The Diary of an Unintentional Puck Slut

April 27, 2014

Dear Diary,

Brandon met me at the airport, even though it was 3 AM and he had a game the next day. I was so happy to see him again, and he was shocked at how fat I was. (Fat meaning pregnant, I’m not fat!)

When we got home I feel asleep in his arms immediately.

The next morning I made him buckwheat blueberry and banana pancakes.

“I’ve missed these,” he said, still smiling. I don’t think he’s stopped smiling since I got back. And neither have I. I didn’t realize how much I missed him, or needed him, until I was in his arms.

“I made them for Eric too, he really liked them,” I said, sitting down next to him.

“What are we going to do about Eric?” He asked.

“What do you mean? Like, about his daughter?” It felt weird to say that.

“Yeah, is she going to live with us? Or does he want to keep her?”

(With us? Does that mean we’re living together? Like, permanently?)

“I think she’s going to stay with me, and he said he’ll visit, or something. I don’t know,” I sighed, realizing how complicated things still were, even after I found out who the fathers are.

Brandon had to leave for practice, and I decided to stay home to watch the game. I wasn’t ready to face the wags, although I’m not really a wag anymore.

After the game, Brandon returned to find me in bed, but not asleep yet.

“I wanted to wait for you to get home before I fell asleep,” I said sitting up to kiss him as he got into bed.

“I’m glad you did because there’s something I wanted to do with you,” he said, returning my kiss.

“Oh really? What’s that?”

He lifted up my shirt and rubbed the scruffy start of his playoff beard on my stomach, giving me kisses lower and lower.

“Oh, you mean sex?” I said laughing at how long it took me to figure out what he was talking about.

He looked up at me, “yeah, I mean, if we can.”

“My doctor hasn’t said I can’t.”

So we did. He was a lot more careful this time, usually we are so rough together it was kind of strange to see him this way. It reminded me that he actually cared about me.

-

I saw Sid yesterday for the first time since returning to Pittsburgh. I needed to get the rest of my stuff from his house, and I was going to sneak over while he wasn’t there, to avoid having to talk to him, but he changed the code for the gate to his house.

I was mad at first, but then I realized it made perfect sense. I wasn’t his girlfriend any more, and I didn’t really have the right to be in his house when he wasn’t there.

But it was really embarrassing. There were a couple of paparazzi waiting by the gate and they probably got some good pictures of me embarrassingly getting rejected each time I entered the code. That’ll lead to some fun headlines in the tabloids; ‘Crosby locks pregnant ex-girlfriend out of his house.’

I called him that night and made arrangements to go to his house yesterday.

It was hard. It was the first time I had seen him, in person, since that day in March when everything… started to end? I guess that was the beginning of our ending.

His patchy playoffs beard was starting to grow, not really a good look for him.

He had already packed my stuff in boxes, and it looked like they had been there for a while.

He helped me put them in my car, even though I didn’t have that much stuff, and then we awkwardly said goodbye.

“Um, do you want the car back?” I asked.

He sighed, “no, you can keep it. I wouldn’t want it anyway.”

“Yeah, it’s not really your style,” I joked, but he didn’t smile. “Sid, I’m really sorry. For everything. And how the results came out, I was really hoping they would be yours,” I tried to apologize, but he wasn’t having it.

“Who was ‘A’?” He asked.

“Oh, umm…” I forgot he knew about that, and I really didn’t want to explain.

“When you called me, you said ‘A’ and ‘B’ were matches, and I knew Brandon was ‘B’ so who else did you sleep with?” He looked more angry than sad now.

I sighed, “Eric Staal,” I said looking down.

“What?” He seemed very surprised, “Isn’t he married? That is not who I thought it would be.”

I looked up at him, slightly offended and confused, “Who did you think it was?”

“James Neal. And yes, I know you slept with him. He was bragging about it the next day in the locker room,” he looked really annoyed now.

“And you still wanted to go out with me?”

“… We were already going out.”

Oh. He knew about THAT time I slept with him. “Why didn’t you say anything about it if you knew? And what exactly was he bragging about?”

“He said he had a threesome with you and Carli, but he mostly talked about her. And I didn’t say anything to you because I realized it was probably my fault, with that stupid superstition about winning and sex,” he paused, “and because I knew you weren’t ready for a relationship, so I thought maybe one crazy night with James Neal would actually help you, somehow. I put up with way too much with you. And I just realized that you probably slept with Eric when the Canes were up here, and that was after I’d asked you out.”

“But before I’d said yes to you,” I added, then felt really bad about it. “I’m so sorry, I hope you know I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I really cared a lot about you, and I still do.”

“Is that why you’re moving in with Brandon?” He asked acerbically.

“No, it’s because we’re having a child together.”

“You know he’s getting traded,” He said, almost smiling.

“What?” I was shocked.

“Yeah, I don’t know where, but his contract is up and I’ve told Mario that I don’t really think we should keep him.”

I was very surprised that Sid would let personal matters impact his hockey life. That was not like him at all.

“We haven’t planned that far ahead, but I assume I’ll be living near him, or something,” I was starting to get worried. “I should probably go.”

“Yeah. That’s probably a good idea.” Sid said as I started to get into my car. He watched me leave, and I felt really sad. I tried not to cry until I was out of his driveway, I don’t need him (and the paparazzi) to see that.

Having him confront me on all (some of) the bad things I’d done to him made me realize what a terrible person I was. I need to change if I want things to work out between Brandon and I, whatever that is exactly.

I was still crying when I got home.

“What’s wrong?” Brandon asked. “Is everything okay?”

“You’re getting traded,” I sobbed and fell into his arms.

He was quiet for a few minutes. “Oh, again?” He sounded disappointed.

“I don’t know where, but Sid just told me. He said he doesn’t want you here anymore, so he told Mario they should trade you when your contract ends.”

“I have a feeling a couple of the guys don’t want me here either. Unfortunately most of the team knows about what happened, and most of them are on Sid’s side.”

“Oh, so they probably all hate me,” I said trying to bury my face further into his arms.

“No, I don’t think Caeleigh would let Geno hate you,” he said smiling.

I laughed, “No, you’re right. Though I do need to talk to her, I haven’t seen her since I got back.”

“Don’t you two normally watch games together when we’re on the road?”

“Yeah, we used to have sleepovers at Sid’s,” I recalled, suddenly nostalgic for my more carefree days when we painted nails and talked about boys.

I called Caeleigh and she said we had so much to catch up on, so we made plans to watch the game together, at Geno’s. What? Yup, she’s living with Geno now!!!!

And now I get to see his house, in a few minutes actually.


Sincerely,

Emme

P.S.: I feel kind of weird driving the car Sid bought me.
____________________________________________________________________________


May 1, 2014

Dear Diary,

After telling me everything that had happened in Pittsburgh since I had left, Caeleigh bombarded me with questions about the twins, Brandon, Sid, Eric, Carolina, Chicago, and Cam.

Everything I didn’t really want to talk about. But I did, because she’s Caels and she would bother me until I answered her.

By the time I told her everything the game was already into the third period.

“Wait, so you live with Brandon? Are you guys, like, together now?”

“Umm, I’m not really sure what we are,” I replied laughing. “I don’t know what he wants to do with us. I mean, he knows I cheated on my last boyfriend, a lot, so he probably doesn’t want any kind of steady relationship with me. But we’re definitely more than friends, I’m just not sure how much more.”

“And you’re sure he’s getting traded?” She asked looking sad.

“No, but if Sid tells Mario he wants something, he’s probably going to get it. And he might do better on another team, with the Pens he’s always going to be behind Sid and Geno. As long as he doesn’t get traded to some really bad team, or somewhere really cold.”

“Or the Flyers, ewww, could you imagine that?”

“At least we would be close and I could visit. But no, I’m hoping he gets sent somewhere nice. Like California, that’d be warm, and the Kings are a good team. Actually, that’d be really funny because Brandon’s uncle is their coach.”

“That would be strange. But I could visit you in Cali and we’d get tans and be much warmer.”

I laughed, “Do you even tan? You’re so pale.”

“Shut up,” she hit my arm. “Can you still skate?”

“I can, but I can’t really do anything fun.”

“You should come to the ice girls practice tomorrow. The guys will be there too, once they get back from their game.”

“I don’t know, I feel like all the guys hate me.”

“No, they don’t hate you.” She paused to think, “Well, Sid might, and some of the other guys, like Kuni and Flower, are on his side, but I think most of them don’t know exactly what happened. They just know that you’re Brandon’s…whatever.”

“I don’t know, I think I should stay away from Consol for a while. Especially during playoffs.” I paused and laughed, “I’m Brandon’s ‘whatever’ that’s a good way to describe us.”

“You need to talk to him about that,” she said. “Because I think he really likes you.”

“Really? But he knows how much of a slut I was with Sid, why would he want to get involved with me at all?”

“When you weren’t here he was… different. Even before he knew you were pregnant. I think he loves you.”

“What? No, no he doesn’t love me. Why would he do that?” I’m starting to think Caeleigh was just messing with me.

“How do you feel about him?”

“I don’t know. He’s really nice, and stuff. I like him a lot, we’re really good friends….”I hate talking about my feelings. “You really think he loves me?”

“Yes Emme! Why don’t you ask him,” she handed me my phone.

“No, I can’t ask him now, he’s probably buys, and stuff. I’ll talk to him tomorrow when he gets back.”

“Do you promise?”

“Yes, I promise,” I reluctantly replied.

-

As promised, when Brandon returned the next afternoon I was going to ask him about ‘us’.

But he had other plans.

He picked me up and carried me to the bedroom. Laying me gently on the bed, he carefully took off my clothes.

“I’ve missed you so much,” he said getting in next to me.

“You’ve been gone for a day,” I replied laughing.

“No, I mean ever since you left for Chicago, I missed you. And this,” he said as he trailed kisses down my neck. “I read a lot about sex during pregnancy and you’re supposed to do it like this,” he turned me on my side so I was facing away from him, and slowly slid into me.

“Is this okay?” he stopped and asked.

“Yeah, actually, this is really great.” I had never had sex like that before, lying on my side.

Afterwards, I rolled around to face him and rested my head on his chest.

We cuddled for a few minutes, until I remembered what I had promised Caeleigh.

“Brandon?” I craned my neck to look up at him.

“Yes darling,” he said smiling back.

“What are we?” I asked sitting up so I could see him better.

“Well, umm..” He thought about it for a minute.

“Are we like, together?” I asked.

“I guess,” he answered hesitantly.

“Never mind, I shouldn’t have asked you that. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to put you in an awkward position.”

“No, it’s okay, I was hesitant because I didn’t know how you felt and I didn’t want to push you into anything you weren’t ready for.” He replied, looking into my eyes. “I’ve thought about this a lot and I knew we would have to talk about it at some point, I was just avoiding it in case you didn’t feel the same way about me.”

“Maybe I do feel the same way about you, maybe I’ve always felt that way but didn’t realize it until recently.”

He brought his hand up to my face and cradled my cheek, “Emme,” he whispered, “I love you.” He leaned forward and kissed me.

I pulled my face away from his to look him in the eyes, “I love you too. And I’m not just saying that because we’re having a baby,” I smiled and couldn’t help the few tears that escaped the corners of my eyes.

He smiled and carefully wiped them away and kissed me again. “Speaking of that, he needs a name,” he said rubbing my stomach.

“I know, we still have a few months though.”

“Did you talk to Eric at all? He must have had some ideas.”

“He did, and I think we’ve decided to go with Eloise. He’s in love with that name and doesn’t think he’ll ever have another daughter. You can help me pick the middle name.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, she’s kind of your daughter too.”

“Yeah, I guess she is.” He thought for a minute, “I’ve always liked the name Violet.”

“Eloise Violet Sutter.” I said, thinking about it.

“Wait, she’s going to have my last name?” He looked a little scared.

“I don’t know, I just assumed she would. We could hyphenate if you wanted. Sutter-Saxon? Or Saxon-Sutter?”

“No, I just thought because she was Eric’s that she’d be a Staal.”

“Oh.” I hadn’t realized picking their last names would be so hard. “I don’t think Eric wants that, because he’s trying to keep it a secret. Also, I’m not really a fan of hyphenated last names.”

“So they’ll both be Sutters?”

“Yeah, if you’re okay with that,” I laughed and kissed him. “God you're cute when you’re confused.”

-

We still haven’t picked a name for the boy, but I’m leaning towards Theodore (Teddy). I’m not sure about either middle name, but I like Brandon’s suggestion.

We still have a lot of time to decide.

Sincerely,

Emme

Notes

Still trying to pick names if you have any ideas.

Also, I don't know which team to send Brandon to, because the Penguins is the only team I know anything about. So if you have any suggestions let me know!