Redemption of a Puck Slut: Part II

October 14, 2014

Dear Diary,

The last few weeks are a little blurry, but I’ll write what I remember.

Everything really started to go downhill after I found that stupid page from my diary. After a few days I sent it to Smith to be kept with the rest of my diary. I figured it would be safe there.

Sid started to notice I was a little jumpy and spacey, and he thought maybe I was stressed with the twins or depressed, so he insisted I see a therapist.

I only agreed to it because I realized it was probably a good idea to talk to someone about what was going on.

The first session with my doctor (Elaine, she insists on using first names) I told her everything. Several times I made sure that she couldn’t tell Sid (doctor patient confidentiality thing) and she reassured me that she wouldn’t tell anyone.

I saw her a couple of times over the next week, but it wasn’t until a two weeks ago that I finally ‘snapped.’

I made the mistake of going on the Flyers website to look up their schedule. I thought I would try to work out when I could see Brandon next, or when they played the Pens.

To my surprised, they played in Pittsburgh in October after the season opener.

There was something nagging at me while I was reading over their schedule that I couldn’t ignore.

Next to the schedule was a list of the latest news for the Flyers, including their newest acquisition: Brandon.

I didn’t want to see him in that orange jersey, not because I hate the Flyers, but because I knew it was my fault he was there.

But I clicked on it anyway. It was a video of him getting his new jersey and meeting some of the team. They asked him what it was like to get traded twice, and other stupid questions like that.

I lost it about half way through the three minute video. Seeing him in orange, with his name and #16 on the back, was too much for me. And then having to hear him talk about the trade; he sounded so emotionless and empty.

Caeleigh was downstairs with the twins and heard me screaming. She found me on the floor, sobbing, in front of my computer and immediately knew what was wrong when she saw what was on my screen.

She tried to calm me down, but nothing worked, so she called Sid. Sid called Elaine, and she suggested I “go away for a while to a ‘mental relaxation institute’ until I got better,” so that’s where Sid sent me.

I think that’s just a nice way of saying the psych ward, because it looks like a hospital. I am pretty sure I was on some heavy medication for the first few days I was here because there are a few days missing.

Because of this ‘major incident’ as Elaine called it, she felt it was her duty to tell Sid what I was so anxious about.

I really wish I could have been there when she told him, to see his reaction, because by the time I saw him he had calmed down a lot and only seemed concerned about my health.

“Emme,” he said gently, and I rolled over to look at him. He looked worried.

“How are you?” He asked, but I didn’t respond.

“That’s fine, I know you’re going through some stuff,” he sighed and sat down next to my bed. “I need to talk to you about something, are you up to that?”

I nodded.

“Okay. I just want to start off by saying that I’m not mad or angry at you right now.” He looked at me a long time, waiting for that to sink in before he delivered the next blow. “Elaine informed me that you have had a lot of anxiety over the fact that I am not the father of the twins.”

I sat straight up in my bed and looked at him with wide eyes in shock. (How is he not angry?)

“She explained to me how guilty and upset you have felt about this, and how you felt you needed to protect me by hiding it from me. I understand why you would want to do that.”

He was speaking slowly and carefully, and maintained eye contact the whole time. I think Elaine might have coached him a bit on how to talk to me without making me upset.

“But-” I started, but I couldn’t get any more out.

“I have talked to Smith,” my heart sank when he said this, “And he confirmed that you had talked to him about this, and you had not tried to trick me into anything.”

“No, I would never do that,” my voice was shaking. “What else did Smith tell you?”

He took a deep breath. “He told me that Brandon… is actually Annie’s father, and” he shut his eyes for a moment, “and Geno-”

He stopped. His jaw was set hard and I could tell he was trying really hard not to get mad at me.

“I’m sorry,” I choked as I broke down sobbing. “I’m so sorry!” I lay on the bed wailing until a nurse came in and gave me some more medicine. Then things got a little blurry again, and Sid was gone.

I missed the season opener, but I was able to watch it in my room until the nurse said I was getting too upset. I guess seeing Sid and Geno play together for the first time since I found out he was Teddy’s father was too much for me. Especially knowing that Sid knew.

The next person to visit me was, in a way, almost worse that having to confront Sid.

It was Caeleigh. She knew about what had happened with Geno. Maybe not all of the details, but she knew he was Teddy’s dad.

“Caeleigh, I don’t even know what to say to you,” I said as soon as she sat down next to me.

She shook her head, “I know you didn’t do this to hurt me, or because you had feelings for Geno, but it still sucks, and it hurts like hell.”

It was quiet for a while except for the sound of her sniffling, and neither of us talked.

“He’s always wanted a baby,” she laughed unexpectedly and wiped her eyes. “And he’s really taken to Teddy, actually.”

I was shocked. How was she being so civil with me? I had a baby with her boyfriend!

“Why are you not mad at me?”

“I was mad when I first found out last week, but that’s just how you were back then. You slept with how many of Sid’s teammates? I don’t blame you for sleeping with Geno, I, um,” she paused. “I blame him.”

I hadn’t thought about the fact that she might be mad at him because I was too selfishly concerned that she would hate me.

“But you guys weren’t dating then…”

“No, not yet, but still. You were obviously pretty drunk, I mean you didn’t even remember having sex with him. But Geno? I know for a fact he can handle his alcohol pretty well,” she sighed exasperatedly.

“So, are you,” I didn’t want to ask if they’d broken up because of this, but I really wanted to know.

“Are we… still dating?” She asked, and I nodded. “Yes, though I spent a few days at my sisters until I got over this.”

I sighed; I felt a little better knowing they hadn’t broken up because of this.

“But I got over it when I saw him holding his son, the look in his eyes was so… I don’t know.”

I knew exactly what she meant; I’d seen that look in Brandon’s eyes when he held Annie.

I got sad again when I realized Sid had always looked like that around both of the twins, but now that he knew they weren’t his he would probably never look at them the same again.

“Em, Sid still loves them just as much as he did before,” she reassured me, as if she’d read my mind. “Now the twins will have twice as much love because they have two daddies.”

I laughed, “That makes it sound like they’re gay.”

“You know what I mean,” she gave me her usual ‘Emme stop being sassy’ look and I knew things were getting back to normal, for her and I at least.

“Well, they may have two dads, but they still need their mom,” she continued. “A few of the wags have been helping out, but they need you.”

“Do they know about….?” I started to panic again. I didn’t want everyone knowing that Sid wasn’t the father of his children.

She shook her head, “No, they think you have post-partum depression or something.”

“Have you seen Sid much?” I asked apprehensively.

“Yeah, I’ve been at his house a lot to help with the twins and stuff. He seems to be taking it well.” I could tell she was lying, but didn’t want to upset me, so I didn’t ask.

“Has he talked to Brandon at all?”

“Umm, I’m not sure. But I think he called him a couple of days after he found out just to, you know, let him know that he knew, or something.” Again, I could tell she was lying. Sid must be livid with Brandon and probably hated him even more now that he was with the Flyers.

“The Flyers will be here in a couple of days, maybe he’ll stop by,” she said in an attempt to cheer me up.

“Isn’t that how I got into this mess in the first place?”

“Yeah, it kind of is.” She looked down at her purse and fidgeted. We chatted for a bit until she had to leave for skating practice.

-

A few days later, however many it was I’m not sure, the Flyers were in town to play the Pens. I was anxious as fuck that Sid was going to murder Brandon on the ice or something.

I convinced the night nurse I was well enough to watch it, and she said she’d check on my every ten minutes to make sure I hadn’t freaked out and hurt myself.

I had taken only half of the ‘calming pills’ they usually give me because I wanted to stay awake through the entire game, but I knew I would have an anxiety attack before the puck dropped if I didn’t take something.

As I had feared, there was a fight, but it was not between Sid and Brandon. Brandon was now on the second line, so he was facing off against Geno (which was so weird to see!). Less than three minutes into the game, gloves were flying and eventually the two of them ended up on the ice.

The fight ended with both of them heading down the runway to the locker rooms.

The rest of the game was a blur, and I can’t remember who won.

-

Brandon came to visit me sometime after, it might have been the next day, I’m not sure.

“You’re face!” I gasped when I saw the stitches on his forehead and bruises all over his jaw.

“Yeah, Geno’s got a good punch,” he said and flopped down in the chair next to my bed.

“I hope he looks just as bad,” I smirked, and he shrugged, and then it was quiet for a while as we tried to figure out what to say.

“So, Sid knows everything now,” he commented.

“I don’t know how much he knows, he has only visited me once and I had to be medicated after he started to tell me what he knew.”

“He’s only been in to see you once in two weeks?” he looked surprised, but not as surprised as I was.

“It’s been two weeks? I guess I’ve been a little more medicated than I thought,” I replied, trying to recall what day it was.

“So, how do you feel?”

“Are you my shrink now? I’ve already got one of those.”

“No, but really, how do you feel?” he leaned forward and took my hand, something Sid hadn’t even done.

“I don’t know; I’ve been on drugs since I got here. Mostly I’m just waiting for everything to come crashing down around me. Sid will divorce me and take the twins, and I’ll go be a crazy homeless person somewhere.”

He smiled, “If he kicked you out, which he’s not going to, you know you could always stay with me.”

“Oh really? Ginger wouldn’t mind?” I made sure to put extra emphasis on her name.

He closed his eyes for a second, “I forgot about her. No, Ginger was a short term solution to a long term problem.”

That sounded very poetic, until it occurred to me that Ginger might have been a prostitute, or a puck slut (same thing really.)

“So you don’t have a girlfriend yet?” I asked apprehensively.

“No, I’m not really looking for one. After everything I’ve been through, I’ve decided to just focus on hockey for now. Maybe I can get better and get sent somewhere other than Philly.”

“As much as I’d like for you to be playing another team besides the Flyers, I like that you’re close.”

“Yeah, but maybe being farther away would be a good thing.”

I knew exactly what he meant, and it made me really sad. He wanted to be able to forget about me.

And if I want things to work with Sid (if that’s even an option now) I would need to forget about him too. Or at least the fact that I was still in love with him.

-

Sid finally came back to visit me yesterday. He looked tired, worried, concerned, but mostly tired.

He sat down next to my bed, and this time I was awake and alert when he arrived.

“How are you doing? The nurse’s say you’ve improved a lot over the past week,” he looked at me with concerned eyes.

“I am feeling a lot better, after talking with Caeleigh and Brandon-”

“Wait, Brandon was here?” he cut me off, and started to look mad. “I told them not to let him in, he would only upset you.”

“He didn’t upset me, though his face didn’t look too great,” I tried to reassure Sid, but he still looked mad. “Sid, I have so many questions.”

“Like what?”

“Are you going to leave me?” I think my question threw him off because he looked up at me with those sad brown eyes.

It seemed like an eternity passed before he responded, and I could tell he was trying to make up his mind.

He swallowed, and blinked a few times, before taking a deep breath.

“I know it seems like I should be angry with you, and I have every right to divorce you, but that wouldn’t fix anything. Actually,” he shrugged, “it would only make it worse.”

“How could it make it worse? I lied to you about the paternity of our children!”

“Emme, do you not know?” He looked confused.

“Know what?”

“Emme,” he sighed. “You’re pregnant.”

Everything seemed to stop when he said that. My heart stopped beating, the blood froze in my veins, my brain stopped thinking, the world froze on its axis.

I had completely forgotten my insane mission to get pregnant again.

“At least you know it’s yours this time.” That was somehow the first thing to come out of my mouth and I instantly regretted it.

Sid, however, laughed tiredly. “Yeah, I guess I do. I hope you don’t get mad when I ask for a paternity test, though.”

“I’m like an expert on those things now,” I laughed, but it was more of a nervous kind of laugh that gave away the fact that I was desperately trying to remember why I had wanted to get pregnant, but whatever the reason, it had worked. Sid did not appear to hate me, or want to divorce me, so I guess that’s a success, right?

-

I am not exactly sure of the dates that these events happened, but I know today is October 14th because that’s what my phone says, so that’s the date I’m putting on here.

Sincerely,

Emme

P.S.: I hope this medication is not messing with the baby.

Notes

Sid knows, but how much does he know?

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