All of me

DEEP! DEEP!

I instantly get up and shut my alarm clock.

I wake up around 8 the following morning. I reach out across my bed for Reilly and as I turn around he was not in bed. Weird. I sit up and look around, his jacket and clothes were gone from the chair. I had a review session at 10, so I hop in the shower and quickly get dressed.

I decided to call him before heading out. No answer. Let’s try texting him.

'Hey babe! Why did you leave so early? Did you have practice?'

'Morning. No, I had some errands to run'

'Before 8 am?'

'Yeah'

'Oh okay. Will I see you today?'

'I'm pretty busy today, maybe I'll come around tomorrow.'

'Sounds good'

He was clearly trying to avoid me. I know you too well Reilly.

The following days, I didn't receive any texts from him. So much for hanging out. I decided to text him because there was no point in making an phone call anymore. He made no effort, so I decided to give him what he wanted, space. I also knew that the series between Montreal and Boston had begun, he needed to focus on hockey. I got that. I really did.

'Are you free this afternoon? Want to do something?'

'I'm tired right now. It's been a long day. I'll try to stop by tomorrow after practice.'

'Can we do after 5? Because I have work.'

'That works.'

Tomorrow comes. No text or call from him all day. Nothing. I had enough. I practiced what I was going to say to him when I eventually saw him. I had practiced this whole conversation in my head, over and over again. It could go either way and I was preparing for the worst.

The first two games were home and I decided not to attend. The next two were away, and tonight they had game 5 at home. Katie attended all of the home games and was begging me to go with her and so I did. Bruins won 4-2. The boys took the victory tonight for Game 5 with the whole Garden on their feet.

‘Are you going to stick around?’ Katie asked. She knew what was going on with Reilly and I, so she didn’t push it when I said I couldn’t.

‘I don’t think that is a good idea. I’m just going to head out.’

‘Come on! What do you have to do tomorrow? You’re done with finals! One drink!’

‘I guess I can come out for a drink.’

‘Thank you!’

A few of the players went out to a local bar for a little celebration after the big win and Katie and I joined. After 12, I decided it was time for me to go. It was not the same.

‘I’m going to head out.’ I tell Katie

‘You sure you don’t want to stay a little longer? Adam and I will drive you home.’

‘I’m sure. Thank you though! I’m just not in the mood. I’m sorry’ I say

‘I understand. Want me to call you a cab?’

‘No its fine, there is one already on its way. I’ll text you when I get home.’ I say as I give her a hug.

I congratulate the rest of the players and start heading out. As I’m walking towards the cab, I see Reilly and a few of his friends crossing the street and heading to the bar. As I open the cab door, we make eye contact and his smile fades. I hop into the car and head home. I’m glad I left when I did. I needed to get a few things off of my chest and I was not planning on doing it at a bar.

I see Reilly’s texts flash on my phone.

‘Why did you leave?’

‘Not in the mood’

‘Did you come to the game?’

‘Yes’

‘Why didn’t you say anything?

‘Why should I? You haven’t been very chatty lately’

‘Whatever you say Emma’

‘You do realize this is the most we’ve talked in two weeks?’

He doesn’t respond to that text.

‘Enjoy the rest of your night Reilly. You deserve it.’

He was being so distant, I figured I'd give him some space. At the end of the day that is what he wanted.

Boston leading the Series: 3-2

Before the Bruins had to fly out to Canada for Game 6, I had to speak to him. The anticipation was killing me. The following day I decided to try to text him one more time.

'Are you home? Can I come over real quick?'

'Just got home. Give me 30 min because I have to shower.'

'Okay'

I get dressed, get into my car and drive over. The whole drive there, I made a list of things I wanted to say. The closer I got to his door, the closer I was to having a anxiety attack.

My heart was beating out of my chest, I took a few deep breathes, before lightly knocking on his door.

'Hey' He says after he opens the door and kisses me on the cheek. I hadn't seen him in about two weeks. I had missed him so much, all I wanted was to be in his arms. But I couldn't. I couldn't push this off any longer.

I put my purse on the kitchen counter and didn't even bother sitting down.

Just say what you have to say and leave.

'I’ll make this quick since you probably have better things to do.'

He just stares at me with a shocked look in his eyes, waiting.

'Why are you avoiding me Reilly?'

'It's so nice to see you too Emma! I'm great, thanks for asking! You?' He says in a sarcastic tone.

'Cut the crap Reilly. I've has it up to here with your bullshit!' I snapped. Calm down!

'Why are you avoiding me?' I ask again with a calmer tone.

'What the hell has gotten into you? And to answer your question, I'm not avoiding you.'

'Look, I'm sorry. I didn't come here to yell at you, okay? Yes I did. It's that, ever since I mentioned New York, you disappeared. We have barely talked these past few weeks, Reilly.'

'I've been busy.' He says as he tried to walks away. I grab his arm.

'I know you have been busy. I get that but- Please don't walk away from me!' He looks at me, not saying a word.

'You have to talk to me Reilly, please!' As I take a few steps back.

'There is nothing to talk about. I don't know what do you want from me Emma! At the end of the day, it's your decision.' He says as he raises his voice. I was taken back.

'Yes it is and I have made my decision, so why aren't you talking to me? Ignoring the issue does not make it go away babe. I said I am not taking it.'

'I know, I remember.'

'So what’s the problem?'

'So I think you should.' He says as he looks at me.

'What?'

'I'm not going to stand in the way between you and your career Emma. I can't!'

'It's just a stupid rotations Reilly. It's not like its a job offer in freaking California or something. It's a rotation in New York.'

'Look, you want to go. I know you do and you should! Like I said before, I'm not going to stand in your way.'

He was so calm, trying to avoid a argument.

'You don't know what I want.'

'I do.' He says quickly.

'Fine. Let's say I do go, I'll be back in less than a year-'

'And we can just pick up where we left off? It's a year Emma! I'll always be traveling. I mean, we barely see each other as is. You know how complicated my schedule is. When are we going to see each other? Holidays? Long weekends? Oh that's right. There's fucking Skype now. That solves everything.'

'Okay! And that's why I'm not going! I don't want to go.'

'You're going! You have to take the offer Emma. I want you to go.'

'I'm not going, you can't make me. I already called her. I'll just do it here like everyone else.'

'Emma...' He just shakes his head and exhales.

'Why are you making me choose, Reilly? You know that I'll always choose you over everything...' I say in defeat as tears start running down my face. I grab my hair in my fists.

'I know, but if you really love me, you'll go.'

'How is that fair? If you love me, you wouldn't make me choose between the two. We can still make it work, I know we can. We have to make sacrifices for one another. You don't think this relationship is worth fighting for?'

'A lot of things can happen in a year. Long distance relationships don't work Emma! Trust me I know first hand-'

'Is this what it's all about? You're afraid I'll find someone else? Like your last girlfriend? You really don't know me at all, do you?'

'I don't know, maybe I don't.' There was a long pause.

‘Guess not’ I say as he continues,

'Besides, this was never going to work out anyway. Let's be real here.' He says as he sits next to his island in the kitchen.

'What?' I could feel my throat closing on me. This rush of anger came over me.

This is how he really felt? After all this time? After everything we’ve been through?

He didn't say anything.

'Would you care to explain?' I was livid.

'It just wasn't meant to be, all of the stuff that has happened over the past few months, eventually it would caught up to us and somehow ended this relationship.'

'Right. Keep telling yourself that. So all these months meant nothing to you. After everything we have been through, you just thought it would eventually end? You saw no future between us?'

He doesn't say anything, just looked down at the counter.

'I'll take that as a yes.' I whispered

All this anger bottled up inside me, I knew I was going to say something that I would eventually regret.

'Well thanks for clearing that up! That’s it then. I guess one good thing does comes out of this. Now that you're a single man, you can go back to your old ways. I'm sure you won't have any trouble moving on since you have every puck slut in the city lined up and ready to go and fulfill your every need.'

I picked up my purse and was about to turn around when he mumbled something.

'Like you were any different' he said under his breath. I turn around midway. My eyes pierced on him. No expression appearing on his face. Blank. At that moment I realized I didn't know recognize the man standing in front of me.

'What?'

'Nothing.' He says.

'What did you just say?' I shout a little louder. He comes towards me.

'I said like you were any different. What makes you any different from those other girls huh? Nothing! You are all the same!' He said furiously.

I walk up to him and slap him across the face.

'I can't believe you just said that.' I said softly. I take a few steps back. He was silent.

'Who are you?! Because the person I know would never disrespect me like this.'

Silence. Complete silence. He wouldn't even make eye contact with me.

'Thank you for making this so much easier. We’re through.'

'Emms-' he said as he started following me.

'Don't you ever fucking call me that again.' I said as I lift up my index finger.

I searched my bag, quickly pulled out the spare key that he had given to me, and threw it on the kitchen table.

'Asshole!' I say as I slam the door shut behind me.

______________________________________________________________________

He didn't follow me. I didn't think he would after he made it perefectly clear what his feelings about me truly were.

The whole ride home was a blur. I was surprised I wasn't in tears. I was fuming.

'Emma?' Katie calls me as I sprint towards my room.

'Leave me alone!'

'Emma what's wrong?'

I lock myself in my room and turn it upside down. Everything on my study table on the ground, pictures of me and Reilly cracked, books flying everywhere. I sit on the floor beside my bed with my hands grasping my hair as the tears started running down my face.

Katie opens the door with a spare key and stands at the door, observing the damage in my room.

She doesn't say anything, she sits besides me and pulls me into her arms.

‘Shh, it’ll be okay. You’re okay’

'I hate him, I fucking hate him...' That was the moment that everything that I had held inside came rushing out. I had never felt like this before. It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest.

She didn’t say anything, just held me. I'm not sure how long we were sitting here like this. I got a few calls from him and ended up blocking his number on my phone. All I wanted to do was curl into a ball on my bed and let everything out. But knowing Katie, she would not leave my side. I knew if she left my side for one slight minute, I would be a total disaster.

Later on in the night, I decided to make an important phone call. One I should have made long ago.

'Emma! It's so nice to finally hear from you.'

'Hi Professor. I was wondering if that spot is still open?'

'Yes it is. I'm so glad you changed your mind.'

'Me too. It begins Monday right?'

'Correct'

'Great! I'll be there on Saturday.'

'Perfect! See you soon.'

'Thank you professor. Good night.'

_____________________________________________________________

I had told Katie everything. She was shocked, but she understood why I had to do this. She didn't really say anything. She just listened. She had always been the shoulder that I cried on ever since I could remember.

'I'm just going to grab my main things. I'll be back next weekend to grab the rest of my stuff.'

'If you want, I'll take a few days off and drive up with you and help you get settled.'

'Ah! Really? That'd be amazing. Thank you Katie!'

'And next weekend, I'll box some of the things you will need so they’re ready for you.' She says.

'Thank you hun. I'll continue paying the rent since I'm going to be living there for free. I'm sorry that I'm leaving you just like this, out of the blue. I can't believe I won't be seeing your face everyday.' I starting to tear up. I was really going to miss her.

'I'll visit you all the time. You're only 4 hrs away!' She got it. Why couldn't he? She continues,

'Besides it's only a year! You'll be back before you know it.'

I nod and force a smile.

'There she is. I missed that smile! Tell you what, want to pull an all nighter? Like the good old days and spend the rest of the day together tomorrow before you leave Saturday?' She says.

'Absolutely!'

'Its going to be better, trust me'

'I know. Thank you Katie. I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life!’I smile at her.

‘You would do the same for me sis. Ben & Jerry’s?’ she flashes her smile.

I’m very happy with my decision to move to New York. I needed to get away for a bit and focus on my career and most importantly focus on myself. No more drama, complications, and a fresh start. Something that I was in desperately need of.

Notes

Hey! So this just happened...thoughts?! Some might hate me but I had too! I'm sorry! Let me know what you think!

Thanks again for your support! <3

Love,

R