Maybe I should let you go

I woke up the next morning with Tyler's arm wrapped around my middle and his face resting against the back of the neck. I carefully pulled myself away from his grasp, trying to be careful so that I didn't wake him up. I looked around the room and grabbed my clothes from the floor, quickly putting them all on. I caught sight of the second bed in the room that was untouched. Jamie didn't come back, he had probably crashed with one of the other guys.

"Hey," I heard Tyler say, groggily.

I turned back to him, "Hey," I said back.

He sat up in bed and grinned at me, "So, huh...we gonna talk about it?"

I let out a small laugh and moved my hair from my face, "I think that it kinda goes without saying..."

"I don't think it does," he said slipping out of the bed. I looked away because I knew he was naked, "You saw it all last night," I heard him say with a laugh.

I looked back just as he put boxers back on, "Still," was all I told him.

"So," he said, looking at me from the other side of the bed, "You regret it then?"

I was caught off guard. I didn't think he would come out with that question right off the bat.

"Huh...um, wow, I didn't think that's where you were gonna start," I said awkwardly, running a hand through my hair.

"It's not a hard question," he countered, watching me.

"I don't regret it," I said with a small huff, "I should but I don't."

I watched as his smile grew large and he walked over to me, "You know that I don't regret it either, Rae," he said taking my hands, "you know you mean so much to me," he said quietly, "you know that I would love you be with you," he told me.

"I know," I told him squeezing his hands, "I don't...I'm not sure what to tell you, Ty. I mean...I care about you. A lot. But I'm still..." I said, drifting off and looking away from him.

"With Markus," he said, finishing my thoughts. He let go of my hands.

"I'm sorry, I just...I'm not going to get your hopes up right this second when I’m still technically in a relationship," I whispered, "I want to do what I need to do before doing...whatever this is, Tyler."

"I get it," he told me, "when are you gonna...you know...make up your mind?" he asked.

I sighed and ran my hands over my face, "Tyler," I began before he cut me off.

"Are you not gonna break up with him or something?" he asked me, confused.

"Ty," I breathed and shook my head, "Yeah, I mean. I don't really have an option. I can't be with him. I know that know, he's never gonna change. But...we haven't officially broken up. And I refuse to do anything with getting my conscious clear about that! Yes, I have feelings for you. Yes, last night was great and no I don't regret it. But...honestly, I don't know what you want me to do right in this second!"

"I want to be with you, Rae!" he said, taking a step away from me, "That's what I want!"

"I can't give that to you right this second, Tyler!" I cried, "And I know that makes me sound awful after what we did last night! But last night...I needed to be with you. I have no regrets about it...but I need to make it right, so that things start on the right foot, whenever they, hopefully, start."

He looked down at the ground and sighed, he lifted his head back up and looked sad and upset, "Rae," he sighed, "I'm gonna be honest with you...just because I need you to know how I've been feeling...this hasn't been fair to me!" he said, "I've been hung up on you for weeks, months! And then we do that last night, and you can't give me an answer about what's going on with us. And I don't get it because everyone knows I'd be so much better for you!"

"I know it's not fair to you, Tyler. And I'm sorry...I'm so sorry for that," I told him, tears welling up in my eyes, "I wish I could do everything you want me to. But right now I just can't. I want to, Tyler. Really I do-"

"Then do it!" he said taking my hands again as the tears poured down my face, "Nothing is stopping you, Raeanne!"

"I can't right now, Tyler," I told him weakly, "I can't."

"Can't because you don't wanna be with me, can't because you wanna be with Markus, can't because you don't know what to do, what is it, Rae?" he asked me.

I felt the warm tears start falling down my face as I looked at him, "I'm done with Markus," I told him quietly, "I really am. But I am still with him right now. I have to end it with him before I can do anything else, Tyler. That's all I want. I don't like the fact that I've been putting you in this position, Tyler! I wish that I hadn't done that to you, because you're too wonderful of a human to have someone put you through this," I said as I cried, "I never meant to make you feel like this...I never meant for you to like me, or want to be with me. I'm not sorry about the fact that we met because you've honestly changed my life, Tyler. Really you have. And I'm sorry for doing this to you."

"I wouldn't change it!" he told me, taking a seat on the edge of the bed, "I wouldn't change going to your table and pretending to be your boyfriend. I wouldn’t change that he left you at the game, or that your parents like me more than him...I wouldn’t change the fact that he wanted to beat me up because he found out that you and I are best friends. I wouldn’t change how close you've become to my friends, and how close I've gotten to your family. I sure as fuck wouldn’t change the fact that I've fallen so in love with you that I can't even see straight sometimes, Rae!"

"You don't mean that," I said watching him, trying to find a flicker in his eyes to tell me he wasn't in love with me, praying that I would find something.

I didn't. And I felt happiness knowing that he felt the same way I felt about him. But I felt like absolute garbage because of what I had been putting him through all these months. I felt like complete garbage.

"I mean every word of it!" he said, "I want you to be so happy, Rae. I make you happy, and you know it."

"You do make me happy," I said quietly, "You really have changed everything about me, Tyler! You have changed everything, Tyler!"

"So then why didn't you leave him months ago?" he cried, waving his arms, "If you knew then why are you still there?" he yelled to me.

"Because I'm afraid!" I cried, "I don't know what everything would be like without him! I don't know who I am without him! I don't know what a relationship with you would be like! You treat me better as a friend than Markus ever did as a girlfriend, Tyler! And that is so fucking terrifying to me! You have no clue how much you scare me!" I told him as I sobbed, standing in front of him, "I'm afraid that things would change between us! I'm afraid that you would look at me differently if you knew me other than the sad depressed girl that you rescued that night at dinner! Or from the game! I'm afraid you would realize that I'm someone so far from what you thought that you would act like Markus and treat me like he does! I'm so sorry, Tyler. I never meant to do this to you," I cried, covering my mouth with my hand to try and quiet the sobs.

"You know where I stand, Rae," he told me quietly, "you know what I want. And the only thing that you've done to me is introduce me to my soul mate...and it kills me that you don't see it," he said as a tear rolled down his face.

"I never said that I don't see it, Tyler Seguin," I told him shaking my head.

His eyes lit up for a second when I said that, "You know it too, don't you?" he asked accusingly.

A small sob tumbled from my lips as I nodded at him, "I know what I have to do Tyler, but you have to give me the time to do it."

He looked at me and nodded his head gently, "Okay," he finally said, standing up.

"Okay what?" I asked him, watching as he began dressing.

"You need to do what you need to do then," he told me, "you can do whatever you want...and I just hope that once you sit back and take care of things back home...you figure out what you want."

I nodded and wiped my eyes again, "I know what I want, Tyler! You just need to let me do what I need to do back home."

He watched me, eyes moving rapidly before he conceded and nodded at me, "You do what you need to do, Raeanne."

I nodded shakily, "Okay," I said once, "I'm sorry Tyler."

He breathed out deeply, "Me too," he told me, "I shouldn't have...said most of what I said just now," he said running a hand over his face.

I licked my lips, "Maybe we should just talk when you get back," I suggested, "maybe the two of us need to...relax and I don't know...detox a bit."

He looked away from me and nodded and his face reddened a bit, "Is that what you want?" he asked me.

I shook my head, "No," I told him, causing him to look back at me, "but it's something I think we need."

He watched me silently for a moment, trying to read my face, there was something in the air between, thick and palpable but I couldn't figure out what it was. I knew I was hurting him more by doing this...but I needed to end it with Markus once and for all.

"Okay," he said clapping his hands in front of him, "well, I'm back on the twenty third early in the morning. I have a game that night, so I mean...whatever you wanna do."

I nodded, "Okay," I said quietly, "I really am sorry, Tyler. Maybe we shouldn't have...done that last night."

"I don't regret it," he told me, "and you said that you don't either so I don't feel badly about that."

I nodded silently before turning and walking to the door, I had my hand on the handle and turned to look over my shoulder at him, "Bye, Tyler."

"See you soon, Rae," he said before I left.

I knew what I needed to do. Tyler and I not speaking or seeing each other was something we needed to do. But, I also knew that going back home to Dallas...that would change things forever.

Notes

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