AUTUMN LEAVES

Sidney shook his head furiously. “No, we can’t tell him. We can’t. I’m not ready for this. Not yet”, he stuttered. “What?”, Autumn asked confused as she detached her face from where she buried it in his chest. “What do you mean ‘not yet’?”, she inquired as she stood up, suddenly worried. “Do you want to be with me or not? Because let me be clear here Sid, an affair isn’t something I want!”, she said. Sidney was staring at his hands when she crouched in front of him. “I want more than this, don’t you? Isn’t that what you meant by “making me yours?”, she asked more calmly.

“I do. I do want us to be together, more than anything. But It’s not that simple. You don’t understand! We can’t tell Mario, not yet. I need some time”, he answered as she just stared back at him, “Time for what?”, she asked cautiously.

“I…I need to think, I need to figure some shit out, to consider alternatives. We both know that he won’t be okay with this Autumn. My future may be in jeopardy here! We can’t tell him just yet”, he recapitulated. He stood up and stared out at Pittsburgh’s lit skyline, at this city he loved, and the one that loved him back, at the place that Sidney Crosby wanted to keep on calling home for years to come.

Standing behind him, Autumn sensed Sidney’s panic at the thought of telling Mario. “We don’t have to tell him right away then. That said, I can’t stay with him, Sid. I will leave him. I will ask for a divorce”, she said softly, trying to calm his nerves.

“No!”, his answer couldn’t have come any faster or louder, as he promptly turned to face her. “What do you mean ‘no’? You want me to stay married to him and be with you at the same time? Sid, you’re not making any sense!” She shouted back.

“If you leave him now, he’s gonna wonder why. What are you gonna tell him, huh? That you want to be with someone else? Even if you don’t tell him that it’s me, don’t you think he will keep on digging until he figures out who destroyed his marriage?! Autumn, leaving Mario is the equivalent to telling him about us”, Sidney said firmly, trying to reason with her.

“What do you want me to do then? You want keep on pretending to be his loyal wife while I sleep with you? You’re asking me to be okay with having an affair with you? When we cheated on him before, it was different. Then, we did not plot or plan for it to happen. I was genuinely trying to stay away from you to save my marriage. Now, you want us to deliberately cheat on Mario! I can’t do that! How can you be okay with this?”, she asked him, getting upset at his clear lack of reason.

“Autumn, please. We don’t have many options here”, he pleaded as he gently placed his hands on her bare shoulders. “Are you suggesting that this is the only way for us to be together? Lying and sneaking around behind Mario’s back is the only option?!”, she asked shaking her head in disappointment. She laughed dryly before she added, “Don’t you think that Mario would expect certain ‘things’ from his wife? Will you be okay with that?” she spat, stepping away from his touch.

“You can make excuses to get away from him”, he said, earning a scofffrom Autumn. “Jesus Sid, are you even listening to yourself?!”, she said fuming, as she stormed out of the room to get her clothes. Her heart was beating so fast as she felt that her short-lived dream of being with him, of being ‘his’, was getting ripped to shreds. “We only have two options here Sid, either we come clean and work on a real relationship, or we just pretend that tonight didn’t happen, you can pretend that I admitted nothing to you and go on with your life”, she spoke.

“God damn it Autumn! I love you and you love me! I want you, I want to be with you. I’m not saying we sneak around forever. All I’m asking is for you to give me time to figure things out! If you leave him now, he will know the whole truth about our cheating, about how I pursued you while you were still his wife! Do you think he would just understand or simply accept it all and wish us good luck?! No, if you know Mario like I do, you would know that loyalty is EVERYTHING to him. Do you think he would still want me on his team? He’ll make damn sure I don’t play hockey ever again! He can and will destroy my career, without a second thought. And you know what, I can’t even blame him if he did!”

Autumn listened to his pleas and worst fears as she was frantically putting her clothes on. She realized that Sidney had really thought this through and what he just said made sense, but what he’s proposing definitely didn’t. “And your logical solution to all of this is to keep on lying to him behind his back? In what universe do you expect me to agree to this?!”, she exclaimed.

“In the universe where you said you loved me!”, he retorted, visibly getting upset. He’s playing this card now, she thought disappointed. He expected her to do more despicable things in the name of love.

“Don’t you patronize me, Sidney. It has always been about your reputation, your career, your huge ego. They will always come first, before ‘us’. I, of all people, should know this by now. You’ll never man up enough to do anything that may, god forbid, disappoint anyone. You will never risk the perfect polished image of the worshiped God that you are to all of the hockey world”, Autumn said bitterly, inwardly regretting how hard her words may have been on the man she loved.

Despite how deeply this truth hurt her, hurting Sidney was the last thing she wanted. She also knew that deep down, she can never judge him if he chose his career or the twelve-year old relationship he had with his mentor over a chance with her. But at the same time, the alternative was inacceptable to her. She liked to believe that she still had some self-respect. She refuses to be his dirty mistress and to keep on lying to a man she respected, despite everything.

She deserved better than that and so did Mario. For Autumn, it was a no brainer; they can never be together without Sidney choosing her over his career, and even then, would she let him? Once she finished dressing up, she looked at him to see his face flushed and his eyes glued to the floor. He did not attempt to tell her that she was wrong or that he was willing to fight for her. Instead, his silence spoke louder than any words could, he clearly agreed with her and that effectively deepened her wound further.

Sidney wanted to tell her to stop predicting what he would or wouldn’t do. But he remained utterly quiet mainly because Autumn was probably right. He may never have the guts to face Mario, or his whole world for that matter, just to be with her. So, he said nothing after hearing her unforgiving words. Instead, he silently watched her get dressed and leave his apartment at three in the morning. And Sidney did nothing to stop her.

*****

It wasn’t until Autumn slammed his door on her way out that Sidney felt tears stinging his eyes. While what she said may be true, it destroyed him to think that she did not love him enough to take risks for him. Autumn expected him to risk everything he had but she was not willing to do the same for him. She was not considerate of how being with her will affect him. She acted selfishly and was not even willing to give him the time to figure out his future, a plan B for his career, or how to tell his second father that he had betrayed him. She did not give him the chance to even try to be with her. She simply told himoff and left. What did she expect from him? To drop his whole life for her without a second thought?

As he made his way to his empty bed, his mind raced with a million thought and question. What will she do next? Will she still leave Mario still, regardless of their future together? Their conversation was not over, it cannot have been. Maybe in a few hours after they both calmed down and reflected on things, then they could talk again. There was also the fact that half the people in their lives knew now. Giving up on sleep, he fetched his phone from the other room, from where Autumn had left it, before leaving him, he thought dejected.

He gulped uneasily as an enormous amount of missed calls and messages stared back at him; they were from his teammates, Tiffany, Nathan, and Jessica. Oh, Jessica, he thought, palming his face in frustration. Can his life get any more complicated than it already was? Yes, yes of course it can. If someone decided to tell Mario. What may be even worse than this is that Autumn, of all people, may be the one to do that.

He needed to get some sort of sleep before morning came and he had to face all this mess. As he was trying hard to shut his brain off, an alarming thought crossed his mind. Autumn left his place with no money or phone on her. It was very late, she should not be walking alone in the street. He sat up abruptly, running his hands in his messy hair, and realized with frustration that there was nothing he could do to ensure her safety anymore.

Autumn has left half an hour ago and he had no idea where to find her at this point especially without any means of communication. He scolded himself for not thinking of her safety earlier when she decided to leave. He was too wound up after their conversation that he let her walk out in the cold late hours of the night.

Where would she go? Tiff’s place was about half hour walk from his, she surely went there, he tried to reassure himself. What Sidney was unware of was that Autumn will be forced to have another difficult conversion that night, before she ever reaches Tiff’s apartment.

Notes

Another Chapter! Didn't want you to wait for too long :)
I hope you liked this chapter.

I'm sure you agree that things are always more complicated than what they seem at the surface. Sid and Autumn are having their own internal dilemmas. If we're trying to be realistic, can love really trump all?

(I hope that you didn't drink as much green beer as I did last night LOL)

Happy new week!
Charlie