You're like a star, only for my eyes to see, never for my hands to hold - anonymous

But as the days and weeks after their final game passed, I felt myself becoming new again. I felt myself returning to the old Josie again a little bit. I was feeling like myself, I could see his photo flash across Facebook, or TV, or Twitter without getting weepy. I could hear his name without telling people not to say it, even though I couldn’t seem to bring myself to say it.

The heavy sadness I had been feeling started to lessen. It still hurt...but nothing like the first little while. I found myself taking lots of deep breathes and reminding myself of what was real. My heart was broken, yes...but I was living...I would be okay. And maybe one day in the future I would find someone...someone that wasn't him. And having that thought was heartbreaking.

Why was it heartbreaking? Because I knew there wouldn't be anyone else.

I was gonna be a cat or dog lady. I was okay with that.

But then I also began thinking...maybe I should go back home. To Toronto. To stay.

But, I would leave that question alone for a little while long. The school year was ending and I was going home to spend the summer up in Canada and I couldn't wait to be around everyone again. Spending my time with my dad and Callie and my brothers and sisters and the rest of the family. I couldn’t wait to spend the days swimming and weekends camping. I knew going home would really help me.

I walked off to the passenger pickup area and saw my dad and Callie waiting just inside the doors for me, I lit up when I saw them standing there.

"Hey!" I called to them, pulling my two luggages behind me and my carry on over my shoulder with my purse there too.

My dad smiled and came over to me quickly to relieve me of my bags, "Hey beautiful!" he said kissing my cheek.

"Hey, doll," Callie said, wrapping her arms around me for a tight hug which I was happy to return.

"Where's the brood?" I asked as we walked to the car parked across the terminal in the parking garage.

"Eve was going shopping with some friends, Lucy had swim class, Brody had baseball practice, and the twins are at the day camp," Callie told me listing off all of the kids, I knew Eric was working already so he didn't need an alibi.

"How are you?" my dad asked, looking at me through the rear-view mirror as we pulled out of the parking spot.

I shrugged, "Good, I guess. Better for sure at least."

Callie hummed, "Have any of them tried to get a hold of you?" she asked me.

I shook my head, "No, not that I know of. I blocked them on everything though so I wouldn't know either way, I guess."

"Are you sure you're okay, dollface?" Callie asked me again when we hit the highway.

I breathed out a long sighand looked out the window, "Honestly? I don't know. I feel more like myself in the last month or so than I have since January. I don't feel as overwhelmed as I did then. I can talk about it a bit better without getting as worked up. It's still hard sometimes, too. I don't know how to describe it, I guess. It's a ball of emotions all the time."

My dad scoffed from the driver’s seat, "Well, I don't get where he gets off," he grumbled, "what kind of an idiot lets someone like you just walk out of their life? What kind of moron still hangs around with some stupid girl over my Josie?" he questioned.

I smiled a little from the back seat, "Must have gotten hit too many times in the head with the damn puck or something," Callie agreed.

I snorted and shook my head, "I don't know about all of that," I said quietly.

My dad caught my eye in the rear-view mirror as he took his exit to get back home, "Trust me, if he lost someone as wonderful as you for an absolute nonsense reason, he's the biggest idiot in the world."

I smiled just slightly as they began filling me on everything that had been happening up in Canada. About the kids and my grandparents and everyone. I was happy to be hearing about that stuff, it was distracting.

We finally pulled up to the house and I breathed in deeply and smiled looking at it, knowing that I could relax and be safe here.

We got out of the car and dad grabbed my luggage while Callie took my carry-on bag, I went up to the front door with my key for the house and opened it, only to be met with a confetti cannon going off and there were streamers everywhere, I looked at saw my brothers and sisters there with my grandparents all smiling at me with a big banner hanging on the wall that said 'Welcome Home Josie!'

"Oh my God!" I said with a big smile looking around at everyone.

I walked in and dropped my purse and was immediately bombarded by the twins and ran to hug me. I made my rounds to everyone hugging them and some small talk.

After a little while we moved outside into the warm late spring air. It was warm but there was a slight breeze that made it quite pleasant out back. The kids were playing on the grass and my dad and Callie were lingering talking to her dad and my dad’s parents. I was leaning against the deck overlooking the pool and grass when Nanny came up to me and placed her hand on my arm.

"How are you?" she asked me seriously.

I bit my lip and shrugged, "I'm okay," I told her.

She pursued her lips and looked at me, knowingly, "Are you?" she asked me sternly.

I let out a long puff of air and shrugged again, "I don't know," I told her honestly, feeling my shoulder sag a bit, "I'm better than I was a few months ago...but it's still hard to be honest," I told her, "I feel like I'm an idiot some days because I want to talk to him, but I know that's a dumb thing to do."

She sighed and glanced behind us where the adults were still, she gripped my arm, "Come on, let’s sit at the patio table," she said quietly, leading us down the deck stairs and over to the empty patio table where we sat next to each other.

"Now," she began watching me, "Why would it be dumb?" she asked me.

I looked at her like she was crazy, "Because of everything that happened....I couldn't give him another chance, right?"

She sucked in some air and looked at me with fire in her eyes, "You loved that boy, right?" she asked me.

I nodded, "Well...life works in different ways...if you're supposed to be with him, you're gonna be with him no matter what. Honestly, I think he loved you too. I still think you love him and I think he still loves you too. And I think that...given the chance...you should jump at the chance to be with someone who loves you just as much as you love them."

I felt my breath hitch in my throat, is that something I could do? Talk to him if I had the chance?

"I don't know if I could do that," I mumbled.

Nanny patted my knee, "I think that in order for you to be happy, you need to know. I think that you still question what would have happened between the two of you, right."

"Yeah," I whispered.

"Well, I don't think you're mind will ever be able to truly rest until you know the outcome, one way or another. I 'm not saying that you should go and message him and whatever, I'm not telling you to do things you're not comfortable with...I'm just saying that when the opportunity arises to see him again...maybe you should think about taking it," she told me.

"If I see him again I'm worried I'm just gonna flip shit or something," I told her, facing her, "I'm worried that I'll just start screaming and cursing at him. But...I'm also worried that I'll melt into him...I know everything about him! I'm worried that I'll see him again in person and I'll just become a puddle and people will think I'm an even bigger moron."

"Who thinks you're a moron?" she asked me.

I shook my head, "Well, I don't know, people would definitely think I was if I just gave into him again."

"Listen to me," Nanny said, locking eye contact with me, "you need to make yourself happy, Josephine Ivy. You cannot care what other people think of those types of decisions. If you see him again and you melt into him again, and if he makes you happy, then there you go! Would you rather be miserable for the rest of your life wondering what would have happened if you had just taken that chance, and then all of the naysayers going around like a bunch or dummies because they thought they were right? You can't live your life for them. You have to live it for you! Do you get it?"

"I'm afraid," I told her.

And that was the first time I managed to say it to someone else other than just myself. I was so afraid.

"Afraid?" she asked surprised, "Afraid of what?" she asked me.

"I'm afraid of seeing him again and wanting him. I'm afraid of seeing him again and not wanting him. I'm afraid I'll never see him again and I'm afraid I will see him. I'm afraid because I want him still but I know that I shouldn't. I'm so afraid of people judging me no matter what happens," I told her through a shaky voice, trying to make sure I didn’t start crying.

"But none of that matter," I told her airily, "I'm not unblocking the guys...so there's no way they can get in touch with me."

"Fate finds ways," she told me, "And I understand why you're afraid. But if you didn't look around and take chances...then you're life would be boring. People are always afraid of the unknown, even if they say they aren't. But if you're not happy, then you're not doing anyone any favours. You need to let in the light to receive it too."

"I guess we'll see then," I told her.

She smiled and patted my knee again, "You need to go after what you want," she told me, "you can't live a life full of what ifs, baby."

"Jamie made me really happy," I said slowly, looking to make sure my dad and Callie weren't around, "I miss that feeling. It wasn't even like trying when we were together. It was fluid and natural. And there's a part that wants that back with him, but I don't know what that would be like. I don't know if I can forgive him."

"What did you see in your future eight months ago?" she asked me.

I sighed and closed my eyes, not even having to think about what I used to see in my future. It was always Jamie.

"Me and him," I breathed.

"And now?" she asked.

I shook my head, "I don't know," I told her honestly.

"That has to tell you something," she told me gently as I opened my eyes, "doesn't it?"

"I don't know if I can move past it. He hurt me so much. I just wish he could have been honest with me, that's all this is about."

"But he is who you saw in your future," she pointed out.

I smiled and looked at her quickly, "He all but asked me to move in with him right before Christmas," I said looking away from her, unable to hide how much my smile grew remembering that conversation between us.

"What?" she asked surprised.

"I told him that I felt at home with him that night that we had the party, before I came home for Christmas," I said, daring a glance at her and seeing her smiling at me, "the next morning he said I could come there whenever I wanted, and that he wanted it to feel like home to me...I made a joke and asked if he was asking me to move in...he said that he thought things were going to be good for us in the New Year, and that he could see me at his house with all my things sleeping in his room rather than a guest room in a year."

I looked at her and saw her smiling at me, "That sounds like a really good guy, Josephine."

"He was," I whispered, "he really hurt me, Nanny," I said, with my throat beginning to tingle and tighten.

"I know, dollface," she said quietly, "and I know it would be hard to forgive him...but maybe it's not the worst thing you could do."

I sniffled and wiped my eyes, "Oh that's probably up there," I said with a small laugh.

She grinned my shook my knee, "At the end of the day...if you're not happy...then you're not really living your life for you," she stated.

I bit my lip and looked away from her, over at the pool where my siblings were swimming, "Maybe one day I'll be happy," I whispered.

"You will," she said.

I breathed out deeply and hummed, "I hope so."

Notes

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