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@EvelynaKitty
Thank you for your advice. Not every character in a story can survive, even if it is Jonathan Toews, or Patrick Kane.
Poor Kazer....
Three things: One, I love the action in this, Two: I feel like each part should be extended some more, and Three: I'm confused at how they got from the bedroom to the shower so fast. Can this be paced a little longer and slower? I know that this type of writing is highly exciting, but this is where it takes great patience. Sometimes I still have this problem, but pacing is best helped through description, however boring it may be. Hope this helps out! I still love this idea, even though....you're gonna....kill....Jonny or Kanerboo....
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't kill either of them!! :O Why does Kanerboo or Jonny have ta die???? No. No. I'm gonna be sooooooo sad. :(
Yes, I love the description added. Let me know if you need any help and feel free to just use my stories for examples of description help if ever you're in question, but I think it is great! :D Good work!
OMG, who wrote the action part in the beginning of the story‽ That was like boss! I could TOTALLY picture it like a movie! That was the clearest action part from a story I've ever read! Awesome, awesome job! :D
@J10954
Cool! I like the action with it a lot. That is good. However, the description involved I think could be a little more. Try describing the setting some more and really put the reader in the scene. That is the only thing I would say. Let me know if you need some help with that. ;) I'd love to help you out.
@EvelynaKitty
I would enjoy getting feedback from you as well. I am always open for ideas, and criticism.
Oh my gosh...NO!!! Please don't let Kanerboo die!! :(
Ahhhh...I need more with this! It's still very good and I love it! Great job! Keep it up! :)
Like A Shruinger, I'm willing to help you out too! :DD I'll gladly be willing to give you feedback too!
@J10954
You are welcome! :D Okay, thanks, I really apperciate that! Awesome, can't wait for the action!
@A Shruinger
Thank you for your comments. They were helpful. I did change the rating, and I can promise you that there will be no more sex scenes, as I used times like that to build characters and to get everything laid out before the main plot begins. From now on it will mostly be action.
@J10954
Okay, so critizism is good for you, it's good for me, it's good for everyone, so please, don't be offended by what I'm gonna point out to you.
Alright, so there are a few complants in this story that I have.The sexual content in this story.
First off, let's go into ratings here, if you don't mind. The number of sex scenes in this story is waaaay more than a rated R story. This is practically a NC-17 story here. Why? Because there can only be two sex scenes in a story--more than that changes to NC-17. I got this info from the MPAA rating, since I love looking up ratings. :)
Second thing, the descriptions in the sex scenes are like....ew. I'm sorry, but they're disgusting. Don't get me wrong, I can tolerate LOTS of stuff when reading stories, such as foul language and violence, but these scenes just put real disturbing images in my mind and I'm like, "No." Just putting that out there for you so that you're aware of this.
Third thing, it seems like as if the sex scenes are taking away from the plot and they seem so irreverent. For an example, James was suppose to go meet with the Dean lady, I believe, but instead he goes have sex with his boyfriend! I mean, it was a surprise that he was gay, cause I would've not had guessed he had a boyfriend, but my intention here is to get to the plot and know why Toews, Kane, and James are wanted dead, not to read about...yea, you know what I'm gonna say.
I picked out this story to read because it was different from the rest of the stories out there (which are mainly about romance) and I like different! Trust me, you can check out my stories and you can see that I'm writing different as well ;) I don't want to tell you what to do because I believe that authors have the right to write whatever they want to write about and nothing should hold them back. And trust me, I wouldn't like it if someone told me what to write and not write about, but I put limits on my writing. I hope this message is not to harsh on you, but I just wanted to shed light on some things from this story.
Thank you for your time and I hope you'll put this into consideration :)
Awwwwww!!!! I didn't realize it had been a dream and then he woke up!! Great pacing and suspense. I'm still enjoying this! Can't wait for the next update!! :)
That is so funny how you put 'Toews' instead of 'Jonathan' in your story! Don't worry, I do the same in my stories since there's so many Jonathans out there (Jonathan Quick, Jonathan Bernier...); it's good to know that I'm not the only one who does that! But awesome story--something different, which I like! ;) And your writing is great so far! :D I subscribed! :)))
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@J10954
You're very welcome, anytime I can help out. I know...but I'm going to be sad nonetheless...Good work so far though and I will read and like it! :)
12/12/14