Sighing, I run my hands through my hair slightly pulling for what seems like the hundredth time in the past hour. The past couple months at work have been very hard on me and the troubles with my relationship have not helped. I have been dating Dallas Stars defence man Jordie Benn for the past three years and we have one dog together, Juice. Lately, Jordie and I have been under a lot of stress, the team has been underachieving HARD and I recently started in a higher position at work. This has been putting a massive strain on our relationship now that I barely ever see Jordie and when I do we are either fighting or not even talking. We fight mostly about me never being home when he is because of my work schedule or we fight about me saying the wrong thing about the team that sends Jordie off in a huff. Earlier I would have ran after him when he went downstairs to fix things but now I am so tired of fighting that I will just sit in the nook looking out the window wondering where things went wrong and praying that we would be able to fix this.

If you had asked me 4 months ago if Jordie were to propose would I say yes, and I would have told you in a heart beat. But after these past months of constant fighting and then the silent treatment, I don’t know if I could tell you I would have the same answer. I believe Jordie is it for me, and is the love of my life but I value myself too much to let Jordie treat me like shit and not do anything about it. Since Jordie and I started dating, my job had always been a touchy subject for him. I work at a book publishing company mainly reading manuscripts and meeting with authors to finalize their work. This requires A LOT of my time and that cut into the time I had with Jordie. During my time in the WAG’s room at the Stars games I noticed not many of the wives or girlfriends have careers and I think Jordie wanted that for me too. Well it was the opposite of what I wanted, I love my job and it brings me so much happiness and enjoyment with my adult life that I feel like I would go crazy not having it. Jordie wanted me to go to every single home game, be there to make him pre game dinners before every game, be able to take off on quick vacations when the team get time off, and spend his off days laying in bed. But that was not the case with me, I was focused on my job and furthering my career to see that was what Jordie wanted. I guess this was his breaking point and I was too tired to fight for us.

My assistant drops 5 more manuscripts off to my desk and informs me that they need to be read and briefed all for tomorrow’s meetings. I smile politely and she leaves my office closing the door behind her. “This is seriously what I need right now” I mutter to myself. Eyeing the clock on my desktop I see that it is 5:17 and remember that I promised Jordie that I would go to his game tonight. I was trying but as time was running out and I still had 3 manuscripts left I soon realized I have left Jordie down and once again picked work over him. Its 7:10 when I leave the office still having 2 more manuscripts to look over before tomorrow, figuring I will do it after the game and head to my car to race to American Airlines Centre to try and get to see some of the first period.

I check my phone for what seems to be all day to see 12 missed calls and 7 missed texts. 2 from Jordie, 4 from Jamie, and 1 from Katie (Jamie’s girlfriend). I panic thinking that Jordie was hurt during the game and quickly look at the Jordie texts.

I got traded. Now this is when my world flipped upside down and I stare at the three words that make me want to vomit.

I have to leave for Montreal tonite, call me when u get this. Jordie sent me that at 2:30 THIS AFTERNOON. I can’t breathe while I dial Jordie’s number hoping he hasn’t left yet.

“Hi you have reached Jordie, I can’t get to answering your call right now, but if you leave a message I will be sure to get back to you as soon as possible.” FUCK I scream tears brimming my eyes.

I open Jamie’s texts next.

I’m so sorry Ellie, call me

Jordie will need u

I know things haven’t been good lately, but he will need u

Jordie flies out at 7. Was the last text I received from the Benn brother. I don’t bother looking at Katie’s text I just head in the direction of Jordie and I’s house. Speeding, tears streaming down my face I get to my house in record time. Jordie’s truck is gone, lights off, the house looks dead, abandoned and I don’t get out of my jeep right away. Hoping and praying that Jordie for some reason is still here and not on a plane moving away from me, to a different country.

I can’t bring myself to open the door of my jeep I just sit there crying, wondering why this happened to Jordie and I. Finally after what seemed like 10 minutes, I slowly get out of my car and head to the front door. I can hear Juice whining from behind the door already so when I open the door he runs circles through my legs.

“Hey buddy.” I reach down to pet him and he ends up jumping up to give me a kiss. All the lights are turned off in the house except one over top of the sink in the kitchen. It illuminates the paper left out on the counter and I feel myself being pulled toward the kitchen. I take a deep breathe when I see Jordie’s terribly, scribbled handwriting filling the page.

My hands tremble as I go out to grab it and slide down the counter, my bum hitting the floor and immediately being swarmed by Juice before he figures out I am okay and sits beside me.

Dear Ellie,

I can not imagine whats going through your head right now. (Same here Jordie I think) By the sounds of it, your phone was turned off all day at work and you were heading to the arena to find out that I have been traded. Or you worked late and are now shocked to find this. Either way I hope you come to terms with what happened because I don’t know when I will. I’m looking around at the life I have in Dallas and in the matter of a phone call it has all been taken away from me. The past couple months have been rough on both of us and I take full responsibility for that El. I resented you because you had something that was other then me. I only have hockey and you and for one of my things to almost be taken away from me was a hard pill to swallow. Yes I wish you worked less but I will have to get over that if I want to be with you.

I wish I knew what you were thinking Ellie so I could help you cope in a way. I know your job is super important to you, mine is too. But you are the most important thing in my life and it took me being traded to figure that out. I cannot ask you to give up your job because as much as I love you, I don’t know if I would be able to do the same for you. Yes that is very hypocritical, yes I just said you were the most important thing in my life and then said I would choose my job over you. But this is where I am at right now. I want the best for you in life and if that means us separating ways I will have to deal with that. I want to be selfish and ask you to give up your job and everything in Dallas to come with me but what kind of person would I be if I did that? A terrible one? YES.

I know I am all over the place in this note but well I can’t even seem to think straight. I am somewhat hoping that this is all a dream or I am being punked but Ashton Kutcher hasn’t came out yet and my flight leaves way too soon.

But I leave you with this. Montreal could be a city for us where we could both start over. In Montreal, I am not Jamie Benn’s brother or the bearded Benn brother. In Montreal, I will be Jordie Benn, defence man for the Montreal Canadiens. I will be writing my own story with one of the most historic franchises ever. We could start over, leave all the shit of the past months behind us in Dallas and sell that house because to me it was never a home. We could find a real HOME in Montreal, one that we love and we build together and Juice could run around in. We could start our family there and you could find a job there that is better then the one in Dallas. Hell baby you could start your own publishing company, I will help you. Give us another chance and I will PROMISE until the day I die that I will show you and tell you how much I truly love you everyday and that our love is worth so much more then what we have been going through.

I also need to tell you this. Stay in Dallas, keep Juice, keep the apartment, I don’t care and live out your dream with this job. You worked so hard to get there and I don’t resent you for a second for choosing your job over me. If this is what your leaning towards, please do not let me slow you down or hold you back from your dreams and the endless potential you have. I’m sure you will find someone that will give you all of your dreams that I couldn’t. I know there is someone out there that can do this for you Ellie. I KNOW because I thought I was that person, but if the last few months were any indicator I realized I am not. I am the most selfish person when it comes to my life and you are the complete opposite. I treated you like shit the past months and I am forever sorry about that and I completely understand if this is the end of the road for us.

I love you more then you know.

Don’t ever be a stranger,

Jordie.

Notes

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