(This is a serious chapter, but please appreciate his arms with me.)

“No, you need to listen to me, I cannot leave her alone, so just…do whatever the fuck you need to do and let me see her.”

“Sir, I’ve already told you, the doctor is with her and she can’t have visitors right now.”

Michael slammed both hands down on the partition that separated him from the infuriating woman he was talking to. “Then tell me what the fuck is going on!”

She spoke as if to a child, condescending and slowly. “Again, I’ve told you this, I can’t release her information to you. You are not a family member.”

“I swear on everything holy, if something happens to her while you’re sitting here arguing with me I’m going to -”

His threat was cut off when he felt a hand on his back. He turned to see Contessa and she pulled him in for a life affirming hug. “I came as soon as I could. Are you okay?”

Michael laughed, it was so like her to ask about his well being even at a time like this. “I’ve been better. They won’t fucking tell me anything.”

He felt her nod against his shoulder and then pull away, speaking now to the woman who had been refusing Michael everything he needed. “I’m Contessa Higgins, her emergency contact. I’m sure you can look that up and then you need to tell me what’s happening.”

The woman pulled up Ryan’s records and shook her head. “There is no Contessa Higgins as her contact person.”

Contessa allowed herself a moment of amused amazement at Ryan’s prompt attention to detail in her life. “Damn, she’s quick. I just got married a few weeks ago, it’s Contessa Crosby.”

The woman nodded and then said uselessly, “The doctor is with her, right now we don’t know what’s happening.”

Michael raged, “And you couldn’t have just fucking said that!”

Contessa pulled Michael away from the desk. “Alright, it’s okay.” To the woman she said, “We’re gonna sit, please let the doctor know that we’re here.”

He threw himself in a chair, leaning back and closing his eyes as he let out a strangled, half sob of a breath. Contessa patted his thigh, somehow calm. “It’s gonna be alright, Raff. She can’t die.”

“Everyone dies, Contessa. And you didn’t see her. I’ve never…she’s so strong all the time. It hurt so badly to see her like that. This is my fault.”

“What? Not at all. I’m so glad you were with her, you brought her here right away, you did nothing wrong.”

He finally looked at her, shaking his head. “You don’t understand, I did this. I wanted her to be weak, I wanted to break her down so she would let me in. I hoped for this, for her to need me.”

“Raff, that is not true at all. She’s sick, something is wrong, you had nothing to do with that.”

“I feel like I did. Like I brought this down on her with my selfishness.”

Contessa said firmly, “No, no you didn’t. You might have saved her life.”

“Yeah, she’s gonna love that. She’ll probably be so pissed that I had to rescue her she’ll just leave me.”

He laughed a little and Contessa smiled. “She can’t die, Raff. I need her too much and so do you. We can will her to survive if we have to, I know we can. You just need to have faith. She is strong and stubborn as hell. She’s not gonna go out like this, I promise.”

“How are you so calm right now? I feel like I’m losing my mind. I want to scream and cry and kill that fucking woman over there.”

“You know, if I was alone, or with Crosby here, I would feel like you do. But we can’t both lose it, someone has to be the strong one. I can be that for her, for you.”

“You’re something else, Philly, you really are. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Just…try to relax. There is nothing we can do right now, but just believe in her strength.”

Relaxing was not a possibility for either of them and they both knew it. Contessa might have been steady on the outside, but inside she felt worse than Michael. When he called her on their way to the hospital, she had immediately broken down into tears. Ryan was never sick, hardly ever even got a cold so to know she had consented to an ambulance being called made Contessa realize that this thing was not a joke, not an overreaction.

She was right about one thing though, there was nothing to do, nothing either of them wanted to do either. They sat there side by side in the teal colored hospital waiting room chairs, staring off into space or at the floor or the ceiling, turning their heads every time the swinging doors opened to their left, always hoping it was the doctor coming for them.

Several hours later, Contessa was dozing off, as it was the middle of the night, but Michael was still staring at nothing and running through the heartbreaking thoughts he was left alone with. Finally, they heard what they had been waiting for.

“Contessa Crosby?”

They both jumped up and a man in pale blue scrubs came over and led them through the doors. “I’m Dr. Coates, I’ve been taking care of Ryan.”

Michael couldn’t wait and asked, “Is she alright?”

“She is, sorry, I should have lead with that. Her appendix burst and we had to remove it. She’s still sedated, but you can see her. She should be just fine.”

Michael allowed himself to breathe and he looked at Contessa who smiled. “Good, good. Thank you.”

“You’re quite welcome. Are you Mike?”

“I am. Why?”

The doctor stopped in front of a closed door and chuckled. “Well, she got pretty belligerent when we were trying to figure what was wrong and she started screaming about how her boyfriend Mike was going to kick my ass if I touched her stomach again.”

Michael had to laugh, it was just so like Ryan. “Sounds about right.”

“She also started muttering your name when we put her under, so you obviously mean a great deal to her. I heard you had some issues, with the staff, so I went ahead and added you to her chart as a family member. If anyone asks, you’re cousins. You shouldn’t have any other problems, but if you do, just tell them to page me.”

Michael resisted the urge to hug the man. “Thank you so much. I do appreciate it.”

“No problem. Stay as long as you want, even for the rest of the night. The nurse will be through in a bit to check on her.”

He left with a smile and Contessa and Michael went in. While he was thankful she was alright, the pain in his heart didn’t subside just yet because she looked small and helpless lying there in a hospital bed. The lights were low and the soft and steady beat of her heart rate monitor was the only haunting noise in the room.

There were two chairs along the wall and Contessa grabbed them both, dragging them towards the bed and putting Michael in one as she took the other. She took hold of Ryan’s hand and now allowed herself to cry.

“I’m so mad at you, Ryan. How fucking dare you do this to us. I was having such a good month, too.”

Michael couldn’t say anything, just stared at the seemingly lifeless shell of his sweetheart. This was the opposite of how he know her: bright and bold and indestructible. Now she was dulled, fragile, and it broke his heart. He had been wrong to ever want this, to ever desire that she see how she could need him. He would take it all back if only to see her well and telling him off again. She would be well again, he knew that, but this was a terrible moment that he wanted over as quickly as possible.

There was something else that was bothering him, too. Something he knew Ryan would never tell him, as much as she claimed she might someday. If this were him, his family would be here, his parents, his brother. He knew Ryan had family and knowing they weren’t her for her now enraged him beyond comprehension. It was wrong, but he also knew that the one person who could help him understand Ryan was sitting in front of him and she was feeling as vulnerable as he was right now.

“Contessa.”

“Hmm?”

“Where is her family?”

Contessa looked at him over her shoulder, her eyes wet with tears, but she gave him a sad smile. “Her family is right here. In this room.”

Michael couldn’t take much more of this. His heart was already being ravaged by seeing Ryan hurt, but still not understanding was suddenly too much. He took Contessa’s hand, squeezing it hard, fighting back tears. “Please. Please help me understand. You know that she…won’t…”

She turned in her seat and took both of Michael’s hands in hers. “She doesn’t just not talk about it because she doesn’t trust you. It’s also just not pleasant.”

“I didn’t think it would be. I still want to know. I need to know. Please, please help me understand why she only has you, even now. I want to understand.”

“You really are a good guy, Raffl.” Contessa took a breath, made a decision, and said quietly. “Her mother committed suicide when she was very young…and Ryan found the body.” Michael felt that statement like a blow to the head and he squeezed her hand as she went on. “That alone will fuck somebody up, but her father…he was just indifferent, is the best way to put it. He was indifferent towards his wife’s suffering and towards Ryan. Her mom suffered from depression most of her life and was just the sort of woman who needed a lot of love and support, which she didn’t get from her family or her husband. I have no idea why she married Ryan’s dad, but…who knows. Anyway, after her mother died, her dad passed her off on his sister, he just didn’t want to be a father. He was never interested in caring for Ryan at all. She was raised by a few different relatives for a while, but…Ryan has never been easy to deal with, even as a child. She has the will of beast, that one. When she was about seven, her dad surrendered his parental rights and they put her in foster care and that’s where she stayed.”

Contessa looked back at Ryan with a sort of pained affection. She continued when she looked back at Michael. “She won’t talk about that, not even with me, her time in the system. I get the feeling…she was abused, but I don’t know how or when or… All I know is, she turned eighteen, changed her name, and decided to move on. She’s never been close, with anyone, just me. Growing up like that, no mother, father and family that gave you away, raised by people who don’t actually give a shit about you…It’s not easy for her to be open, you know? She doesn’t trust anyone and she has a difficult time even admitting to herself that she has feelings, let alone telling other people about them. It’s not because she doesn’t want to care or be loved, but she’s so scared of being hurt again.”

Michael’s voice almost broke. “Yeah…I know.”

Contessa smiled at a memory and went on, “But she has me and my mom…and now you. She also had a dancer instructor who helped her a lot when she was young, kept her in school, made sure she was at least semi-functional in the world. And I think that’s why she teaches, but I know that’s why she volunteers. That woman, Jessica Ryan was her name, she passed away a few years ago and I think she feels like she’s keeping her memory alive by helping other kids.”

Michael was unable to look at Contessa or Ryan because his heart ached too badly and he didn’t want to start crying. Not because he wanted to look tough, but because he needed to be strong for her. Especially now.

Contessa squeezed his hands and he finally looked up. “She can love, Raff, I know for a fact she can. I’ve felt it and it’s so beautiful and strong and like nothing else you can imagine. She wants so badly to be different from her father that she isn’t neutral about anything. She loves and hates with so much force it’s unbelievable. She cares about you and she may never say it but I know that she could love you, she may already. She’s not broken, she’s just very fragile. Please don’t…don’t let this drive you away.”

“It won’t. I’m here. I want to be here.”

Contessa nodded and turned away from him again. Folding her arms on the bed and resting her chin on them as she leaned over to watch Ryan sleep.

Michael didn’t know what to say, what to think, or how to feel. He had said he wanted to understand, but the pain in his heart was so overwhelming he almost regretted asking. Then, he realized that if he hurt this much, hearing bits and pieces of the story of her life, how much pain was Ryan in? He really couldn’t think about that or he wasn’t going to make it.

He could only think to ask, “What’s her name? Her other name.”

“Tara Jacobs. But don’t ever say that name to her, Raff. The shit she’s been through…somethings really should be forgotten. I don’t blame her for trying to put it behind her. Somethings you can’t fix, Raff. You just have to accept them the way they are.”

He asked, “Her name, her real name…Jessica Ryan, Ryan. Your mother Mackenzie…”

Now Contessa smiled and turned around. “Yeah…her mom’s name was Shawn. Ryan rebuild herself with their names because she said they were the only ones who ever cared. I’ll give you one guess as to what her middle name is.”

Michael smiled, “Contessa?”

“Close, it’s actually Countess de Winter, she claims it was because she loves The Three Musketeers, but I’m pretty sure it was for me and she just didn’t want me to know she was THAT sentimental.”

Michael laughed loudly and it felt good to feel something other than pain. “I’m pretty sure it was, as well.”

Contessa chuckled. “You should get some sleep. I’ll sit with her. You’ll want to be lucid when she wakes up tomorrow.”

“No, no, it’s -”

“Fine, I know it is, just sleep a while. If she wakes up, which I doubt she will, I’ll wake you, I promise.”

Michael relented because he did want to be awake tomorrow when she was. He thought he would have a hard time resting, but he must have been so exhausted emotionally that when he leaned back in the chair, he soon fell asleep to the artificial sound of her heartbeat.

When he woke up, he found that Contessa had pushed her chair against the wall and nudged Michael’s chair closer to Ryan. He saw her hand in his and before he even looked up, he saw her fingers move and rub along his palm. As he met her eyes, she smiled.

“What a great first date, huh?”

Michael chuckled and that woke up Contessa. “Hey, you. Back among the living?”

“Seems like it, doesn’t feel like it.” Ryan tried to sit up, but Michael yelled at her.

“Stop! Don’t move, you might rupture something.”

“Mike, I’ve already ruptured something and they took it out. I’m fine.”

He stood and held her down by the arms. “I will tie you to this bed if I have to. Stop moving.”

“No kink talk in front of my friend, you ass. Let me go.”

“No.”

Contessa stepped in. “You’re both idiots, just use the lift thingy.” She pushed a button and the headboard tilted slightly so she was in a sitting position.

“Oh, much better. Thanks, doll.”

Contessa leaned forward and kissed her cheek. “Of course. You like like hell, by the way.”

“Yes, because after you almost die looking good is the most important thing.”

“Well, I’m glad they didn’t take out your sense of humor.”

“Never. Are you okay, Raff? You look pale.”

He reached over, stroking her hair. “I was worried, mein schatz. You gave me quite a scare.”

Contessa said, “He saved your life, just so you know. And don’t be an asshole about it.”

Ryan smiled. “I know he did. He’s alright, this one.”

The girls smiled, but Michael was still looking upset and Contessa knew why. He was going to have to tell Ryan that she told him about Ryan’s family last night and that might not go over so well. She cleared her throat and said, “I’m going to go get some tea and to see if the doctor is around. Don’t run away on me.”

“I’ll be here.”

Contessa left, shutting the door quietly and Ryan turned towards Michael. “Now tell me what’s really wrong, because you look like you’re going to throw up and there’s no reason for that because I’m fine now.”

He sat down on the bed and took her hand, not saying anything. He met her eyes and left them there, still unable to make his voice work. Ryan stared back and then laughed painfully just once.

“Oh, I see. You asked Contessa why my father wasn’t here. Why I have no family to come visit me in the hospital. Right?”

Michael looked away now and didn’t answer. His silence was all the confirmation she needed.

Ryan nodded. “And knowing her, she told you what you wanted to know. About me and all that bullshit. Right?”

He still didn’t answer, but he met her eyes again.

“Are you happy now?”

Finally, he spoke. “No, Ryan, I am not happy at all.” They stared at each other, Michael’s eyes heavy with sorrow, Ryan’s dark with the pain of withholding so much for so long. He asked quietly, “Are you angry with me? For asking Contessa?”

God, how she wanted to be. She wanted to be furious because that would have been the easy way. It would be so simple to tell him that yes, he had crossed a line, betrayed her trust, to send him away and never speak to him. But Ryan was so damn tired of doing the easy thing. And she found that actually she wasn’t mad at all and she also had neither the desire nor the energy to pretend she was. She told him honestly, “No. Because I never would have told you, but I suppose you do deserve to know what you’ve gotten yourself into with me.”

“Why? Why would you never tell me? You must know…”

“That you’re in love with me? Yeah, I know. I knew that you were before you even left for Europe. I bet I knew before you realized it yourself.”

Michael clutched her hand and just stared at their skin on skin connection. “And you let me stay.”

“Yes. Because I don’t want to be like this, Raff. I know you think I do, but I don’t. I don’t want to be my father, who I’m sure she told you was cold and indifferent and just a son of a bitch. I used to think it was the only way to be. But you…”

“Yes?”

“You made me want to try, to be different, to be open, to believe in the good of people. No one ever did that before. I want to be better, for you.”

“But you still wouldn’t have told me, why?”

He shouldn’t have asked, he shouldn't have pushed because tears that had been building for years fell from her dark eyes and it made his entire body hurt with suffering. She alleviated it only slightly when she said, “Because…because you are one of only a handful of good things that has ever happened to me. And I didn’t want the ugliness of my life to touch you in anyway.”

“Oh, Ryan…”

She brushed away her tears, shaking her head. “Of course you know, at first it was because I didn’t trust you. Because I didn’t want to be vulnerable. But then…now, I wanted to keep you separate from all that. You are a beautiful soul, Mike. And I don’t know why you’re drawn to me and all my darkness…but I don’t want you to leave.”

Michael looked at her in disbelief. “Did you really think I would leave if you told me? That I would love you any less? And yes, I do love you.”

“Most ardently?”

“What?”

“Pride and Prejudice, Contessa made me watch it. Just…you know I can’t be serious right now.”

He didn’t smile. “Try, please. Is that really what you thought?”

“Yes, Raff, it is. When the people who are supposed to love you don’t…it’s very hard to believe that anyone would choose to be in your life. It’s hard for me to trust that you really want to be here with me.”

“I am going to find your father and murder him for ever making you feel unlovable.”

Ryan smiled and it felt real. “I wouldn’t stop you, to be honest.”

Michael, however, was still serious. “I’m sorry I told you that I love you while you’re in the hospital, but thank you for not telling me to fuck off.”

“I still could.”

“Please don’t.” He kissed her gently, and he hoped it conveyed to her all he was feeling: his love, his unwavering support, his commit to being here, to staying by her side.

She broke from his lips and stared at him hard. He asked, “What?”

“I almost died and I thought about saying something stupid about how it made me realize that life is short, but I can’t be that pathetic. And basically I’d like to tell you that I love you, Mike. I just don’t know how.”

Michael started laughing and Ryan giggled. “Who’s the idiot now, mein schatz? You just did.”

“I guess I did. But I suppose you already knew. You probably knew before me.”

“Yeah, I did, that’s why I didn’t care how or if you ever told me, but I am glad you did. And I love you, you are everything, my own goddess. I will never leave you alone.”

Ryan kissed him and it was short, but oh so sweet. “Enough of that shit. Don’t tell Contessa, either.”

“I can’t tell your best friend that you confessed your love to me after I saved your life?”

A weepy voice interjected, “Too late.”

“Oh, Christ, here she is now, crying about it.”

Contessa flung herself across the room, hugging Ryan and Michael as best she could. “You guys!”

“Mike, please get this woman off of me.”

He grinned. “No, I don’t think so. Just give in to the love, Ryan, you know you want to.”

Funny enough, she did want to. And there was something cathartic about that moment, being there with Michael and Contessa, two people she loved and having the weight of her past gone from her shoulders. Michael knew and she hadn’t had to tell him herself. She would never say it, but she was thankful that he had asked and that Contessa had told him. She pulled them both closer and gave in to the love.

Notes