Come Closer

I didn’t say anything to James on the way home from the doctor office.

“Did you want to stop any where to eat?” James asked me pulling onto the freeway.

“No, I’m ok.” I said not looking at him. “I just want to go home.”

“Ok.”

After that we said nothing to each other until we got home.

“I’m pretty tired, I’m going to go have a nap.” I said as soon as we walked in the door.

“Do you want some company?” James said closing the door behind him.

“I just want to be alone for a while.”

“Ok, if you need anything you know where I’ll be.” He said pulling me in for a hug and kissing the top of my head, and of course I started crying again.

“I’m sorry James.” I said between tears.

“Babe, what are you sorry for?” he asked pulling away a little.

“I might not be able to give you children.” There was silence for a few seconds.

“I don’t care how long it takes or how much it costs. We will have children.”

James and I stood in our door way for a good 15 minutes before I decided I needed to go and lay down for a while and clear my head. Even though we aren’t ready to have a family yet I want the feeling of knowing that when we are ready we can just go for it and not have to spend thousands of dollars on IVF, which is now the only option.
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I woke up after having a great nap, I felt better and the headache that I had went away. I went down stairs and saw James talking on the phone to someone.

He mouthed to me that it was him mom that was on the other line.

“She wants to talk to you.” James handed me the phone but not before and gave me a quick kiss.

“Hey, how are you?” I asked her sitting by the kitchen island.

“I’m good, how are you doing? James told me about what happened today at the doctor.” Her voice was quiet.

“I just had a little nap so I’m feeling better, still a little upset about the whole thing though.”

“I was telling James that maybe you should start the IVF process. I mean the doctor said that the older you get the harder it will be to have a baby.” All of a sudden I started to cry. Stop it Meghan.

“I’m not ready to have a baby. I want to get married first.” I said to her.

“I think that you two should just get some information and start the process. You don’t have to get pregnant right away.”

“Yeah, your right. Start with some research and go from there.”

Deborah and I talked on the phone for a while and hung up with what she said to me.

“So…what do you think? James came over wrapped his arms around me and kissed me neck.

“James” I pulled away and turned around to look at him. “I’m not ready to have a baby.”

“Babe the older we get the harder it will be, you heard the doctor.”

“Yes, I heard the doctor. I want to get married and enjoy life with just the two of us before starting a family.” I said.

“You’re the one who told me that you’re getting older and you want to have kids.”

“Of course I want to have kids but I’m not ready for that yet.” Our voices began to get louder. “It’s easy for you; I am the one who has to deal with all this. Do you know how hard it is going to be for me?” James totally backed off me. “Poking myself with needles, having a doctor’s vacuum eggs out of my vagina and the only thing you have to do is go into a room with a dirty magazine and put your little fishes into a container.”

“It hurts me to Meghan; I want to have children just as much as you do. I don’t want to be 40 and it be just us because you are in competent.”

“Excuse me…what did you say?” I said. “I’m in competent?” That stung a little. “I am not going to take this shit from you. It hurts me that I can’t have children, and the only thing that will give us a chance is that procedure, and you know what if you want to leave me now would be the perfect time.” I said to him pacing around the living room.

“Why are you saying this, I am not leaving you. This isn’t all about you Meghan. I want to have children with you, can we just make an appointment with the specialist and see what our options are.” He said moving closer to me. “We don’t have to do it yet, just see what’s out there.”

“I don’t know James; I need some time to think about this. I’m just going to go for a drive and be by myself for a while.” I went over and hugged him.

I grabbed my purse and walked out the door.
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After driving around for a while I decided to go to Giselle’s house and tell her what happened, maybe she can give me some advice.

I pulled up to her house and saw that the lights were on so I knew someone was home.

I walked up to the front door and just as I was about to knock Giselle came storming out of the house with a suitcase in her hand.

“Meghan, what are you doing here.” She said clearly in a rage.

I knew exactly what happened.

“James and I got into a fight and I wanted to come and see you.”

She slammed the door behind her and walked right passed me to her car. Just as she opened the door she said it to me, the words that I thought I would never hear.

“Brandon cheated on me and it’s all your fault.”

Notes