Chapter 41

It wasn't right, anymore. The feeling of his chest under her hands, and the warmth of his breath on her neck as he kissed her again. It was all wrong. The words trickled through her mind, slowly, like rain down a roof, waiting to sink in to the ground. It wasn't right anymore. The words kept going, down through spinal cord, her nerves, into her arms and finally her hands. She pushed against his chest. She kept pushing, until he was standing an arm's length away, looking at her questioningly. She held him there as the words climbed back up through her throat and out her mouth, “This is wrong.” He was shaking his head. Her hands closed into fists now, clenching tight against her sides. She pried them open and used them to button her blazer. Then pointed at him.
“I don't fuck other girl's boyfriends.” Elia said, continuing to walk up the stairs. She turned around. “I see you so plainly now. And I am hooking up with someone. He's a top 10 draft pick, and does me better than you ever did. My game just goes up from here.” There were a lot of lies swirling around right now but Brad didn't need to know that. She kept on walking away, the sound of her heels echoing through the stairwell. Brad didn't know what to say, so he said nothing. He stood in the stairs for a long time, trying to figure out how to stop wanting two things at once.

For the first time, Elia actually felt like it was over. Maybe it as seeing him with her, right there in front of her. Maybe it was just the fact that he was the kind of guy that could cheat on a girl and then bring the new one around in front of her with no remorse. It was selfish and it was disrespectful. Or that he was the kind of guy who would be friends with guys like Tyler Seguin. Whatever it was, it was done. She spent the rest of the night trying to let loose. By the time she had gotten back to the guests, most people had started dancing or socializing and mixing with other tables. She hit the dance floor with Derek Jeter for a while, catching up on the baseball world she been neglecting. It was an exhausting several hours of dancing with various people, making sure to talk to everyone again before the night was over. Trying to bite her tongue whenever she saw Brad and Katrina. Elia was trying to maintain a certain politeness as a host of the event. She couldn't control her guests though, and secretly delighted in the fact that Byrdie Bell had told Katrina, “Kim K wore that dress better. And she's like a professional whore.”
The event was hailed a success, financially, socially, and by the number of athletes that registered for brain donation. Back in Toronto Elia celebrated her own success. She was done with Brad.
“100% DUNZO,” she said to Elisha as they watched the Leafs play the Canucks.
“Congratulations.”
“What a tool. He thinks he can just touch this?” Elia said, tracing her index finger in a circle over her whole body.
“Can't touch this.” Elisha agreed. “Has minute man tried to touch that again?”
“Ssshh! Don't—you can't just call him that, he's right there!” Elia whispered, pointing across the ice to the Leafs bench. Elisha rolled her eyes, shoving a piece of concession stand sushi into her mouth, “It's not like he can hear me from up here!” Elia grimaced at the thought of eating sushi from a hockey arena.
“Did you tell Dion?”
“No,”
“You can't tell anyone.”
“You've told like twenty people.”
“I told two people. Three people if you consider my assistant a person. Four if you count that time I got really drunk and went on Omegle. But only you and Kalah know his name!”
“Tell him to meet you after the game!”
Elia shook her head. For starters, he needed to step up if he wanted to get some. And secondly, “I already told Lu I'd go to Tim Horton's with him after the game.” Elia dreamed of a day when Luongo would be traded from the Canucks and she could be legitimate friends with him, but until then they could meet at Tim Horton's. Nothing said frenemy-zoned better than Tim Horton's. Elia had also grown very fond of the reasonably priced panini selection.
The girls tried to cheer the Leafs on but they lost, badly, scoring only twice against Vancouver and allowing six. It was the tenth game against the Canucks that the Leafs lost. They took their last beers down to the locker room to say hi to the guys. The Leafs had just finished their post game talk when Elisha and Elina arrived. It was a somber mood.
“Nice goal Dion,” Elia said. “Kessel, really impressed how you carried the puck all the way through those Canucks for that assist.” The guys gave her a fist pound. She looked across the room at Kadri. He he was looking back at her. She smiled at him. “Alright I'm going to head out of here, I want to go accuse Kesler of photoshopping his Sports Illustrated pictures.” A few of the guys smiled, but none were in the laughing mood. She said goodbye to Elisha and walked back into the hallway. Elia was more familiar with the visitors' locker room and found her way easily. Many of the Canucks hated Elia, and she hated them back, in the friendliest way you can hate someone. As soon as she walked in someone had to yell at her.
“Oh look, a rat fucker!”
Alex Burrows.
“Go pull some hair dick face. Oh wait, you don't do that anymore, you bite.” Elia shot back.
“Too bad the Hawks are on such a skid this year, would love to knock them out of the post season again.”
“I know, you guys love being second place. I'd--”
“Alright, Downs, you wait outside,” their coach, Alain Vigneault, interrupted.
“Are you serious?” Elia asked, surprised. They were just having fun. He pointed to the door. Elia walked back into the hallway. There was a security guard and a small camera crew outside with the sports journalist Hugh Burrill. She sat down against the wall. There wasn't enough cell signal to play any games or load twitter. She stood up and opened the door a little, “Hey do y'all at least have a soccer ball or anything in there I can play with?” One of the Sedins tossed her a ball.
It was almost an hour before the guys started coming out of the locker room. Elia, the cameraman, and the security guard had gone 105 touches without letting the ball fall to the floor. They kept passing and counting as the players started to file out. The ball came to Elia and Kesler tried to push her out of the way. She pivoted around and tapped with her heel. It went back towards the security guard but was too far off and he missed it.
“Thanks, jerk,” she said as she tried to shove Kesler. He stood firm, not budging an inch, just laughing at her. Roberto walked over to Elia.
“Hey where are you going?” Kevin Bieksa asked.
“Tim Horton's on Front St,” Luongo replied.
“Oh cool can I come?” Bieksa asked.
“No, nobody else! It's bad enough to be seen in public with one of you!” She yelled. The guys kept shouting things as Elia walked away down the hall with Luongo. It was only a fifteen minute walk to the coffee shop so they headed out on foot.
In many ways, Toronto reminded Elia of Chicago. The beautiful skyline along the cold fresh waters of the lake. But Lake Ontario was not her lake, and the peeks of the skyscrapers were in all the wrong places. The city came right up against the water, there was no Lake Shore Drive or buffer of parks and beaches. On clear nights you could see the flickering of lights all the way across the water in New York. There was no pretending this was the end of the world. They talked about Toronto, Chicago, Vancouver and Montreal as they walked to the Tim Horton's. It was a recurring theme amongst hockey players, Elia had learned. They all had homes but not in the way most people did. As kids and teenagers they all started traveling and playing in leagues around the country. They had to get used to the idea of nothing being permanent. Lu was with the Panthers for five years, and now he was going on six with Vancouver. He was born in Montreal, his parents lived there. But his wife and her family were from Florida. That was what he considered home.
“That's one thing I don't understand, you say you would never date a guy from your own team, but you also don't want to leave home?” Lu said as they entered the shop.
“And have a bad break up and not be able to stand going to Hawks games anymore? And on top of that get in trouble with Quennville? No thanks.”
Elia ordered a latte and a grilled cheese, Lu got a chicken ranch wrap and a coffee. They waited quietly for their orders, then sat down at a small table.
“I personally think you should date a goalie anyway, and Chicago doesn't have any good ones.”
“I'm not going to not agree with you.” Elia said slowly. Roberto laughed, thinking he might have understood what she meant.
“Vancouver has a pretty good one playing for the Wolves right now, maybe you would want to--”
“--not getting set up with a Vancouver prospect,” Elia cut him off, shaking her head. Like she needed any more problems. “Berto, I may be a slow learner, as some assholes, maybe named Toews, like to say, but I have learned my lesson. Hockey players are for banging, not for dating. That's why god gave them such ripped bodies, but not very high IQ's.”
Luongo wasn't listening to her. He was showing her a picture on his phone.
“Does this guy know you just have pictures of him shirtless on your phone?”
“Despite how this might look I am trying to be serious,” he insisted.
“Alright, show me some pictures of the babies, how big are they getting?” Elia asked.

Lu had two young children that he loved to talk about. His wife, his kids, his family was everything. Elia wondered if she would ever have that. If it would ever be something she could even imagine. She had never had a normal family, and the whole concept seemed so out of reach. Patrick was like family to her, but one day he would get married, maybe to Amanda, and start a family of his own. He would belong to someone else then.
They finished their snacks and coffees and Luongo had to head back to his hotel. Elia promised to stop by for a visit in Tampa over the summer. Hopefully she wouldn't have to see the Canucks in the playoffs again.
During her lunch break on set the next day Elia got a text from Elisha. She and Dion were going paint-balling later with some of the Leafs and were inviting her along. Nazem would be there. Elia really needed to buckle down and finish putting together the movie she had filmed before she left, but the offer was too tempting. She got the details from Elisha and told her to meet at her apartment before they left. They should coordinate outfits.
The girls showed up to the paint ball field wearing matching white jump suits that Elia had taken from the set of her movie. Underneath they had light-weight thermal pants. Dion, Bozak, Lupul, and Kessel were already there.
“What the hell are you wearing? You look like Padme from Star Wars.” Bozak said.
“What the hell are you wearing?” Elia replied.
“Camouflage, obviously.” Nazem replied.
“You know camouflage doesn't help when everything is covered in snow, right?” She asked.
The guys looked around at each other. They were right. Their clothes stood out against the snow while the girls blended in.
“We call Kessel.” Elisha said before anyone could speak again.
“'MERICA” Elia yelled, putting up her fist for a pound as he walked over to stand with them. Bozak started to object.
“Oh come on Bozie you all already live together, give him to us!” Cuthbert argued back. Elia was the only one that didn't have her own gear, so she walked with Dion to get set up while the other guys argued about teams.
When they finally walked out to the field Elia was dumbfounded. This wasn't a yard with a few structures here and there, it looked like a set modeled after Call of Duty. There was a main sort of roadway cutting between two rows of buildings. It was almost like a European city. The road was littered with piles of boxes and other debris that could be hidden behind. The teams huddled together to talk strategy. Phil had been there a dozen times, and Elisha had gone a couple times with the guys. They tried to guess what the other team's strategy would be. Cuthbert knew that Dion preferred to run to the back and take the fortress which had fencing down in front. There was a second floor building about halfway up on the right that was short enough to jump out of, and had two ground level exits. Kessel thought they should make for that first. A loud horn blew, and the teams both scattered. Phil picked up a board to use as a shield and ran forward, Elisha running behind him. Elia covered them from behind. The guys were easy to see in their clothes, but running through the snow was difficult. About halfway to the target building she slipped on some snow and hit the ground.
Paint splattered around her as she rolled into a doorway. She yelled towards Cuthy and Kessel to keep going. She would find a way to catch up. There was a lot of shouting and paint fire happening outside, so Elia slipped through a side door and into the next building. It connected to another before she took a door to a back alley. Unfortunately it led to a dead end. Quietly she crept back towards the entrance, hoping to find another way around. It looked like there was a bridge along the top of the buildings, if she could find one with stairs up. Looking around a doorway into a room she saw Bozie and opened fire. He ran out the front and disappeared. She entered the room to clear it, and didn't find anyone else, but she did find the stairs. She took one last peek out the front door to make sure Bozak was gone before heading up the stairs slowly and quietly. At the top of the stairs was a door. She kicked it open and fell flat against the wall, taking quick looks in. It appeared to be empty. She walked in, shutting the door to make sure nobody was behind it. Like she had hoped, there was a back door in the room leading out to the narrow bridge walk way. It would be a risk, with no cover as she traversed the passage, but it was better than the ground level.
She stepped out onto the ledge and started running towards the end, slowing briefly to check in doorways in the other buildings. Just as she started to pick up speed Dion appeared at the end of the walk. She fired off a few paint balls then dove in through a window. Dion ducked, then gave chase. The room Elia had run into had no stairwell down. She ran to the front window and looked down. There was a pipe running down the side of the building. Without thinking she looped her arm through the gun strap, swung out, held on and slid down. Dion was at the window now, trying to get a clear shot without hitting her in the head. She jumped the rest of the way and scrambled for cover behind a wooden box. She looked to right, then left. Elisha was yelling to her now, telling her to head to the building straight ahead. They were keeping Dion in the building by firing every time he stuck his head out. Elia got her feet under her and ran forward. She jumped into the door just as a paint ball hit her in the leg. It stung, worse than she had anticipated, and she gave a little yelp. Behind the doorway she leaned back out slightly and fired at Dion. He pulled back into the window. She waited, but he must have been heading back out the way he had gone in.
Elia stayed still for a moment, catching her breath and listening. Elisha and Kessel were quiet now. Either they didn't know where she was or they were under attack too. The structure she was in had a back door and a side door. No way up. Then she noticed something. A small crack in the ground. She shuffled over, knelt down and pulled up. A doorway opened. It was some scary shit. It was fun to be scared. She stepped into the descending stairway and carefully closed the door behind her. This was a stupid idea, it was completely dark. She fumbled with the scope on her gun, hoping there would be a flashlight. There wasn't. But she suddenly remembered she had a cell phone. Duh. Pulling it out she lit her way. The steps didn't go far, and they led to a small passage way that seemed to go away from the main entrance. When she came to a path leading to the right it started to get too frightening. She hoped it would lead closer to where Elisha and Phil were and took it. Unfortunately, it veered left after a while. It kept going, until it reached a set of small steps. She turned off her phone and listened. At the top of the steps was another door. She took a deep breath and pushed it open fast, raising her gun and looking around.
It was an empty room with one passage way into another room. She lowered the door back to the ground and walked on. The next room had windows out to the main road, and a door way out the back. She was at the far end of the compound. Maybe she should go back downstairs and double back? She quickly went to check the back exit before leaving someone rushed in from the back alley, pointing their gun at her. It was Nazem. He pulled off his goggles but didn't lower his gun. Elia back up, hitting the wall behind her. She pulled her gun and Naz grabbed the end of it, walking towards her. He pushed it back against the wall, and leaned down, dropping his gun and kissing her hard. She dropped her gun and kissed him back. They paused briefly as Elia pulled off her goggles and her helmet. Both guns were on the ground now, and the pair were bumping up against each others protective vests.
“I've had you on my mind for weeks,” Kadri whispered.
“Then why didn't you call me,” Elia said, kissing him again.
“I was embarrassed to be honest.”
“What are you now?”
“Uhhh...” he tried to think of something to say but couldn't. He ran his hands down her backside, grabbing her ass, then slid one of his hands around to the front. She felt his hand between her legs. “Oh my god...Come over to my place after this?” she said. “Yeah, I'm going to come over,” he said, putting his mouth up to her ear, “I'm going to come all over you, later. I'm going to...to...” “What are you going to do?” Elia asked. “I'm going to fuck you so---” he never got to finish what he was saying, paint ball fire erupted just outside the door.
The rest of the game was hard to concentrate on. By the end of the two hours, it was difficult to tell who had won and who had lost. Elisha was the least painted of everyone so their team was declared victorious. Everyone wanted to go out for some food and a drink afterward, and Elia didn't see how both she and Nazem could both decline without it looking a little suspicious.
It was late by the time they finally got back to Elia's apartment, but they stayed up for another half hour. The sex was hot and hard, for a full fifteen minutes. And in the morning, Kadri wasn't nervous at all. They lay in her bed after, drinking some coffee and watching TSN.
“This is just sex, you know that, right? No getting to know each other, or anything like that. There exists no universe where we will ever date. Comprende?” Elia said.
“What is comprende?” Naz asked, looking confused.
Elia laughed. “Technically a french word, don't you know french up here?”
Naz just laughed, “You know french?”
She nodded, staring at him in disbelief, “Don't you have to learn french in school?”
“Yeah, we learned algebra in school too, doesn't mean I can do that.”

Elia checked her phone. It was almost 5:30. She needed to start getting ready to leave. Pushing the covers away she stood up out of bed and stretched. Kadri changed the channel to put on a Kardashian show. “Disick has such sick style!” he said cheerfully. This guy was something else.

“You're like...What ethnicity are you?”
“I thought we weren't going to get to know each other?”
Elia rolled her eyes at him.
“My parents are from Lebanon.”
“Lebanese, really? Ok, you're like the lebanese version of euro trash, whatever that would be”
“What is eurotrash?”
“Did you grow up without the internet?”

She took a quick shower and got dressed. Naz was still watching reality television when she had finished. He asked her if she was coming to the game after work, but she was going to the Hoxton where Kanye and Drake were going to perform. She paused momentarily.

“Why don't you just stay here instead of your hotel? Just take my extra key. I would guess this is more comfortable than whatever hotel you are staying at. I probably won't be back until two or three though, just so you know.”

They didn't wrap on set until almost 8:00 p.m that night. Elia grabbed a sandwich from craft services and ate it in her trailer. She lay down to take a quick nap and didn't wake up until ten. She looked through her fridge, hoping to find something to give her a quick boost. There was a half empty two liter of Dr. Pepper so she poured a glass and grabbed some rum out of the cabinets beside it. She rummaged around for some clothes and found didn't find anything but shoes. There was some makeup in the bathroom so she fixed the smudged eyeliner that had rubbed down the side of her face and reapplied some mascara. The production set was still going when she stepped outside, filming some scenes with other actors. She called a cab and took the short ride to the night club. It was a large red brick building, that looked like it might've been a factory at one time. There was a long line of people standing bundled in coats stretching down the side and around the corner. The cab pulled up to the front doors and Elia got out. She didn't look very glamorous in her dark jeans and black Calvin Klein trench, but they knew her at the door and let her in.
The inside of the club was small and simple, white walls and a black ceiling with exposed conduits running every direction. There was a small section of tables to the left of the stage, and she saw some of Kanye's crew and some OVO guys at one. She made her way through the crowd, keeping her head down to avoid being recognized.
“Hey Ryan,” she said to Drake's cousin Ryan Silverstein as she got to the table. He stood up to give her a hug and then moved in to let her sit down. She recognized Oliver, OB, Niko from Drake's entourage, and Deadstock Dan and Taz from G.O.O.D. Music. Drizzy and Yeezy were backstage with Chubbs and Noah and the rest of the crew. They were watching the opening act perform right now, getting some drinks going and doing their thing. Silverstein poured her a drink and the night was started. Drake and Kanye didn't perform for another forty minutes. Ye only did a few songs with Drake, then joined them at the table for drinks, sitting next to Elia. They had a private room backstage, but what was the fun of drinking where nobody could see you do it? After midnight Drake finally made his way over to the table. Several of the guys had to get up and stand to make room for him and some girls that came with him. There was a hierarchy in rap entourages that Elia didn't quite understand. Rappers were always accompanied by a strange atmosphere of intensity that Elia didn't like. It was like they were waiting for something to happen, always on edge. They could never just chill, and always had to be exuding ultimate confidence.
Elia didn't know how they could sustain it all the time. Probably drugs. She had lost count of how many drinks she had had, but poured herself another glass of champagne from the table. She leaned back from the table, reclining into the corner of their booth with Kanye.
“This is it,” she said to him. He nodded, “Go to so many fuckin' parties I don't even know what day it is anymore, like I haven't seen the sun in a week.”
“Rough month?” she asked. He nodded again. “You ever had one of those months where the only time you see the sun is from the sky while your heading to the next damn place?”
“This is the life though, right? Livin' the dream. Fuckin' hot bitches, drinking expensive liquor, VIPs at all the clubs.”
“Having multiple accountants just to make sure the other one isn't fucking you. El, I've got this shit figured out now though. You know, Jay got it right. You find that one person, start your own family, then you've always got someone.”
“Yeah, tell your boy Drizzy over there to stop trifling with that ratchet hoe Rihanna, I'd get started on that family thing tonight.”
“I was bein' serious. The hell are you all on Drake for anyway?”
Elia stared at him incredulous.
“I know you wouldn't last for one reason: Drake loves college ball,” West said matter-of-factly.
She cringed. College basketball, damn. The noises, the student bands. It was like nails on a chalkboard to her. It was an obstacle certainly, but not an insurmountable one in Elia's opinion.
“You and I, we're lions. Fucking kings of the jungle. But lions aren't meant to fly solo. Ain't no way to be El. I'm gone find myself a lioness.” I almost had that once, Elia thought. Things got pretty hazy from that point on, and Elia started losing track of time. She remembered Kanye talking about being a lion for a long time, and before she even realized it she was back in her apartment, laying down next to Nazem.

The next weekend Elia flew back to Chicago. She was off work, and the Blackhawks were going to be heading home from their long road trip. It hadn't gone very well for them, but it looked like they had finally broken their losing streak. Elia had tried to keep in touch with the guys but the past couple weeks had been tough. She had been so busy, and they were traveling on the west coast. As soon as she was done working Friday night she left for home. The girls wanted her to hang out with them in the Blackhawks family suite, but the 300 guys had invited her out for the game too. She got a text from Abby when her flight landed that she had gotten a babysitter for the night so Elia had better show up.
It was part way through the first period when Elia finally arrived at the Blackhawks suite. The reception she received when she walked in was overwhelming. All the WAGs were there, and they swarmed her with questions about rumors and gossip. Why was she hanging out with Elisha Cuthbert, she was so scandalous? Who was she hooking up with in Toronto, was it one of the Maple Leafs? Was she hooking up with Drake? Was it true that she had been engaged before?
“Whoa, whoa, can you not all talk at the same time. What is the score of the game? Wait, Elina what did you say?” Elia asked, astounded.
“It was 0-0, but St. Louis just scored,” Chaunette responded, pointing out to the ice. Elia was still staring at Elina.
“You dated Joaquin Phoenix for four years, is it true?” Elina asked.
“Who told you that?” Elia asked. Everyone had stopped talking.
“Victoria,” Elina said, “She told me you had a house together on Mulholland Drive, and he lived in Hyde Park while you were at University of Chicago, and--”
“--Okay stop. Just stop talking for a second.” Elia said. She wanted to tell her that it was none of her business, but wasn't sure what the repercussions would be if she pissed off one of the queen bee WAGs. If she answered her, there would just be follow up questions. There were always more questions. Maybe she could just leave?
“Yeah, I had a long term relationship with Joaquin Phoenix.” she paused. Everyone was always staring at her. “The first time I met him I think I was like 17, and we really had this connection, but I was dating Hayden Christiansen. Then we met again a couple years later when I was in my sophomore year at school and had just gotten clean. My buddy Colin Farrell was quitting drinking, and I went with him to this support group thing, and Quin was there. I wasn't really into drinking back then anyway so we just started hanging out and then it turned romantic, and it was kind of on and off for a while, and then we got really serious. He proposed when I graduated college, I said yes. And then about a year later we broke up. I was completely and utterly devastated and I don't want to talk about. If you try to bring it up again I will leave.”
Everyone was still silent, and Elia walked out to the seats that looked out over the arena. She sat down and tried to focus on the game. That part of her life had seemed so far away. Over time she had come to terms with it, and now she could hardly imagine what her life would have been if she had kept down that path. Abby, Amanda G. and Chaunette came out and sat down next to her.
“Sorry El,” Abby said.
“It's fine.”
First intermission was starting. Chaunette, Amanda and Abby were talking to each other about a charity event they had done last week, but Elia wasn't listening. Her mind was in the past, reliving old memories. She and Joaquin had been two of a kind. But she had come to realize that wasn't always a good thing. They both lived too much in their own minds, were too impulsive, passionate and reckless. When two people share the same strengths and the same weaknesses there can never be a balance. It was untenable. The best kind of union was one where people complemented each other, pushed each other to be better.
“I'm actually really happy with the way things are now,” she said out loud suddenly. Abby and Chaunette both looked at her.
“Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you. That was weird. I did have a rebound in Toronto by the way.”
The three of them talked happily through the rest of intermission and into the second period. They talked about baby Maddy, and Chaunette getting an apartment in the city. Elina and the other women came out during the second period after hearing the threesome laughing. Elia wasn't mad at anyone, so long as she didn't have to be the center of the gossip.
Neither team scored in the second period, but the Blackhawks came back hard in the third. Duncan, Bolland and Hossa all scored. John Scott got in a fight, which was his version of scoring. The Blackhawks won 3-1. It was their third win in a row. They were on the right path.
After the game the guys wanted to go to Underground. Abby made Sharpie go home with her to relieve the babysitter, but Elina, Elia, both Amandas, Dayna and Chaunette headed to the club. They were there for about an hour when the guys showed up. Kaner hugged Elia so hard she thought she was going to suffocate. She got a hug from Bolly and a high five from Duncan. Jon leaned down to give her a hug too, holding her tenderly, “Missed you,” he said to her, close enough that nobody else could hear. “Missed you too,” she said, looking up at his familiar deep brown eyes. Something about it made her feel butterflies in her stomach. It must have been the shot of Goldschlager she had just done. The group hung out for a couple hours before Jon made everyone go home. They still had practice tomorrow, and it was going to be a hard one he said. Elia, Pat, Amanda and Jon started to make the usual walk back towards Kaner's condo, where Elia and Jon would get taxis home. It had started snowing during the game, and the sidewalks were covered in a layer of white. Elia's heels didn't get much traction, and she was holding on to Jon's arm as they walked behind Kane and Amanda.
“Are we still hanging out tomorrow?” Jon asked, turning his head to look at her.
“Oooohhh....” Elia looked at him apologetically. “I know I said we would get breakfast and do a light run, but there is something I need to do in the morning. I'm sorry. We can hang out after practice though?”
Jon looked back straight ahead, nodding silently.
“I'm sorry. There is just something I have to do in the morning, I couldn't find another time to do it,” she hesitated before blurting out, “I have to go to Indiana to see my dad.”
Jon stopped walking and turned to look at her.
“I'm coming with you.”
“You know my dad is in a correctional facility?”
“Didn't forget that part.”
Elia looked up at him, still holding his arm, “I wasn't going to. But I can't keep running from it. I need to let go. I need to let go of this anger that I keep holding on to. I can't ask you to come with me.”
“You didn't ask. I told you I was going.”
He didn't look away from her, and they didn't say anymore about it. They didn't need to.

The next morning Elia picked Jon up in her Tesla with a two cups of coffee, two smoothies from Protein Bar, McDonald's hash browns for her, and a yogurt parfait for Jon. She was in a cheery mood, making jokes and chatting idly about filming with Tom. Elia knew Jon knew she wasn't really feeling cheerful, it was something she did when she was nervous. He put his arm across the back of her seat and rested his hand on the back of her neck, letting her talk on. They were heading to the Westville Correctional Facility, just outside Valparaiso in Indiana. This early on a Saturday morning there was hardly any traffic, and they were passing Gary after just a half an hour. Elia had quieted down then, and was trying to find a good song on the radio. She stopped at a station that was playing Name by Goo Goo Dolls.
“Oh my god this was my favorite song in like 5th grade. Oh my god you were in like 2nd or 3rd grade, you probably didn't even understand this.” Elia said.
“Oh I know this song, everyone knows this song. This is classic 90's music.” Jon replied adamantly. He started singing “We don't belong to no one that's a shame, but you could hide beside me, maybe for a while, SEE I know this song.” Jon said. Elia started laughing. He kept going, purposefully sounding dramatic, “And scars are souvenirs you never lose. The past is never far, did you lose yourself somewhere out there? Did you get to be a star?”
“Please stop,” Elia said, laughing.
“Sing it with me!”
“No!”
“This was your favorite song!”
“Fine!”
“I think about you all the time, but I don't need the same, it's lonely where you are, come back down, and I won't tell 'em your naaaaammmmmmeeeeee!”

They were both laughing at the end, until Elia became really quiet. She started to frown, and her face crinkled up like she was trying not to cry. Tears started falling from her eyes.
“Do you want to pull over?” Jon asked. Elia nodded, quietly, pulling over. They were on a rural high way somewhere between Valparaiso and Westville. Elia stopped the car, got out and walked off the road into the grass. It was soaking wet, and cold from melting snow. She sat down and started crying. Jon knelt down behind her, wrapping his arms around her. She held on to his arms with her hands, putting her head down on them.
“I'm a terrible person. My dad ruined a family when he drove drunk. And I am ashamed of it. But I hate him for ruining my family, and we're all still alive. I'm selfish just like he says.” Elia said between cries.
“That doesn't make you bad or selfish.”
They sat that way for a while, until Elia slowly stopped. Jon offered to drive and they got back in the car.
“You haven't spoken to him this entire time?” he asked as he started driving. She shook her head.
“The last time I saw him, he was in a holding facility awaiting trial. He wanted me to bail him out, he wanted me to get him a better lawyer, to call my political connections and get him off. I said I wouldn't. I had pleaded with him so many times to go to rehab, or at least let me hire him a private driver, and he had refused. I wasn't going to help him get out of it. He called me a spoiled, selfish bitch, and said I was ungrateful for everything he had done for me. I just walked away. I was done fighting. I'd been fightin' him my whole life.”
“Why?”
“Besides the fact he was a belligerent drunk all the time?” She looked out the car window. “He started blaming me for our family's money problems when my mom started taking me to riding lessons. My mom wanted him to quit drinking and stop spending so much on booze, and he would yell at me that I was costing the family too much money. That's probably when it started to get real bad between us.”
“He made you quit riding lessons?”
“No, no I didn't quit. I started working at the barn on weekends to earn riding time. He was always picking fights with me about all sorts of things. I think he took out his resentment with my mom on me. Now I think that. But when I was just a kid...I thought I had done something wrong. Whatever it was, he was never like a father figure to me. There was no love, just animosity.”
“Do you think you can forgive him? If he really wants to change?”
“I've thought about it a lot. But I'm not big enough to forgive him if he doesn't apologize first. And I don't think he will. I ain't never heard the man say the word sorry.”
Jon didn't ask anymore questions, but he reached over and took Elia's hand in his. She was grateful he had volunteered to come. She didn't know how she could do it without him. The rest of the drive they sat silently, listening to the radio. They arrived at the prison and were let through a set of double gates and a road that led in to the main entrance. It actually looked nice, as far as prisons go. A large fence surrounded the compound, but inside were lawns of grass and even a baseball field. They parked and entered the building. Inside everything was grey and illuminated by artificial fluorescent lights.
“I'm here to see Jim, uh James, Downing,” Elia said at the front window just inside the door.
She had scheduled the visit, so the guards knew she would be there, but her presence still raised a lot of eyebrows. What was Elia Downs doing in a correctional facility in Indiana? They were sent through metal detectors, patted down, and led down a hallway, through a double set of locked doors, and into a small room at the end of another hallway. There was a small table, and Elia and Jon sat on one side. Her father was led in a few minutes later. He was smaller than she remembered, thinned. His hair was starting to grey. It had been six long years. They had laid lines in his face. She felt a stab of guilt, incarceration had not been kind to him. But she had been imprisoned too, and now they were both being freed. He sat down on the other side of the table, his hands cuffed. They stared at each other.
“I'm so glad you decided to come.” he said, the words rolling out in his old southern drawl.
She didn't say anything. She couldn't find any words. His voice was like poison to her ears.
“I'm...Jonathan,” Jon introduced himself awkwardly.
“Yer boyfriend?” Jim asked Elia.
“That's not what we are here to talk about.” she said, finding a strength in her voice.
“You know, the guys in here don't believe me when I tell them you're my daughter. They ask why I'm in here if you're my daughter.”
Elia thought he was going to keep talking, but he didn't say anything else.
“Do you know why you're in here?” she asked.
“I made a lot of mistakes. I don't want you to make the same mistakes. The Lord has a plan for all of us though, and this was part of my plan. From now on, I'm not going to make those mistakes.”
Jon knew that wasn't what Elia was hoping to hear. He put his hand on her back, reminding her he was there. He could hold her up with just one hand.
“That's it? That's all you have to say?” Elia asked, her blood starting to boil. Jim just smiled. “I love you Jelly Belly, what else can I say? It's going to be different now, you'll see.” He kept on talking, spewing rhetoric of a future that may or may not exist. One where he was involved with the kids lives. He didn't even know how old any of them were, or seem to realize that Elia and Brian were both graduated from college.
Elia was staring at him hard, thinking. She didn't know how to form words anymore, and just shook her head. Just words. He always had words. Words that never meant a damn thing.
Jim noticed Elia shaking her head, and looked at Jon now, “This one has always had a problem with respect and authority.”
“How could I respect you? I came here looking for something. But I'm never going to find it. I had to grow up learnin' how to live without a dad, and now you think I owe it to you to give you a chance to be that? It's too late. I don't need you. I don't want you in my life. I don't want you living around my brothers or my mom.” She looked over at Jon, meeting his eyes for a moment before looking down. She pulled a folder out of her purse, tossing it over to him. Inside were several houses for sale, all in Florida.
“I'm going to give you the same thing you gave me. A roof over your head. And that's all I'll ever give you. You can call my assistant when you've picked one.”

She stood up suddenly and started walking to the door. Jim tried to say something but she ignored him. It felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. For a moment she had thought about arguing, about yelling and screaming. But she realized no matter how much she argued he would never be listening. It would still hurt, there would always be a dull longing for something she had missed. But she wasn't angry anymore. She wasn't going to be angry over the things she couldn't change.

They drove straight to Johnny's Ice House when they got back into the city for the Blackhawks' practice. It was early, so nobody else had gotten there yet, not even any of the coaching staff. They put some skates, grabbed some sticks and a puck and headed out onto the ice. Jon let Elia start out with the puck and told her to try and get it past him. She locked eyes with Jon, grinning, and started faking going left or right. She leaned left, shot it five hole and then skated around him to the right but Jon reached his arm out and grabbed her around the waist, stopping her.
“Holding! Go to the box!” Elia yelled, raising her stick in the air and pointing to the penalty box.
“High sticking! Go to the box!” Jon yelled back at her. She took advantage of his momentary distraction and shot the puck to the net. It slowly slid across the ice and into the goal. Elia started singing Chelsea Dagger.
“That was your own goal.” Jon said.
“No it wasn't.”
“Then it was icing anyway.”
Elia started laughing. Jon was wearing his serious face, arguing with her like he argued with refs during games. He was such a sore loser. They skated down to the goal to get the puck and started again. Elia had gotten lucky the first time, but Jon wasn't going to let her score again. He was paying attention now. They had switched to shooting the puck when the team arrived. Elia could hit the four, five and two pretty well, but had trouble lifting the puck still. She sat on the bench while the Hawks practiced, watching and browsing Instagram and Twitter on her phone.
After practice Elia, Jon and Pat got a late lunch together at their usual place: Feast. Despite their morning excursion, Elia felt like she was having a great day. Patrick went to Amanda's after lunch, but Jon and Elia walked around Wicker Park for a while. First they walked up Damen, checking out the Marc Jacobs store and Club Monaco. They tried on some things at Club Monaco, and Elia ended up buying a dress and Jon a sweater and a coat. Down North Ave they went in to Quimby's, and the men's Akira store. They through past Elia's house and over to the park. Seeing the dogs playing in the dog park made her miss Byfuglien, who was staying with her brother. She told Jon she wanted to become a crazy cat lady except with corgis. When the day started to darken they went back to Elia's house to hang out. Jon told Elia he wanted to try growing vegetables on his balcony that spring and they spent some time looking up gardening on the internet. They played the board game Pandemic, and cooked dinner.

Late into the evening they went downstairs to watch a movie. It took a long time to decide what to watch, and after a half hour they had only narrowed it down to four choices. Finally they ended up picking a movie not on their list: Spirited Away. They had both already seen it, but wanted to watch it again anyway. About twenty minutes into the movie Elia asked if they could lie down on the couch. She was tired from sitting up. Jonny knew she just wanted to fall asleep during the movie, like she usually did. She promised to stay awake though, and they shuffled around until they were both lying on their side along the sofa. After a few minutes, Elia found herself scooting back, pressing herself up against Jonathan, murmuring that she was a little cold. Jon said nothing, but lightly lay his hand on her shoulder. When there was no objection, he wrapped his arm lower, across her waist with his hand resting on the sofa beside hers. His head had been resting on his other hand, but he shifted, sinking lower, and laying his head above hers. She felt the warmth of his body and the warmth of his breathe on her head. And suddenly she realized where she was always meant to be.

Notes

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