AUTUMN LEAVES

“I love this song”, Jessica said, her eyes flashing with excitement. “I guess you do”, Sidney said with a grin. They looked like a regular couple enjoying a dance at a fancy party. Only nothing was regular about Sidney Crosby and Jessica Hunter; from who they were to how fast their relationship has grown in the span of two weeks. They’ve known each other for few years through the Letangs but it had never gone beyond a dinner and sex in the past.

This time though, Sidney has made it clear that he wanted more and Jessica was more than happy to accept. She’s always had an eye for him, he was every woman’s dream, she thought. He was a beautiful, successful and confident man. She loved how strong and blunt he could be at times, and how he can be the sweetest well-mannered Canadian boy at other times. She loved everything about him, including the way he danced with her. “You’re a good dancer”, she whispered in his ear. He snorted a laugh as she buried her face in his neck where she left a small innocent kiss. Sidney looked down at her and raised his eyebrows.

“Hey, tone it down. If you haven’t noticed, everyone is looking at us”, he whispered with a small frown. She pouted at him then smiled and whispered in his ear again, only this time, it wasn’t about his dancing skills. He couldn’t help but chuckle at how uninhibited Jessica was as he scanned their surroundings to inspect who was watching them. This is when he was met with a familiar pair of green eyes that no cherry blossom tree could obscure. Her piercing gaze locked with his, casting a spell on him, making him freeze in his spot. He gulped as he felt the room and whoever else in it cease to exist. Her beautiful face was void of any emotions, her eyes blankly stared back at him, without a blink. Then he saw it. He saw how tall she stood, her chin was up, her shoulders squared and proud. There she was, the strong confident woman he fell in love with, watching him move on.

He felt his head being forcefully tilted and his eyes were torn away from Autumn. “Where did you go?”, Jessica asked him, looking in the direction of Autumn walking back to their table, with everyone around eying her. “You know, I can’t hold it against you for staring at her. She looks phenomenal tonight. I mean, I caught myself staring few times”, Jessica said with a chuckle to hide her blush. “Did you now, Ms. Hunter?”, Sidney asked playfully, trying to dismiss her first comment.

“How’s Nate? Did he kill someone yet?”, Mario asked upon his wife’s return. “Nope. He’s good now”, she answered with a smile. “Did someone harass you?”, Mario asked. “No, why?”, she asked, looking at him curiously. “Well, for starters, your face is red. I also saw how fast you walked to the table with everyone watching your every move. You certainly aren’t wearing this dress again”, Mario said more seriously. “Since when do you decide what I wear?”, she asked raising her eyebrows playfully, enjoying the rare appearance of “jealous Mario”.

He put his arm around her shoulders and squeezed her closer to him, as he kissed her temple. “Relax honey, every single person in this room knows that I’m your wife. I’m yours, Mario”, she said as she pecked his lips. “Dance with me?”, she asked, batting her eyelashes at him. Knowing that he could never say no to her, he stood up taking her up with him and led her to the dancing floor. She circled her arms around his neck and focused all her attention on her handsome husband. She was determined not to look around her for a certain someone, and to enjoy a dance with the right man. The music playing wasn’t too romantic but she needed to be close to Mario, so the couple moved slowly, in a world of their own.

After few minutes, Jessica passes by the couple and interrupts their moment. “Oh, look Sid, I think someone is trying to steal the spotlight from us”, she said jokingly, earning a laugh from Mario while Sidney gave the couple a polite nod. Mario released Autumn and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Thanks for the dance, my love. Do you mind if I danced with Jessica a bit? I want her to feel welcomed, for Sid’s sake, you know.”, Mario asked as they walked behind Sidney and Jessica. “You don’t need to ask, Mario. I know how badly you need to make sure that she meets your standards. You want to see for yourself, I understand”, she reassured him.

“Hey Sid, why don’t you take my beautiful wife for a dance and allow me to dance with your lady?”, Mario asked as he walked right behind Sidney. “I don’t want any man near her tonight. But you obviously don’t count”, Mario said in a shushed tone, only for Sidney to hear. Sidney was unable to speak, he just nodded, needing to get away from his mentor as fast as possible. But where to? To Autumn. He had just stupidly agreed to dance with her. He was flustered by Mario’s words. He surely was the last man that Mario should want near his wife, he thought, appalled by himself and by Mario’s misplaced trust in him.

He had no choice nor a good excuse out of this. He watched Mario and Jessica head past Autumn towards the dance floor. Autumn stood stiffly in front of him, rubbing her arm anxiously, not meeting his eyes. She clearly did not want to be in this situation either. But when Sidney saw Mario gesturing for them to join them, he decided to get it over with. He gave her a reserved smile as his hand went around her waist to reach her lower back to steer her in the direction of her husband and his girlfriend, who seemed to be having a good time. He was too close to her, he could smell her perfume, or was it her shampoo? He trailed behind her, sensing the heaviness in her steps. How on earth was he supposed to dance with her with her husband few feet away? He asked you to dance with her, it’s just a dance, it’s not like you’re making out in front of him, Sidney tried to reassure himself.

He did not recognize the song playing, nor did he care. He just trailed his hand on her back to hold her to him, making sure there’s a large enough gap between them, unlike the first time they had danced together. Her left hand found its way to his shoulder and her right one was secured in his, feeling the burn of their touch. He looked over her shoulder, at the stage where the band was set, at the large logo of Mario Lemieux’s Foundation placed above a marble mantel. He looked everywhere but at her. Autumn on the other hand, kept her gaze on his chest, too scared to look up, too scared to look at him. She told herself, it’s just one song and when it’s over, this torture will be over.

She tried to suppress a tear from escaping when she realized that she never wanted this torture to end. She missed being in his arms, she missed his scent, his strength as he held her, the heat of his body, she missed all of him. She felt his head tilt down and his cheek brush against her temple, the gap between them getting smaller and smaller. He could sense her sadness, he could easily feel it. “Don’t’ do this, please”, he whispered softly, and for the first time since she was in his arms, she looked at him. “Do what?”, she whispered back, searching his eyes, unaware that a tear had already escaped. “This”, he said, as he discreetly wiped her tear with his thumb.

He hugged her closer when Mario and Jessica were further away from them at this point. “This was not meant to hurt you, Autumn. Please believe me”, he said as he placed his cheek flushed to hers, pretending to dance. “I’m left with no other choice. So, I started seeing her after Geno’s party”, he added, making sure that Autumn knew this detail. “I feel empty and pathetic. Every aspect of my life seems meaningless, including hockey. I’m having the worst season of my life. I can’t keep living like this. I need to try something, even if it was dating. I need to take back the control over my life. I can’t keep loving you. I’m hurt. I burn every time I see you with him. The thought of you with him kills me every single time”, he confessed.

“So, you know exactly how I’m feeling right now”, she whispered in response as she untangled herself from him and walked towards the table. He followed close behind, making sure that Mario and Jessica were still busy dancing. He sat next to her and placed his hand over hers under the table, away from prying eyes. “Autumn, I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you. It’s not what this is. This is best for both of us. For you and for me”, he spoke softly, his voice wavering slightly. “I know. She’s a great woman. She also seems to care about you and you about her. I hope she makes you happy Sid. I wish for you to be happy. I truly do”, she said with a small voice, wearing her heart on her sleeve while trying to keep her tears at bay. Seeing her like this and hearing her words broke his heart and the thought of dropping everything for her in that moment did cross his mind, only to be quickly replaced by their sad reality.

In a moment of weakness, he wanted so badly to tell her: ‘She is not you. No one can ever replace you. No one will ever make me feel the way you do. I brought her in public to force myself to commit to her’. But he did not say any of it. He kept it all to himself this time, because it will only deepen her wounds and his. “She’s nice, we get along well”, he said instead, looking at his shoes, his voice hoarse and foreign.

She removed her hand from his, making him look at her. She took his hand again and squeezed, nodding and grinning weakly but lovingly at him. She couldn’t hate him even if she tried. “Look, you love Mario, and my god does that man love you. He makes you happy. Remember that”, he told her, trying to soothe her pain and give her hope of happiness. They both retracted their hands from one another almost at the same time, as if signaling a silent agreement to stay away from each other, for good this time.

Jessica and Mario arrived at the table few moments later, looking tired from having danced this long. “Autumn, aren’t you lucky my dear. I thought Sid could dance, but your husband here can compete in the big leagues”, Jessica joked as she gave Sid a kiss on the cheek. Autumn smiled at her and tried her best to match her cheerfulness and friendly ways. That’s how she found herself asking Jessica if she could help her with her hair and make-up in the dressing room, in preparation for her upcoming performance. At the end of the day, Jessica was innocent in all this mess. She deserved nothing less than happiness and being treated warmly and respectfully by Sidney and his friends and family.

Once the two women left the table, Mario turned to Sidney who looked lost in thought. “She seems like a keeper, Sid. She has a fiery personality, but she’s also genuine and sweet. More importantly, my wife approves of her, which says a lot. You know how protective Autumn can be over her friends”, Mario said with a bright smile. Sidney nodded with a forced smile, looking down at his dinner that had just been served. “Aren’t you supposed to give a speech soon”, Sidney reminded him, wanting to change the subject more than anything.

*****

During his speech, Mario did the rehearsed dance of thanking the sponsors and the volunteers. But what stood out was how he profusely talked about a subject that was dear to both him and his wife. Autumn was so proud hearing him talk about the meaning of arts in kids’ lives. He spoke of the importance of the new art program for underprivileged kids which their foundation is supporting financially and strategically. Mario stressed on how art, in all its forms, helps build and shape a developing brain and how it impacts the future of bright minds. He spoke articulately of facts and statistics supporting the crucial role of this kind of program for mental health and the promotion of creativity and success.

“My wife, who you’ve all met by now, is a living example of this success”, Mario spoke, pointing to his wife, sending all the audience’s attention her way. Autumn looked like the proud wife she was, with tears clouding her vision. “She is a great example of how music, for instance, can be a support system during a tough childhood. It helped her cope, it helped her express difficult thoughts and feelings, and it helped her communicate her wants and needs in life. It led her to build invaluable friendships. It helped her back during medical school and today, in her practice. I come home after an exhausting day, which is nothing in comparison to a pediatrician’s day, I can tell you this much”, Mario said, earning few chuckles from the audience.

“The first thing I hear at 8 in the evening is her angelic voice coming from the kitchen, and I know for a fact that she’d had a rough experience with a sick child at the hospital. It’s not easy when your job is to try, and worst, not always successfully, to help a sick child. Music helped her become a better doctor, a doctor that can express her frustrations and stress beautifully, for her to go back to work the next day and save lives. Now I can go on and on about my wife”, Mario joked, getting emotional when speaking about Autumn. “Why don’t I let you experience yourself the talent that is Dr. Autumn Scott”, he finished by gesturing for his wife to come on stage, among a sea of applause and cheers.

Mario has always been a great speaker but tonight, he made it hard for her to contain her emotions. She had no prior knowledge of what he planned on saying, he was a natural and never needed to write down his speech. As she made her way to the stage, her eyes never left Mario’s, her heart was drumming in her chest as she was trying to contain her emotions. Her husband hugged her tightly as the crowd kept on cheering, some standing on their feet, including Sidney and Jessica who were moved like everyone else by Mario’s speech and his love for his wife.

Once she felt steady on her feet, she released Mario and gave him a peck on the lips. “Thank you”, she said softly. Mario knew how much she meant these two words as he kissed her on her forehead and wished her luck for the big song she was about to sing. As the stage crew removed the podium where Mario was standing, she gave small instructions to Nathan who was sitting behind the piano. Facing the 800 people that made it to their event, she said a few words.

“Thank you for coming tonight and for your generous support. Now, I’m not as eloquent of a speaker like my husband, but I just want to say a few words about this song”, she spoke gently with a wide smile and an evident gleam in her eyes. She had missed being on stage that all the nerves were gone and replaced with a sense of elation. “My friend Nathan, will be accompanying at the piano”, she says pointing towards him, “Nate and I have performed together countless times. After some discussions, we decided to go with a classic musical song that is dear to us and to many of you I’m sure”, she said looking towards the artists participating and supporting their art program. “This is ‘I dreamed a dream’ from one of the greatest musicals of all times, ‘Les Misérables’”, she said before signaling for the band to start the music.

~~
There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in times gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed, that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
~~

People listened with awe as she sang this challenging song so beautifully and flawlessly. She surprised many, including some friends and colleagues, by her vocal abilities. She looked like an artist who spent every night on stage.

~~
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame
He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came
~~

This song always brought memories of her childhood, of her father and sister, and now, of Sidney. She couldn’t help but look at him before singing this last part. Their eyes locking as she sang, her voice laced with sorrow and despair; it could have just been part of the act or it could have been very real, painfully real.

~~
And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream
I dreamed…
~~

A tear rolled down her cheek and her lips slightly quivered. She got emotional every single time she sang this song, and the audience could sense it throughout her performance. People stood on their feet to applaud her. She got through to them through every word she sang, conveying every feeling and emotion that Fantine’s character represented. It was a touching performance that Jessica found herself wiping her tears and hiding her face in Sidney’s jacket. Sidney remained motionless on his chair. He knew Autumn could sing, he’s heard her before at Nate’s bar. But tonight, her sweet voice mixed with these lyrics had struck a chord. “There are dreams that cannot be”, he murmured to himself, a lump taking a permanent residence in his throat for the rest of that evening.

Notes

Hey,

Chapter 25 is done! I hope you enjoyed reading it. My main characters are struggling :( it was tough to write some parts of this chapter.

Let me know what you think!

Music has helped me in the toughest times of my life, give art a try!
Sing, dance, paint, write, there's no right or wrong in any of it. So just do it! it's life changing :)

(all the feels and love for the Flower)

Charlie