Confessions of An Ice Girl

The few months of Summer we had left weren't enough. In two days, James would be leaving for Canada to finish training and then he'd be on his way to Nashville. I looked over at him sitting on the couch in my new apartment, holding our daughter while he gave her a bottle.

I had gotten a job at an office downtown that had a daycare program. The hours and pay were pretty decent and if something happened with Ella, at least I was close. Even then, I hated the thought of not having James in the same city...in the same state as me. He'd been so helpful this past month. He had even helped me get my apartment, even though I told him it wasn't necessary, but he insisted. Said he wanted to do what he could for me and Ella.

Here we sat. In my apartment on a strangely chilly August day. James with his hair longer than normal, with those glasses on and a Pirate's hoodie, holding our baby girl. "Abby..." James said quietly

"Yeah?" I said

"I never meant to hurt you. That was...that was never my intention. I was just looking for a quick rebound...and I shouldn't have done that. I should've tried calling you...or something...I just..."

"James, stop. That's water under the bridge now. It's in the past. We can't change what we've done."

"But, I wish I could take it back...I regret it so much...I..."

"James, talking about it again and again...and apologizing for it again and again, isn't going to change things."

"Yeah, I know..." he sighed "I wish I hadn't been traded."

I felt a lump rise in my throat and I swolled hard as I nodded, "I know, James. Me too."
____________________________________
I woke up the morning of, crying. James would be leaving soon. I wiped a tear from my eye as I went into Ella's room. She was sleeping peacefully in her crib. I smiled down at her, she was so beautiful. She had James' eyes. That blue-ish gray that just made your heat and soul melt into pieces. I smiled at her again and quietly left the room.

I made some breakfast, but could hardly eat any of it. Ella started crying and I grabbed her from the crib changing her before preparing a new bottle. The one positive was that James was leaving on a weekend. So Ella and I would be there to send him off.

After Ella's bottle. I got her changed and got myself dressed. I texted James and let him know we were on our way. I loaded Ella up into my car and drove out to James'. All of his stuff, what little he had in his house, had already been put into storage in Canada until he found a place in Nashville. He was going to be staying with his friend, Rich Clune, for a couple of weeks into the season.

Paul Martin was standing in the driveway with James besides his Mercedes. I pulled up and got Ella out of her seat handing her to James. "Hey, Paul."

"Hey, Abby." Paul half smiled

"How's everything been?" James asked

I nodded "It's been okay."

"Are you sure? You look like you were crying..."

"I just had a bad morning..."

Paul looked from James to me then back to James, "Well...I'm gunna head back over to my place to give you to a few minutes...Nealer, call me when you can."

James nodded, "Bye, Paul."

James looked down at Ella and I could see he was fighting back tears, "Abby..."

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure you can't come with...we don't have to be together...I just want you and Ella with me...I can't just leave you here."

"James, we will be okay..."

"I'm not going to be." he choked out

"James..." I said fighting back tears of my own "Don't make this any harder than what it has to be. I'm staying here. I like Pittsburgh. It's my home. You have to go to Nashville. Like you said, you can visit on road trips when you can, I'll visit you when I can and then we can have the whole Summer."

James nodded "Yeah."

I touched his arm, "James Neal, you're one of the best guys I know. Ella is lucky that you're her father."

James smiled "Thanks, Abby."

"I mean it. I know we've had our differences, but you've been so great these past few weeks and I can't thank you enough."

"You don't have to thank me. I'll do anything for you and for our daughter. If you ever need anything, anything at all, don't hesitate to call me, okay?"

"Okay."

"I mean that, Abby. No matter how small you think it is, you pick up your phone and you call me. I'll do what I can to help you." he said helping me get Ella back in her seat "I have to go..."

I nodded and hugged him "I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too." he said hugging me tighter

"Call when you get to Whitby?"

James nodded, "I will." he replied

I got into my car and pulled out of the driveway. James soon followed. I headed off towards my place and he headed in the opposite direction toward Whitby.

Notes