Living on a Dream

"You suck at that" Jamie chuckled, inching closer to me. I did a double take before looking up fully. "Suck at what?"
"At lying."
"I'm not lying. Why should I be?"
"You shouldn't, but you are. Did something happen on the floor?" he leaned his head a few inches from mine so I could hear him. Something did happen, but it was something that wasn't bad. I didn't know how to say it.
"Tyler and I may have kissed."
Jamie rolled his eyes and sighed. "What was that about?" I asked, a little offended. "Third time this week" he shook his head.
My heart stopped and it felt like I was drowning in my own body. Third time? Of course it is, he's an attractive hockey player. Girls throw themselves on him and I had proof just from the start of the night.
"You don't like him, do you?" Jamie asked with a raised brow. I didn't even know the answer to the question. I couldn't like him. When you just meet someone you don't develop feelings, right? I kissed him and it felt amazing, but then again I've had many great kisses that never went past a just that. It would be silly of me to think this time it was different only because of a stupid dream.
"I don't have feelings for him" that answer sounded more plausible.
"Good because it's dangerous that way. He's not the commitment type and you seem like it."
"How do I seem like it?"
"Because you're wholesome" he sounded nervous that he offended me. I leaned my head back on the booth. "I need a drink" I sat back up.
"I'll come with you" Jamie slid out of the booth behind me. He held onto my shoulder so he wouldn't lose me. I didn't mind, it felt comforting. We found two spots at the end and sat down. I got my drink and turned toward everyone on the dance floor. I wanted to see where Tyler may have been, but couldn't find him. He was probably outside or in a corner making out with another girl. I wanted to say it was whatever, but I kind of felt special in that moment. He kissed me like we were the only two. He probably made all those girls feel that way. "So like, is Tyler always with a girl or...?"
He was sipping his beer and nodded. That made me feel a whole lot better. "It depends. Game nights, no. When we travel sometimes, but mostly down here."
"So you're saying every night except like three nights?"
He laughed, "a little. Are you sure you don't like him?"
"I am sure."
"Good. I don't want you to get hurt."
"You probably warn everyone about him."
He shook his head, "I try, but no one listens. They tend to think I'm jealous or something."
"Never thought that. I mean all those girls weren't just crowding him. They wanted you to have their babies too" I joked. He laughed as he was just finishing his sip.
"Sorry" I giggled. He swallowed and continued to laugh. "It's cool, yeah they want to co-parent." He was so awkward it was endearing.
"Co-parent? Funny way to put it."
"But it's true" he pointed at me.
We sat by the bar for the next half hour just talking about life in Dallas. I've only been here for a semester and a half, but I still haven't gotten used to it. Moving from a big city to another was harder than I thought. Who knew city life in two states could be so different?
Diana came over to us and stood next to me. "Ready?"
"Yeah I'm getting tired" I spun toward her. She leaned up against me as if to keep her balance. "Finally got Ceej to stop talking to his new friend." I looked over to see Charles actually dragging C.J off his stool.
"Drunks" she shook her head.
"I guess he's not driving then" I stood up causing Diana to almost fall, but I caught her. "And neither are you."
"Charles is" she slurred. I held onto Diana so she wouldn't fall. Jamie stood up in front of me. "We should all hang out again" he smiled. I saw in the corner of my eye, he slipped a piece of paper in my pocket. "Call me" he gave me and Diana a hug since she was attached to me. While walking back I couldn't help but scan the crowd for Tyler. Again, he wasn't there. I just gave up and followed my friends out.
----
I woke up to sun shining in my face from the window above me. I don't remember drinking a lot last night, but my head was killing me. I turned to the wall and closed my eyes. This day was going to be awful.
Something in me wanted to call Jamie. I wanted to know what happened to Tyler and how he felt. I don't know if guys tell each other everything, but to me it was worth a shot. I waited until lunch time before I could say anything. There was a sense of nervousness I know I shouldn't have felt. I got up and dressed to go to the grocery store. Diana stayed back due to her major hangover. I jumped in my car and drove right outside of Downtown Dallas. The dreaded shopping started. The day was just a normal Sunday. Dee and I would go shopping in the afternoon. Saturday nights were for going out to bars or drinking at home, watching tv. After shopping we'd get lunch next door and get back home to put the food away. After that we would be hanging out and watching Food Network as if we didn't look at food all day. I walked up and down the aisles picking up everything we usually do. Ice cream was next on the list so I rolled my cart over two aisles down. I stopped in my tracks when I saw him. He was wearing a baseball cap again. His shirt was tight and his sweatpants were loose. He looked relaxed. I tried to back out until he saw me. 'Crap' I couldn't move. He walked toward me with a smile on his face. My heart began to beat at a normal pace again and now I was stuck. He was inches away before calling out my name. "What happened last night?" Tyler gave me a concerning look. I wasn't sure if he actually cared or was making some kind of conversation. "I-I.." Real smart.
"I didn't think I was that bad of a kisser" he smirked.
"Shut up" I cracked a small smile.
"You smiled which means you should come get something to eat so we could talk."
I rolled my eyes and leaned on the cart. "So that's what that means" I nodded. "Seems legit" I said sarcastically. "Really?" he asked like he couldn't believe it. I scoffed, "no."
"But will you still come out with me to talk?"
I placed my hand on my chin in contemplation. I really was trying to figure out what was the best thing for me to do. I still don't know if it was the best thing. "Sure" my breath came out, hard.
He smiled and continued to follow me until I finished shopping. Tyler helped me get everything into the car and walked me over to the diner I usually went to. We sat down in the back and waited to be waited on. He sat across from me, hands folded on the table, leaning his weight against his arms. I looked away after a 30 second intense stare down. Those eyes brought memories from last night. Just how close we were, feeling his forehead to lean on mine. I refused to think about the look he gave me last night with pure passion. The topic was bound to come up, but for now I needed to ignore it. I looked back at him now stirring the water we were both given. I ripped the paper off the straw and dunked it in my glass. My movements matched his as I stirred the straw around the perimeter of the glass. "Copying me?" that was the first words either of us mustered since we got here. I looked up to see his smile. "It's psychology" I shook my head, trying to dismiss what I said as unimportant.
"Is it?"
"Yeah" I shrugged without saying anything else. He just didn't leave it alone. "Go on" he smiled for the first time without flashing his teeth.
"Mirroring someone's action when you see them do it can be uncontrollable. Its like when you sneeze and hear someone across the room a second later sneeze, they were looking at you in that moment." I waited until it processed in his head.
"Think I learned that in high school or something" he shrugged. "So you were looking at me?" he grinned. I shook my head. "Well you are right across from me."
"Right" he seemed upset about that. A pretty waitress with golden blonde hair and blue eyes came to take our order. She had long legs and a model body. Of course Tyler stared. "Drool" I pointed to his mouth with a smile. His cheeks became pink and gave me a dirty look. I rolled my eyes in response.
"Hey ya'll, ready to place an order?" Her voice had a screetch to it. The blonde looked from me to Tyler then rested her gaze on him. Again I rolled my eyes, only Tyler didn't see. "In fact I am" he turned his body to her. I looked down at myself and poked my arm to see if I was really there.
"Burger for the handsome man. And you" he looked at me for a split second then turned back to him. I ordered honey chicken and waffles. She lingered around for another few minutes talking about 'how wonderful Tyler's eyes are.' Brittney finally went to the back. I didn't even pay attention to her name until Tyler said it. He turned back to me, a smile still plastered on his face from the many complements. "It's cute how jealous you are."
I laughed and couldn't stop.
He frowned.
I finally stopped and wiped my eyes with my fingers. He definitely felt insulted at my response and I guess I couldn't blame him. "Sorry" I dipped my head down for a second before picking it up. "I'm just not jealous." I lied. Why am I so jealous? Last night meant absolutely nothing...to him.
"Yeah, okay" he shook his head.
"What if I was?"
He did a double take. I didn't even know that was coming out of my mouth. "Well..then I'd be"- I interuppted him since it sounded as if he didn't know what to say. "Don't finish that."
"Look, Ri, you're a great person. I don't want you to be jealous, I can't have you be jealous. I've been alone for so long that commiting to one person is just not in the cards. I hope you don't hate me." I sighed, trying to find the right thing to say. But it never came. We sat in silence. My heart fell to my shoes. The rest of the time I had to look at him and think about last night. I wanted to go back over and over. I wanted to feel like I was the only one. But I was never the only one, not by a long shot.

Notes