'You deserve the whole universe but I am just a star - unknown'


I laid awake in bed for hours that night. Even when Cody came and whispered my name a couple times, I faked sleep so he wouldn't ask me about anything. At some point I finally passed out and woke up to the sun shining through the window in our room. I looked over to Cody's bed and saw it empty and obviously unmade. I crawled out of bed and grabbed my phone from the charger; I checked the time and saw that it was only just going on ten. I washed quickly and went downstairs still in my PJs with my phone tucked in the waistband of my shorts.

When I got down there most of the guys were up and moving around, they were lounging in the living room and talking lazily.

"Morning," I called as I headed to the kitchen.

I was met with slow acknowledgements and good mornings and smiles which only made me realize I had made the right choice in coming back. I made the right call in coming back and seeing the guys again. No matter what had happened, these guys still treated me the same. They still considered me their friends and that alone filled me with such hope that...maybe no matter how things went...maybe we could still be friends in a few months when most of them came back to Dallas.

I grabbed one of the throw away red cups from the counter and opened the fridge door looking for anything; I smiled when I saw my favourite juice inside.

"Oh what?" I said with a smile as I pulled it out, "Bless you Seggy, you remembered my favourite drink!" I said as I placed the watermelon juice on the counter to open.

"Wasn’t me!" he called from the living room.

I rolled my eyes and filled up my cop, quickly placing the container back into the fridge, "You're the only one who knew I was coming! I'm not that dumb," I said as I walked into the living room area with my cup in hand.

He smirked as he looked over at me, "Thank Chubbs, JoJo. He went out at like, seven this morning to get it."

That almost made me spit out my drink as I looked over to Jamie who was looking at Tyler wide eyed. Knowing the two of them, Jamie probably told Tyler not to say anything, but Tyler doesn’t know how to not say things.

I smiled a little at the Captain, "Thanks, Jamie," I said before bringing the cup back up to my lips.

He looked over to me, a little surprised before he grinned, "You're welcome."

I walked over to the couch and sat down next to Sharpie, "Hey, Josie," he said putting his arm around, pulling me into his side.

I smiled and leaned my head against his shoulder, "Hey Patty! How's Abbie?"

"She's good," he said, "taking care of the girls."

"I've missed them," I mused more to myself than anyone.

He squeezed my shoulder, "Come and visit anytime, you're always welcome, you know that."

I pulled away and looked up at him, "Thank-you!"

Everyone drifted off into their own conversations, me and Sharpie talked about what I had been up to which was the same as usual. I talked to him about the rest of the season that I had missed and the playoffs and how they had ended. I knew it had really upset him to be eliminated especially in Game 7. Especially how it happened.

I stood up and stretched, putting my hands on my hips and leaning backwards as far as I could go before standing back up and seeing some of the guys staring at me.

"What?" I asked, as I picked up my empty cup from the coffee table.

They all looked away from me quickly while mumbling their answers. I shook my head and walked to the kitchen, tossing the cup into the garbage, and then heading back upstairs to change.

I threw on a bikini and put a pair of short and a crop top on over top of them before sliding my feet back into my sandals and left the room.

"Shit!" I cried when I saw someone standing on the other side of the door, looking back at me wide eyed and surprised. Pretty much how I was feeling.

"Jesus, Jamie!" I said, leaning against the door frame holding my chest where I could feel my heart racing.

"I'm so sorry!" he said, placing his hands on the top of his head.

"It's okay," I said, slowing pulling myself together, "sorry, that just fucking terrified me," I said, putting my arms back down at my sides.

"I didn't mean to!" he told me.

I smiled a little and watched as he visibly started to relax, his arms dropped back down to his sides and he wasn’t as red.

"I know," I said gently, happy to not feel any anger at the moment towards him, "What's up?"

"I huh, I wanted to know if you wanted to go for a walk or something?" he asked me.

"Just us?" I asked.

He nodded, "We don't have to if you don't want to," he said.

I shook my head, "No no, it's fine. Let me just huh, change my shoes then," I said glancing down at the flip flops. I backed into the room and went for my suitcase, leaving the door open anticipating that Jamie would follow me in.

Which he did.

"Can we...talk while we're out there?" he asked me.

I giggled under my breath as I put on some ankle socks, "That would makes sense, eh?" I said, looking up at him.

He smiled a little and nodded, "I thought so."

I slipped on my Nike shoes and got back up, "Let's get going then!" I said as I passed him to leave the room.

I didn't even stop to look at the other guys. I didn't need their unspoken opinions or feelings at the moment. I was going to talk to him like an adult.

I left the cottage quickly from the front door and waited as Jamie came out after me, closing the door behind him. I waited until he was next to me before I started walking up the driveway.

"What did you wanna talk about?" I asked casually, glancing over at him.

"Us," he said quickly, looking down at me.

I moved my head and looked ahead of us, "Oh yeah?"

He hummed in response, "Do you not want to?" he asked, hesitantly.

I sighed as we went into the woods on the trail that was there, "I do," I said slowly, "I just don't want it to turn into what it was yesterday is all."

"I didn't want yesterday to turn into what it was," he told me.

I bit the inside of my cheek to stop the smile from forming, "Neither did I, Jamie."

"Come on," he told me as he sped up in front of me, "I know a place where we can sit and talk."

I nodded briskly as I followed him in silence. I could feel the air between us changing. I knew he was as deep in thought as I was. I knew what I needed to say to him. I knew what I needed to do. The question was could I do it without absolutely losing my mind in the process?

I led me into a small clearing with a waterfall. It was only the two of us which was nice, but then I was worried that since no one was around to judge us, that maybe then I would lose my temper if something came up.

I followed him to the edge of the small river and sat with him on the rocks with our feet dangling over the edge.

"I'm gonna start, if that's alright," he said, after a beat of silence.

"Okay," I said quietly, looking down at my feet over the water. I could already begin to feel the tears getting ready to well up in my eyes. I could feel my throat tighten, anxious about what he would say to me.

"Josie...I have never been so sorry for anything in my entire life," he started, I could hear the emotion in his voice, but I couldn't bear to look over at him, "I made such a dumb mistake, and I can't believe it even happened to be honest. I wish I could go back and change things, but I can't. All I know is that I messed. Up. I should’ve told you about her the second I started to develop feelings for you. That wasn't fair to you, at all. I knew that then and I still know that now.

"Honestly, I don't know what happened. It was never anything serious. Not that I'm trying to defend it!" he said quickly, "But...as bad as it sounds, I didn't care about her. It was comforting to know that there would be someone there if I was lonely, which used to happen a lot down there. But, no, I never had actual feelings towards her.

"And then I met you...and everything felt better to me. It was like...I don't even know. I knew that whatever was going on between the two of us wasn't anything like I had going on with Ashley, obviously. Ashley was a...physical thing. You were mental, and emotional. Nothing had to be physical between us because just knowing you, and being with you the way that we were was enough, Josie!

"I started to ghost her after you and I had dinner that first time the day after we met. And yeah, I slept with her the night we met, I'm not gonna lie about that obviously. But that night you and I went out...I knew then that you were special and that I needed to be with you. But you know me, Josie. You know I couldn't just be an asshole and say to her, whatever this is, is done. And I should have! I know! I felt bad because I knew she like me way more than I ever liked her! It started with cutting down responding to her, I would only respond a couple times a day, then once and then nothing. I stopped answering her calls, I changed my phone number, remember?

"Never once did it cross my mind that I might lose you during this whole shit storm," he said, with his voice cracking. I still hadn't looked at him, the tears had begun falling openly down my face and I was holding back the sobs that were in my throat.

"I know it's obvious," I said slowly, trying to keep my voice level, but still not making eye contact with him, "but all of this really hurt me, Jamie. Not even the fact that you were kinda sorta dating someone. It's fine because you and I were never actually dating. I'm more hurt about how I found out," I said, not being able to hold in that sob. I heard my voice crack and I squeezed my eyes shut while my body started to shake.

Suddenly his arms were around me, holding me tightly. I was leaning against him as I let the sobs out, he was rubbing my back and whispering his apologizes to me.

"I was just so embarrassed, Jamie," I told him, still leaning into him, and I grabbed his arm that was wrapped around my front and held onto it tightly, "I just wish you would have said something. I wish you would have just told me that you were hanging around with some other girl, but that you didn't want to hang around her and just needed to figure out how to tell her...I don't know! I just wish I knew something!

"I just felt like an idiot in front of everyone," I said, pulling away from him, I wiped my eyes and then looked up at him, seeing his eyes light up a bit more when we made contact, "I just felt like everyone was like...laughing behind my back or something. Thinking that I was some dumb naive girl that had strong feelings for you, while you're out with her doing whatever," I said quietly.

"It was never like that," he told me, "no one ever thought you were an idiot, or laughed or anything. Everyone kept pushing me to make sure that Ashley understood that whatever we had was over. Everyone loves you, Josie. Honestly they do. They all still think I'm the idiot, because it's true!

"There's nothing I can say that will ever make anything right between us, and I know that," he said quietly, "but I just...I don't want to lose you again. I can't."

I groaned and looked over at the water, "It's just hard, Jamie," I told him, "I want that too. But it's the trust thing...my God; I didn’t think I would recover from all of that. You hurt me, Jamie," I said, looking over at him.

HIs face fell quickly, and I saw the tears begin to well up in his eyes.

"I'm not saying it to make you upset," I said quickly, "But I just need you to know that. And I know...I know that I hurt you too," I said as I began crying again, "I-I know that what I d-did was wrong, I shouldn't have left it like that. But I didn't know what to do."

"I'm not mad," he said quickly and urgently, "I'm not mad at you at all, Josie. I understand why you did what you did. I would've been surprised if you didn't do everything that you did."

I wiped my eyes but smiled a little, "I don't know how you're not mad at me, to be honest."

"Because you're not the one that did anything wrong to wreck this," he said gently, "you weren't the one hiding something or anything."

I sighed deeply and leaned my arms against the tops of my thighs and looked down at the water, "It still wasn't right, Jamie," I said softly, slowing bringing myself back up into the proper sitting position.

He took my hand in his and I turned to look at him, "I don't care," he told me, "I don't care about any of that. I just care that you're still talking to me. I care about the fact that I hurt you," he said squeezing my hand.

I squeezed his hand back and sighed, "I want it to go back the way it was before," I told him quietly, looking at our hands, "I wish we could go back and you could tell me everything, and then we could be whatever we're supposed to."

"We could do that," he stressed to me, "we could go back to how it was before. You know everything now, so we could be back where we're supposed to be."

"It's not the same," I breathed, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear as the wind started to pick up, "it's not the same anymore, Jamie," I said, looking at him.

"It can be," he said.

"I don't know how to begin even trusting you again. I trusted you more than I've ever trusted anybody. We were so involved in each other's lives, Jamie...you know everything about me! But you hid something so huge from me, so I feel like maybe I don't know you as well as I thought I did," I told him, trying my hardest to explain everything to him.

Because I didn't know if I could trust him anymore, I thought that I could, but when trust is broken...it's hard to regain it. I still cared about him, and I didn't know what to do anymore.

"Can we start over then?" he asked me quickly.

I rolled my eyes slightly and let out a breathy laugh, "What?" I asked him.

He had just a faint trace of a smile on his lips, "Can we start over? Friends, that's it."

"We were friends before, Jamie," I told him.

He rolled his eyes playfully at me, "Well, I know that!" he said sassily, making me smile, "But we both know where that was going...you and I would be together by now if that all hadn't happened," he told me, I didn't need to say anything...I knew he was right about that.

"So let's start at the beginning, no secrets, no nothing. We start all the way on chapter one again. We get to know each other again, and see what happens," he explained.

"I don't know," I told him, "We already have feelings there..."

"I don't care," he said earnestly, "I know this is what it's going to take, and so this is what I'm going to do, Josie. I want to make things work, and I need you to trust me. So if we need to start from the bottom again, I'm going to do it. No question."

Tears welled up in my eyes, "You really care about me, don't you?" I asked him weakly.

He looked at me and was speechless for a moment, "Of course I do, Josie. I always have."

"I wanted this to work, Jamie," I told him quietly, dapping under my eyes to get rid of the tears, "I really did. And you know that I care about you too. It's just hard."

"I'm going to make this work," he promised.

I'm smiled over at him a bit sadly, "I know you're gonna try," I said with a small laugh, "But maybe...maybe this weekend it would be good to keep the break going a bit," I whispered, "this is...a lot for me to take in again. Seeing you and talking to you...it's just a lot, Jamie."

He looked at me with sad eyes, "is that what you want?" he asked.

I sighed and placed my open palms behind me and leaned back, "I think I need to settle my emotions again. They were okay when I hadn't seen you, obviously. But now being thrown back into it, it's a little overwhelming," I admitted, "I think maybe keeping some space between us wouldn't be the worst thing."

"That's going to be a bit tough for me," he said.

I bit my lip, "For me too, I think. But I think it's something that I need to figure myself out."

He turned and looked out at the water as I watched him. I knew his mind was racing, trying to figure out what to do or say. After a minute he looked at me.

"Okay," he said, "I don't want to scare you off or make you hate me anymore than you already do," he stated.

"I don't hate you," I breathed out, "And...Honestly, I do still want you in my life...but this weekend is a lot to deal with and I think I just need some time still. I'm not saying we can't talk and everything the next few days. I just think space might be healthy is all."

He breathed in deeply but he nodded slowly, "I understand," he told me quietly.

"Jamie I...I don't know what's going to happen after we go home from here...I just know that this is something that we needed to do, it was something that needed to happen, Jamie," I started, "Regardless of what it was like before...it's never going to be like it was before, never ever. But I don't know what it's going to be like in the future. But I just don’t' want to feel the way that I felt before, after everything happened."

"I don't want you to feel that way, and if some space is what you're going to want, then that's the least I can do, that's the least I can give to you. I just want you to know that I'm here if you want to talk or anything. Whatever you want," he told me.

I bit my lip and nodded, "Thanks, hockey star," I said standing up, and brushing off my shorts, "I'm gonna head back...are you coming?" I asked.

He looked at me and shook his head, "Nah...I'm just gonna hang out here for a bit longer."

I sighed and nodded, "Okay...see you soon, Jamie," I said before turning and starting to walk the way we had come.

I put my hands into my shorts pockets and continued the walk back to the cottage as my brain raced toward an unknown conclusion. I don't know...maybe not every ending had a happy ending. Maybe Jamie Benn and I wouldn't end up together like I had once hoped. It was something I had wanted so badly to happen just months ago...but you can't snap your fingers and have everything fixed. It didn't work like that. Life didn't work like that. As much as Jamie wanted it to work like that. Even as much as I wanted to a little bit.

The truth was, was that I didn't hate Jamie. I didn't even necessarily want to spend the weekend not spending time with Jamie, I did want to. But I didn't want to put myself through it all again.

But I guess all I really knew was that my story wasn't over yet. I didn’t know what the ending was yet. But I was going to find out.

Notes

Sorry for the wait everyone! School has been kicking my butt!