Suddenly I See

He sat on the same bench, watching the same parents and children at the same playground on that unusually warm December afternoon.The park had become a ritual lately, something he found himself doing when he needed to clear his head, which seemed to be every day he wasn’t practicing or playing.The park symbolized clarity to him, like he gained some perspective when he went that particular park.

While he wasn’t looking for her, he never saw Parker since that afternoon three months ago.He walked her to the gate, they had a formal goodbye, and parted ways.Whenever he thought about her, he wondered if she quit taking Jersey to that park because the dog was so disobedient.He didn’t blame her.Without Jersey, Parker lost all of her independence, and that must’ve frightening, sitting on a trail without her guide dog.

He looked at his watch.It was ten past three in the afternoon, and he’d be going to meet with his lawyer to finalize his divorce later that evening.He’d busied himself with too many television and magazine interviews, long workouts and practices to really sit down process any of his feelings.He’d been compartmentalizing everything, and eventually he would come undone.For now, he’d sit and think about Sara and his future without her.

Without even comprehending what he was doing, his phone was pressed against his ear, listening to the ringing before she answered.

“Sidney, you’re not supposed to be calling me.”

Sara’s voice was a mixture of concern, irritation, and longing, like she hated that he called, but wanted to hear from him more than ever.

“I know.I wont be long.I just wanted to see if you were at the house, I have some more stuff I need to pick up.If it’s too much, I’ll come another time,” he said, attempting to sound unfazed, but failed miserably when his voice dropped when she said she wasn’t home.He hoped she’d be there, a last stitch effort to win her back, to call off the divorce.

Picking himself up off the bench, he walked to the parking lot and started his car, hoping the traffic would be as horrendous as possible.Maybe if he took a while to get there, she’d come home and they’d have to see each other.Of course, it took him only twenty minutes to get to the house he had built for Sara and his soon to be growing family.Like the wallpaper picture on his phone, the large house was another mockery of his failed marriage and failed family.He missed Sara dearly, but he didn’t miss what that house was supposed to represent.

Opening the door, the smell hit him all at once.Sara burned candles like she was trying to start a fire.She especially loved the fall-scented aromas.Walking into the foyer, he smelt pumpkin, no doubt a Yankee Candle she recently picked up.He walked into the kitchen, smelling sugar cookies.She must’ve just made a batch because they were lying on a plate on the counter.

He surveyed the grand room.Everything looked exactly as he left it, expect it felt empty and unfulfilled.He sat on the sofa, remembering the first time he and Sara sat down as a married couple, holding hands, cuddling, kissing, making love for the first time in their new home.It seemed like ages ago, but he wished he had a time machine to get it all back.

He slowly walked up the stairs, looking at the picture of Sara and him as he moved toward his office, needing to get some paperwork that he left behind.One stood out among the others.It was a picture of Sid and Sara with her niece Phoebe.They were walking on the beach in Long Island where her family lived.Phoebe was between Sid and Sara as they walked hand in hand.The picture was taken without their knowledge by Sara’s sister.It was later that night they tried to conceive for the first time.He took it off the hook, deciding he’d take it with him.If Sara cared about it, he’d have a copy made and sent to her.

He bypassed his office toward their bedroom.He opened the double doors and let his arms fall to his sides like they were carrying heavy sand bags.He silently cursed that room, irrationally blaming it for his infertility problems.The bed wasn’t made, one thing Sara always left for him to do in the morning.She claimed a made bed wasn’t as comfortable because her feet couldn’t breathe.He ran his hands over the crisp white sheets, the ones his aunt and uncle gave them as a wedding gift.He could practically see her panting as he made love to her hour on end, knowing that they’d eventually get pregnant.What a joke.

He eventually entered his office, looking at the stack of crap and rubber banded mail he left sitting on his desk to be looked at.He didn’t care about any of it, but he’d take it and organize it at home, his new home, without Sara, at the apartment.

He froze when he heard the front door open, causing the alarm system to beep.She said she’d be out all afternoon.What was she doing there?She knew he’d be coming to pick up stuff.He tip toed to the door to listen, shaking his head at himself at how idiotic he must’ve looked.Of course she knew he was there.His truck was parked in the driveway.He listened as she climbed the stairs, doing it slower than usual, probably noticing the missing picture on the wall.He went back to his desk, desperately trying to make himself oblivious to her.He heard her feet shuffling against the carpet as she entered the doorframe.

“Why’d you take the picture of us and Phoebe?”

When he turned, he almost had to do a double take.Sara had to have lost at least ten pounds.She was skin and bones.She had large dark circles under her eyes.They looked like they could be twins.His eyes had similar marks due to the lack of sleep he’d gotten.

“Are you eating?” he asked concernedly as he walked closer to her.During one of their first heart to hearts, she admitted that she was once had an eating disorder.He feared she’d had a recurrence.

“Yes, I’m eating.But it’s hard to eat without an appetite,” she looked down at her wrists, rubbing them uncomfortably.

“Please answer my question,” she begged when she looked up at him.

“I’m taking it because I love the picture and everything that it stood for,” he explained, wanting to reach out and pull her into a hug before he kissed her like it his life depended on it.

“You can’t take it,” she swallowed hard, on the verge of tears.She gently pried the picture from his hands and look at it, wiping the tear away that hit the glass pane.

“I like to look at this picture and pretend she was ours,” she admitted, touching Phoebe through the glass.

“We don’t have to do this.I love you and I know you love me.Why can’t it just be the two of us?” Sidney grabbed her hand and pulled her to him, hugging her tightly as she cried into his chest.

“I want a family,” she sniffled.“Please don’t deprive me of that,” she looked up at him, sadness filling her eyes along with something else, a look that he’d seen on many occasions.It was the look that asked him to kiss her.

"Why'd you come home?" He looked her deep in the eyes, reading her to the core. He already knew, but he wanted to hear her say it.

"Because I wanted to see you," she whispered, looking at his lips before she started to lean in.

He crashed into with a fiery kiss, causing her to whimper into his mouth as she wrapped her arms around his neck, griping his hair as he picked her up and wrapped her legs around his waist. He walked them into the master bedroom, kicking the door open, as they clung to one another for the last time in the house they built together.He laid her on the bed, kissing her passionately as he laid between her legs, pushing her dress up simultaneously.She pulled at the hem of his shirt, trying to work it over his head, feeling his back flex as he finished taking it off, throwing it somewhere in the room.She reveled in the feeling of his toned muscles, the ones she clenched every time they had sex, the ones that would be gone after this.He started to unbutton her shirtdress, kissing down her neck and chest as he went, making her whimper as he gently bit down on the side of her covered breast.In a primitive way, he wanted to mark her, for all other men to see.Except, it wouldn’t matter because he lost her.He couldn’t perform the one masculine duty to his wife; he wouldn’t impregnate her.Leaving a mark would be a joke for other men to laugh at.

He pulled her bra down, revealing her breast and the bite mark, and kissed the dented flesh.It wasn’t her fault, and while he resented her for divorcing him, he couldn’t take out his anger on her.He moved to her nipple, flicking it with his tongue, making her involuntarily gyrate against him.When he took the pink flesh between his teeth, pulling gently, her aroused moan filled the entire room, bouncing from wall to wall like there were acoustics.He released, watching her entire breast subtly bounce.He would miss them.They were perfect.

With his other hand, he worked her out of her underwear while he moved to the other breast, repeating every action, knowing she loved it all.He quickly moved in front of her, kneeling on the floor as he spread her legs.She peered down at him, leaning on her elbows to watch, biting her bottom lip in anticipation for the dirty thing he did with those lips and tongue.At first, he blew air on her clit, making her squirm, breaking out in goose bumps, but when he latched on, sucking her clit and releasing with a snap, she threw her entire upper body on the bed as if she and the bed were both magnetized.As he worked her over, making her quiver from head to curled toes, he knew no other man could do this for her.She once told him that he was made with big lips and tongue just to give good head.How many men could make their wives have multiple orgasms through oral sex alone?He made his move, moving from her clit to her opening, sticking his tongue as far in as it would go while rubbing her clit with his thumb.

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!” she squealed as she started coming, holding his head against her as she rode his face.He moaned into her, unbuttoning his paints to free himself, gently stroking himself for the first time since he moved out.He thought that if he masturbated, it would somehow some how lower his nonexistent chance to ever have a baby. But it felt too good to stop.

He stood up, pushing his pants down, never breaking eye contact with her as she finished unbuttoning her shirtdress, letting it fall open on either side of her.She reached around herself to unclasp her bra, tossing it on the floor.He climbed between her legs again, kissing her as he slowly buried himself deep inside of her.

“Fuuuccckkk,” he hissed against her cheek as she turned her head to moan into a throw pillow, one that he picked out during one of their hundred of visits to Pottery Barn.

He pulled all the way out before quickly thrusting back in, making her clutch the duvet with both hands, breathing hard as he made love to her the way she begged for it, hard.He continued the routine, short quick thrusts followed by long hard thrusts until she was screaming obscenities, leaving no room without sound.But he wanted to make this last time as memorable as possible.He pulled out, backed himself off of the bed before pulling her by the ankles toward the edge of the bed, just enough so that her ass was partially hanging off. He lifted her and shoved a pillow under, guaranteeing him to hit her g-spot every time he pushed into her.Spreading her legs, he grabbed his penis and rubbed it against her, jiggling it against her clit, watching as she dug her nails into her thighs from the pleasure.Without warning, he pushed into her to the hilt, holding himself inside of her as she moved around him, desperate for him to continue.He pushed her knees onto the mattress, opening her all the way as he started to fuck her, making the box spring scream with the amount of force he was using, driving her down into the mattress.

“Oh my god yes,” she cried toward the ceiling, gripping his forearms for support.

All of the hurt, all of the emotion, all of the pain, all of the confusion, all of everything he felt in the last couple of months was used to fuck her, hoping that she would feel all of it, emotionally and physically.

“I’m coming,” she threw her head back, squeezing her eye shut.He already knew.He’d been studying every tick and quiver of her body for five years, not to mention the fact that her g-spot was about to burst.He’d miss that, too.Not every girl did that, and he’d grown to look forward to it.He pulled out, rubbing her fingers over her vagina quickly and forcefully while he pinned her leg down with his.And when it happened, he wondered if he’d ever meet another girl that ejaculated.

“Sidney,” she cried, throwing her back, moaning through every orgasmic contraction as he finished her before pushing back in.He closed his eyes, telling himself that this was not the last time, and slowed down, taking his time as he envisioned their entire past in a couple of minutes.He didn’t notice that she had pulled him down to lay against her, rocking slowly in and out, wanting the moment to last forever.She pushed his face up to meet hers.

“I love you,” she said softly before kissing him, making him come instantly at the affection that he’d craved for months.She swallowed his groans as he quaked on top of her, coming harder than he had in a long time.Afraid he was crushing her, he moved to lift himself off, but Sara stopped him.

“Don’t,” she pulled him down, guiding his head to lay on her chest, listening to her heart beat resume to normal after their intimate moment.He focused on her breathing, matching it with his before he let himself succumb to sleep.

When he woke, he was alone, naked in his former bedroom.It was still light outside, so he must not have been asleep for long.Looking around, he noticed all of Sara’s clothes were gone as was she.He noticed a small note on his old nightstand.

“I’m sorry.Please take care of yourself.Sara.”

He didn’t even notice that the framed picture he wanted sat underneath the note.He thought that maybe it was a parting gift to him.He stood up and dressed quickly, knowing he had to get downtown and ready for his meeting with his lawyer that evening.He turned at the door, seeing so many memories flash before his eyes in a matter of seconds.Putting the picture under his arm, he took his files and mail and left, not looking back for fear that he would have a break down.He climbed into his truck and backed out of the long driveway at a dangerous speed, knowing he had to get into the highway before he could breathe.He turned on the radio, wanting to create any kind of distraction.He scanned through the stations, finding all of it useless until he hit a rock station and listened.The song spoke volumes to him.

“Because days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever.Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever.One last kiss before I go.Dry your tears.It is time to let you go.One last kiss.”

He turned it up until it was physically unbearable to his ears, humming the song that seemed to narrate his last couple of hours with Sara as he headed into downtown Pittsburgh.

“How fitting,” he muttered to himself as he stepped out of his truck in the parking garage, walking toward the elevator bay, inadvertently ignoring the couple of fans that spotted him as he stepped into the elevator.

One last kiss…

Notes