Look up and get lost in the Stars
23.
We sit in the mud... and reach for the stars - Ivan Turgenev
I opened up my Twitter to pass the time while I sat in the backyard as the kids went swimming a few days after my arrival in Toronto. That was when I saw that the Jason Demers had left the Dallas Stars as a free agent and was signing with the Florida Panthers.
My chest tightened and I felt my heart break a little bit. Even though I hadn't spoken to the guys in months, I just figured he was going to be there forever. And that if I ever really truly needed him, he would be right there.
The guys must be broken up about this. I clicked the button to get back to my home screen and went to my contacts, looking for Demers and finding him in seconds. Quickly, I unblocked him and went to look at our previous messages.
I sighed deeply looking at the old messages. It was constant jokes and dumb selfies and emojis. And it hit me how much I missed him. How much I was missing all of them. And it sucked. It sucked that I wasn’t going to see him before he left and never had the chance to…I don’t know…possibly resolve our problems even though me and him didn’t have a huge problem. He was kinda guilty by association.
But that didn’t help the sting of knowing he was leaving. And my fingers flew across my keyboard.
Hey, Jason, it's Josie. I know it's been a while, but I just saw the news about your leaving the Stars to go to Florida. I just wanted to say that I was sorry to hear the news, but that I know you'll just kill it with the Panthers! And I can't wait to watch you play!
I sent it without thinking twice about it. Just like always he had his read receipts on, and I saw that he had read it just moments after I sent it, and there were the bubbles to show me that he was typing back to me.
Everything in me was telling me to block him quickly, so that I wouldn't see his message...but I needed to see it.
From DaddyDemersssssss
Josie! Omg i've missed u so much! Thank-you for touching base! I'm excited to be going there but bummed to be leaving obviously! How are you? I'm so sorry about everything and I know the guys are too! Please call me!
The tears came quickly like they always did. I went into his contact and blocked him once again, feeling like garbage as I did so. I knew it wasn't fair to them. I knew that the guys wouldn't forgive me easily even I went back and started talking to them.
I had felt bad about not messaging Tyler when he was injured, and about not texting them when they were eliminated from the Playoffs. I didn't know what I would say. I knew it would be harder then because it would be Tyler and it would be him.
Him. I wanted to forget about him. I wanted to forget about how he looked, smelled…everything. I wanted to forget how he made me feel. I wanted to forget the fact that I was still in love with him. I wanted to forget everything.
But I couldn't. I couldn't forget any of it. It was like it was all burned into my memory and I hated it but I needed it. I needed to know that there was a love like that out there.
But it wasn't mine. Not anymore. Not for me. And it broke my heart so badly because I thought everything might have gone my way just for once.
I went back to my message and scrolled down. Way down. Back to the messages I couldn't bring myself to delete. Back to me and him. I clicked on the stream of messages for the first time in months and saw all of the ones that were from him right after everything happened. So I scrolled, and I kept scrolling up. I wanted to feel it again.
I finally stopped scrolling and began looking at them. And I felt that familiar warmth radiating through my body. I felt the butterflies coming back to life and my heart beating faster than ever.
From My Benn <3
Please tell me you watched the game!
OF COURSE I WATCHED IT! YOU WERE AMAZING!
From My Benn <3
I knew you watched it because you're my good luck charm and the only reason we played so well is because you were watching!
you're literally so adorable, jamie benn. you played well because you're a fantastic hockey player ya goob.
From My Benn <3
no it's all you, love ;)
even from hundreds of miles away you still make me smile, jamie benn.
From My Benn <3
that's the plan for as long as you let me.
what if I always let you, for the rest of forever :)
From My Benn <3
i'd be pretty okay with that.
I clicked out of the messages. I couldn't look at them anymore. My heart was growing heavy again with the reminder of what it was. But I wasn't making it any easier for myself by looking through all of the old shit between us.
And that's when my thoughts drifted back to the thought I had when I had arrived back in Toronto...why not come back home? I knew I could find a job, I didn't think that would be a problem, and I could stay with my dad and Callie until I got back on my feet. Maybe if I did that, and was far away from the rest of them, maybe I'd find some actual peace. Maybe then I could start to move on.
Wishful thoughts never hurt anyone.
I opened up my Twitter to pass the time while I sat in the backyard as the kids went swimming a few days after my arrival in Toronto. That was when I saw that the Jason Demers had left the Dallas Stars as a free agent and was signing with the Florida Panthers.
My chest tightened and I felt my heart break a little bit. Even though I hadn't spoken to the guys in months, I just figured he was going to be there forever. And that if I ever really truly needed him, he would be right there.
The guys must be broken up about this. I clicked the button to get back to my home screen and went to my contacts, looking for Demers and finding him in seconds. Quickly, I unblocked him and went to look at our previous messages.
I sighed deeply looking at the old messages. It was constant jokes and dumb selfies and emojis. And it hit me how much I missed him. How much I was missing all of them. And it sucked. It sucked that I wasn’t going to see him before he left and never had the chance to…I don’t know…possibly resolve our problems even though me and him didn’t have a huge problem. He was kinda guilty by association.
But that didn’t help the sting of knowing he was leaving. And my fingers flew across my keyboard.
Hey, Jason, it's Josie. I know it's been a while, but I just saw the news about your leaving the Stars to go to Florida. I just wanted to say that I was sorry to hear the news, but that I know you'll just kill it with the Panthers! And I can't wait to watch you play!
I sent it without thinking twice about it. Just like always he had his read receipts on, and I saw that he had read it just moments after I sent it, and there were the bubbles to show me that he was typing back to me.
Everything in me was telling me to block him quickly, so that I wouldn't see his message...but I needed to see it.
From DaddyDemersssssss
Josie! Omg i've missed u so much! Thank-you for touching base! I'm excited to be going there but bummed to be leaving obviously! How are you? I'm so sorry about everything and I know the guys are too! Please call me!
The tears came quickly like they always did. I went into his contact and blocked him once again, feeling like garbage as I did so. I knew it wasn't fair to them. I knew that the guys wouldn't forgive me easily even I went back and started talking to them.
I had felt bad about not messaging Tyler when he was injured, and about not texting them when they were eliminated from the Playoffs. I didn't know what I would say. I knew it would be harder then because it would be Tyler and it would be him.
Him. I wanted to forget about him. I wanted to forget about how he looked, smelled…everything. I wanted to forget how he made me feel. I wanted to forget the fact that I was still in love with him. I wanted to forget everything.
But I couldn't. I couldn't forget any of it. It was like it was all burned into my memory and I hated it but I needed it. I needed to know that there was a love like that out there.
But it wasn't mine. Not anymore. Not for me. And it broke my heart so badly because I thought everything might have gone my way just for once.
I went back to my message and scrolled down. Way down. Back to the messages I couldn't bring myself to delete. Back to me and him. I clicked on the stream of messages for the first time in months and saw all of the ones that were from him right after everything happened. So I scrolled, and I kept scrolling up. I wanted to feel it again.
I finally stopped scrolling and began looking at them. And I felt that familiar warmth radiating through my body. I felt the butterflies coming back to life and my heart beating faster than ever.
From My Benn <3
Please tell me you watched the game!
OF COURSE I WATCHED IT! YOU WERE AMAZING!
From My Benn <3
I knew you watched it because you're my good luck charm and the only reason we played so well is because you were watching!
you're literally so adorable, jamie benn. you played well because you're a fantastic hockey player ya goob.
From My Benn <3
no it's all you, love ;)
even from hundreds of miles away you still make me smile, jamie benn.
From My Benn <3
that's the plan for as long as you let me.
what if I always let you, for the rest of forever :)
From My Benn <3
i'd be pretty okay with that.
I clicked out of the messages. I couldn't look at them anymore. My heart was growing heavy again with the reminder of what it was. But I wasn't making it any easier for myself by looking through all of the old shit between us.
And that's when my thoughts drifted back to the thought I had when I had arrived back in Toronto...why not come back home? I knew I could find a job, I didn't think that would be a problem, and I could stay with my dad and Callie until I got back on my feet. Maybe if I did that, and was far away from the rest of them, maybe I'd find some actual peace. Maybe then I could start to move on.
Wishful thoughts never hurt anyone.
Notes
Let me know what you think!! I love the feedback!! That next chapter tho...
OMG omg please update
1/1/18