Captive

Standing barefoot in the back entrance, he tilted his head with an endearing lopsided grin when he saw me sprinting out of the car. I stopped at the door and briefly glanced back to make sure that Peter was out of view and we had no spectators. When I turned, he was a mere inch away. He engulfed me in his large arms and lifted me up. I tossed my bag, hooked my legs around him, and showered his neck with small kisses.

“Hey you,” he breathed, placing me gently back on my feet. He kissed me with lips so soft and warm that I felt my knees quiver and my head start spinning.

“We have a problem,” he whispered.

Alarmed, my eyes flew open.

His smile widened, “Three days without you felt like three years.”

“Jerk! You scared me!”

He kissed me harder in response. Smiling against my lips, he asked, “so, do you have everything you need in that bag?”

When I nodded, he slung it over his shoulder and gestured for me to follow him. I’ve never walked through this tunnel. I don’t believe I have. But it smelled just like the rest of the arena and that was enough to bring tears to my eyes. My feet got heavy and I felt my lungs fight for air.

“We are alone, I made sure of that,” he said then paused. “What’s wrong?”

I shook my head, and the tears that started small became an ugly flood that got his attention despite the dim lights.

“Mia? Talk to me,” he said softly.

“I haven’t skated in… in like… since college.”

He looked at me long and hard as I tried to collect myself.

“You mean, since Josh passed away?”

I nodded and wiped my eyes. It was something my brother and I did. It was our thing. Sure, I played street hockey in the past five years. But never did I put my skates on. And I definitely haven’t set foot in this arena since.

“I’m sorry. I was supposed to be the supportive one today.”

“It’s okay, Mia. Did you play here?”

“Yeah, Minors,” I managed to say, my voice was almost back to normal.

“Do you want us to leave? We can go to another arena. My buddy can –”

“No, no. It’s fine. Let’s go.”

“We don’t have to.”

“Well, well. Are you using me as an excuse now?”

“No, I … It’s not that. I don’t like seeing you upset,” he said, “I swear.”

“If you swear, then I must believe you. Now, let’s see if my skates still fit.”

I tried to suppress any memory that may surface upon entering the small locker room. It was either renovated or my memory was betraying me.

“If not, I got you a new pair.”

“Huh?”

“I got you a new pair of skates. They’re black, too,” he said, sounding very proud of himself.

“Why would you do that?”

“Because you hate pink and white skates?” he trailed. “Oh, you’re not asking about the colour. Well, um, you said your skates are quite old, so…”

I stuck my tongue out at him and started putting my worn skates on. He shook his head and sat beside me, still barefoot.

“Your feet are not too ugly for someone who’s been wearing his skates for the best part of his life.”

“Thanks?” he scrunched his eyebrows and my eyes went back to his feet. “Hey, stop inspecting my feet, you creep. Do you have a foot fetish or something?”

I laughed and shook my head. Standing up, I relished the empowering feeling of having skates on. I felt taller and capable of taking anyone who may cross the line. I may have used my skates as a weapon when I was thirteen. I remember Josh was secretly proud of me. My parents on the other hand, scolded me for Matthew Fowler’s nine-stitches wound that was too close to his private parts.

I was brought back to the present when I heard the sound of laces being forcefully tested to their limits. All my tall glory moment dissipated when Crosby towered over me. He looked huge and intimidating – nothing like that Fowler kid.

“Ready?” he asked.

“You talking to me?” I asked with raised eyebrows.

“I see how this going to be,” he shook his head and headed towards the rink.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” I yelled after him with an old stick in my hand. He looked over his shoulder and yelled back, “later.”

I caught up to him at the bench door. He tightened his hand in mine and looked into my eyes briefly before pulling me along onto the ice. I wobbled for a few seconds before finding my footing. The ice was so fresh, so perfect. We skated slowly and I heard him sigh. He smiled at me before letting go of my hand and starting to skate faster and faster. He’s been longing for this moment for so long despite the fact that he’s been putting it off. Dark thoughts of never being able to skate again consumed him when were prisoners.

From centre ice I watched him skate around from net to net. He was flying lap after lap, and I was momentarily mesmerized at the best skater in the world doing his thing for the first time in months. To think he was scared and stressed about his ability was absurd. I skated around lazily while enjoying the Crosby show, a mix of sheer strength and grace.

Once he was done with his warm-ups, he fetched two sticks and a bag of pucks that were stashed behind the visitor bench. He put on his gloves and threw a pair my way. Was he expecting me to play hockey with him? Oh, dear God. He winked and handed me a stick that was perfectly cut for my height.

“Come on, let’s shoot some pucks. Nothing too fancy, okay? Remember, I need my confidence back.”

The cocky bastard.

“I don’t want to be in your way, Sidney. Go ahead, I’ll watch,” I said and placed the stick next to my gloves on the bench. He skated back and leaned in front of me.

“Oh, come on. I was kidding. We’re simply gonna shoot at an empty net. We’re not doing any drills. It’ll be fun. Come on!”

“You making fun of me will be fun for you only, not for me,” I pouted.

“I won’t make fun of you, come on now!”

I sighed and caved.

If anyone was keeping score, he was destroying me.

“Angle it a little. No, not like that.” Came yet another comment.

“Mia, do this, it’s better to do that,” I mocked. “Would you stop it! You telling me what to do is as bad as making fun of me. I didn’t ask you to be my teacher!”

“Chill, okay. I was just trying to help. Jeez, competitive much?” he spoke with my back as I skated off the ice.

“Fine. Go ahead and act like a baby,” he muttered and went back to shooting pucks, a lot harder this time. If he was angry with me, he was taking it on innocent rubber disks.

In the locker room, I unlaced my skates and retrieved my shoes. I thought it would be fun to skate with Sidney Crosby. Instead, he was acting like an intense asshole, evaluating and correcting my every move. I often forget who he really was. What just happened was a painful reminder.

The loud slapshots ceased and a few seconds later, his tall shadow loomed over me. Sitting beside me, he changed into his shoes and packed his gear and whatever he had brought for me, seeing that I left them in the nearby cubby.

“We’ll ride with Paul. I already texted him,” he said matter-of-factly.

The plan was to go back to his place where I would spend the few nights separating us from our official ceremony at City Hall. I followed behind silently and remained this way until we got to his place. He tossed our bags in the mudroom with a thud and turned to me.

“We’re still banned from leaving Nova Scotia. Can’t walk outside without bodyguards. Still waiting to learn what Hassan really wanted from us, to know if our lives are still in danger. Today was supposed to be us having some fun during these shitty times. And what do you do? You throw a tantrum because I made a few hockey suggestions. Don’t you think we have enough problems?” he said, his voice loud and unpleasant.

I didn’t know how to respond. I have overreacted, but it wasn’t because of his ‘hockey suggestions.’ My reaction had deeper roots. I realized this now. All that he listed was on my mind too.

“What? You’ve got nothing to say?” he asked then pursed lips.

“You mean about when we can leave Nova Scotia?”

That caught him off guard. He must have expected me to scream back at him as usual. Instead, my voice came out strained with sadness, and it was his turn to have nothing to say. He gulped and went into the kitchen. He took his coat and hat off and leaned forward against the counter. It was hard to explain how much I was dreading this conversation. We were both tiptoeing around this subject for weeks now. Well, not anymore.

“Do you really believe that I don’t think about these ‘shitty times’ we are going though?” I started and he turned around. “Do you want the truth? Sometimes I feel thankful for the awful situation we’re in, the one that keeps you fifteen minutes away from me.”

“Mia –”

“You know what the shittiest part about this whole damn thing? It’s that ‘normal’ we’re both supposedly craving. Your normal and my normal that can never cross paths, let alone coexist.”

“That’s not true,” he said with a low voice.

“Really? Like how? Please tell me.” When he had no answer, I continued, “we are just kidding ourselves, trying to avoid the inevitable. I think it’s best that we...”

“We what? What are you saying?” His face blanched and his lips parted in surprise.

I wiped at my eyes and looked down. “It’ll hurt much less now. It’s for the best.”

“It’s not. It cannot be,” he said with a strained voice. He closed his eyes and took a deep, shaky breath. “Listen, I know what you’re thinking. I will go back to Pittsburgh and forget all about you. Mia, I can easily accuse you of the same thing. You may go back to Iraq and forget all about me. But will you? Will just forget about us, Mia?”

“I… I… No,” I admitted.

“Then, why do you think I would? And don’t start with this whole ‘you’re a superstar’ argument of yours. You know who I truly am, better than most. And it… it hurts me when you assume that I can move on and throw it all away.”

“I never said that. I just think it will be difficult being together while we are not really together. I’m just trying to be realistic, Sidney.”

After a loud sigh, he said, “I know, and I’m not saying it will be easy. But if we both really want to be together, we will do whatever it takes to make it work. I know I would.”

“You mean having a long-distance relationship? Those never work, Sidney. I’ve seen way too many failed relationships during my deployment. Even marriages can’t always withstand it.”

“Well,” he said as he closed the gap between us, “I don’t know about these couples.” He placed his hand on my cheek and stroked my skin with his thumb. “All I know is that if you truly love someone, distance won’t matter.”

My heart almost stopped. I couldn’t look away from the intensity in his eyes to save my life. He bent down and kissed me softly. His arms snaked around me, suffocating every argument I had.

“Besides,” he breathed, “you will have a twelve-month leave.”

“Six,” I manage to say.

“You hear the PM, you can extend it, and you will,” he said confidently, stroking my cheek with his knuckles. “When we’re cleared, you come with me to Pittsburgh.”

I couldn’t verbalize to him all the conflicting thoughts his words triggered. He asked me to go home to Pittsburgh with him, all the while deciding that I should postpone reporting back to duty. Also, he basically confessed that he loved me. Or was he talking about me loving him?

He knitted his eyebrows, “the wheels still turning?” he said, in an attempt to disguise his anxiety.

I avoided his gaze and untangled myself from him.

“I need, I need a minute,” I mumbled and walked away.

It was too much to process. He didn’t follow me like I expected. Instead, I heard his footsteps on the stairs. I sighed and stared at the snow falling outside the living room window and covering the grass all the way down to the docks. A single snowflake latched to the glass. I marvelled at its intricate beauty – a structure so complex yet so fragile.

I should be happy with what Sidney had just said to me. But an important part of who I am knows that I shouldn’t, I couldn’t – the part that is dedicated to serving my country, tending to our soldiers, saving innocent civilians, to doing the only humane job in a war. That same part was guarding my brother’s memory alive inside of me. That part of me that existed way before he came into my life, the one that broke Ryan’s heart and was about to break my own.

With a single shaky exhale, the snowflake before me melted into the smallest of drops.

Notes

Hi!

I hope all of you are doing well and staying safe.

More to come soon ;)

Charlie