The bath tub was filled. I stood at the edge of the tub after turning off of the water and stared at my reflection, watching the way my face was distorted with each ripple of water.

How could I possibly be feeling these emotions towards Kris? My mind had been solely focused on Evan for so long, trying to come to terms with losing him, trying to savour the way he had made me feel. When did they shift? When had I allowed myself to even humor the idea of feeling all of that with someone else, and when did that someone become Kris?

I placed one foot into the water, feeling the warmth and allowing it to creep up the rest of my leg before placing the other foot in as well. I stood there for a minute, still staring down at my reflection in the water. My stepping into the tub had caused the water to swirl, making it almost impossible to see my face. It had also captivated me, the way that a reflection was so easy to distort. I spent at least two minutes watching as the water calmed a bit and returned my face to the surface of the water before actually sitting down so almost my entire body was submerged.

The light that hung above the bathtub was blindingly bright. Sara referred to the bathroom as outer space because of the strength of the light versus the contrast of the dark walls. Sara's dad had installed the light after the one the apartment came with fell from the ceiling in the middle of the night. Sara and I never had the heart to tell him that the light he had installed was so bright that we almost had to wear sunglasses just to go in there, so we had learned to cope. There was a small lamp that sat on the counter, and we used that when the tub or shower wasn't in use. Sara hated the light. I had learned to find some sort of comfort in it's brightness.

With a deep inahle of air, I submerged myself, opening my eyes once I was hidden beneath the water so that the light was all I could see. I focused on it instead of the way my chest was tightening, begging me to fill it with more oxygen. I let my eyes feel the weight of the submerssion and the sting of the bright light at the same time. I let my head fill up with the quietness the water brought. It was the only thing that drowned out the worries in my head. Silenced the guilt that told me I was forbidden from feeling any of those emotions for anyone else. It was a break from the suffocation of my emotions, as ironic as that may be. Almost drowning myself was the only way I felt like I could "breathe."

The tightness in my chest became almost overwhelming, and I finally pushed myself upwards against, gasping for air as soon as I was above the water once more. My sudden re-emergance caused cup fulls of water to tidal wave over the edges of the tub, splattering onto the linolieum below it as I breathed, wiping at my sore eyes with the balled fists of my hands. The cries in my head were back. The guilt in my heart was soaring. The tiredness of my body was almost aching.

I glanced over at the time and pushed my sopping hair away from my face before grabbing the shampoo. I might as well actually have a bath before I had to head off for my therapy session.

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Dr. Bailey looked as though she wasn't sure what to tell me when I finished retelling the previous night's discovery to her. It was the first time I had actually admitted that Kris was the friend I had ranted and cried about in my earlier sessions. It was also the first time I had ever felt any form of affection for someone other than Evan. I knew I would eventually find someone again, as that's wat I was told many times, but I didn't expect it to be so soon.

She adjusted her glasses before smiling at me. "Katy, I know that the most obvious feeling you have right now is guilt, but there's no shame in feeling these emotions again."

I twiddled my thumbs together in my lap, shrugging slightly. "It's easy to hear that, but not easy to believe it. I feel like I'm betraying him. Kris was his best friend, and I'm just... I don't even know what I am."

Dr. Bailey smiled again, her eyes soft with understanding. "All victims of a loss experience this. It feels as if you're not allowed to feel joy or love again because they're unable to feel those things now. But that's not the case." She glanced down at her notepad momentarily, not looking back up at me before speaking again. "Katy, you've described Evan as the founder of your happiness a few times. He's also been called your oxygen, or the person responsible for holding you together. What I gathered from those references, is that Evan was a person who dedicated himself to keeping people's spirits up, is that right?" She looked to me, waiting for me to nod in agreement before continuing. "Katy, why would a person who strived to make you so happy, want you to live in a state of sadness? Why would Evan want you to be alone, carrying around this weight of depression?"

I could feel my emotions rising up in my throat, struggling to overtake me. "I know he wouldn't want me to be miserable. I just can't imagine that he'd want me to move on."

"Kaitlin," Dr. Bailey said sternly, looking as if she was actually upset by this confession, "if he were the kind of person who would rather you be alone then find comfort and life with someone else, then he the not the same man you described to me in earlier sessions." She paused, calming down once more. "If Kris was his best friend, and he and Evan were as close as you've said, I can't imagine him being upset that he's the one you turn to. Kris would be a man that Evan trusted and respected, and I have no doubts that the only thing Evan would want for you now, is for you to be happy once again. There's a beauty in happiness that we all overlook so often, Katy. Don't miss it yourself."

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Kris had been ushered out of the apartment moments after the realization set in. I had feigned a headache, as well as a sincere apology, and ushered him out before he could realize the fraud in my claim. Truthfully, the realization of what I was starting to feel was terrifying. It brought me back to the moment after the As Tall As Lions concert, when Evan kissed the back of my hand and told me I was "infuriatingly beautiful." I had been confused about what I was felt for him after the statement had been made, and maybe I had experienced the same feelings when Kris admitted he was in love with me.

I wanted to punch my fist through a wall, just to relieve some of the frustrations. I had been over-thinking every word that had ever been exchanged between Kris and I since our first run-in at the counselling centre months ago. When I had gone from being so mad at him, to... whatever I was right now?

I couldn't place the moment, and that alone made me even more furious. Why wasn't I as in control of my emotions as I would like to be? Why couldn't I have found Kris' change of heart and need to make sure I wasn't alone anymore annoying? Why did I seem to find comfort in his company?

My thoughts were pulled back into present time when someone knocked on the door, forcing me to pull myself off of the couch and head over to the door, still trying to sort my head out.

Kris stood on the other side of the door, looking tentative as he looked at me. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay," he said, offering a small smile. He held out a tupperware cup to me, still smiling. "I tried to make you some soup. I hope it doesn't make you more sick."

I took the container from him, almost chuckling at the sweet gesture. "Thank you," I said, turning so I could walk into the kitchen and place the container down. I heard Kris step into the apartment behind me, the soft sound of the door clicking shut letting me know he wasn't leaving right away. I turned back around to look at him, crossing my arms as I looked him over, trying to see if there was a physical change that had maybe set me off.

"Are you feeling better?" Kris asked, looking at me in concern. "You ushered me out so fast yesterday, I was worried."

I felt bad for having lied to him but didn't want to admit that I was actually fine, health wise. "I feel a lot better. It must have just been something I ate," I lied.

Kris twisted his mouth to the side, glancing around the room. "You should come to another game," he said, walking over to where I was so we were standing side by side. "I think I play better when you're there," he joked, nudging me with his elbow.

I forced a smile. "Yeah, I'm sure I can make it out to another game sometime," I agreed, clearing my throat. "Do you have practice today?"

"I just came from practice," he said, seeming almost amused by the question. "How sick are you? Are you sure you're okay?"

I swatted the hand he was reaching towards my forhead away, laughing despite my best efforts. "I'm fine, I just lost track of time, I guess."

He grinned, pointing his index finger at me and chuckling everytime I ducked before he could touch my face. "Look at that," he said, lowering his hand with the grin still intact.

I calmed myself down, looking at him. "What?"

His grin softened into a smile. "You're laughing. You don't do much of that anymore."

I shrugged, crossing my arms again. "There hasn't been much to laugh about in the last year, I guess."

"You should look harder," he said, placing a hand on the counter so he could lean to the side a bit. "When you're laughing and actually happy, you're like a ball of light."

The sentence caused me to stare up at him in awe. It wasn't the first time Kris had said something that drew attention to our similiarities in the coping method, but the comparison of my laugh to light made something flutter inside of me.

Kris's mouth turned down at the sides a bit, concern etching across his face. "Kaitlin? Are you okay?" He asked, noticing the change in my face.

I opened my mouth, trying to think of a proper response for him. How did I admit that his telling me I was like a light was only adding fuel to these feelings? The way he looked so geniunely worried didn't help either. The words to explain that I had realized I was falling in love with him didn't surface, but as if my body controlled itself, I reached a hand out and placed it on the side of his face, causing his face to shift from concerned to confused as he tried to grasp what was happening. I wasn't even sure myself, but there was no pause in my movements as I slid my hand to the back of his head and drew him nearer to me, allowing our lips to press gently against each other's. It was a soft peck, one that felt as if it had barely happened.

I let my hand drop from my his head, moving back a step to look at him. He was processing, trying to figure out what had just happened. He looked to me for the answer, his mouth open a bit. "Did you just..." he stopped, lifting a hand up to his mouth and touching his lips gently. It was as if that movement confirmed what had happened for him, and seconds later he had stepped towards me, both hands wrapping around me as he leaned down to caputre my lips again.

All of the screams inside of my head were silent.

Notes

I mean...you all knew that was coming, right?