One Breath at a Time

I had never been so eager to go home after work. I needed to know how my husband and daughter were doing. I arrived to the smell of beef stroganoff cooking and a sexy man with his back to me in the kitchen.

“Hey, babe.” I said, wrapping my arms around his torso.

“Hey. How was your day?” he said, turning around.

“Okay. I’m so glad to be home though.”

“I’m glad you’re home, too.”

“I’d like to hope so. I am your wife after all.”

“You are way more than my wife, mon chéri. You are the love of my life.”

I smiled and stood on my toes to kiss him. He wrapped his arms around me while mine went around his neck. He pulled me into a deep kiss and I didn’t want us to separate, but of course all good things must come to an end.

“Mom! Are you home yet? I heard the door.”

The sound of footsteps caused us to part.

“Hey, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

“What is it?”

“I know things are gonna get crazy, but I want us to try again. I’m ready.”

I hoped he understood what I was saying. He started to open his mouth but was interrupted by Kalea.

“Hi, Mom!” she exclaimed.

“Hi, Kalea. How was your day?”

“Okay. I uh… heard about something today.”

“So did me and your Dad. Was this about something that’s happening all across the world?”

“Yeah. It’s scary. Will we be okay? Is the world gonna end?”

“Kalea, look at me.” Kris said.

She did, ready to cry.

“We’ll be fine, no matter what. You’re tough and so is me and Mom. This’ll probably get out of control, but I highly doubt the world is gonna end.”

“You can’t be sure.”

Tears were beginning to fall; he wiped them away.

“It might seem like at point. No one knows for sure. This is early. It also could end sooner rather than later.” I said.

She nodded and hugged us both.

“Anyway, are you two ready to eat?” Kris asked.

“Me!” Kalea said, raising her hand.

“Absolutely.”

He fed her first and she went into the dining room to eat like we usually do at dinner time.

“You were about to respond to me wanting to try again before Kalea came into the kitchen…”

“I’d rather talk about this when we’re alone. Before going to bed, perhaps?” he said, touching my arm.

“Yeah.”

I sighed and took my dinner and walked away. He each got us something to drink, knowing what we both liked before sitting down to eat. I enjoyed what I was eating and the small talk while we ate dinner as a family, but I could not help but think about what was going through Kris’ mind right now. I brought that back up right before eating dinner and I expected an answer? Right there? On the spot? I am a fucking idiot. I hoped he would buy my happy nature and not notice how busy my mind was, but he can read me like an open book so I was doubtful.

“I’ll take care of the dishes. I’ll be out in a few.” I said, heading into the kitchen.

I needed to breathe and have a moment to feel vulnerable. They’re isn’t much time to be vulnerable around your child when they see you as a superhero, so I take the moments when I can. Sure, I’m vulnerable around Kris, but I need a moment to myself. I heard them turn on the television and laughs soon erupted. I tried to smile, but it wasn’t working. I walked into the living room ten minutes later.

“That took you longer than usual. Are you okay?” he asked as I sat down next to him.

I just snuggled into him and laid my head onto his shoulder.

“Athena?” he whispered.

“Just tired is all.”

“You’re a terrible liar.”

“Can we talk later, please?”

“Yeah.”

Two-and-a-half hours later, Kalea was in bed and I was still watching television with Kris; I wanted to talk so badly, but also wanted to go to bed at the same time.

“I’m going to bed.”

“I’m coming with you.”

“You don’t have to. It’s only nine.”

I got off the couch and by the time I reached the stairs, he picked me up.

“Kris! Que faites-vous?“ (What are you doing?)

“À quoi cela ressemble-t-il?” (What do you think I’m doing?)

“Ne sois pas malin.” (Don’t be a smartass.)

He laughed.

“Content que tu trouves ça amusant.” (Glad you find this amusing.)

“Allons nous coucher et parlons.” (Let’s go to bed and talk.)

He completely ignored what I said and went to our room. Once he set me down, I grabbed my pajamas and changed without saying a word. I walked into the bathroom and finished getting ready before climbing into bed; I watched Kris as he joined me in bed.

“So…” I started.

“So… you said you wanted to try for another child?”

“I am. I’m still terrified though. It’s irrational, but…”

He took my hands and faced me.

“But what?”

“I have a fear of having another miscarriage. We both know how scarring that was, especially me since you were at practice and Kalea was at school when it happened.”

I started undressing to take a shower when I saw the large amount of blood on my panties. I woke up that morning not feeling well, so I called off work and went back to bed knowing Kris could get himself and Kalea out for practice and school respectively. Still feeling shitty three hours later, I hoped a shower would help, but it didn't get that far. I stood there in shock, knowing something was terribly wrong and that I likely lost the baby. Kris was surely done at practice, getting dressed so I called him immediately; he answered after four rings.

"Hey." he said.

"Hey." I said panicked.

"What's wrong?"

"I think I um... lost the baby. There was this huge amount of blood on my underwear and I just... don't know what to do. I don't know what to do, Kris."

I was in tears. There was a moment of silence before he replied.

“I’ll be home in twenty minutes and we’ll head to the hospital. Sound good?”

“Sounds good. I love you.”

“I love you, too. Athena, it’s okay. We’ll be okay.”

I hung up and changed, not even bothering to shower. I was sitting on our bed when I heard the front door open. He ran up the stairs and into our room, only to see me looking solemnly at the carpet.

“Athena?” he asked, walking in.

I looked up with blurry eyes and walked toward him, hugging him immediately.

“You ready?”

I only nodded. I grabbed my purse and took hold of his hand as he led us outside to his car. Lying in a hospital bed this early was unnerving and scary; my heart raced as I had a tight hold of Kris’ hand.

“Mrs. Letang?” the doctor said walking in.

“Yes?”

“I heard that you had heavy bleeding and cramps this morning. Are they still happening?”

“Still have cramps and some light bleeding.”

I had to bite my lip to keep myself from crying; Kris squeezed my hand, sensing this. My doctor lifted my shirt and spread some gel on my stomach; I couldn’t bring myself to look at the screen. He looked around for mere seconds which felt like a lifetime to me.

“I’m sorry to say this, but you had a miscarriage…”

I put on a strong face as he spoke more about what to do and expect after a miscarriage, but when I got in the car, I lost it.

“Why’d this have to happen? We weren’t planning on having kids when I became pregnant with Kalea, but we actually planned this pregnancy and lost our baby. I don’t understand.” I sobbed.

“I wish I could answer that for you. I really do. I wanna understand just as much as you.”

He was fighting tears, but eventually, the dam broke and they ran down his face.

“We already told Kalea that she’s gonna be a big sister; that was only last week. How are we supposed to tell her? How am I supposed to be strong for her while I’m mourning this loss?” I said.

“We’ll simplify it for her and you don’t always have to be strong. She may see you as a superhero, but you’re allowed to be vulnerable… even superheroes are vulnerable sometimes.”

“You have a point. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

We kissed, but it didn’t make either one of us feel that’s much better. While I laid down in bed, Kris went and waited for Kalea at the bus stop. I may have eaten lunch after we got home, but then I showered and dressed before slipping into bed which is where I remained for a good amount of the day. We told Kalea together around dinner time, she was sad, but nowhere near the state that I was; I was thankful for that.

“That’s understandable. I get it. I’m scared, too, but I am ready despite what’s going on in the world.”

“Wanna start soon?”

He smirked.

“Does now sound good or tomorrow or-“

I interrupted him and turned slightly placing my lips on his. He grabbed me by the hips and pulled me onto his lap, tugging on my shirt. Several minutes later, I was lying flat on my back and content.

“How’s that for a start?” he asked.

I laughed.

“Amazing. Simply amazing.”

Notes