly.

“I’m glad you’re back. You look rough though,” he says while hugging me. I looked in the mirror and he was right. I looked like a skeleton. My face was pale and sunken in and I had deep dark circles under my eyes. I put my stuff in the room and Carl excuses himself to bathroom.
I’m putting stuff away when I hear a knock on the door. I answer it only to find James, Geno and Sidney standing there.

“Phoenix!” Geno says picking my up. I wince slightly and he puts me down immediately. “Oh yeah, rib. I sorry. What happened to arm?”

“Snowboarding accident,” I say, my eyes not leaving Geno’s.

“You came back even more broken than when you left,” James says laughing. I finally build up the courage to look at Sidney. We make eye contact and my heart sinks. He looked tired.

“Sorry about the wait guys,” Carl says, finally joining us.

“You join for lunch?” Geno asks hopefully.

“I can’t. I have to unpack and I’m pretty tired.” They all start leave and Sidney tells them he’ll meet them downstairs. What was he going say? My heart starts racing and I’m sure he can hear it from where he’s standing.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were back,” he says seriously.

“I just got back today,” I reply weakly.

“I’m glad you’re back.” He turns and leaves and I'm left standing there dumbfounded. What did he mean by that? Was he actually glad I was back? I head back to my room where I know I’ll spend the next few hours overthinking our conversation.

I wake up from a nap check the clock. 12:05 am. I get up and find Carl’s door shut. I knock and open the door to find him sleeping.

“Carl wake up,” I say, sitting down on his bed.

“What?” he responds groggily.

“I think I made a mistake.”

“What kind of mistake?”

“Breaking up with Sidney. I thought I was doing to best thing for him, but these have been the worst few weeks of my life.”

“You should talk to him,” Carl replies simply.

“I thought I was saving him from myself,” I say sadly.

“Why don’t you let him be in charge of saving himself. Phoenix I know you think you’re this burden to everyone you love but you’re not. We all love you, flaws and all. “ I feel myself tearing up. I know Carl would never lie to me about this kind of stuff. I leave his room and go get dressed. I needed to tell Sidney how I felt. I needed to be honest about everything. I grab my keys and drive to his house.

Notes