Going by the Book

The things she could get done in her life without a man in it. Harper had managed to deep clean her entire apartment and car, and had even finished Les Miserables. Finally. Honestly, she thought Jason would call the second he got out of the shower that day. But he hadn’t. And he hadn’t called the day after that. Or even the one after that. She didn’t think the things he’d said meant they broke up. But she also thought he ought to be the one calling her; chasing her. So with him not calling and not coming around, she buried herself in the things she could take control of, like cleaning and reading. How pathetic, she thought.

She could swallow her pride and call him up and apologize for acting out, or speaking out, or whatever she did wrong. To be honest, she didn’t really know what she had done wrong. All Harper had been looking for was an answer about the future of their relationship after the season and her new school year started. Where would that leave them? She felt justified in her reasoning of comparing herself to Layla. She was going to be bound to Sunrise while Jason spent half of his time on the road. So for him to have gotten so riled up about it, she felt he was the one who needed to apologize.

Today she needed to get out of the house. It wasn’t until she felt her hair and noticed how greasy it was, that she realized she hadn’t left her place since coming home that evening. She hadn’t had a reason to leave. But this was it. Shower up, get changed, get out. Go anywhere. Literally anywhere. Coffee seemed like a good idea. Coffee at a table by a window, giving time to read another book. In record time, she was out of the house and heading for the nearest coffee shop. She hadn’t been back to Perk since the first day she met Jason. It was good coffee, but she told herself it wasn’t convenient at all. In reality, she figured it had more to do with the fact that she didn’t want memories of that first day with him to come back.

The shop was dead, as she should’ve guessed. Late afternoon on a weekday. People had jobs that kept them busy year round. Not everyone was lucky enough to have three months of a summer vacation. She ordered and went to a table by the window. The sun offered good light, the music offered little distraction, and the coffee offered a good caffeine buzz. On the Road by Jack Kerouac. A fun book she’d read more than once, but one she always found herself coming back to. Write like Whitman, travel like Kerouac. The dream.

Harper flew through the first chapter. She was dead set on returning to her old reading habits. And it wasn’t until she was halfway through chapter two, that she noticed the chair across from her sliding out. She flicked her eyes to the chair subtly, thinking someone was pulling it away to bring to another table but didn’t want to disturb her by asking. Rude, but she understood. She was sitting alone with her nose buried in a book. But only, that chair didn’t leave the table. Instead, someone sat down across from her. Even more rude, she thought. Couldn’t this person see she clearly didn't want to be interrupted. This person didn’t even talk, just went about their business, pouring a little bit of cream into their paper cup.

Harper took a deep breath in and looked up, ready to give this person the dirtiest glance she could summon. But when she looked up, it was Jason. He wasn’t yet looking at her, but rather stirring his coffee before trying to secure the lid in place. She thought he looked tired, but figured that was from his intense exercises that were surely taking place now. She wouldn't be stupid enough to believe the bags under his eyes were a result of him staying up nights thinking of her. He finally looked up at her to find her staring. He didn't smile, just caught her glance and lifted his cup to drink.

She watched quietly, placing a dollar bill to mark her page and closed the book. Jason set his cup on the table and leaned back in his chair. “You didn’t call,”

He didn’t sound accusatory. It was more of a blanket statement, like he was catching them both up on the fact that they hadn’t talked in a few days. Harper wrapped her hands around her cup and stared at him, “if I had, what was I supposed to say?”

Jason let out a long, quiet sigh. He thought she’d continue, but when she didn’t, he looked down at his cup. “I don't know,”

“Were you expecting an apology?” She asked, leaning forward to rest her elbows on the table. “You were the one that got pissed off,”

“You think that was pissed off?” He flicked his eyes up to her, a partial smile on his face. “That wasn’t even angry,”

“Could’ve fooled me.”

Jason waited. He hadn’t yelled or shouted that day. Just got up and said his peace and excused himself from the situation before either of them could say something totally detrimental that there was no coming back from. “I was hurt, Harper.” He leaned forward too, “I am hurt. And I left the room thinking I’d hear from you that night. That you’d give it a couple hours of thought and call me with a more level head about what you were feeling.” He paused and searched her eyes for understanding. “This relationship has not been easy for me. At all. I open up my life to you; real and emotional things, and I get very little of that in return from you.” She opened her mouth to speak but Jason was ready to go on a rant, so he went, “it’s not about you not telling me you love me too. Whatever. You do or you don’t, whatever. But I try to get to know you, and your past, and I get a wall. And that wall is sturdy… and reinforced. And I’m beginning to doubt if you’ll let me break it down.” He took a deep breath in, hoping to regain some composure. Even if she was too proud to cry in public, he could be susceptible to. Especially with her. “Do you even want to be loved? Romantically?”

“What kind of question is that?” She took offense to him and leaned back in her seat, creating a bit more distance between them, “of course I do. It hasn’t been easy for me either, Jason. My family isn’t like yours. We’re not lovey, and touchy, and talkie about feelings. I didn’t grow up having that. And yeah, I try to make fun and light of the fact that my parents assigned roles to my sister and me, but I only do that because I don’t know how else to deal with it. Because what if what they said is true? That she’s only the pretty one, and I’m only the smart one.” She shook her head, “I know I’m guarded. And if that’s gonna be an issue for you, then this is where we call this. That wall is not coming down fast. It is reinforced. By years and years of words and roles and expectations. It’s there because behind it is a twenty-two year old girl who’s terrified that she’s not going to find someone that finds her pretty enough, or smart enough, or worthy. That I might actually have to get through this shitty, fucking world alone.”

Jason looked as though he was paralyzed by her words. Maybe that had been the most real and emotional she’d been with him to date. She hadn’t really told him anything new though. That was all information she felt like she’d expressed before.

“I wasn’t trying to be an asshole,” she whispered. “When I asked if I was like Layla to you, I just wanted an answer. I still want an answer.”

“Like I said that night, do you really think you’re like my dog? You’re a human being; my girlfriend.”

“I just want an answer,” she murmured.

Jason leaned back in his chair and grabbed his cup. In the time he took to take a sip, he stared at the ceiling of the coffee shop. Finally, he looked back at her when he set his cup down. “I hate this fucking wall. I just want you to know that this fucking wall kills me,” he paused and stared. Eventually, he shook his head softly. “You’re the smartest person I know. And you don’t even realize how beautiful, and gorgeous, and sexy you are. Really. You don’t even try, and you just are. And if anyone’s unworthy, it’s me. Honestly, you’re dating a guy who’s missing three teeth. How am I even worthy enough for you to give me the time of day? And no, you’re not like Layla. I don’t think I could survive not having you during the season. Doesn’t matter if you’re always busy, and I’m on the road… I couldn’t make it through this long season not having you. I love you; I’m in love with you.”

For the first time in this conversation, Harper really smiled. It was weak, but at least it was wide enough to show some teeth. This hadn’t been an easy encounter. She figured the same went for Jason. “How do we become okay again?”

Jason tilted his head to the side, “I think we get to decide that for ourselves. We've talked it through. I want it to be water under the bridge.”

“Me too,”

“Then it’s resolved. Done and over with.” He smiled now too. It had really been their first fight; if you wanted to call it a fight. More like a disagreement about the way they communicated. But Jason figured the more time they spent with each other, they'd navigate and forge a way to communicate that was conducive for both of them. “You wanna come over today?”

Harper nodded and placed her hands on her book, “I just want to get a little more reading done today. But I’ll come over tonight.”

He nodded and stood up, “you want dinner?”

“Nothing special,” her eyes followed him as he came to her side of the table.

Jason bent down and cupped the back of her head in his hand as he kissed her lips slowly. Three days and neither of them truly realized how much they missed that. He left with a smile, and Harper reopened her book. She started where she left off, and read the first sentence. And then she read it again. And again. And once more. Who was she kidding. There wasn’t a chance in hell that she’d get through the rest of the chapter. Getting involved with Jason all over again had the same result; all consuming thoughts, daydreaming, unfocused. What was wrong with her?

She didn’t want to seem so eager, and show up at Jason’s place so early in the day. She told him she’d be by that night, and if she had to force herself to wait, that’s exactly what she’d do. When the task of reading became a bust, Harper settled for people watching. The best part about that, was because it was a mindless task, her brain could run wild thinking about Jason while she simultaneously stared at unsuspecting strangers who were just trying to go about their day.

It wasn’t until the shop’s staff began to look at her funny, that Harper decided it might be a good idea to ignore the fact that she’d get to Jason’s house earlier than expected. The baristas seemed nervous that she’d been there alone for the better half of a few hours. Harper gathered her belongings, tossed her empty coffee cup in the trash, and walked out to her car. She hoped she’d be able to toss aside the argument and get back into things with Jason smoothly. He seemed to have been able to do that, if their parting kiss was indicative of anything.

When she pulled up to his place, she had to remind herself that Layla wouldn’t be there to greet her. And Harper also made a mental note not to necessarily bring her up. Just be cool, don’t rustle any feathers. Not yet at least. Of course they'd have arguments and spats in their relationship, but there wasn’t a reason to get into anymore of them tonight. She was knocking on his door before she even realized it. And when Jason opened it, a grin spread across his face. Maybe it was better that she showed up early… he seemed to have been waiting for her.

Notes

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Still having trouble finding my groove with this story. But I have found my groove with my story "Why We Call Each Other". Check it out and let me know what you think! Thanks, friends!