Living on a Dream

...Two weeks later...

It's been thirteen days since my lunch with Tyler. The other day I saw him but quickly ran away. Diana bumped into Jamie on that same day and gave him my phone number. He worried that I wasn't calling him because of what I told him about kissing Tyler in the club. Jamie tried calling a few times, but I didn't answer. I shot him a text so he knew I was alright, just didn't feel like talking. He respected that and hasn't called since. Either that or he was mad that I didn't contact him sooner. I tried not to think about it too much. I just buried my head in my studies for finals. My last one was coming up in a few days. I continued to study for my most important psychology final. It got tiring so I took a step back and watched some videos on YouTube. After a half hour my video was interrupted by a text. I feared it was Jamie so I didn't look for another hour until the next text came in. Finally I looked to see my ex from New York's name. I read his message saying he was coming in this weekend to visit family and wanted to see me. I texted back that I would meet him.
The only reason we broke up was because I moved here to finish my masters. The distance was too much. He had a great job on Wall Street and couldn't afford to leave. If I moved back after finishing up, we were going to be together. The last three years I was happy with him. This time though, I didn't know what to think. Tyler's name kept popping up in my head right after my exes. It was like he haunted me. He was stopping me from thinking about another man. It's all in my head, he's only in my head. I couldn't have him consume my thoughts anymore. This hold had to come off. But how?
It was to much to think about and my head was already full of Tyler's name, and those eyes. Those eyes just captivated me from the moment I looked into them.
I picked up my book and started to read, studying the content. "Psychology of holding onto unreciprocated love" I read the topic out loud. When we discussed it in class a few months ago, that title didn't phase me. Now, it felt like a brick to the face. Maybe I needed to read it. He clearly doesn't feel the same and I needed to leave it alone. I can't leave it alone because of that longing of wanting to feel love. Some kind of love that can be true. Wanting to see if it can be true is what drives us to keep pushing, even if it's not there. And in this case, it's not there, which hurts.
"You need to get out" I heard Diana's voice through the door. I locked my bedroom so I could study and mope by myself.
She knocked three times. "Did school kill you?" she joked. I stood up and went to unlock the door. "Almost."
She furrowed her brows. "Have you been crying?" she asked, hesitantly.
"No" I lied. I did shed a few tears thinking about this unrequited love bullshit.
"You've been lying a lot lately."
"White lies" I answered with a shrug. She crossed her arms and shifted her weight to her left leg. "Even then liars go to hell. I know you have a few tattoos and dark hair, but you aren't the hell type." I rolled my eyes.
"How do you know I'm not a spawn of Satan?" I joked.
She chuckled. "Because you're too good and your heart is too pure." I didn't answer. There was really now way to answer. Sometimes I wished my heart wasn't so big.
"Speaking of, you not responding to Jamie isn't very you. He's done nothing to you. I mean I understand if you were upset with Tyler, but not Jamie."
I interrupted what she was gearing up to say. "I don't want to see Tyler" I half shouted.
Diana matched my tone. "Why not?"
"I like him. I just have to get over it" my tone went from slightly high to normal. We heard a knock at the front door. I hoped Tyler didn't find what housing I was in. We both went to the room since we weren't expecting anyone today. Just to be safe she took out the baseball bat from under the couch. Diana held it in her hand and opened the door slowly. It was like a reenactment of a show on those true crime shows. I stood close by her. She opened the door, almost swinging the bat. "Stop" I shouted. It was my ex, Shawn.
She put the bat down and looked at me. "That's my ex."
Diana's face turned red, "nice to meet you." I couldn't help the laugh escaping my lips. It's been a while since I laughed. "Diana this is Shawn, and you know.."
She held her hand out to shake his. "I'll be in my room" she rolled the bat back under the couch. "Stay safe" Diana turned and pointed between Shawn and I. Again, I laughed. Without warning he engulfed me in a hug. His olive skin smelt like the sweet cologne he's always worn. He rubbed the back of my head. "I missed you" he whispered in his deep, throaty voice. I closed my eyes and whispered back, "I missed you too." We parted ways after what seemed like forever. The memories of his arms wrapped around me always gave me comfort. He was my first love and only. I had a connection with Shawn that felt like a rarity. He always knew how to make me smile. Yes, we had our arguments, but it was always worked out right away. We weren't hot headed people at all so it made things easier.
"You look beautiful" he rested his forehead on mine. I smiled as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. He dipped my body down ever so slightly. His lips were right in front of me so I kissed them hard. All the passion came back, but something was different. I wasn't sure what though.

Notes