Captive

The day I was accepted into nursing school.

Josh’s funeral.

College convocation.

The day I got deployed, in this very airport, Ryan had hugged me and made me promise to take care of myself – though we were no longer together.

History.

Ryan has always been a constant in all the major events of my life. And now, he was here, sharing my safe return home with my family.

The end of summer 2016 cookout – my going away party before my latest deployment – marked the last time we saw each other. He was Josh’s closest friend and he has always been welcomed at our home, despite the end of our relationship four years ago.

“Hi Mia.” He said and without any hesitation gathered me in his arms, disregarding the company we had. Seasons have changed outside before the hug ended. I broke our embrace and cleared my throat. With his hands steady on my shoulders, he kissed my forehead. “I thought I’d never see you again,” he said with glossy eyes.

I pulled away. “I’m okay, Ryan. How...um… How have you been?” I asked, feeling all eyes on us.

“You know, same old stuff,” he said with a hoarse voice. He sighed shakily, “God, I’m happy that you’re back safe.”

I tucked a loose strand behind my ear and smiled weakly at him. The awkwardness was heavy in the air. He was my ex-boyfriend after all, the first man I deeply cared about, the same man who broke up with me because I joined the Armed Forces.

“Sidney, this is Commodore Ryan Park, an old family friend,” Jamie interjected.

Sidney looked at Ryan long and hard, as if trying to figure him out. He surely had put two and two together since he knew my ex’s name.

“Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Crosby. Welcome home.”

“Thanks, same here,” Crosby said with a tight smile before he finally shook Ryan’s stretched hand. “You’re a soldier too?”

Ryan stood tall in all his decorated uniform glory. Crosby’s question was quite rhetorical.

“Navy Flag Officer. I’m the Commander of the Canadian Fleet Atlantic. I manage maritime strategy and operations here in Halifax,” Ryan said, his tone proud and rightfully so. He was a big deal in the Royal Canadian Navy.

Crosby nodded slowly while scanning Ryan from head to toe, but before he said anything else, Ryan turned his attention back to me. “So, did the Air Forces figure out why you were targeted?”

I shook my head and rolled my eyes. “You do know that we’re not allowed to talk about it, so why ask?”

Ryan smiled fondly at me, “Just making sure that you’re still the same old hot-tempered woman I once knew.”

I couldn’t stifle my chuckles. Ryan knew all too well how to get a reaction out of me.

“Mia, Sidney, come with me. Mr. Trudeau and Mr. Sajjan are waiting to meet with you,” my dad announced. “They’re in the room near the flags over there.”

“Meeting the Prime Minister and Defence Minister. You’re a big shot now,” Ryan laughed. “Try not to roll your eyes at them,” Ryan winked and laughed again.

Crosby excused himself and started walking away. I move quickly to catch up to him.

“Someone’s too eager to meet Mr. Trudeau,” I said.

He paused and looked at me briefly. “You seem too happy seeing Ryan. Isn’t he your ex or something?” he asked casually, but the underlying interrogation was as clear as day.

“He’s very close to my family still, so we’ve learned to be okay around each other.”

“What I just saw seemed way more than ‘okay’ to me. But what do I know,” he said, never meeting my eyes.

“You could say that we’re on friendly terms.”

“You like them old,” was his last and a rather dry comment.

“He’s only a few years older than you,” I said, getting a little annoyed.

That conversation was certainly not over, but Mr. Trudeau was waiting for us at the door with a kind smile.

“Mr. Crosby, Officer Shaw, please meet Mr. Harjit Sajjan, our Minister of National Defence.”

Following the introductions, they invited us to sit at a round table in the middle of what seemed to be a conference room. Once the coffee was served, the four of us were left alone.

“How are you doing? Did you have a chance to rest?” Mr. Trudeau asked.

Crosby shook his head and looked my way, “barely.”

Mr. Trudeau smiled and nodded. “You must be excited to be back home.”

“Of course, Sir,” I answered.

“Thank you again for your service, Captain Shaw. And you, Mr. Crosby, I...” Mr. Trudeau paused. “I admired your gesture of bringing the Stanley Cup to our deployed troops in Iraq. I really did. When the league announced it, I was slightly jealous of our soldiers, you can ask my wife.” The Prime Minister laughed lightly and we joined him.

“It certainly didn’t go well,” Crosby said with a frown. “It’s... it was not the best decision on my part.”

Pursing his lips, his eyes remained on his coffee cup. Trudeau nodded his understanding.

“There is no use in regretting it, son. You went there with the best of intentions and knowing the risks that you were personally taking,” the Defence Minister said.

Clasping his hands, he continued, “Now, we’re here to reassure you both that the investigation is still on-going. We do not know the full extent of Hassan Kadri’s operations yet. So safety protocols have been put in place to protect you both.”

“Do you mean even here? Are we in danger here, at home?” Crosby asked.

“We have no reason to believe that Kadri has dormant or active cells in the country, but we cannot rule out this possibility yet.”

“Sir, does that mean we will have to stay at a safe house?” I asked.

“We’re not asking you to do that at this time. However, you’re not permitted to travel out of the country for the time being. We’re taking some measures. You are assigned security details provided by the RCMP. They are mandated to accompany you whenever you’re on the move. They also have set posts at your respective homes where other tight security measures have been taken.”

“What does that mean?” Crosby inquired.

“It means that, for the time being, both of you are staying in Nova Scotia. The Protective Policing Service will check every guest entering and leaving your houses. They have also installed security cameras with face recognition technology. Why don’t you let us take care of these details, Mr. Crosby? All you need to worry about is following our recommendations to ensure your safety.”

What Mr. Sajjan said was hard to digest. He just told us that we are not in the clear yet, at a time when we were hoping that this whole thing would be over and behind us – that we would go back to normalcy.

“Officer, do you have any questions?” Mr. Trudeau asked. I haven’t spoken much I guess.

“How long will we have to follow this protocol, Sir?” I asked.

Mr. Trudeau looked to Mr. Sajjan who seemed to have all the answers.

“For now, we’re taking it four weeks at a time.”

Crosby placed his elbows on the table and held his head in his hands. With a heavy sigh, he stood up and started pacing.

“Tell me something, Mr. Sajjan, is my family in danger too? Will my presence endanger their lives? And if that’s the case, why brings us here, huh?” he asked with his hands at his waist. Oh, he was getting angry.

“Mr. Crosby, rest assured that we are doing all that’s necessary to ensure your safety and that of your family.”

“Rest assured? I was abducted in broad daylight on Canadian Armed Forces soil. For three months we were imprisoned with no sign of your government even trying to rescue us. So I’m sorry that I don’t feel so reassured.”

“I understand your frustration, Mr. Crosby,” Sajjan said, but Mr. Trudeau interrupted him.

“Sidney, the whole nation was behind you, both of you. While it did not look that way, we were searching the earth for you. Believe me, we were. I was following the situation closely. The Armed Forces along with our allies in Iraq never stopped their active search for you. We even widen the search perimeter to Syria and Turkey. At times, we were given wrong Intel. There were moments where we thought we had a lead. Yes, we failed, but believe me, it was not from the lack of trying.”

Crosby had his back to them as Mr. Trudeau tried to clarify the government’s position. I kept quiet because, unlike Crosby, I believed everything Mr. Trudeau had just said. It was easy for a civilian to conclude that the Forces didn’t care. Me, on the other hand, I knew how the Forces operate.

“Can you at least ensure that my family is safe?” Crosby asked as he watched the empty tarmac from a window.

“Look, I suggest you go home and check out what we have installed in place. If you’re still unsure then, you can call the RCMP and they will arrange for you and your family a safe place to stay at. Your security details should have all the information. The good news is that there are endless options available to you at this point. We’re not in Iraq, Mr. Crosby. We’re in complete control of our Canadian environment.

Crosby pursed his lips in response.

“Could you excuse me for a minute, Sir?” I said standing up.

“Sidney, you have to trust the process,” I told him quietly as we stood in the corner of the room. I tried to get him to look at me and when he did, he sighed.

“It’s not like we’ve been given much of a choice here,” he said exasperated.

“I don’t think we’re in danger at home. Hassan has been in Iraq for a few years now. I don’t believe he had any business in Canada. But the Forces are not taking any chances after what happened to us. That’s why they’re being overly keen on our safety. Okay?”

“Hassan is dead and his men are likely in Iraq,” he said. “It’s just... what they’re suggesting seemed exaggerated to me. It’s as if we’re still in imminent danger,” he added with a lower voice.

“I know. But I don’t think we are,” I said with a reassuring smile.

“Better safe than sorry I guess,” he said as we made our way back to the table.

Sajjan did not miss a beat. “I would like to remind you that all information related to your abduction is classified, meaning it must be kept secret. It’s a matter of National Security and we take it very seriously. Your families have already signed the necessary paperwork, like the ones you’ve signed at the base in Baghdad. Mr. Crosby, given your stature, under no circumstances you are to discuss with the media facts beyond your personal wellbeing.”

“I understand. In all cases, I won’t be speaking to the media any time soon.”

“Thank you for your understanding.”

“Now on a lighter topic,” the Prime Minister clasped his hands, “Officer Shaw, Mr. Sajjan was telling me that the Forces have granted you a six-month leave, extendable up to a year if you wish. But I would like to let you know that the Forces and National Defence are open to negotiating more flexible terms. It’s the least we could do.”

“Thank you, Sir, I appreciate it,” I said.

“And on a happier note, the Defence Ministry will be honouring you, both of you, and celebrating your safe return home. You will be receiving the details in the coming weeks.”

“Thanks, Mr. Trudeau. There’s really no need,” Crosby said and I stifled my laugh. Mr. Sajjan must have noticed because he smiled at me knowingly.

“Mr. Crosby, it’s a customary ceremony for prisoners of war coming back home. I see you’ve spent three months with a military officer and you still haven’t learned our ways,” Sajjan joked. I chuckled and Crosby looked at me with a genuine grin that reached his eyes.

“She’s a great nurse and soldier, but a terrible teacher,” he joked at my expense. The bastard knew that I wouldn’t be able to respond the way I would have liked to in the presence of the bosses of my boss’s boss. So, I settled for a death stare.

*****

“Ready to go home, kid?” Greg asked the second Crosby and I came back to the lounge, having said our goodbyes to the Prime Minister and his Defence Minister.

“Kid?”

“We’re not at the base, so for the few days I’ll be staying here, we’re dropping the formalities, girl,” he winked and tapped Ryan on the shoulder, “I’ll ride with you.”

The busy lounge was almost empty except for our parents and siblings, my aunt and her family and my two military friends.

“Sid, honey, we’re going with Mia’s family,” Trina said. Crosby and I exchanged looks. “They want to visit Josh before going home,” she said with a sad smile.

I felt my chest immediately tighten at her words. I wanted to visit my brother before going home. I was not aware that my family had the same idea.

“Yes, um... of course, we will go together,” Crosby said as he gently placed his hand over my back.

“I’ll see you later, I guess,” I said and joined my family who were putting on their coats.

“Here honey,” my mom helped me wear my coat and linked her arm with mine. When I did not move, she stood in front of me.

“Mia, I know that – ”

“It’s so unfair,” I said, looking at my feet.

“That you’re back home safe to us? And somehow I knew that you’d be feeling this way. But say that again and I don’t care if you’re 26 now, I will drag you by the ear,” she said in a serious tone.

“Karen, are you ready?” my dad called.

“We’re coming,” my mom gave me one last stare before linking her arms with mine again and walking me to our family caravan.

I sat with my mom, my grandma and siblings in the back, while my dad sat in the front next to our assigned security detail. We drove behind Ryan’s car while Crosby’s parents and the rest of the family followed in the convoy.

The ride to the cemetery was quite. Not a single word was said beside my mom telling dad that Ryan had found parking spots near the back entrance. Other than Ryan and Greg, waiting for us in the parking lot was the press – the inconsiderate nosy bunch as Crosby once called them.

“Don’t worry, they won’t be following us inside, I made sure of that,” Ryan said to me as I eyed the journalists and their equipment. Unlike when we were at the airport though, the reporters were very quite, except for the sound of their cameras capturing every step we took.

With his arm around me, Jamie squeezed me to his side as we made our way into the graveyard. I stopped in my tracks when I remembered that something was missing. I let go of Jamie and with quick strides, I headed towards the gate where Crosby and his family were making their way in all the while trying to hide away from the cameras.

“Hey, where are you going?” Crosby asked as he jogged to keep up with my pace.

“Need something from the car.”

Reporters were swarming us; it was something I will have to get used to, at least for the first while. I swallowed the lump in my throat and asked our bodyguard to unlock the car for me.

He did a good job of blocking the nosy bunch from invading the van. Crosby stood in the sliding door and watched me closely as I went to the second row seats and retrieved the flowers my grandma had bought me. I sat down to gather my emotions before flashing my blotchy face to the lenses.

It was the first moment I had to myself since our landing. Well, it lasted five seconds before Crosby climbed in and closed the door. He sat next to me and held my hands in his. I suspected he wanted to do more but we were being watched.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Mia. I won’t say that I understand how you feel because I don’t think I can. Just know that I’m here, okay?”

I nodded and wiped my eyes. “It’s just unfair that I make it back alive and Josh, he, he was… he deserved better. I hate myself for being fine when my brother who was a greater soldier than I’ll ever be lay buried in this graveyard.”

And there it was, I said it out loud. I put in words the feeling that has taken over me ever since I stepped on that aircraft in Iraq.

“Oh Mia, come here,” he whispered and hugged me to his chest, ignoring all the flashes. “Wherever he may be, I’m sure Josh is happy that you’re okay. He would have wanted his sister to be okay so she could watch over her parents and Olivia and Jamie, to carry out his last wish.”

Crosby was right as usual, but I couldn’t help but feel that guilt.

“Thank you,” I whispered and reluctantly disentangled myself from his warmth and the safety of his arms.

His cheeks were flushed and his eyes sad. He gazed at our joined hands and swallowed. A knock on the window startled us. Crosby let go of me and turned towards my dad who has opened the door.

“She’s fine, Richard, just needed a minute,” Crosby said on his way out.

Flowers in hand, I parted the group of reporters behind Crosby and my dad. I must have worried our families because they were all looking at me expectedly. “I’m sorry, I just wanted to bring the flowers. Nana, you wouldn’t mind, right?”

My Grandma gave me a warm hug and wiped my wet face. She shook her head and stayed at my side all the way to Josh’s resting place. I have visited my brother a total of four times since he passed. All those time, I was dragged along with my mother and grandmother.

My brother’s headstone did not look any different than the ones surrounding it. The inscription was also similar to that of his neighbouring brothers in arms. But as I kneeled and replaced the withered flowers with my red and white ones, I thought about how truly unique my brother was. He was special in every aspect of his life. He was perfection in everything he’s accomplished in his personal and military life, until his very last breath.

Trina joined my mom and grandmother in a prayer. With hands clasped in front of him, Crosby bowed his head with his eyes closed. Was he praying too?

Beside him, our dads and Greg stood with the rest of the family. Ryan put his cap on the headstone and kneeled beside me. He hugged me to his side and rubbed my arm. The whole scene awfully resembled the funeral. He looked at the flowers intently. “Sometimes I forget that he’s no longer with us,” he whispered.

I rested my head against his shoulder and allowed my tears to flow freely; I would have choked otherwise. Once the prayer was done, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“Come on, sweetheart, let’s go home now,” my dad gently said.

I shook my head and glanced behind me, “could you all give me a minute, please?”

Everyone nodded and started walking away. Ryan made no attempt at leaving my side. He was staring at the headstone, lost in thought. Greg patted Crosby’s shoulder before leaving.

When my eyes met Crosby’s, I nodded and he understood. With some trepidation, he followed behind Greg. He glanced at us two more times before disappearing behind the golden fall trees.

I stared at the bright flowers then at Ryan who had a tear in his eye. He sniffled and stood slowly. He placed his hat back on and gently stroked my hair. “I’ll wait for you over there. Can’t leave you here all alone,” he said with a low voice. As a final order of business, Ryan saluted my brother’s grave before giving me the space I needed.

“Thanks, Ryan,” I said. My broken voice mirrored how I felt inside.

I sat where my brother was buried a few feet below.

“I think talking to the dead is stupid but I guess people do it because there’s no other option. I mean I could write you letters, but you never liked reading so…” I chuckled and wiped my eyes. “Um, I just want to say that you’re the only reason I’m alive. You’re the reason I haven’t lost hope in the past months. And that I miss you... Okay? Okay… I… think… I may visit more often now that I’m home. I can’t promise that I will, it still too hard to… to accept that you’re gonna be stuck here forever.”

Who was I kidding? This was a stupid idea. I felt worse. I dusted my uniform and searched for Ryan. True to his words, he stood below a tree nearby and was at my side the second I was me on my feet.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

I sighed, “I don’t know, I just need to sit down. I’m tired.”

“Let’s get you home.”

Patience must be the inconsiderate bunch’s best quality. They were still there waiting to snap the best picture for their story. I cast my eyes away from the cameras on my way to the van where my parents were waiting.

The adjacent parking spot was empty. The Crosbys SUV was no longer there. I scanned the rest of the parking area for him but came up short. My heart sank. Did he just leave? Did he leave me without so much as saying goodbye? After everything we’ve been through together, don’t I deserve more than this?

The solid ground felt like putty under my feet, threatening to swallow me whole.

Deep down, I was hoping for a ‘see you later’ rather than a goodbye, but in the end, it seemed I was destined for neither. As hard as I tried to brush it off, to think that he just wanted to go home with his family, I failed.

Everything around me started spinning, the cars and the commotion. The ringing in my ears took over my mom’s voice. My breathing was shallow and my body felt numb. Everything felt the way it did three months ago when an explosion turned my world upside down.

“I’ve got you,” Ryan said and steadied me.

Notes