The Diary of an Unintentional Puck Slut
December 7, 2013
Dec. 03, 2013
I have been a complete idiot!
I finally talked to Brandon. I went to his house because I wanted to visit my cat while he was away, but he hadn’t left yet. So I decided to take Carli’s advice and talk to him.
It turns out he hadn’t gone home with that girl from the club the other night.
“No, she was really drunk, and annoying, so I put her in a cab. And then I went home because you were making out with Beau,” he explained, a little annoyed. “Why do you care who I sleep with anyway?”
“What? You didn’t sleep with her?” How could I have been so stupid!
“God no, she was just a dumb puck bunny,” hearing him say that word reminded me of what Carli had called me.
“Am I a puck slut?” I asked him, suddenly feeling tears building behind my eyes.
“What? No, I mean a little,” he teased, “but no. You’re just...”
“A slut?” I said finishing his sentence.
“No, no you’re not a slut,” he said, though I’m not sure he believed himself.
“Yes I am,” I said as I started to cry on his arm, “I’m such a horrible girlfriend. I don’t deserve Sid.”
“Hey, don’t say that,” he said stroking my hair.
“Carli asked me if I loved him, and I don’t think I do,” I said looking into his eyes, I almost blurted out the other stuff we talked about, (being honest with Brandon about my ‘feelings’ for him) but I stopped myself. I don’t even know how I feel about him.
“That’s okay, if you don’t love him yet,” he said trying to make me feel better.
“I don’t know if I ever will. I mean, if I keep doing stuff like this,” I said, still crying a little.
“It’s okay, it might take some time, but I know he likes you a lot, and he’ll wait for you,” he looked down at me and I could see something in his eyes, something he wasn’t saying.
“But what if I’m never ready, for him,” I said, “what if there’s someone-”
I got cut off by his phone buzzing.
“I’m going to be late, I have to go,” he said kissing my forehead as he left.
And now I’m all alone with Pancake.
So confused. At least I got to see Sid yesterday, we had fun just hanging out and talking.
I think he really wants to meet my family now. Fuckkk
I’m not ready for that!
Dec. 07, 2013
Something is very very wrong with me.
I don’t think things will be the same between Sid and I. I don’t even know what to think.
At practice on Wednesday I had just gotten on the ice and was messing around with Sid before he left. I stole his stick and tried to hit a puck into the empty net with it but missed (by a lot) and we both started laughing.
Then I started to feel sick and my heart started beating really fast, and things started to go black.
Next thing I knew I was in the Pens medical room with a bunch of sports medicine specialists trying to figure out what was wrong with me (now that I know what it was there is probably no way they would have figured that out).
So Sid drove me to the hospital. It wasn’t really an emergency, my heart rate had returned to normal and I could breathe normally (except I was wicked confused and scared), but we still went to the ER.
I ended up being able to see my normal doctor because she happened to be on call that day. They did a bunch of blood tests to see if I was sick or had an infection.
When they finally called us in I had fallen asleep on Sid’s shoulder. Sid looked so anxious and concerned I thought he was going to break.
Getting the results was so much harder than I thought it would be.
I thought I would get a prescription and go home, take some time off from school and work to get over whatever disease I had.
Nope, that wouldn’t be necessary. I’m not sick. I’m fine actually.
Apparently I had a spontaneous miscarriage- where the body rejects the fetus and then freaks out about it. It was probably caused by my medicine.
I was shocked, how could I have been pregnant? I was especially confused because I had taken those three pregnancy tests that came back negative.
I told the doctor that, and she said it might have been too early to show a positive result.
My doctor explained that I had probably not taken my medicine correctly and that’s how I got pregnant.
I was relieved to find out that I wasn’t pregnant, even though I didn’t know I had been.
Sid, however, was different.
He looked devastated, like everything he had ever wanted had come crashing down in front of him. I saw a single tear slip out of the corner of his right eye.
I didn’t even know what to say to him, or what to think.
The ride home was silent. I could tell he was very upset with this.
When we got home I curled up in bed with him, not wanting to talk about it.
After a few minutes he asked if I was still awake.
“Yes, why?” I asked sitting up to look at him.
“I’ve wanted to tell you this for a while, but I think this is the right time. Emme, I love you,” he said looking into my eyes. He looked so sad I almost started crying.
I didn’t know what to say, so I smiled and kissed him, and then fell asleep on his chest.
The next morning I was still trying to process what had happened. I made breakfast for Sid in silence as he stared at his coffee with a melancholic expression.
I sat down across from him. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“There really isn’t much to say,” he said finally looking up at me. His eyes were full of pain and sadness. It hurt to see him this way.
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly after a few minutes.
“This isn’t your fault, you didn’t even know you were preg-” He stopped like he choked on the word.
“I don’t even know how this happened; I was so diligent about taking my medicine every day at the same time and I followed all of the instructions.” I looked down at my pancakes, unable to make eye contact with him.
“Emme, this is not your fault, if anything it’s my fault for not pulling out,” he said, sounding disgusted with himself.
“Sid, don’t say that,” I said looking up at him, “I have a weird allergy, and maybe we could have handled it better, but we don’t know if anything different would have worked better.”
He shook his head, “I don’t know,” he said and then looked up at me, “Emme what I said last night, I meant it. I wasn’t just saying that because of what happened.”
“I know,” I said with a smile. “You’re going to be late if you don’t get going soon.”
He reluctantly agreed, and left for the pre-game skate. I told Kate I was sick and would be out for a few days.
The Pens beat the Sharks 5-1, so that cheered Sid up a bit.
That night we went to sleep in each other’s arms, and I woke up this morning with his arms still wrapped tightly around me. It felt like he never wanted to let me go.
After he finally left for an optional practice (which he almost skipped but he’s never missed one so I told him he should go) I decided to visit my cat. She always makes me feel better.
I was surprised to see Brandon still at his house when I got there, but I was kind of happy because I wanted to see him.
I wasn’t sure if I should tell him or not, but I’m glad I did because he pointed out something major that I had not realized.
“How are you?” He asked as I sat next to him with Pancake. “You’re not going to get me sick, are you?” He said leaning away. (I guess Kate told everyone I had the flu)
“No, no I’m not sick,” I replied.
“You’re not? Then what’s wrong?” he asked looking concerned.
I sighed, “I, um, I guess I was pregnant, but I didn’t know I was, and I had a miscarriage.” I looked down, not wanting to see his pretty eyes.
“Oh my God,” he replied after a few moments, “You were pregnant? Like, how much?”
“I don’t know, she didn’t say,” I replied realizing that was something my doctor had left out, “but she said it was probably because I took my medicine wrong when I first started taking it. I guess you’re supposed to wait a week when you first start taking a new kind of oral contraceptive before doing stuff.”
I could tell that the last half of what I said did not make sense to him because he looked confused, but it might have been because of something else I’d said.
“Wait, when you first started taking it? Wasn’t that in September?” He asked starting to look panicky.
“Middle of September I think, why?”
“So you were like, over two months pregnant?” He asked, and it hit me. I had not even thought about that. I just assumed I’d missed one period and the tiny fetus was just a few cells, not a few centimeters.
“Oh my God,” I said leaning on him for extra support, my heart suddenly beating uncomfortably fast again.
“And did you, um, think about the fact that Sid might not be the father?” He said looking down at me as I continued to collapse on him.
“Oh my God!” I started bawling as I realized what he said. It was hard enough knowing that Sid might have been a dad, but knowing that I might have been pregnant with Brandon’s child was too much for me. Now I had ruined not only Sid’s life, but Brandon’s life as well.
Well, maybe not his life, but that kind of thing can change you.
I don’t know how long I lay there crying, but Brandon waited for me to calm down before he left.
I spent the afternoon and evening crying with Pancake, and then did some homework.
I watched their game against the Bruins at Brandon’s, not wanting to go home.
They lost 2-3 but it was very close.
I have two final papers due next week, I did not need this right now.
I just want to go to sleep and all of this to go away.
P.S.: This must be karma.
P.P.S.: I’m not pregnant though, so at least I’ve got that going for me.
Edit: I accidentally deleted this story when I was trying to fix a spelling error in the title so I'm reposting all of the chapters. And I changed my user name, so don't be surprised.