I'm in love with the shape of you

I finally lulled myself into a seriously restless sleep. I was nervous about the travelling and the flight and trying to figure shit out. Was I making a mistake?

I knew Ty was already going to be in Nashville by the time I was leaving, and their game wasn't until the next day so they just had a practice.

I went downstairs with my bag at eight in the morning and saw my parents looking at me confused, "Where are you going?" mama asked me.

I looked wordlessly at the two of them; they both watched me confused until the words came tumbling out of my mouth.

"I'm going to see Ty," I said quickly, "he's in Nashville...I don't know what I'm going to say or what's going to happen...but I just need to see him."

My mama looked shocked but I looked to my dad...and he had a smile on his face. He was proud of me.

"Well," he said, still grinning at me as I felt my face relax into a smile, "do ya need a ride?"

--

I had never been so anxiety riddled than I had been during the flight. One of the airport workers had to show me how to get everywhere and it was insane. I finally made it to Nashville and picked up the rental car that I had. I turned my phone's GPS on and made my way to the hotel.

I got there and checked in and went up to my room. I sat on the bed and took my phone out from my pocket. I texted Jamie quickly.

What room is Tyler in?

I set the phone down and just sat. What was I doing? What plan did I have? I didn't have a plan. I just needed to see him and figure my life out.

From Jamie
ummmm we're in room 654. why?

thanks Jamie. Please don't tell Tyler. Please.

From Jamie
I mean...I won't but I'd like to know at least.

You’ll find out later, Jamie. Is he in the room?

From Jamie
We both are right now

I sighed and got up from the bed, leaving the room and going to the elevator, hitting number 6.

I just need to see him.

Jamie hadn't replied by the time I was standing right in front of their room. I lifted my hand up and knocked quickly on the door. The door was ripped open within seconds.

"Rae?" Tyler asked, surprised, "What are you doing here?" he asked.

I couldn’t help but laugh a little and shrug, "I don't know!" I told him, "I just...needed to see you."

He took a step back to let me in, closing the door quickly behind him. I walked into the room and Tyler took my hand and spun me to face him, pulling me into a tight hug.

"What is going on?" he asked, "You're in Nashville!" he added laughing.

I hugged him back and laughed too, "I'm not sure why," I told him, "after everything yesterday...I just needed to see you."

He pulled away from me and watched me, searching my face for any kind of tell as to what was going on. I was hoping that my face didn't give anything away.

"There has to be a reason, Rae," he said, "did he put his hands on you again?" he asked suspiciously.

I shook my head immediately, "No. Nothing like that...my minds just been going nonstop the last day."

"About what? Come on, sit down," he said, leading me to what I assumed was his bed and we both sat down.

"You. This. Whatever this is," I told him honestly.

His brows furrowed together, "What about me?" he asked.

I breathed out and shook my head, feeling the familiar tears spring to my eyes, "My feelings for you," I told him thickly, wiping at my eyes, "you've been like, the only thing going through my mind. And I don't know why."

And we were silent, looking at each other. Finally after a moment, Tyler broke it.

"Feelings?" he asked me, a hopeful edge to his voice.

I breathed out a watery laugh and wiped my eyes, "Shocking, right?" I asked, teasing him. He smiled back to me.

I cared so much about Tyler. And I knew he cared about me too. But, I knew I was hurting Tyler too. And that made me feel so sick. I couldn't deal with the thought of not being around him, and spending time with him and everything. I could picture a life without Markus so easily, but the thought of my life without Tyler...it was unbearable. I would sacrifice whatever I needed to make sure he was okay. I would do anything for him.

"People have been accusing me of being...really enamoured with you," I said, avoiding saying love to him, "I've been denying it and denying it...but I don't really think I can anymore," I said looking away from him, "I've known for a while I need to end it with him, I haven't yet, officially. But I know I do. And then I don't know what I'm gonna do."

He took a moment before he answered, "You know how I feel, Rae," he said, placing his hand on my cheek and turning my head to look at him, "there is nothing that would make me happier than being with you, I think you know that. That's my perfect world, Rae. Me and you. That's it."

I averted my eyes and looked towards the door, feeling regretful. I suddenly felt awkward and exposed. And I was feeling overwhelmed. I didn't know what I was doing there.

"We don't live in a perfect world, Tyler," I said softly.

"We could."

I made eye contact with him again and he began speaking, "You mean so much to me, Rae. And it doesn't scare me. You've been what I've been wanting. You're so important to me. And just know that when you're ready...I'm here."

And then I had a flash of one of the last times Markus and I had sex...it wasn't Markus I was seeing, it was Tyler. I wanted Tyler touching me and kissing me and holding me and making love to me. I wanted Tyler.

I moved an arm to wrap around his neck and pulled him into me where our lips connected and molded together like they were made for each other. His hands moved to my waist and gripped me tightly before he pulled back suddenly his lips red already.

"Rae...I don't want to do this if you don't want to," he told me.

I was shaking my head before the words were out of his mouth, "I want to, Tyler," I said watching as his eyes racked across my face before leaning into me again.

He pressed his lips against mine softly, tenderly. But it became heated as the seconds passed. Clothes were shed within minutes, our lips barely leaving each others. Hands were roaming each other’s bodies, trying to memorize every detail. Every curve. Every dip. I couldn’t remember ever feeling as good as I felt right then with Tyler.

His hands were everywhere. And I felt whole with him. I had never felt so alive than I did laying there with him hovering over top of me. I had never felt so wanted, so beautiful, so sexy...so loved.

And then I knew, afterwards when we had gotten cleaned up and I was laying there wrapped up in his arms and we were talking about absolutely nothing...I loved him. I loved him more than anything.

And I knew what I needed to do...I needed to go home and go and tell Markus that this was done. I needed Tyler, but I needed to end it with Markus.

But that could wait...because wrapped up in Tyler’s arms long after he had fallen asleep; looking at him...I just needed to be there with him. Everything else could wait.

Notes

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